HISHELICOPTER LANDED on the hospital’s helipad and within minutes they were rushing through the front doors of the hospital.
The receptionist at the front desk blushed furiously when she looked up to see Patrick, and garbled out directions to the delivery ward. As she left Aideen gave her an understanding smile. He had that effect on all women. Herself included.
He didn’t wait for the lifts but instead took the steps up to the third floor two at a time. Aideen followed his frantic pace, glad she was fit from cycling around Mooncoyne.
Again there was a flutter of activity when he stopped at the nurses’ desk. Then they were directed to a number of chairs dotted along the corridor outside the delivery rooms, while one of the nurses went into the delivery suite to enquire if Orla was able to see him.
She could feel Patrick’s nervousness radiating off him. ‘It’s going to be okay.’
He looked at her for a long while and then nodded, the tension in his face easing a little.
The door of the delivery suite opened and the nurse came back out, beaming. ‘They’re ready for you,’ she said.
Patrick looked at Aideen in amazement. ‘Does that mean that...that the baby has been born already?’
Memories of holding her own niece for the first time, the tremendous wave of love that had speared her heart, caused a lump of happiness to form in Aideen’s throat. ‘Yes. You better get in there.’
‘Will you come in with me?’
‘No. This is your time with Orla and her baby.’
He hesitated for a moment. ‘What if I say the wrong thing?’
‘You won’t. Just be yourself... And remember Orla is a mum now, well capable of looking after herself. She doesn’t need you to make decisions for her—she just needs your support.’ She paused and eyed him with amusement. ‘And advice... But only if she asks for it.’
‘Will you wait here for me? I’d like to introduce you to Orla.’
‘I’ll wait.’
He stood and moved to the door, but then turned and said, ‘Thank you. For everything.’
She returned his smile, but after the door had swung closed after him it slowly faded.
From the delivery suite she could hear the murmur of voices. Earnest, but with no hint of argument. Maybe they would be okay. She willed them to be kind and patient with one another. To realise that they needed each other. She hoped they could forget the past and realise what a wonderful future they had before them.
Patrick would be a great uncle. He had so much generosity and integrity burning inside him. Along with strength and pride. He would be an incredible role model for Orla’s baby.
The murmurs had given way to light laughter. Patrick now had a newly expanded family to fill his life.
It was time for her to move on.
She left a brief note for him on her chair, and then walked back down the stairs and out of the hospital. She would get a cab to the train station. In Cork, she would get a bus to Mooncoyne.
As she queued at the taxi rank she tried to ignore the excited families going in and out of the hospital. But when a young couple emerged, the dad proudly holding his newborn child, she had to turn away, tears filming her eyes. She could go and stay with her own family, here in Dublin, but knew that if she saw her mum she would instantly burst into tears.
She would go home and lose herself in her work.
The taxi rank was busy and the line shuffled along slowly. With growing impatience she willed the taxis to come. She needed to get home. She needed to be in Mooncoyne. She needed the silence and beauty of West Cork in order to heal her broken heart.
At last it was her turn. The taxi drew to a halt, but just as she stepped forward to open the rear door a hand clasped her arm.
Patrick.
* * *
She had been crying. He tried to draw in a deep breath, but his heart was pounding too loudly, his stomach flipping so frantically there simply wasn’t enough room for his lungs to expand. He’d panicked when he had realised she had gone, and her note hadn’t helped. She had said she wished him well, but would prefer it if he didn’t contact her again.
This was going to be the most important conversation of his life.
What if he messed up?
What if he failed to convince her?
For a moment he hesitated, fearful of blowing this.
He had to pull himself together.
‘Will you come for a walk with me?’
She looked back at the taxi and for a moment he thought she was going say no. But then her shoulders dropped and the wariness of her gaze lessened.
‘Is this a good idea?’
He gave her a crooked smile and shrugged. ‘I’m hoping it’s the best idea I ever had.’
She stared at him in confusion, but then a faint hint of amusement shone in her eyes. ‘Okay.’
He took her to a nearby park, where sunlight glimmered through the trees and cast dark dancing shadows on the grey tarmacadam paths.
He didn’t know where to start, so he just blurted out everything that had been building in his chest, in his mind, in his heart, for the past week.
‘I’ve missed you.’
She looked at him with surprise and hurt.
God, this was harder than he’d thought. He wanted her to understand but he couldn’t find the words. He was usually articulate, forceful. But all of that was now lost to him.
Should he just take her into his arms and kiss her? Physically show her what he was trying to say?
That wasn’t the answer.
He needed to start making things right.
‘I’m sorry for what happened in Paris.’
Her head whipped round. In a rush, she said, ‘No, I should apologise. I said things that were too intense.’ Pointing to the cute blush on her cheeks she added, ‘As you can see, I’m pretty embarrassed about it all. I didn’t mean to put you under any pressure. I guess I misread all the signs.’
He shook his head. ‘No, you weren’t to blame. Everything happened so quickly. The intensity of it all got to me. After focusing on nothing but work for so long I felt overwhelmed.’
Her mouth twisted ruefully. ‘I guess what I said would have had most guys heading for the hills.’
A heavy sadness sat in his chest and his throat tightened with emotion. ‘Not if they’d experienced what we had together. It was special... But I had believed for so long that I wasn’t cut out to be in a relationship I couldn’t see beyond that.’
She looked at him, bewildered. ‘I don’t know why you keep saying that you aren’t suited to be in a relationship. Forget me, for one moment, and what we had. All I can see before me is a thoughtful, strong, honourable man who is deserving of love.’ She shook her head in exasperation. ‘You deserve to be loved, Patrick. I just hope in the future you can learn to let people into your life.’
He inhaled a steadying breath. He needed to let his heart speak and ignore the vulnerability and fear of exposing himself. The fear that she would say no.
‘You asked me in Paris why I couldn’t be in a relationship and I didn’t answer you truthfully. It was a step I just couldn’t take. Even now it feels like I’m about to yank out my heart and give it to you...which makes me feel pretty exposed.’
She looked at him, confused.
He took a deep breath.
‘When Orla moved in with me I was frightened of losing her, like I’d lost my mum and dad. So I tried to protect her as best I could. But now, because of you, I understand that I took the wrong approach. I shouldn’t have been so controlling, so protective. I should have included her in the decisions that had to be taken in the new life we were both suddenly facing.’
He inhaled a deep breath against the way his insides were tumbling.
‘You were right about Orla. I have to let her decide what support she wants from me. I’ll admit it will be hard to change, after years of trying to take charge, but I know I can no longer foist what I think she needs on her.’
His chest felt heavy with so many words still unsaid. He drew her away from the path and guided her to a bench under a giant chestnut tree. The wood was warm under his hands when he gripped the base of the seat tight. He glanced at her, and then away.
‘That fear of losing someone is the reason why I swore I never wanted to be in love with a woman. In Paris, as we grew closer, that fear intensified. I was worried that if I fell in love with you I’d only end up losing you at some point in the future. And that thought terrified me.’
His jaw ached with tension and he had to work it loose before he continued.
‘And rather than face that fear I refused to acknowledge what you meant to me. After we slept together all my feelings for you were exposed, and I panicked. I couldn’t handle how I was feeling. How close I felt to you, how I wanted you in my life. And when you said you were leaving I didn’t know how to ask you to stay.’ Shaking his head, he added, ‘At first I was angry at you for going. I wanted you not to love me.’
He gave a rueful laugh and looked towards the sky in disbelief.
‘I was cross that you had fallen in love with me. As if somebody can opt in or out of falling in love. And then I tried to convince myself that perhaps you going was for the best. That if you stayed any longer I wouldn’t be able to hide my feelings for you. And then I realised I was kidding myself—that I was lost without you. I missed you, Aideen, with every fibre of my being.’
He risked a quick glance in her direction and her look of compassion caught him off-guard. His throat tightened, but he forced himself to speak.
‘For so long I thought I’d failed not only Orla but my mum and dad, too. That I had not faced up to my responsibilities. But now I realise I have to accept that I did the best I could in looking after Orla. That I couldn’t do any more. I have to stop blaming myself.’
His heart raced in his chest and he squeezed his hands even tighter on the edge of the seat before he continued.
‘Today, as Orla and I spoke, I could see for the first time in a very long time that we can have a relationship that works, one that’s supportive and loving. And I realised that I have to stop worrying that I will mess up relationships... I have to let go of my fear of losing those I love. I also realised that if I let you go then I would really have failed. Failed you. And myself.’
Tears shone brightly in her eyes and his hand rose to capture her face. His thumb slowly stroked her skin. She was about to say something, but he spoke first.
‘That first time I opened my door to you the night of the storm—when you fell into my arms and soaked me through—I looked into those startled brown eyes and deep inside myself I recognised you. Recognised that you are the one. But I was too wrapped up in feelings of guilt and fear to see it. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you, so I kept telling myself not to fall for you. I hadn’t reckoned on how you would worm your way into my heart. How my resilience would waver each time you smiled and laughed. I hadn’t reckoned on the joy and fun you brought into my life. Just how mind-blowingly and crazily I would be physically attracted to you. How I’d lose my mind and my heart to you when we made love.’
His hand dropped from her cheek to hold hers. Blood pounded in his ears.
‘I love you, Aideen. I don’t know how, but in a matter of weeks you’ve turned my life upside down. I can’t even pinpoint when I fell in love with you. Perhaps it was at every moment that you challenged me, whether it was on the tennis court or in how I chose to spend my life. Of course I didn’t want to listen to you, but you loosened yet another chink in the armour I had wrapped around myself for years. Or maybe it was after I saw your delight went we ate at my club next to the Eiffel Tower. Until the day I die I will remember just how stunningly beautiful you looked that night.’
He watched her shocked expression, saw her hand pressed to her mouth. His stomach clenched.
He leant towards her and said in a low voice, ‘Since Paris, all I can think of is our lovemaking...your soft whispers. I’m in love with you, Aideen Ryan.’
She said nothing, just shook her head, her hand still over her mouth. Didn’t she believe him? Panic gripped him. Should he just stop? No. He had to tell her how much he loved her. How much he needed her in his life.
‘I’m in love with your chocolate eyes, your smiling mouth, your messy chatterbox ways. There’s so much I want to know about you. How you like to celebrate Halloween, Christmas, birthdays. What’s your favourite flavour of ice cream? There’s so much I want to experience with you. So much more I want to learn about you and fall in love with. To go along with how much I love your lips. The never-ending length of your eyelashes. Your constant daydreaming. The five tiny piercings in your right ear.’
That, at least, elicited a smile.
‘In Paris I was convinced I couldn’t give you the love you deserve. You had been hurt enough in the past without me adding to it. For so long I allowed my fear of losing those close to me to push people away. I was certain I wasn’t capable of being in an effective relationship. I was terrified of taking that blind leap of faith—of telling someone you love them and all the vulnerabilities and uncertainties that go with that.’
He looked into her eyes, his heart thumping wildly.
‘You helped bring Orla and her baby girl back into my life. My life was pretty empty until you arrived into it. My heart had shut down. I was tired of losing people I loved. But you kick-started it with a bang within hours of turning up in my life. That night of the storm I tried to shut you out, but you kept worming your way in with your warmth and humour.’
He shook his head and ran a hand through his hair.
‘At first I thought helping you would be a good distraction from everything that was happening with Orla. But, in truth, now I realise that I wanted to make up for failing Orla so badly by helping you instead. I hadn’t anticipated that it would actually be more about you helping me. As each day passed you became a bigger and bigger part of my life...until now I can’t imagine a life with you. So much so that in the past week I couldn’t settle to anything. I grew increasingly restless, and the only way I could think of distracting myself was by taking to the road again, by selling Ashbrooke. But the truth is I can’t live without you. You have made me want to live life again—fully. You are the most beautiful, courageous, kind, funny, and tender woman I have ever met and I want you in my life...for ever.’
* * *
Her head swam with all his words. It would be so easy to give in to her heart, give in to the chemistry and attraction that drew her like a magnet to him. She wanted nothing more than to spend every second of the rest of her life with him, to know every single inch of him.
But they were from different worlds, and no amount of love would change that.
‘I don’t know what to say. Oh, Patrick... You know how I feel for you, but this is never going to work. We’re too different. We’re not equals. I don’t want to be in an unbalanced relationship.’
The pull of his hand on hers forced her to look back up at him. Gentle eyes held her gaze.
‘What are you afraid of?’
Her pulse pounded at his question and her throat dried. ‘That you will have power over me. That I will spend my life feeling inadequate, unequal, that I didn’t contribute my fair share.’
He pulled her closer until there was only an inch separating them. His beautiful gaze held hers with such compassion and warmth tears trickled down her cheeks in response.
‘Have I ever done any of those things to you? Made you feel like you aren’t my equal?’
‘No...’
‘Do you trust me?’
Her heart burst forth with the truth and she answered resoundingly. ‘Yes, I trust you.’
‘Will you trust me when I say that we are equals? That we are both bringing different but equally important things to this relationship? You are bringing empathy, joy, creativity...and you brought my family back together. What could be more important than that? You have a love for me that no one else can ever give me. How can any of those things be of less importance than wealth?’ Before she could answer he said quickly, ‘You do love me, don’t you?’
She struggled to speak against the wave of emotions that churned in her body. She squeezed his hands, needing to clutch on to his strength in order to carry on. ‘I love you with all my heart. You are kind and generous. More handsome than any man deserves to be. You make me feel like the most special person in the world. When we made love I felt an intimacy, a love for you, that was so intense, so real...it was almost frightening. I love you so much... But you have so much wealth, and I have practically nothing... It doesn’t seem right. And I’m so confused.’
For a while he simply looked at her, deep in thought. His eyes grew sombre and determined. ‘Are you saying that if I lost all my money in the morning you wouldn’t love me?’
‘No! Of course not!’
And then she stopped as a satisfied smile broke on his lips.
‘So what are you saying?’
For the longest while she just stared at him, unsure. She trusted him. He had never tried to control or dominate her with his wealth and power. And if he was penniless it wouldn’t change her love for him.
‘I suppose I’m saying that I’m a little scared and daunted by all this.’
His head tilted to the side and he said gently, ‘Being in love is a little scary...but I promise I will never hurt you.’
‘Are you scared?’
‘Of course! I’m scared of being hurt, too—of you not loving me as much as I love you.’
‘But that would be impossible.’
‘Would it? Are you willing to take the risk and be with me? I love you. I want you by my side always. I want to wake to your smile, sleep with you in my arms. I want to care for you, protect you, argue with you, grow old with you. I want to share everything I have with you. Because in giving, in sharing everything I have with you, I hope you’ll see it as an indication of how much I love you. And in accepting me, and all that I have, you can show me how much you love and trust me. That you are willing to share my life.’
He dropped to his knees on the path before her and she could do nothing but gape at him, open-mouthed.
‘Before this year is out I want to stand before our families and friends and ask you. Aideen Ryan, for richer or poorer, will you marry me?’
Dizzy, she closed her eyes for a moment. The sun warmed her face as she turned it upwards and her hand swept away the tears on her cheeks. A fiery intensity beat in her heart.
The sun danced beneath her eyelids and when she dropped her head she opened her eyes to the pale blue Irish sky. The same glorious colour as his eyes, which she then turned to. Eyes filled with love...and a little apprehension.
She could barely speak, her pulse was pounding so hard. ‘I never thought I could ever love someone as much as I love you. With you I feel complete... I feel secure. I can be the best that I am with you. The world is more beautiful, more exciting, more intense with you in it. So, yes, I would be honoured to be your wife, to spend the rest of my life with you.’
His hands wrapped about her face and he gently drew her to him. Her breath caught at the power of the joy and love shining in his eyes.
He spoke in a low whisper. ‘It has taken me so long to find you...to allow love into my life. I’m never letting you out of my sight again. Promise me that we will never sleep a night apart. That you will come with me wherever I go.’
Her thumb traced the lines of his lips and she spoke with light, teasing laughter. ‘I promise... I will follow you to the ends of this world. But I’m warning you: I want lots of children, so you’ll have a lot of uncomfortable nights in hospital chairs.’
At that he stood, and looked down at her with stunned joy. Then he pulled her up and, holding her by the waist, swung her around and around.
When he stopped they were both breathless with laughter. And then his gaze darkened. ‘How about we start trying straight away?’
She inched forward and brushed her lips against his. ‘Good idea.’
And then she was lost to his strength, his warmth. His love.