Day 10
Love is unconditional
God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. —Romans 5:8
If someone were to ask you, “Why do you love your wife?” or “Why do you love your husband?”—what would you say?
Most men would mention their wife’s beauty, her sense of humor, her kindness, or her inner strength. They might talk about her cooking, her knack for decorating, or what a good mother she is.
Women would probably say something about their husband’s good looks or his personality. They’d commend him for his steadiness and consistent character. They’d say they love him because he’s always there for them. He’s generous. He’s helpful.
But what if over the course of years, your wife or husband stopped being every one of these things. Would you still love them? Based on your answers above, the only logical response would be “no.” If your reasons for loving your spouse all have something to do with his or her qualities—and then those same qualities suddenly or gradually disappear—your basis for love is over. The only way love can last a lifetime is if it’s unconditional. The truth is: lasting love is not determined by the one being loved but rather by the one choosing to love.
The Bible refers to this kind of love by using the Greek word agape (pronounced uh-GOP-ay). It differs from other types of love, like—phileo (friendship) and eros (sexual love). Both friendship and sex have an important place in marriage, of course, and are a big part of the house you build together as husband and wife. But if your marriage totally depends on having common interests or enjoying a healthy sex life, then the foundation of your relationship is unstable.
Phileo and eros are more responsive in nature and can fluctuate based upon feelings. When someone says, “I’ve fallen in love with you,” it is phileo or eros love. These are fickle and can change depending upon circumstances.
It is important to recognize that it’s possible to allow yourself to “fall in and out of love” with multiple people throughout life. That’s why we should guard our hearts from others, guarding it for our spouse alone.
You can also fall in and out of love with your own spouse hundreds of times throughout your life, depending on how well you’re getting along and how much you’re investing in the relationship. Feeling “in love” is something you can enjoy and continue to rekindle over the years. But it should not determine your commitment level to your marriage.
Agape love, on the other hand, is unselfish, unconditional, and unstoppable. It is based upon choice and commitment, not feelings. So unless this kind of love forms the foundation of your marriage, the wear and tear of time could destroy it. Agape love is “in sickness and health” love, “for richer or poorer” love, “for better or worse” love. It is the only kind of love that is lasting, unchanging, true love.
That’s because this is God’s kind of love. He doesn’t love us because we are lovable, but because He is so loving. “In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins” (1 John 4:10). If He insisted that we prove ourselves worthy of His love, we would fail miserably. But His love is a choice He makes completely on His own. It’s something we receive from Him and then share with others. “We love, because He first loved us” (1 John 4:19).
If a man says to his wife, “I no longer love you,” he is actually saying, “I never loved you unconditionally to begin with.” His love was based on feelings or circumstances rather than commitment. That’s the result of building a marriage on phileo or eros love. There must be a stronger foundation than mere friendship or sexual attraction. Unconditional love, agape love, will not be swayed by time or circumstance.
That’s not to say that love which began for the wrong reasons cannot be restored and redeemed. In fact, when you rebuild your marriage with agape as its foundation, the friendship and romantic aspects of your love become more endearing than ever before. When your enjoyment of each other as both best friends and lovers is based on unwavering commitment, you will experience an intimacy that cannot be achieved any other way.
But you will struggle and ultimately fail to attain this kind of marriage unless you first allow God to begin establishing and growing His love within you. Love that “bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” (1 Corinthians 13:7) does not come from within. It can only come from God (1 John 4:7–16).
The Scriptures say that “neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:38–39). This is God’s kind of love. And thankfully—by your choice—it can become your kind of love. But first you must receive it and share it.
And then, regardless of circumstances and feelings, you and your spouse can begin living confidently and securely under its shade. You will no longer say, “I love you because . . .” You will now say, “I love you, period.”
TODAY'S DARE
Do something out of the ordinary today for your spouse—something that proves (to you and to them) that your love is based on your choice and nothing else. Wash her car. Clean the kitchen. Buy his favorite dessert. Fold the laundry. Demonstrate love to them for the sheer joy of being their partner in marriage.
____ Check here when you’ve completed today’s dare.
Has your love typically been based on your spouse’s attributes and behavior, or have you based it instead on your own commitment? How can you continue to show love when it’s not returned in a way you hoped for?
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