The car in which Chloe and Alex sat in silence formed one tiny scale of the huge glittering snake that coiled around the M25 and slithered ever so slowly forwards.
They hadn’t spoken since Alex picked Chloe up from the station after work. Chloe was regretting that they had promised the weekend to her mother. On a non-travelling Friday evening they would meet at the station and spend a couple of hours in the local pub, indulging in idle chitchat with friends and neighbours they encountered there, and then head home for either a takeaway or an easy meal – pasta and salad, or something similar. They’d crack open a bottle of wine, sit companionably on the sofa, shuffling positions every now and again, limbs draped comfortably over each other’s bodies. She would perhaps put her hand up his shirt and rub the flat circle of hair on his stomach, and he would slide his hand up her blouse and cup her breasts and stroke her nipples. They’d stay that way until one of them couldn’t take it any more and made a definite move …
Had they really done that only last Friday? Just one week ago everything was normal. Just one night ago she’d sat at her dresser and stared at herself in the mirror, feeling so wonderfully thrilled with the way things were going. Twenty-four small hours later and here they were, wrapped within a leaden silence punctuated only by honking horns.
She looked across at Alex. He was grim-faced, one hand over the top of the steering wheel, the other resting on the gear stick. She had practised the first sentence – ‘Alex, about last night …’ – but she was still unsure how to follow it up.
Did she want to know? Yes, of course, but she was praying that the price she would pay for knowing wouldn’t be too dear. She was disconcerted to find she wasn’t sure she wanted her marriage shattered for one tiny item of knowledge. Men and women came into her office all the time to begin divorce proceedings, and the misery etched plain on their faces often brought her to the conclusion that secrets only became malignant when they stopped being secrets. A secret in itself was just a silent benign fact – unless it was released upon some unsuspecting person … wasn’t it? More likely she was just being a coward, she decided grimly.
She wished Alex would come out with an explanation himself. The fact that he hadn’t, and that he was so obviously affected by seeing Julia – still, a day later! – was terrifying her more than anything, more even than those horribly uncomfortable moments at the restaurant last night, which made her cringe when she relived them.
But even if they never saw Julia again, she had to ask. Otherwise, if Alex didn’t say anything, then this incident would rip the tiniest corner off their happy marriage, and she’d vowed to herself that she wouldn’t let little cuts become big holes. She saw the result of that every day at work – the smallest nuances in her clients’ voices, even the way they took a breath before beginning to talk, betraying all their anger and desperation and sadness.
‘Alex …’ she began, at the same moment as he leaned across and flicked up the volume dial on the radio.
He turned it down again when he heard Chloe’s voice.
‘Sorry. Yep?’
‘About last night …’ she began.
Alex stared straight ahead and said nothing.
‘Are you having an affair?’ she asked. She held her breath while waiting for the answer to come.
‘Bloody hell, Chloe,’ Alex spluttered, turning sharply to look at her, then swivelling back to the road when the cars started to slow. His knuckles clenched, blanched, against the steering wheel. A muscle twitched near his jaw-line. ‘No, of course not.’ His voice softened to become earnest and his face was pained.
‘Then how do you know Julia?’
‘Chlo, I really want to talk to you, but not like this … it’s a long story … She … Julia … I never thought that I’d see her again.’ Alex’s jaw was set tense and firm and his mouth was a thin line.
Chloe digested this, but persisted, ‘So were you in a relationship with her?’
Alex hesitated. He looked across at Chloe, then back at the road. ‘Yes, we were.’ He paused before adding, ‘But it seems like another lifetime now.’
Neither of them spoke. The cars in front of them sped up and Alex put his foot down hard on the accelerator. They raced forward, gaining momentum quickly, before realising the same cars were stopping again. Chloe thrust a hand out to steady herself for possible impact while Alex cursed and slammed his foot onto the brake.
The car lurched to a stop.
Chloe bit her lip and rubbed her stomach protectively under the coarse strip of seatbelt.
‘Chloe …’ Alex’s voice was gentle and he moved his hand across to caress the nape of her neck. It made her shiver and she looked up at him. ‘I’m so sorry. It’s nothing for you to worry about, but I want to talk about this properly, not in the sodding car, or in front of your mother. It gave me one hell of a shock, seeing her like that. Can we just wait till we’re alone?’ He waved his hand angrily at the traffic.
His words were something of a balm to her nerves. She looked at his face and saw his expression, guileless and caring, but still, she was wary.
‘I want to know everything,’ she told him. ‘I don’t see why you need to be so cloak and dagger about it.’
‘Because,’ Alex said slowly, his eyes fixed on the road, ‘what happened to her was beyond terrible.’ His voice cracked on the final words. He cleared his throat but the raw emotion was still present as he added, ‘I can hardly …’ He trailed off.
Chloe cursed herself for making them come up to her mother’s. They should have stayed at home where they could have talked. She almost told Alex to turn around, but as she thought of her mother’s sorrow-filled face the traffic began to speed up and Alex indicated for the next exit.
‘Okay,’ she said when he was no more forthcoming, alarmed at how quickly he’d got upset. ‘You can tell me later.’
‘Thank you,’ Alex replied, and Chloe heard the heartfelt timbre of his voice and leaned back against her chair, suddenly very, very tired.