Day 31
Love and marriage
A man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. —Genesis 2:24
This verse is God’s original blueprint for marriage. His specific “one man + one woman = one” design was established at creation (Genesis 2:24), verified by Jesus (Mark 10:6–9), and clarified by the apostle Paul (Ephesians 5:31). But for it to work as designed, it requires a tearing away and a knitting together. It reconfigures existing relationships while establishing a brand new one. Marriage changes everything. And couples who don’t take this “leaving” and “cleaving” message to heart will reap the consequences down the line, when the problems are much harder to repair without hurting someone.
“Leaving” means that you are breaking a natural tie. Your parents now step into the role of counselors to be respected, but are no longer authorities who tell you what to do.
Many newlyweds, however, have a hard time leaving their parents behind. Or parents may not feel ready to release a child from their control and expectations, and fail to do their part in this necessary transaction. In such cases, the grown child must make “leaving” a courageous choice of his own. And far too often, this break is not made in the right way.
The purpose of “leaving,” of course, is not to abandon all contact with the past but rather to establish and preserve the unique oneness that marriage is designed to capture. Only in oneness can you become all God means for you to be. If you’re too tightly bound to your parents, if they or your in-laws are allowed to dictate and make demands, the independent identity of your marriage that God desires will not be able to come to flower. You will always be held back, and a root of division will continue to send up weeds into your relationship.
You need to lovingly tell them that while you are grateful for their counsel and prayers, they must give you and your spouse the space to freely make your own decisions. Even if they react with surprise or a sense of hurt, this is a necessary step to help you move forward together. Courage and clarity must be gently employed to break your marriage free from any unhealthy attachment.
Sometimes, the unhealthy ties that parents keep with their children are related to unfinished business. Dad may feel that an apology is still in order or a wrong hasn’t been forgiven. Mom may fear that her grown child won’t survive without her. They may both be feeling insecurity in adjusting to the empty nest. They may simply long to be thanked for all they’ve done or need assurance of your continued love. Regardless, the married son or daughter is wise to take his or her parents out for a meal or write them a well-thought-out letter to express genuine love and grateful appreciation along with any needed words of apology or encouragement.
Just know that issues likely won’t go away unless you do something. Your greater loyalty must shift from your parents to your spouse. It must also shift away from old flames and old friends to your mate. Everyone else must take a back seat and become properly emotionally distanced enough to give your union room to bloom. For without “leaving,” you cannot do the “cleaving” you need, the joining of your hearts that’s required to experience oneness.
“Cleaving” carries the idea of catching someone by pursuit, clinging to them as your new help and support. This union should form a oneness that can benefit everything else you do. This man is now the spiritual leader of your new home, tasked with the responsibility of providing for you, protecting you, and loving you “just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25). This woman is now one in union with you, called to help, beautifully complete, and uniquely support you as one who chooses to respect her husband the way the church respects Christ (Ephesians 5:22–33). Both of you raise your marriage exponentially in value the more you realize whom you are called to daily represent.
However, it’s not unusual for couples—even Christian couples—to think they know better than God does and ignore His purpose for their union or their roles as He designed. Applying Genesis 2:24 seems too foreign or difficult for them. So they settle for worldly thinking and neglect the “leaving and cleaving” God intended. They may sacrifice the oneness and strength of the most ultimate relationship of their lives to please others who are not a part of them. They don’t realize that the more unified their marriage, the more fulfilled and stronger they will be to handle every other role and responsibility in their lives.
It’s extremely hard, of course, when your pursuit of oneness is basically one-sided. Your spouse may not currently be interested in recapturing the unity and purpose in your marriage that God has printed on its DNA. Even if there is a measure of desire on their part, the divisive issues between the two of you may be nowhere close to being resolved.
But by praying for and prioritizing your mate above your other loyalties, by protecting your oneness as a guarded treasure, your marriage over time can begin to enjoy the majesty of unity that God intended. His decision to make you “one” in marriage was intentional, beautiful, eternal, and can make anything possible.
So leave. And cleave. And dare to walk as one.
TODAY'S DARE
Is there a “leaving” issue with your parents or someone else you haven’t been brave enough to conquer yet? Confess it to your spouse today, and resolve to make it right. The oneness of your marriage is dependent upon it. Follow this with a commitment to your spouse and to God to make your marriage the top priority over every other human relationship.
____ Check here when you’ve completed today’s dare.
Has this been a hard thing for you to deal with? How has it affected your relationship? If the worse offender in this area is your spouse (with your in-laws), how can you lovingly move this toward a better situation?
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