My wedding shower fills me with mixed emotions. I mean, I love to get presents. Who doesn’t? But I have to act excited over kitchenware, and that fills me with trepidation. “Oooh, yea! An egg poacher!” I practice into the mirror with a plastered-on smile. Kay appears behind me in the reflection.
“I’m glad I didn’t get you the egg poacher. You’re not very convincing.”
“An egg poacher assumes I’m going to make eggs Benedict, which assumes I’m going to learn how to make a reduction sauce. And I’m not going to learn any of these things, so an egg poacher is simply the symbol of failure to me. I will fail at this. Gee, thanks for highlighting my weaknesses.”
“You talk about me being obsessive. At least I’m obsessive about things that matter. Hollandaise is easy. It just takes time and the right temperature. And if you get a double boiler today, you’ll be all set.”
“You didn’t buy me a double boiler, did you?” I ask, crinkling my nose in distaste.
“Ashley, I live with you. If I bought you something for the kitchen, it would have to do with coffee, as that’s the only time I ever see you in there.”
“Good girl, Kay. I’ve taught you well.”
“Are you ready to go? If that’s as good as you can do on your fake thank-yous, we should get this over with.”
“How’s my outfit?” I twist and turn. “Kevin bought it for me when we shopped for our registry.” I model the pink pencil skirt like I’m Doris Day. “It makes me want gloves.”
“It’s lovely, but it would be nice to see him once in a while.”
“From your mouth to God’s ears. He comes home tonight, but with the shower, I won’t see him until at least tomorrow.”
“But after all, tomorrow is—”
“Yeah, funny. Let’s go.”
“Is your sister-in-law going to be here today? Should I dress better?”
“You should dress better, regardless of Emily, but yeah, she’s coming. And my mother-in-law. To be, my in-laws-to-be. Heaven knows I’m not claiming them until I have no choice.”
“Okay, Ashley, remember,” she says like a quarterback in a huddle, “if they get out of hand, you need to deal with it now, or it’s going to get significantly worse after marriage.”
“I got it. Break! Did you put Rhett out already?” I ask.
“He’s happy as a clam. New chew toy and everything. The yard is his oyster.”
Brea is hosting the shower, which drives Kay crazy. Kay is the consummate entertainer. Brea will probably have beanie-weenies and Sprite with sherbet floating in the middle of it. If we’re lucky, maybe some chips and store-bought dip. Brea is my oldest and dearest friend, and I know she’s thrilled I am finally making the leap to marriage. In her excitement, she has failed to remember that she’s a terrible organizer and entertainer, and that calling on Kay might not have been a bad idea. It’s not that I care what’s served at the shower, only that my two best friends are satisfied with the outcome. I can fake enthusiasm over a salad spinner anywhere.
When we get to Brea’s, she’s got a grouping of green and pink helium balloons out front. I hear Kay groan, but she does her best to recover. “Brea could have at least allowed me to bring something. What’s her theme? Lilly Pulitzer?”
“Brea wanted to do this, Kay. It’s been hard for us since she got married. We barely see each other since Miles and Jonathan came along. This is her way of going out of her comfort zone.”
“Just so you know, Ashley. If I ever get married? Hire a caterer. I won’t be offended that you didn’t try it yourself.”
“Done. But if Kevin’s mother has her way, I’ll turn into the Stepford Betty Crocker soon and whip up your hollandaise in my pearls.”
“No one is that powerful. Not even Kevin’s mother.”
“You know, I just don’t see what the big deal is about cooking. I think it’s great that you’re a fabulous cook, Kay. I wish I had it in me, but you can literally go to the store and buy ready-made salads, pre-marinated meats. What’s the big deal about doing it yourself?”
“It tastes better that way, Ashley. Premarinated and probably chock full of preservatives. Not to mention, it costs more. Your problem is you don’t have refined taste buds.”
“Maybe not, but my credit card wrist is about as evolved as they come.”
We enter the shower and all the women yell, “Surprise!”
Since it wasn’t a surprise, not sure what to do with this, but I smile gleefully, I hope. This is my official wedding shower! I am the bride! I did not have to purchase a set of beach towels (my normal shower gift) for someone else. Now I really do look gleeful.
Mrs. Novak comes toward me wearing—surprise!—a St. John knit suit. “Ashley, Emily and I are so happy we could be here today.”
“Thank you.”
My mom comes toward me with baby Davey in her arms. “Can you believe it’s here? You’re almost wed, and here I never thought I’d live to see the day.” She snuggles up the baby’s face, suddenly switching to baby talk. “Did we, my precious little Davey-Wavey? Never thought we’d see the day.” Mom pats my cheek briefly, then turns her attention back to her grandson, where it belongs.
Mei Ling comes and kisses me on the cheek. “I have a surprise for you. Come into the bedroom with me.”
I say hello to my aunts and make all the possible niceties before disappearing into the front bedroom. Brea has every toy imaginable stuffed in here. It looks like a Toys “R” Us suffered a major earthquake and their shelves were emptied. The floor is completely invisible. “Wow, Brea cleaned up.”
Mei Ling is giddy with excitement. “Sit down.”
“What’s going on?”
“I made you something. Since you got your dress already.”
“Did you and Dave get me the dress?”
“Us? Ashley, we’re having trouble buying Ikea furniture for our place. We don’t have the cash to buy you a dress, but I would have made you one if someone else hadn’t done that. You know that.”
“Who did it? Do you know?”
“I don’t know.” Mei Ling opens the closet door and brings out a garment bag. “I know you were trying to decide on this, but I think this will be perfect. And I really wanted to do something for you. I know all about the red egg and ginger party, Ashley. Your brother has a heart of gold and a wallet of tin. Thank you for doing that for us and for keeping it quiet. He was quite the hit with my family.”
“How’d you know I did it?”
“Wives know everything. You’ll see.” She giggles. “Actually, Ping’s sent a copy of the credit card receipt.” Mei Ling hands me a scrap of paper. “It had your name on it, and I put two and two together.” Mei Ling unzips the garment bag she’s brought and pulls out a bridal veil.
“Mei Ling, what did you do?” It’s the most beautiful veil I’ve ever seen. It has a platinum leaf-chain design on a tiara, dotted with Austrian crystals with more crystals rising out of the center in a flower style. The flowing tulle of the veil is anchored by more crystals and seed pearls. I’m utterly speechless as she holds it out.
“Do you like it?”
I grasp the veil and walk toward the mirror. “I don’t know what to say, Mei Ling. It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”
“Kay let me into your closet. It matches your gown perfectly. I checked before I made it.”
“Mei Ling, that you would spend time to make it for me is amazing. My brother doesn’t deserve you.” I hug her in a tight embrace, and I can feel the tears well up. “You’re ruining my makeup.”
“I’m just glad you like it. I wanted to do something for you because you’ve always been there for us. I know your mother is really into being a grandmother. I also know what it’s like to get married without my mother, so I’m sorry for that. I feel a bit responsible, and I wanted you to know we’ll do everything to make you feel like the spoiled bride.”
I laugh. “Mei Ling, my mother is a better grandmother than a wedding planner anyway. She’s been hanging on to the coated almonds for a while now. And there’s still eight weeks to go!”
We both giggle and hug one more time. We zip the veil back up and enter into the world of the wedding shower. The toilet paper stands in pyramids awaiting the obligatory wedding dress game, and there are pink and green decorations everywhere.
“Brea, everything looks great!” I say.
“You think? I made hummus sandwiches. Do you think everyone will eat them?”
Um, no. “Sure they will. Who doesn’t like mashed garbanzos?”
“You’re right. I’m worrying over nothing. This was just so stressful, and John had to get the babies out on his own. I thought he might go crazy just loading all the stuff he needed to get out of here.”
Since my friend Brea has become a mother, her dietary habits have changed significantly. Five years ago, if I’d told her she’d be serving hummus sandwiches at my wedding shower, she would have laughed me off the face of the planet. But the complete dissolution of hydrogenated oil products has forever changed her. And I fear the loss of some of her taste abilities is the final result.
After a meal of bean sandwiches and fruit punch, we play the games no one wants to play and then get to the gifts. My aunts are here, in full sparkly regalia as always. They won the wedding dress contest like they always do. Toilet paper is their medium.
My first gift is from Mei Ling. “Mei Ling, you already got me something.”
“That was just a thank-you present. This is for your wedding.”
I unwrap the silver paper and find a small picture of Kevin and me in a silver heart frame. “It’s beautiful, Mei Ling.” Gazing into the picture, I’m reminded just how long it’s been since I’ve seen my beloved. All while seeing Seth every day.
“Maybe it’s not that practical,” Mei Ling says. “But I’ll tell you, when your brother drives me crazy, and I look at a photo where I’m beaming at him, I remember all the reasons I married him. I want you to remember that always too. Because some days it’s easy to forget.”
“It’s perfect, thank you.”
Next.
A myriad of gifts until the final tally reads like this:
ASHLEY WILKES STOCKINGDALE’S FIRST WEDDING SHOWER GIFTS
2 crock pots
1 double boiler
1 salad spinner
1 teak salad set
Too much silverware
8 bath towels
3 serving platters (none of them matching my dishware)
1 down comforter and expensive sheets from my mother
4 gaudy glass frames
3 Frederick’s of Hollywood outfits (and I use the term loosely—as most outfits do not come with a thong—from my aunts, naturally). Thank you?
The doorbell rings, and I feel the plastered smile on my face relax for a moment. A break.
My Aunt Babe thrusts underwear toward me. “It’s a comfort thong!”
Not even gonna ask.
“Smile, Ashley, and just say thank you,” my mother hisses through clenched teeth.
Okay, but I imagine everyone is getting a mental image of me in this costume, and that’s just not right. Lingerie should be Italian, certainly not colored lace from third-world countries. There’s a separation between sexy and sleazy, and I’m certain my aunts have led their entire lives not understanding this fine division.
“Ashley, it’s Kevin!” Brea shouts.
I look up and see my fiancé for the first time in a week. He’s like a wavy mirage, a miracle. I forget about appearances completely and rush to his arms, clutching him like if I let go, he’ll disappear. He smells the same, minus the hospital antiseptic smell, and his perfect teeth smile down upon me like a Crest commercial. I squeeze a bit harder. “You’re here.”
“I heard the lingerie party was here,” he whispers into my ear.
“Thanks to my aunts, it is,” I say, biting my lip.
“Even better; it will be naughty.”
“Stop! Does this mean you’re finally here for premarital counseling?”
He looks down at my aunt, who’s dangling the thong publicly. “We need more than that to get ready for marriage?”
“Oddly, yes, we do.” I pull him down closer so I can get to his ear. “And if you think I’m wearing that, you’ve been in surgery for far too long.”
He snaps his fingers. “Let’s get out of here,” he growls. “I haven’t kissed my woman for ages.”
“Kevin!” I say aloud. “Did you see your mom and sister . . . and everyone else here?”
He turns back to my ear, “Actually, I was still thinking underwear. Are we married yet?”
I slap the side of his arm. “Kevin went to Philly to interview for neonatal surgery, everyone!”
A polite round of applause goes up.
“Want a hummus sandwich, Kev? You must be hungry from traveling.” Brea holds out a tray, and I shake my head ever so slightly.
“No thanks. I had some pretzels on the plane.”
His mother steps up and lifts her chin. “Aren’t you going to say hello, Kevin?”
“Hello, Mother.” Kevin kisses Elaine’s cheek coldly.
“Did you see the new house in Philadelphia?” she asks, and the entire room waits for his answer.
“Can we talk about this later, Mom?”
“It makes me want to get married,” Emily spouts. “A new house! You’re so lucky, Kevin.”
My mother’s jaw drops. “You bought them a house?”
“His dad just bought a new investment, Mom,” I say, trying not to make my family feel like the poor relations.
“Well, they’ll need a place to live in Pennsylvania,” Elaine says, fiddling with her diamond tennis bracelet.
“Ashley,” my mother says. “What is she talking about?”
“Open our gift,” Emily says excitedly.
Slowly and gingerly, I open their present. I pull out a fluffy bathrobe with the name of a country club plastered on an embroidered emblem. “A bathrobe!” I say, faux excitedly.
“Look underneath it!” Emily cheers.
“It’s a golf outfit.” Not even a cute one, mind you. Lilly Pulitzer makes golf wear. Tommy Bahama even! This is straight out of the Lacoste collection. Let’s forget the fact I don’t actually golf.
Suddenly, everyone makes their excuses and dissipates like Jell-O in hot water. Mrs. Novak takes me aside roughly. “You’ll notice the certificates are in the name of Mrs. Kevin Novak.”
“I plan to take his name,” I say, hoping to refute the feminist argument. “I think that’s wonderful.”
“Kevin, if you only knew the mistakes I made when I was young. I’d like to spare Ashley those awful days.”
Here’s the part where I’m supposed to believe Elaine wants the best for me. I’ll buy that right after a Birkin bag goes on sale for $100.
Emily’s got a sly smile on her face, so I’m bracing.
“The certificates are the best part of the gift, Ashley. I’d like to send you to finishing school before the wedding. To acquaint you with Southern hospitality.” Elaine is oblivious to all the guests, which—as my aunts are still talking about thongs—might be a gift from above. “There’s a fabulous finishing school that specializes in training wives of executives.”
Finishing school? Oh, trust me, I’m finished. “Actually, I am an executive, Elaine. Maybe this is for Kevin?” I try to pass this off with laughter.
“Mom, Ashley’s brilliant. She—”
“I never implied she was anything but, Kevin. However, this is about learning to entertain at the level that will be expected of her.”
At this point, Brea can sense my “brilliance” about to reach out and touch someone, so she comes up behind me. “Excuse us, Ashley needs to say good-bye to her guests.”
“That woman is nuts,” I mumble. “St. John, Brea. She wears couture that’s so 1970s, I’m surprised she didn’t get me an apron for my shower.”
“She’s just posturing, Ashley. It’s what mother-in-laws do to let you know they still own their sons. You play the game, get married, and then show them who has the keys to the kingdom. It’s the cirrr-cle, the circle of life!” she sings from The Lion King.
“Okay, Mom, we’ll discuss it,” I hear Kevin say. “In the meantime, can you be more supportive of Ash, please?”
A flat-lipped smile from Mrs. Novak. I didn’t even know she could flatten those collagen-injected lips! She collects her handbag and turns with Emily at her side. I start to pick up some of the gifts when she catches my chin with her finger and says quietly, “I don’t know what hold you have over Kevin when he should be readying for his new job, not traipsing down the aisle, but I feel it my duty to warn you that destroying his future for the sake of your own is hardly the Christian thing to do.”
“What hold she has?” Brea dangles my new lingerie. “Kevin hasn’t seen her in this yet.” Brea winks at my future mother-in-law, and I go from wanting to seriously deck her to holding back guffaws. Hah, see if they teach me that in finishing school!
I start to put the gifts in my trunk, and Kevin follows after me. “So are you willing to talk about a new house in Philly? Moving to Philly? Or even finishing school?” He puts the new comforter in my trunk, but it won’t fit, so he pulls it back out. “This is nice.”
I nod. “It’s from my mom. You’re kidding about finishing school, right?” But I’m not seeing a lot of humor in his eyes. “Isn’t that for English orphans or something?”
“It’s a small thing my mom is asking. She just wants to know you respect her, the life that she’s lived.”
“Then she needs to respect me, Kevin. I’m a lawyer. My life’s goal is not to graduate from trophy wife school.”
“It will be a couple weekends here and there. For me?”
“Maybe I’m not worthy of the Novak name, and you shouldn’t bother to lower yourself into my world.”
Kevin’s jaw locks. “Maybe I shouldn’t.”
“Well, it will be no skin off your nose, because the wedding gift is addressed to whomever you marry. I’ll be sure and forward her the Scarlett O’Hara gown too so you can still have the wedding of your sister’s dreams!”
“Ashley, you’re being childish. We haven’t seen each other in a week, and you’re just thinking of all the bad stuff.”
“I’m being childish? I’m not the one so concerned about my mommy.” I climb into my car. “Tell Brea I’ll get the rest of my gifts later.” I hit the accelerator and speed off, leaving the man I love standing in the street with a comforter in his arms. A comforter in the arms where I belong, and if I had any sense of humility, I’d turn my car around and beg his forgiveness. But I can’t stand to think of his mommy winning another round. So I don’t. Forgive me, Lord. I’m such a mess.