Day 13

Love fights fair

If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand. —Mark 3:25

Like it or not, conflict in marriage is simply inevitable. When you tied the knot as bride and groom, you joined not only your hopes and dreams but also your hurts, fears, imperfections, and emotional baggage. From the moment you unpacked from your honeymoon, you began the real process of unpacking one another, unpleasantly discovering how sinful and selfish each of you could be.

Pretty soon your mate started to slip off your lofty pedestal, and you off of theirs. The forced closeness of marriage began stripping away your public façades, exposing your private problems and secret habits. Welcome to fallen humanity.

At the same time, the storms of life began testing and revealing what you’re really made of. Work demands, health issues, in-law arguments, and financial needs flared up in varying degrees, adding pressure and heat to the relationship. This set the stage for disagreements to break out between the two of you. You argued and fought. You hurt. You experienced conflict. Every couple goes through it. It’s par for the course. You are not alone. But not every couple survives it.

So don’t think living out today’s dare will drive all conflict from your marriage. Instead, this is about dealing with conflict in such a way that you come out healthier on the other side.

Both of you. Together.

The deepest, most heartbreaking damage you’ll ever do (or ever have done) to your marriage will most likely occur in the thick of conflict. That’s because this is when your pride is strongest. Your anger is hottest. You’re the most selfish and judgmental. Your words contain the most venom. You make the worst decisions. A great marriage on Monday can start driving off the cliff on Tuesday if unbridled conflict takes over and neither of you has your foot on the brakes.

But love steps in and changes things. Love reminds you that your marriage is too valuable to allow it to self-destruct, and that your love for your spouse is more important than whatever you’re fighting about. Love helps you install air bags and set up guardrails in your relationship. It protects your oneness. It reminds you that conflict can actually be turned around for good and can result in even greater unity, not less. Married couples who learn to work wisely through their conflict tend to be much closer, more trusting, more intimate, and enjoy a much deeper connection afterwards.

But how? The wisest way is to learn to fight clean by establishing healthy rules of engagement. If you don’t have guidelines for how you’ll approach hot topics, you won’t stay in bounds when the action heats up.

Basically there are two types of boundaries for dealing with conflict: “we” boundaries and “me” boundaries.

“We” boundaries are rules you both agree on beforehand that apply during any fight or altercation. And each of you has the right to gently but directly enforce them if these rules are violated. These could include:

  1. We will never mention divorce.
  2. We will not bring up old, unrelated items from the past.
  3. We will never fight in public or in front of our children.
  4. We will call a “time out” if the conflict escalates to a damaging level.
  5. We will never touch one another in a harmful way.
  6. We will never go to bed angry with one another.
  7. Failure is not an option. Whatever it takes, we will work this out.

“Me” boundaries are rules you personally practice on your own. Here are some of the most effective examples:

  1. I will listen first before speaking. “Everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger” (James 1:19). The one who listens first consistently has the advantage in a fight. You should always approach sensitive issues by respectfully asking questions rather than making assumptions or unleashing accusations.
  2. I will deal with my own issues up-front. “Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?” (Matthew 7:3). If you quickly admit where you were wrong and apologize first, you disarm your spouse and neutralize the ammo they were using against you while leading the way for them to deal with their mistakes as well.
  3. I will speak gently and keep my voice down. “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1). People tend to mirror their enemy in a fight. The more intense you get, the more intense they get. The more humble and tender you become, the more humble and tender they become. Let how you are speaking be laced with love regardless of what you are saying.

Fighting fair means changing your weapons. Disagreeing with dignity. Building a bridge instead of burning one down. Love is not a fight, but it is always worth fighting for.

TODAY'S DARE

Talk with your spouse about establishing healthy rules of engagement. If your mate is not ready for this, then write out your own personal rules to “fight” by. Resolve to abide by them when the next disagreement occurs.

____ Check here when you’ve completed today’s dare.

If your spouse participated with you, what was their response? What rules did you write for yourself?

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Be of the same mind toward one another. (Romans 12:16)

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“I needed to make changes in me if I wanted to see better results with him.”—Jaime