RAIN STOOD IN the kitchen, staring out the window at the fading light of day. Shadows moved across the yard, masking the vibrant colors of the blooming flowers. Much like the darkness enveloping Brody’s mind at times. She’d been concerned about his car accident, knowing he’d had some sort of episode while driving. Unreal, but not so serious or dangerous at the time. Especially since he’d only received minor injuries. But seeing him last night, up close and personal, concerned her even more. What if one of the girls had been in the truck with him? What if he’d grabbed on to one of them? She glanced down at her bruised arm and flexed her fingers, working the sore muscles.
“Hey, sweetheart.” Owen walked into the kitchen behind her. As always, he came to her and kissed her on the head. “You look a million miles away.”
“Just thinking.”
“What’s wrong with the girls? I thought they’d be all riled up and rowdy, ready for dinner and a movie. Instead, they look like someone died.”
“They’re worried about me seeing Brody tonight.”
“Is Autumn worried about what he’ll say about Roxy and what she did?”
“Yes,” she said absently.
“Why won’t you look at me?” Owen put his hand on her shoulder. She leaned her cheek on it for a second, gathering her thoughts. “Come on, Rain. Tell me what’s going on,” he coaxed.
“We went out for dinner last night,” she began.
“Yes, I know. What happened?” he asked, his voice tight. “Did you two get into a fight in front of the girls?”
“No. Nothing like that. In fact, we had a really good talk. A little heated, but we were getting someplace.”
“I thought once you guys spent some time together, maybe the old spark would flare to life again. So, what happened last night? Did you decide you don’t want to be with Brody?”
“Not exactly,” she stalled, trying to sort out her thoughts.
“Rain, if you want me to go lawyer on you and ask a lot of probing questions, fine. Otherwise, spit it out.”
“I lost him,” she blurted out.
“Lost him? He loves you. He came back for you.”
“Yes. I believe he did. I just didn’t understand how necessary I am to him.”
Owen took her by the shoulders, turned her, and made her face him. “What are you talking about, sweetheart?”
“I’m not explaining this very well.”
“You haven’t explained a damn thing.” Owen’s frustration with her evasive answers came out with his words.
“We were sitting in the booth talking. He’s different. Not confrontational, but controlled. Even when I told him the cold hard truth, things he didn’t want to hear, he didn’t lash out at me, didn’t fight back.”
“He took a breath and said something to defuse the situation.”
“Much more disturbing,” she said, only half teasing. “He opened up to me, told me how he’s felt all these years. Since he was a kid really,” she added.
“Okay,” Owen said, tentative about making any further assumptions. “After that?”
“I lost him. He was talking to me one minute and just gone the next.”
“He blacked out.” Owen ran his hands down her arms to her hands. Unfortunately, he didn’t miss her wince in pain when his fingers brushed over her forearm and wrist. “What the hell?” He took her hand and pulled the sleeve of her sweater up. “What the . . . Did he do this to you?”
“This was done by a man desperate to hold on to me and home and not get lost in a dark and scary world pulling him under against his will.”
“You lost him,” Owen repeated her sentiment. “He had a flashback.”
“Owen, it was the scariest thing I’ve ever seen. He was sitting beside me, his body trembling, sweat breaking out on his skin, and I couldn’t reach him. He couldn’t hear me, respond to me. Everything in me knows he was holding on for dear life because he wanted to be with me. Not there, not lost.”
Owen pulled her into his arms and held her tight, close. “Okay, sweetheart. I get it.”
“I don’t think you do. I can’t explain what it was like to see someone like Brody in that state. He’s strong, determined, smart, sturdy as they come. Kick ass and take names, that’s the Brody we know. I look at him and he’s still the same, even bigger and stronger than before.”
“Yeah, the military bulked him up. Physically, he’s well.”
She took a step away and ran her fingers through the side of her hair. “It’s his mind, Owen. Part of him is locked in that war and the horrible things he’s seen and done. It sucked him away from me.”
“What happened when it was over? What did he say about your arm?”
“I didn’t let him see it,” she confessed and frowned. “I made sure he didn’t see it. You should have seen how lost he looked. I got him out of there as fast as I could without making a scene. We went to the park. I thought keeping him outside and in the open would help. Instead, he was quiet and kept searching everywhere for something.”
“Probably the enemy.”
“That was my thought, too. The girls tried to engage him, and he made an effort to respond, but you could see he wanted to leave. He didn’t want us to see him like that.”
“He’s probably worried about what you think, or that you’ll never want to be with him because of this.”
“This. What is this? Post-traumatic stress. I expected him to be the same but a little distracted, depressed, short-tempered. Those were the things the doctor warned us about. But not this, Owen. Not him falling away blank, sinking into nightmares when he’s awake.”
“I know you’re scared for him, Rain.”
“Scared doesn’t begin to cover it. You know Brody. He won’t deal with this well.”
“Are you afraid he’ll hurt himself?”
“I’m afraid for the girls to be alone with him. I’m afraid for him to be alone with himself.”
“Are you afraid to go see him tonight? To be alone with him? Because if you are, we can all go. I’ll distract the girls while you talk to Brody.”
“No. It’s not that. He wouldn’t hurt me.” Doubt infused her voice, and she hated that it was there.
Owen took her hand and raised it between them. Blue and purple bruises encircled her arm in a perfect imprint of Brody’s hand and fingers. “He did hurt you.”
She snatched her hand back. “You know him. I know him. He’d never hurt me on purpose. You didn’t see him.”
The tears fell down her cheeks, silent at first, but she couldn’t hold back the sob as Owen took her into his arms. His big hands rubbed up and down her back and he held her and let her weep all over his shirt. When she finally brought herself somewhat under control, she leaned back and looked up at him.
“Have you ever wished for something so hard and for so long you thought it would never come true? It was too far out of your reach and too much to ask for anyway, because you can’t erase the past.”
“Brody has always been yours, Rain. You knew it when you were kids, you know it today. Whatever came between is just life. It’s in the past. Do you want to live there, or find a way to really live now and have everything you ever wished come true? It’s within your reach. Grab it. Hold on to it. Life has given you enough hardship and grief. Find some happiness. You know, the kind you only ever had with Brody.”
“Right up until he screwed it all up. And Roxy, too,” she added bitterly.
“That’s the past, Rain. Move on.”
“Move on. Just like that?”
“Why not? For once, take what you want. Do something foolish because it makes you feel good. You’ve been taking care of everyone and everything for too long. You’ve forgotten that you deserve something for yourself.”
“Between the shop and taking care of the girls, there’s nothing left for me,” she admitted. “I’m afraid I don’t have enough to give to Brody. What if he needs more than I have to make him better?”
“It’s not your job to make him better. He knows what he needs to do.”
“What is he supposed to do to make this go away? The physical therapy will rebuild his muscles and strength. What will rebuild his mind?”
“Time, Rain. It’s only been a couple of months. He needs time and distance from that other life. Being with you and the girls will give him a new focus. It’s got to be stressful to come back here and try to win you back, find out he’s got two daughters, and figure out how to go forward with all of you, knowing things might not work out. He’s got a hell of a lot more to lose than the woman he loves. There’s a lot at stake, and he knows one mistake on his part could ruin it all. He’s got to make up for the past, earn back your trust, be a father to two little girls who have grown to the age of seven without him.
“He spent too long living on the edge. That’s become his normal and he’s trying to get back to a regular kind of life. I think you know that, and maybe it makes you a little scared to think Brody’s need for a wife and family to help him feel sane again is more than you can wish for right now. It’s what you both want and are scared to make a reality. He’s afraid of losing you and you’re afraid of being hurt.”
“It’s not like I don’t have reason to be,” Rain snapped.
Worn out and resigned, she sighed out her frustration. Owen’s words came out softly behind her.
“Listen to your heart. Take a deep breath and be brave. As much as you know he needs you, you need him, too. More than anything, I think that scares you the most. Knowing you need him, and fearing he’ll let you down again. Because he let you down when you needed him the most and you were pregnant with Dawn and everything that came after that. You’ll never know if he’ll let you down or stand beside you for the rest of your life unless you try.”
“Dammit, Owen, you’re not going to let it go until I make the first move toward him.”
“I’m doing this for you and him. After last night, he’ll push you away. With the way things have been going for him, he’s probably convinced himself you’re better off without him. Don’t let this happen, Rain. It won’t be good for either of you.”
“How do you know?” she asked, her mind a whirlwind of thoughts.
“Both of you are miserable without each other. Imagine how empty you’ll feel if you spend the rest of your lives apart.”
She didn’t want to think about it. It had been on her mind since the day he walked away. How she’d spend the rest of her life feeling empty and alone, like a piece of her was missing. Because it was. Brody had her heart, and only when she was with him did she feel that vibrant love and completeness he brought to her life.
“Sonofabitch.” She gave in. “Fine. I’ll go see him. I’ll tell him about Roxy and Autumn. We’ll see how things go after that.”
“I’ll take your bed tonight.” Owen’s cocky grin mocked her in the dark window above the sink.
She turned and scowled. “You assume I won’t be home tonight.”
“I assume you’ll make it clear to Brody that you want to work things out and make a life with him and the girls. The only way to have everything is to lay your cards out on the table and take a risk.”
“I just might come up bust,” she said.
Owen kissed her on the head and shoved her toward the door. “You might win the pot if you play your cards right.”