A Bad Maniac: Pyro.
LARRY: In retrospect it would have been a lot better had he been a kleptomaniac or another kind of maniac rather than pyro, because that’s—
JEFF: Pyro’s a bad maniac.
LARRY: If you’re going to be a maniac, pyro is a bad maniac.
—“The Wire” (Season One, Episode 6)
Able-Bodied: The politically correct way to describe a person who does not have any disabilities or handicaps.
LARRY: Really! First of all, we don’t like to be referred to as “normal.” We’re “able-bodied.” Able-bodied, not normal—that’s like from the Eighties. Who doesn’t know that?
—“The Bowtie” (Season Five, Episode 2)
Acting Without Acting: The title of a book Jason Alexander has written about acting (in the world of Curb Your Enthusiasm), and the concept of acting without showing any effort. The logical coherence of this expression is under dispute.
JERRY: But you’re still acting.
JASON ALEXANDER: Yeah, of course you’re acting.
JERRY: Right, so it could be acting with acting. That could be a title, too. Having said that, I think this is a terrific title.
—“Seinfeld” (Season Seven, Episode 10)
Allotment: The socially acceptable amount of hors d’oeuvres to take for yourself at a dinner party.
LARRY: I think you’re going over your allotment by a little bit, no?
CHRISTIAN SLATER: My allotment?
LARRY: You know, we’re each entitled to take a certain amount, so everybody else can have a little bit, too. Feels like you’re going over.
—“The Hot Towel” (Season Seven, Episode 4)
Anonymous: A term people give to their charitable donations when they want to maximize the praise they receive from others.
LARRY: Next time I give money to anybody, it will be anonymous. . . . And I’m going to tell everybody.
—“Anonymous Donor” (Season Six, Episode 2)
Applesauce: A very underrated side dish.
LARRY: We should consider it for the menu, encourage people even. . . . It’s a very underrated side dish. That’s my point. It’s an underrated side dish.
—“The Nanny From Hell” (Season Three, Episode 4)
Asker or Toucher: A question about who is entitled or obligated to pay the check at a restaurant.
ROSIE: I had first dibs. I touched it first, Larry.
LARRY: I asked, though. I think that gets priority. What gets priority on a check, asker or toucher?
—“The Freak Book” (Season Six, Episode 5)
Ass Lever: The ass used as a lever to enhance a snuggling experience by bringing the other person closer.
LARRY: I’m using the ass as a lever to draw you in. That’s all. And it gets the snuggle tighter.
—“Lewis Needs a Kidney” (Season Five, Episode 5)
Ass Man: A man who is unusually fond of women’s asses.
WANDA: This man—you have an ass fetish. Larry, you are an ass man.
LARRY: I am not an ass man.
WANDA: You are an ass man.
—“Thor” (Season Two, Episode 2)
Bald Brothers: All bald men in the world. They love each other and live according to their own unique unwritten code, the bald code.
LARRY: There’s no meetings, but, you know, we see each other on the street, nod—we’ll give a thumbs up . . . You know, we love each other, me and my bald brothers.
—“The N Word” (Season Six, Episode 8)
Bald Code: A set of unwritten rules governing (i) how bald brothers are supposed to treat each other (e.g., they can call each other “baldy,” but should never be involved in lawsuits against each other), (ii) how they are supposed to behave in public (e.g., they are not supposed to hide their baldness with toupees or hair plugs), and (iii) what they are supposed to value (e.g., they are supposed to be proud of their baldness).
LARRY: (referring to Cheryl’s divorce lawyer) Hey, you hired a bald man, huh?
CHERYL: That was a coincidence. I didn’t really go after a bald man.
LARRY: (speaking to Cheryl’s lawyer) You know, you should have recused yourself. We can’t go up against each other. It’s a code. It’s in the bald code.
—“The Divorce” (Season Eight, Episode 1)
Bald Community: A proud grouping of bald brothers, and supporters of bald brothers, united by a common culture, especially a bald code.
LARRY: Yeah, he’s a bald guy, too. It’s very bad for the bald community.
NEIGHBOR: Larry, what’s very bad for the community is that he’s a sex offender.
LARRY: I know, but as long as he’s going to be a sex offender, I wish he had a full head of hair, that’s all.
—“The Seder” (Season Five, Episode 7)
Bar Misfit: According to “Danny Duberstein,” it is something a Jewish male does every thirteen years to “recharge the mitzvah” and keep it at “mitzvah capacity.”
LARRY: Say that again.
LEON: Bar misfit.
LARRY: It’s not “bar misfit.” Bar mitzvah!
LEON: Bar misfit!
LARRY: Vah! . . . If we’re going to do this thing you better learn how to pronounce it!
—“The Table Read” (Season Seven, Episode 9)
Bathroom Monitor: Someone who pays attention to how often you use the bathroom, how long you use it for, what you do while you use it, and then reports this information to other people.
LARRY: It’s like having a bathroom monitor. I have a bathroom monitor. . . . Her office is right across from the bathroom. Every time I go to the bathroom I have to have this stop and chat with her both before I go and after I go. It’s too much.
LEWIS: She means well. By the way, she tells me you go to the bathroom like ten to fourteen times a day. You move your bowels; you piss. Are you all right?
LARRY: I don’t want her monitoring my bathroom habits, okay?!!!
—“The Lefty Call” (Season Six, Episode 4)
Bathroom Trick: A ploy used to avoid paying the check at a restaurant.
LARRY: I know what you do.
STU BRAUDY: What?
LARRY: Every time the check comes, how you run off to the bathroom. . . . You don’t think I see that?
LARRY: You don’t think I know about that bathroom trick? I invented that bathroom trick!
—“The Terrorist Attack” (Season Three, Episode 5)
Bats, Balls, and Gloves: A metaphor for understanding human sexuality, as well as the basic concepts in Leon’s argument against Larry’s theory of the lesbian advantage.
LARRY: The woman is on this earth to catch balls. Interesting theory. Too bad I don’t have a daughter. I would like to impart that knowledge to her.
—“The Bi-Sexual” (Season Eight, Episode 7)
Benadryl-Brownie: A brownie laced with Benadryl, which one might give to a Christian Scientist who refuses to take any drugs to clear up her allergic reaction to nuts. The ethical justification for doing so is twofold: (i) it doesn’t hurt anyone, and (ii) it could strengthen her faith.
LARRY: What, the Benadryl-brownie?
LEWIS: First of all, she will never know.
LARRY: Even if she got better, they would think it was because of prayer.
—“The Benadryl-Brownie” (Season Three, Episode 2)
Better: An ambiguous description of one’s health. It means either (i) that one’s health has improved relative to what it had been, which is compatible with still being sick or injured, or (ii) that one’s health has improved completely.
LARRY: Yeah, she asked me how I was feeling. I said, “Better.” Better than before, not one hundred percent better, not all better. But better . . . In English, “better” doesn’t mean completely better . . . “Better” is not all better. It’s better . . .
ACUPUNCTURIST: Better is better. You said you were better.
—“The Acupuncturist” (Season Two, Episode 6)
A Big, Expansive Man: Something you can call yourself when you feel morally superior to your friend.
LEWIS: At least it’s an admission of guilt.
LARRY: It’s not an admission of guilt. How’s that an admission of guilt? I was the man. I’m a big man. I’m a big, expansive man.
—“The Baptism” (Season Two, Episode 9)
Big Vagina: A vagina so large that it makes most penises seem small.
JEFF: I’ll tell you what, I bet you there’s a ton of guys out there who’ve been labeled with “small penis”—I bet you fifty percent—and it’s the big vagina.
LARRY: Think of it biologically: why shouldn’t there be as many big vaginas as there are small penises? Right?
JEFF: These big vagina ladies are getting away with murder.
—“The Ski Lift” (Season Five, Episode 8)
Bisexual: Someone who is too selfish to be sexually attracted to just one gender.
ROSIE: Pick a side already, right? Can’t you make up your mind?
LARRY: Absolutely! What is it, they have to have sex with everyone? Half the population isn’t enough for them? They want everybody, they’re so selfish?
—“The Bisexual” (Season Eight, Episode 7)
Bitch: A disrespectful word that can be used to add variety to the diction in rap lyrics.
LARRY: I would lose the “muthafucka” at the end, because you already said “fuck” once. You don’t need two “fucks.” You already got the one “fuck.” I would change the “muthafucka” to “bitch,” because “bitch” is a word that you would use for somebody you disrespect.
—“Krazee-Eyez Killa” (Season Three, Episode 8)
Bow-Sorry: The way you feel when you are so sorry that a bow is called for.
JANE: Are you really sorry?
LARRY: Yes!
JANE: Okay, then give me a bow.
LARRY: I don’t know if I am bow-sorry.
JANE: No, I need bow-sorry or I am not forgiving you.
—“The Bi-Sexual” (Season Eight, Episode 7)
Breast Intervention: The attempt to persuade a woman not to have her breasts enlarged.
LEWIS: But the problem is, she’s an actor, she’s a singer, she’s talented. But she wants to get her breasts enlarged, and it’s going to drive Kenny crazy.
LARRY: He doesn’t know about it?
LEWIS: No. I need you to help to talk her out of it. Just like a breast intervention.
—“Ben’s Birthday Party” (Season Four, Episode 2)
Breast Vision: An unusually acute sensitivity to naked breasts, and the ability to see them well even from a long distance.
LARRY: By the way, I did notice in the show that there’s a small mole on the underside of your right breast that you might want to get checked out.
BURLESQUE DANCER: Are you being serious? There’s a mole?
LEWIS: How did you see a small mole from where you were sitting?
LARRY: Well, I have breast vision.
—“The Safe House” (Season Eight, Episode 2)
Bring the Ruckus: To have a sex life satisfying enough to obviate the need or desire to masturbate.
LARRY: I just spoke to my wife, and she said she was putting some flowers in your room. And she found a stain on your blanket. . . .
LEON: Well, it couldn’t have been mine. Know why? ’Cause I gets mine, Larry. I brings the ruckus to the ladies!
—“The Anonymous Donor” (Season Six, Episode 2)
Cashew-Raisin Balance: The cashew-raisin ratio in a package of “cashew-raisins.”
LARRY: There’s only four cashews in here. Look, they’re all the same. This one’s got four, three.
GAY CHOREOGRAPHER: That’s probably a mistake.
LARRY: The whole cashew-raisin balance is askew.
—“The 5 Wood” (Season Four, Episode 5)
Caucasian: A name a black man might call himself when asked to describe his friendship with a white man.
LARRY: Are you my Caucasian?
KRAZEE-EYEZ: I’m your fucking Caucasian!
—“Krazee-Eyez Killa” (Season Three, Episode 8)
Chat and Cut: A ploy used to cut in line without being noticed. If you don’t want to wait in a long line, and you see a friend (or even just an acquaintance you vaguely know) near the front, you can cut surreptitiously by chatting with your friend or acquaintance. As long as you’re there chatting, you might as well buy your ticket or get your dinner at the buffet! At that point you will have cut by chatting. You will have “chat and cut.”
LARRY: She’s doing a chat and cut.
JEFF: Chat and cut, really?
LARRY: She’s feigning familiarity with someone she vaguely knows for the sole purpose of cutting in line.
JEFF: You’re sure?
LARRY: Positive. She’ll be picking up a plate any second, watch. There she goes.
—“Vow of Silence” (Season Eight, Episode 5)
Cheek-to-Cheek Contact: Evidence that a hug between men has been sub-optimal.
LARRY: Your cheek just touched mine on that hug.
STU: Ya, I hugged you.
LARRY: But still, cheek to cheek contact between men, that’s unacceptable.
—“The Smiley Face” (Season Eight, Episode 4)
Coachy: A cultural identity possessed by the people who sit in the coach section on airplanes, and by some people who sit in first class.
WOMAN IN COACH: You get on first, you get free drinks, you get a hot towel . . .
LARRY: No, no, just because I’m sitting up there you’re making a generalization about me, but I’m not like a first class person. I’m coachy.
WOMAN IN COACH: Maybe it’s just that you’re not acting coachy.
—“The Hero” (Season Eight, Episode 6)
Cool-De-La: A state of brotherly love between friends. It seems to be something you appreciate most when you lose it.
KRAZEE-EYEZ: I thought we were cool-de-la, man.
LARRY: I’m cool-de-la.
KRAZEE-EYEZ: We ain’t cool-de-la?
LARRY: No, we are cool-de-la.1
—“Krazee-Eyez Killa” (Season Three, Episode 8)
Criminal: Paying the host at a restaurant to let you cut in line and get a table before it’s your turn.
CHERYL: I’m extremely attracted to you right now.
LARRY: That’s because it’s criminal. Women are attracted to criminals.
—“Affirmative Action” (Season 1, Episode 9)
The Cut-Off: The point at which it is no longer socially acceptable to (i) make a phone call at night (“The Wire,” Season One, Episode 6), (ii) have a birthday party (“Ben’s Birthday Party,” Season Four, Episode 2), (iii) accept a wedding gift (“Club Soda and Salt,” Season Three, Episode 3), (v) call an opposite sex platonic friend at night (“Mary, Joseph, and Larry,” Season Three, Episode 9), or (vi) go trick-or-treating (“Trick or Treat,” Season Two, Episode 3).2
CHERYL: Ten o’clock is the cut off time. You don’t call people after ten.
LARRY: No, no, no, the cut off time is ten-thirty.
—“The Wire” (Season One, Episode 6)
Date: “An experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone”
—“Palestinian Chicken” (Season Eight, Episode 3)
Daytime Sex: Sex that is especially enjoyable because it is had during the day.
LARRY: Daytime sex? I love daytime sex. You can just go on with the rest of the day as if nothing happened.
—“The Korean Bookie” (Season Five, Episode 9)
Dick-World: The world seen from the perspective of a man who only or mostly thinks about sex.
LEON: Thank God he didn’t hand you his dick. You know what I mean? He could have been shaking that dick up, hand you the dick, and the dick shot sperm in your face.
LARRY: Yeah, but why would he hand me a dick?
LEON: I mean it’s an example.
LARRY: What kind of example is that?
LEON: I’m just comparing it to other things you could shake up . . . with Parkinson’s, right?
LARRY: You just live in a total dick world, don’t you?
—“Larry vs. Michael J. Fox” (Season Eight, Episode 10)
Dinner Party: A mysterious social practice often observed among normal adult humans.
LARRY: Why do you do this with these dinner parties? What is this compulsion to have people over to your house and serve them food and talk to them? What a strange thing.
—“AAMCO” (Season One, Episode 7)
Divorce: An event that we should celebrate as if it were a wedding.
LEON: You know what you should do? You should ride around and bomp the horn and shit, like motherfucker’s getting married, you know what I mean?
LARRY: What a great idea! Put cans on your car, honk the horn.
FUNKHOUSER: Just divorced!
—“The Divorce” (Season Eight, Episode 1)
Domino Effect: The consequences of one person parking outside of the lines in a parking lot: either everybody is forced to park outside the lines as well, or you park poorly because the guy next to you did, but then he leaves before you do and you get blamed for being a pig-parker.
FUNKHOUSER: Why did you have to take up two parking spaces? You made me take two parking spaces, okay?
LARRY: Yes, I can understand that you’re upset. I, too, was upset when I saw the red Volvo to my left also taking up two spaces. He created a domino effect.
FUNKHOUSER: There’s no Volvo out there.
LARRY: There was when I parked, okay?
—“Vow of Silence” (Season Eight, Episode 5)
Double-Goodbye: Saying goodbye at a dinner party for a second time because you had to re-enter to retrieve something you forgot, such as a watch.
LARRY: I don’t want to do a “double-goodbye.” I’ve already said “goodbye” under the worst possible circumstances. Now you want me to go in and do the double-goodbye?
—“Porno Gil” (Season One, Episode 3)
Double-Transgression Theory: The idea that you’re free to do whatever you want when you’re in trouble, since you’re already being punished. If you’re a dog and you’ve been sent to your doghouse for peeing on the carpet, you might as well grab a steak off the dining room table on your way out the door.
JEFF: Come on, man, you’re already in the doghouse. You can’t get in any more trouble. You might as well get your money’s worth.
LARRY: Yeah, I might as well do something else wrong.
JEFF: It’s a double-transgression theory.
LARRY: What an interesting theory.
—“The Smoking Jacket” (Season Five, Episode 6)
Dubious: How some people feel when you promise to tip them on another occasion.
LARRY: I don’t have anything for you right now. I only got, like, twenties. Sorry, I’ll get you tomorrow. Don’t be dubious. Don’t be dubious!
BELLBOY: No!
LARRY: You’re dubious. I’m going to get you tomorrow.
—“Opening Night” (Season Four, Episode 10)
E-jac-a-lit: Semen.
LARRY: Ejaculate.
LEON: E-jac-a-lit?
LARRY: Not “e-jac-a-lit,” ejaculate.
LEON: E-jac-a-lit.
—“Meet the Blacks” (Season Six, Episode 1)
Elevator Etiquette: Holding the doors open for people who would otherwise have to wait for the next elevator. The upside to this etiquette is under dispute.
LARRY: Let me tell you something, my days of elevator etiquette are over. Over! I’m not holding doors anymore. I’m not letting women out first anymore. That’s done!
—“Interior Decorator” (Season One, Episode 5)
Encroachment: When someone uses space that you are entitled to on a plane.
DONNA: Are you really pushing my drink back?
LARRY: Encroachment.
DONNA: Encroachment?
LARRY: Yes, you’re encroaching.3
—“The Hero” (Season Eight, Episode 6)
Fake Philanthropy/Faux Anonymity: What a person does when he or she pretends to make an anonymous charitable donation, while in fact telling other people about it.
LARRY: Nobody told me that I could be anonymous and tell people. I would have taken that option, okay? You can’t have it halfway. You’re either anonymous or you’re not. What is it?
CHERYL: Look, people are pointing and going, “Oh, there’s Larry David’s wing.”
LARRY: Oh, yeah, there’s Larry David, the guy who has to have his name up on the wall, as opposed to Mr. Anonymous but was really Ted.
CHERYL: I’m proud of you . . .
LARRY: Anonymous . . . It’s fake philanthropy, and it’s faux anonymity. What do you think about that?
—“The Anonymous Donor” (Season Six, Episode 2)
Favor: The meaning of this term is disputed. According to Larry, a favor is something you do without expecting anything in return. According to Jerry, it’s something you do expecting to be paid.
LARRY: I asked him to do me a favor. I didn’t say, “I want to hire you.” I said, “Do me a favor.”
JERRY: That’s what a tip is. A tip is money for a favor.
LARRY: No, a favor implies no tip.
—“Seinfeld” (Season Seven, Episode 10)
Fierce: A word used, mostly by gay men, to endorse someone or something.
JEFF: At first I thought it was my imagination, but you’re talking really gay. No, no, no, really gay. “Fierce”? Where does “fierce” come from? And everything is this and that!
LARRY: Steve the choreographer says it all the time.
JEFF: You’re Steve, the gay choreographer.
—“The 5 Wood” (Season Four, Episode 5)
Finders, Keepers: A puzzle. If you lose something of yours, and I find it, is it still yours? Or has it become mine because I found it?
LARRY: That’s David Schwimmer’s watch.
SIKH: No, I found it. It’s my watch.
LARRY: I know you found it . . . It belongs to David Schwimmer.
SIKH: No, finders keepers.
LARRY: No, not finders keepers, that’s not right.
—“Opening Night” (Season Four, Episode 10)
Five-Second Rule: The amount of time a healthy man can be in contact with another person before getting an erection.
JEFF: (asking Larry about the erection he got while hugging Auntie Rae) How does that happen to you?
LARRY: You know, she went over the appropriate amount of time that I can have human contact without getting aroused. I only have five seconds. After that it’s out of my control.
—“The N Word” (Season Six, Episode 8)
Flaunt: The act of exposing your bare midriff.
MAUREEN: Do you know that I have lost sixty-eight pounds in two years?
LARRY: That is fantastic. I’m so happy for you.
MAUREEN: Thank you. I’m very proud of it and I want to flaunt what I’ve got.
LARRY: You can flaunt two-thirds of the day outside the office. And then you got one-third non-flaunt. Do you have to flaunt twenty-four hours? Why not take a break in the flaunt?
—“The Bare Midriff” (Season Seven, Episode 6)
Floor Shit: Flooring materials, such as wood.
KRAZEE-EYEZ: We got the floor, you know what I mean? It’s made out of some floor shit, you know what I’m saying?
LARRY: Yeah, that’s floor shit.
—“Krazee-Eyez Killa” (Season Three, Episode 8)
Flummoxed: The way you claim to have felt when you’ve “yelled for society” at the wrong time, in the wrong way, toward the wrong person, and/or for the wrong reason. It’s a kind of justification for bad behavior: you couldn’t help it—you were flummoxed.
LARRY: I want to apologize for the whole sponge thing. You know what happened that night, because of the survivor confrontation—it just brought up a lot of stuff about the Holocaust. It’s kind of in my DNA, and I was very flummoxed by it. Very flummoxed.
—“The Survivor” (Season Four, Episode 9)
Friend o’Lesbians: A man who is unusually friendly with and trusted by the lesbian community.
LARRY: Lesbians love me. They love me . . . Obviously, they talk amongst themselves and the word got out that I am a friend o’lesbians.
—“The Bowtie” (Season Five, Episode 2)
Fuck Hhhyyeeeeewwww: A maximally offensive way to say “fuck you” to a guy named Hugh.
LARRY: Fuck Hugh.
HUGH: Fuck you.
LARRY: Fuck Hhhyyeeeeewwww.
—“The Nanny from Hell” (Season Three, Episode 4)
Get in That Ass: The way you’re supposed to respond to being insulted and threatened by a skinhead.
LEON: You let that man slide today. You’ve got immediately to get in somebody’s ass when that happens to you. You pull that asshole open, step into that asshole, close the door behind you. Take a spray paint can, right? “Larry was here.” You spray paint, “Larry was here,” “wash me”—all that kind a shit. Fuck his whole asshole up. Eat some snicker bars, throw some paper on the floor, read a newspaper, ball the paper up and throw the newspaper on the floor. Fuck his whole asshole up, know what I’m sayin’? And you open that asshole one more time. Open it again. Open that asshole again. Huhhhhh! Step out his ass. And leave that motherfucker wide open so he know you been there.
—“The Lefty Call” (Season Six, Episode 4)
Gift: A puzzle. If I give you a gift, and you refuse it for some reason, is it no longer a gift for you? Or does it retain its gifthood on account of my initial attempt to give it to you?
TED DANSON: I only gave it back to you because you were being rude about me having to exchange it.
LARRY: Well, you still nevertheless didn’t accept my gracious gift . . . 4
—“Chet’s Shirt” (Season Three, Episode 1)
Going Down with the Ship: Finishing what you start, whether it’s a relationship or a book, regardless of whether you want to, and often in spite of not wanting to, merely because you started it.
LARRY: I finish things I start. Books, they can be five hundred pages—once I start them, even if I hate it, I’ll finish it. I have friends who I can’t stand, you know, for like twenty-five years. I’m still friends with them.
LARRY: Because I stay to the end, until they’re dead. I go down with the ship. That’s what I do. I’m not even the captain; I’m going down with the ship. That’s how I want you to think about me: I’m the guy who keeps the captain company.
—“Bat Mitzvah” (Season Six, Episode 10)
Goldfish: A mostly unrewarding responsibility, not a pet.
LARRY: It’s like a huge responsibility feeding fish. It’s not fun. Think about it, you know, I’m outside, and I gotta go home to feed fish? I mean seriously, who gives a shit?
DOCTOR SCHAFFER: Mr. David, I wanted to talk to you about your girlfriend.
LARRY: You know, they’re not pets, really, but yet it’s the same responsibility as a pet. But you get nothing back. You watch them? Is that supposed to be fascinating?
—“Funkhouser’s Crazy Sister” (Season Seven, Episode 1)
Groat’s Disease/Syndrome: A fictional neurological disorder, named after the doctor who discovered it, that causes hyperactivity in children, as if they’ve had “five cups of coffee at all times” (“The Thong,” Season Two, Episode 5). It is also fatal.
MICHAEL RICHARDS: Tell me about the Groat’s.
LEON: (disguised as Danny Duberstein) Well, everything I ate tasted like peaches. . . . And I forgot how to multiply.
—“The Table Read” (Season Seven, Episode 9)
GTS: Guaranteed tremendous safety, a special feature in some Toyota models.
DANA: I notice this is a GT and the brochure says there’s a model called the GTS. Now what is the difference between the GT and the GTS?
LARRY: Okay, the GTS is “guaranteed tremendous safety.”
DANA: So, without the “S,” it’s just “guaranteed tremendous”?
—“The Car Salesman” (Season Two, Episode 1)
Half Get-Up: Only standing up halfway upon meeting someone.
LARRY: Am I supposed to get up? I did sort of a half get-up.
LEWIS: For my niece, I think a full get-up would’ve . . .
—“Ben’s Birthday Party” (Season Four, Episode 2)
Hammock: A metaphor for understanding Larry’s inner tranquility.
THERAPIST: I see swings of emotion that disturb me a little bit, Larry.
LARRY: There’s no swing. I’m a hammock just gently flowing in the breeze.
—“The Thong” (Season Two, Episode 5)
Having Lunch Together: Ambiguous. Does having lunch together require that people start eating at the same time, or is simply being in each other’s presence sufficient?
LUNCH GUEST: I think it would be polite to wait for your food to arrive.
LARRY: I think it’s kind of impolite to prevent someone who is hungry from eating.
LUNCH GUEST: Yeah, but we’re supposed to be having lunch together.
LARRY: Do we have to start at the exact same time? I don’t get that.
—“The Thong” (Season Two, Episode 5)
Having Said That: An expression used to say what one really believes or wants without having to take responsibility for having said it.
LARRY: You say what you really want to say, and then you negate it.
JERRY: “Now having said that”—so what is that? So you win either way?
LARRY: A comedian goes up on stage, “you know, you people are a bunch of morons. Having said that, I’m very happy to be here.”
—“Seinfeld” (Season Seven, Episode 10)
Heaven: A word that some people use—it would seem inaccurately—to describe the mere fact that they’re pleased.
LARRY: Everything is “heaven” with him (Ted). The piece of gum he had, “Oh this is heaven!” Had a taste of a chocolate bar, “I’m in heaven.” A parking space is “heaven.” It’s all “heaven”!
—“Ted and Mary” (Season One, Episode 2)
Hoisted on Your Own Petard: What happens when you change or eliminate a social convention, and then suffer unwanted consequences as a result.
FUNKHOUSER: What about your policy? No introductions.
LARRY: I know, but there are extenuating circumstances.
FUNKHOUSER: No, you said they were a stupid social convention.
LARRY: So I’m hoisted on my own petard?
FUNKHOUSER: Exactly.
—“The Black Swan” (Season Seven, Episode 7)
Homeland: What the vagina is to the penis.
LARRY: Let me tell you something, the penis doesn’t care about race, creed, and color. The penis wants to get to his homeland. It wants to go home.
—“Palestinian Chicken” (Season Eight, Episode 3)
I’m Feeling Weird: Something you should never say, if it’s all you’re going to say, in a voicemail.
LARRY: What kind of message is that to leave at seven-thirty in the morning? He should have just said what he was feeling weird about. Now I have to think about this all day? I hate messages like that. Either just say “call me back,” or tell me why you’re feeling weird.
—“AAMCO” (Season One, Episode 7)
Incomplete Dog: What your dog is if you take it for a walk and don’t bring a bag for its feces.
LARRY: If you’re going to have a dog, you have to have a bag.
WOMAN: I will bring a bag. I didn’t bring a bag today. I’m really sorry.
LARRY: Because the dog without the bag—it’s incomplete. It’s a marriage, the bag and the dog. They go together.
—“The Safe House” (Season Eight, Episode 2)
Integrity: Something you can be certain a man has if he is married to a woman who isn’t very attractive.
LARRY: He’s smart. He’s good looking. He could have anybody. He chose her.
JEFF: That tells you everything you need to know.
LARRY: This guy’s got integrity.
JEFF: I trust him now. I trust him completely.
—“The Car Periscope” (Season Eight, Episode 8)
Interesting: A euphemism used to describe your dubiousness when you hear a story you cannot believe.
LARRY: Hey, Schwimmer? Did you tell the stewardess my seat wasn’t in the upright position?
DAVID SCHWIMMER: . . . No.
LARRY: Hmm, interesting.
—“Opening Night” (Season Four, Episode 10)
Inventor: The meaning of this term is disputed. Larry says he has invented millions of things simply by having ideas for them. Jeff insists that an inventor is someone who implements his ideas: no implementation, no invention.
LARRY: I’m an inventor. I have a million ideas for things. I just don’t know how to implement . . .
JEFF: Okay, you’re an idea man. Go with me on that one. You’re an idea man.
LARRY: I’m an idea man who comes up with inventions.
JEFF: No, there are no inventions in your world.5
—“Car Periscope” (Season Eight, Episode 8)
It Hurts My Neck: A reason a man might give for not performing cunnilingus, when in fact he’s just too lazy.
LARRY: I like it. I’m just too lazy to do it. It’s a whole to-do. It hurts my neck.
—“Krazee-Eyez Killa” (Season Three, Episode 8)
iToilet: “An iPhone application that leads you via your GPS to the nearest acceptable toilet wherever you are in the world”
—“Seinfeld” (Season Seven, Episode 10)
Jane: The name of a hypothetical daughter of God whom Larry could worship without feeling gay.
LARRY: Really? See, I could see worshipping Jesus if he were a girl, like if God had a daughter. Jane, I’ll worship a Jane. But to worship a guy—it’s a little gay, isn’t it?
—“The Christ Nail” (Season Five, Episode 3)
Jerry Seinfeld: “He’s a eunuch. His testicles were cut off when he was about thirteen because he was in the Beth Shalom Choir. And that’s what he wanted to be. He was a choirboy.”
—“The Wire” (Season One, Episode 6)
Jews with Trees: Jewish couples who have Christmas trees.
LARRY: Nothing worse than Jews with trees. Two Jews getting trees? They can’t let them have their holiday. We have to horn in on their holiday.
—“Mary, Joseph, and Larry” (Season Three, Episode 9)
Juicing: The use of erectile dysfunction drugs to win against a lesbian in a competition for the affections of a bisexual woman.
ROSIE: I know like four decades of women that you’ve dated. None of them ever, ever talks about your performance . . . What are you juicing, Larry?
LARRY: I have never taken performance-enhancing drugs, ever. Period. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
—“The Bi-Sexual” (Season Eight, Episode 7)
Kamikaze Pilot: A pilot who actually dies by using his plane as a weapon.
LARRY: I’m curious about how you can be a kamikaze pilot and still be alive.
KEVIN NEALON: There’s a lot of kamikaze pilots that are still alive.
LARRY: You say that, and I say to you they are not kamikaze pilots.
—“Kamikaze Bingo” (Season Five, Episode 4)
Larry David: The minute I laid eyes him, I said, “This guy is a disaster.” He’s a storm. He’s like a storm that will destroy everything in its path. I mean, he’s got this gift. Everything he touches, he dooms. He’s a little cyclone, a little tornado . . . (Mel Brooks talking about Larry David)
—“Opening Night” (Season Four, Episode 10)
Larry David and the Hipsters: A Jewish folk band, best known for “The Gefilte Fish Blues” and “My Freakin’ Back is Killin’ Me and It’s Making It Hard to Kvell.”
CHERYL: What was the name of your band?
LARRY: The Hipsters . . . Larry David and The Hipsters. And then I left The Hipsters and I just became Larry David.
—“The Ski Lift” (Season Five, Episode 8)
Lefty Unhooker: A person who can only remove a woman’s bra with his or her left hand. Some speculate that this may be a product of one’s formative experiences with bra removal.
LARRY: In terms of unhooking bras, I’m really going to be in trouble. Look at this.
JEFF: Why don’t you use your right hand?
LARRY: I’m a lefty unhooker. Can’t unhook righty. It’s from the car, I think. When you park. You’re making out in the driver’s seat. You lean over—it’s your left hand that’s doing the unhooking.
—“The Hot Towel” (Season Seven, Episode 4)
Lesbian Advantage: The advantage that lesbians have over men in the attempt sexually to satisfy bisexual women. “We don’t know what we’re doing as much as women know. It’s their equipment. They own the equipment” (“The Bowtie,” Season Five, Episode 2).
LARRY: Come on, it’s over. She’s taking her to the Tony’s. And let’s face it: she’s got the lesbian advantage.
—“The Bi-Sexual” (Season Eight, Episode 7)
Level the Playing Field: When you set up a blind man with a woman who wears a burka. He no longer has to cope with the injustice of not knowing what his date looks like while sighted people do.
LARRY: It’s quite amazing when you think about it. Nobody knows what she looks like. Everybody is in the same boat as you.
MICHAEL: You have leveled the playing field for me, Larry.
—“The Blind Date” (Season Four, Episode 3)
Lingerer: A person who overstays his welcome when you invite him over for dinner.
LARRY: No, we go out. That way we can get rid of him.
CHERYL: Is he a talker?
LARRY: He’s a lingerer.
—“The Group” (Season One, Episode 10)
Liquids Only Rule: An unwritten rule that says you can take liquids, but not food, from someone else’s refrigerator without asking for permission.
FUNKHOUSER: What was that whole thing?
LARRY: He goes in my refrigerator? Come on, you don’t do that.
FUNKHOUSER: What did he take?
LARRY: Lemonade.
FUNKHOUSER: Liquids are okay . . . You know, I don’t mind if you take liquid, but when you take regular food, I have a problem.
—“Funkhouser’s Crazy Sister” (Season Seven, Episode 1)
Loss and Responsibility: A puzzle. If you lose something and I find it, but then I lose it again, do I owe you what I lost? Or am I free of any responsibility, since you’re no better or worse off than you were before?
DAVID SCHWIMMER: Well, you owe me a watch.
LARRY: What, are you nuts? You didn’t even have a watch to begin with, so you’re in the same position you were. There’s no change.
DAVID SCHIMMER: It’s a little different. You had my watch—you had possession of my watch—and now you don’t.
MEL BROOKS: He’s right. The watch was lost. So it continues to be lost!
—“Opening Night” (Season Four, Episode 10)
Love: A necessary condition for a woman to be willing to have sex with a man.
LEWIS: We’re men, and men need it more.
LARRY: No, it’s not about that. It’s because they are so offended by our genitalia that they have to be in love with us to have it. That’s why we can have sex with anyone and they can’t.
—“The Bracelet” (Season One, Episode 4)
Magician: Something one is by nature thanks to an inborn potential that other magicians recognize and cultivate. If this weren’t true, it’s not clear how there could be any magicians, since magicians cannot teach magic tricks to non-magicians and all magic tricks are learned from magicians.
LARRY: You didn’t know that trick before the magician taught it to you, right?
STEWART: Yeah.
LARRY: So why did the magician tell you?
STEWART: He can tell that I am a magician.
LARRY: Well, you can tell that I’m a magician.
STEWART: But I’m a magician, just naturally a magician.
—“The Blind Date” (Season Four, Episode 3)
Man-Baby/Man-Child: What you are if you refuse to leave the back-seat of a car in order to fill a vacated passenger seat upfront.
LARRY: We could have been there already. Oh, you can’t drive with someone in the backseat!
BEN STILLER: You’re such a baby. You’re a grown man baby.
LARRY: Are you saying I’m a man-child?
—“Ben’s Birthday Party” (Season Four, Episode 2)
Married People’s Club: The married people of the world, all or most of whom are drawn together by a common misery.
LARRY: Well, welcome back to the married people’s club.
JEFF: Oh, we’re all so happy.
—“The Nanny From Hell” (Season Three, Episode 4)
Medium Talk: An alternative to small talk that involves discussions about the health of one’s marriage and the quality of one’s sex life.
HANK: I don’t even know how to write cursive anymore.
LARRY: So how’s your marriage?
HANK: What the hell? Why would you ask me that?
LARRY: I’m trying to elevate small talk to medium talk.
—“The Hero” (Season Eight, Episode 6)
Meeting: A puzzle. If we meet but don’t discuss the agreed upon agenda, have we met? Or do we not meet until we have the meeting we agreed to have?
JASON ALEXANDER: Let’s have that meeting.
LARRY: We’re having that meeting right now.
JASON ALEXANDER: This isn’t a meeting about the show. This is a meeting about having a meeting.
LARRY: I know, but the intention is the same. Don’t you understand?6
—“Thor” (Season Two, Episode 2)
Misrepresentation: What a bald man does when he hides his baldness with a hat. This is strictly prohibited by the bald code.
LARRY: They’ll meet a girl or something, and they’ll show up on a date. What are they gonna do? Are they going to take the hat off?
PHIL DUNLAP: Then the girl is going to be like, “I didn’t know you were bald.”
LARRY: “You misrepresented yourself! You’re a liar.”
—“The Corpse-Sniffing Dog” (Season Three, Episode 7)
Mopey-Dick: A man who is too depressed from a breakup to get out of bed.
LEON: Who the fuck is Moby-Dick?
JEFF: Moby-Dick is the book, by Melville.
LEON: Mopey-dick, man. His dick is moping.
JEFF: Oh, literally mopey-dick?
—“The Bat Mitzvah” (Season Six, Episode 10)
Munch and Pee: Something you claim to do when you don’t trust the person who offers to hold your popcorn while you use the bathroom before a movie.
GABBY: You’re going to take your popcorn to the bathroom? That’s disgusting. Don’t leave your popcorn in the bathroom with the people and the skeevatz . . .
LARRY: No, no, I hold onto it! I munch and pee.
—“Car Periscope” (Season Eight, Episode 8)
Names by Association: A method for organizing your cell phone contacts.
LARRY: I don’t know her last name. She was in my blackberry under Denise Handicap. That’s how I remember these names. Don’t you do that in your Blackberry? You put names down with jobs, some association so you remember who they are.
—“Denise Handicap” (Season Seven, Episode 5)
Nice Business: Living the kind of life in which you at least occasionally do nice things.
LARRY: I did once try and stop a woman who was about to get hit by a car. I screamed, “Watch out!” And she said, “Don’t tell me what to do! I tried to save her life and she screamed at me. . . . I got out of the nice business at that point.”
—“The Wire” (Season One, Episode 6)
Niceness: A matter of doing, and not just intending—it’s the act that counts, not the thought.
LARRY: I always think of nice things, but I never act on them. What is that?
JEFF: It’s like you with inventions. You think of inventions. You never do the inventions.
LARRY: I don’t implement. I could do it right now. By God, I’m going to go into that room and do it. I am going to do something nice. Right now!
—“The Car Periscope” (Season Eight, Episode 8)
No Gifts: Something people say without meaning when they are having a party for themselves. It actually means, “bring a gift or be condemned for failing to.”
CHERYL: I thought you said we weren’t supposed to bring a present.
LARRY: He said, “No gifts.” . . .
LARRY: Did you guys bring a gift to this thing? He said, “No gifts.”
Susie: Nobody means that. You took that seriously?
—“Ben’s Birthday” (Season Four, Episode 2)
Norwegian: Someone who is nothing like a Swede, all appearances to the contrary.
SVEN: I don’t look Swedish, do I? It’s a big difference.
LARRY: Apparently. What’s the difference, may I ask?
SVEN: Culture, looks, names, history, food, dancing.
LARRY: Are Swedes touchy if you refer to them as Norwegians?
SVEN: Why don’t you ask a Swede?
—“The 5 Wood” (Season Four, Episode 5)
Numb Vagina: The consequence of a man wearing an “everlast” condom inside out while having sex with a woman.
JEFF: They’re designed to go the other way, and then you last and you last.
LARRY: Have you ever heard of this before, the numb vagina?
JEFF: We’ve got bigger problems than a numb vagina.
—“Wandering Bear” (Season Four, Episode 8)
One-Line Idea: Using one line in a busy store to make sure everyone is served no earlier and no later than when it is his turn.
LARRY: You have a line problem in this store. The lines move completely disproportionately. You know, there’s a way to fix that, too. Like they do in Disneyland—you know how the line snakes around? Go into a deli, you take a number. So it’s fair, that’s all—’cause you probably don’t add up stuff at the same rate. But there’s a way to solve it: one line. It’s not a crazy idea. They wouldn’t have stoned me back a thousand years ago for bringing up the one line idea, because one line everybody feels good. They don’t feel they’re being cheated.
—“The Ida Funkhouser Roadside Memorial” (Season Six, Episode 3)
Our Money: If you don’t work and your spouse’s salary is your sole source of income, “our money” is something you can say only for the sake of discussion.
LARRY: Well, you can call it “our money,” but just for the sake of discussion. He’s the one who goes to work and earns the money. You don’t work . . .
SUSAN BRAUDY: It’s not about where it’s coming from. It’s about what it becomes.
LARRY: No, it’s completely about where it’s coming from.
—“The Corpse-Sniffing Dog” (Season Three, Episode 7)
Outfit Approval: Something a man must get from his wife or girlfriend before she will agree to go to a social function with him.
LARRY: Do you believe my wife made me change clothes before I came here tonight? She didn’t like my outfit. I didn’t get outfit approval tonight.
—“The Acupuncturist” (Season Two, Episode 6)
Pants Tent: The appearance of an erection caused by excess material in the crotch area of men’s pants.
LARRY: I have never seen a bunch up like this in my life. This is like a five-inch bunch up I got here.
CHERYL: Well, you don’t have to play with it.
LARRY: Is it a bad thing? Maybe it’s not such a bad thing.
CHERYL: Oh, because you want people to think that you constantly have an erection?
—“The Pants Tent” (Season One, Episode 1)
Parkinson’s Shake: For Michael J. Fox and his friends, a Parkinson’s Shake is an involuntary shaking of the hand or head caused by Parkinson’s disease. For Larry, however, a Parkinson’s Shake is always deliberate and intended to cause harm, either by expressing disapproval or by causing a soda to explode, and whose nefariousness is concealed by a dishonest appeal to Parkinson’s as the cause.
MICHAEL J. FOX: hands Larry a soda while shaking it.
LARRY: (Larry opens soda) Oh, Jesus Christ! What the Hell? Did you shake that up on purpose?
MICHAEL J. FOX: Parkinson’s.
—“Larry vs. Michael J. Fox” (Season Eight, Episode 10)
Patient-Hygienist Confidentiality: An unwritten rule that says it is unethical for a dental hygienist to share her patient’s dental health with other people.
LARRY: First of all, number one I don’t have any plaque. . . . Number two, she shouldn’t be talking about it, that’s a breach of patient-hygienist confidentiality.
—“The Weatherman” (Season Four, Episode 4)
Pause Toast: The act of taking toast out of the toaster before it is fully toasted, with the intention of finishing the toasting process at a later time. Whether this can be done is disputed.
LARRY: You don’t have to start all over again. You pick up where you left off.
LEON: You can’t pause toast.
LARRY: You can pause toast.
LEON: If this toast goes back in that machine, it’s going to lose its essence, Larry.
—“The Rat Dog” (Season Six, Episode 6)
Peeing Sitting Down: A rational alternative to peeing standing up.
LARRY: It’s more comfortable. When you get up at night you don’t have to turn the light on and wake up. And you get to read.
JEFF: What are you reading?
LARRY: . . . Hey, buddy, when you’re peeing all over your shoe, I’m learning something.
—“The Weatherman” (Season Four, Episode 4)
Pee Privacy: Something that some men want (i.e. both freedom from being spied on by other men and protection from other men’s urine) but only enjoy if there are splash guards between urinals in public bathrooms.
LARRY: How come there’s no partitions in the bathroom between the urinals?
TED DANSON: I don’t know. I thought we were going to have that.
LARRY: We want a little pee privacy, do we not?
—“The Corpse-Sniffing Dog” (Season Three, Episode 7)
Personal Reasons: Something you can say when it’s true, but also when it’s not and you don’t want to provide a real reason.
LARRY: The caterer cancelled? How come?
CHERYL: Personal reasons.
LARRY: “Personal reasons”? You can get away with anything if you say that. Nobody has to explain themselves. You just have to say, “It’s personal.”
—“AAMCO” (Season One, Episode 7)
Pig-Parker: A person who takes up more than one parking space in a parking lot and thereby causes a “domino effect.”
LARRY: You’re a foot over the line. You’re taking up two spaces, and the next car is also going to be taking up two spaces. Then you’re going to leave, and then that car is going to get blamed. This is chaos. Society can’t function like this . . .
MAN: Why don’t you stay between the lines of your own goddamn business? Why don’t you stay confined within the lines of not being an asshole? ‘Cause you’re way over that line.
LARRY: The only person who is the asshole here is the “pig-parker.”
—“Vow of Silence” (Season Eight, Episode 5)
Plan vs. Confirmation: Larry insists that plans don’t require confirmation. Why make plans if you don’t intend to keep them? Lewis disagrees: plans aren’t set unless they are confirmed.
LEWIS: Well, I will need a confirmation.
LARRY: You’re not getting a confirmation. This is the confirmation right now. . . . You’re like some kind of government bureaucracy. You’ve got the plan. You’ve got the confirmation. You’ve got a subcommittee. I gotta go through all these levels.
—“Vow of Silence” (Season Eight, Episode 5)
Pointless and Unnecessary Social Convention: The practice of introducing one friend from one part of your life to a group of friends in another part of your life, e.g. while sitting at a restaurant or attending a social function, even though there’s virtually no chance they will ever see each other again.
FUNKHOUSER: Why didn’t you introduce us?
LARRY: He’s from New York. You’re never going to see him again for the rest of your life.
FUNKHOUSER: It’s the courteous thing to do. . . .
LARRY: He has to know your name and shake your hand? It’s a pointless and unnecessary social convention to introduce every single person you know.
—“The Black Swan” (Season Seven, Episode 7)
Pop-In Apology: The kind of apology you give to a deaf person.
LARRY: You want me to come by and make a special trip? I wouldn’t think she would want that. I would think they want to be treated like everybody else.
HAL: What do you mean, “they”?
LARRY: Well, deaf people, because they’re the only ones who need a special pop-in apology. Every other kind of handicapped person you can apologize to on the phone. Deaf people require that you go to their house.
—“The Rat Dog” (Season Six, Episode 6)
Pop-In/Pop-Out: The sudden and uncontrolled appearance or disappearance of a person in one’s masturbation fantasy.
JEFF: You can’t control who pops in. She (Cheryl) pops in.
LARRY: She pops in? Why didn’t you pop her out?
JEFF: I tried popping her out. She wouldn’t pop out.
LARRY: What, she insisted on staying? . . . What the hell are you using my wife for?
JEFF: I thought you’d be flattered?
LARRY: Flattered? I’m fucking nauseous!
—“The Blind Date” (Season Four, Episode 3)
Porn Baby: A young boy with an unusually large penis.
LEWIS: Who’s that?
LARRY: That’s the kid.
LEWIS: That’s the porn baby?
LARRY: That’s the porn baby.
—“The Nanny from Hell” (Season Three, Episode 4)
Proclivity for Fat People: Favoritism for fat people.
LARRY: Like you wouldn’t hire a fat guy? You don’t have a proclivity for fat people? I think you got a strong proclivity for fat people. If a fat guy came in, you wouldn’t want to hire him? You would have been all over that fat guy!
—“Grand Opening” (Season Three, Episode 10)
Protesting Math: The refusal to include an additional tip at a restaurant where there is a built-in eighteen percent gratuity, because it requires math.
LARRY: Don’t make me do math at the table.
WAITER: So you’re protesting math?
LARRY: I’m protesting math.
—“The Black Swan” (Season Seven, Episode 7)
Pussy/Nice Confusion: An error in judgment that occurs when we mistake nice people for “pussies.” They appear weak, but that’s only because they are nice.
CHERYL: People come to you with their hand out, you can’t say no?
LARRY: I have trouble saying no.
CHERYL: You know why? Because you’re a pussy.
LARRY: Maybe I’m nice. You have nice/pussy confusion. Maybe I’m just nice.
—“The Acupuncturist” (Season Two, Episode 6)
Pussy On Layaway: Paying for a prostitute’s services, even simply to use the carpool lane, the day after those services were rendered.
LARRY: I don’t quite have enough cash to pay you tonight. But you know I’m totally good. I’ll pay you tomorrow. I’ll come to your house—
MONINA: Tomorrow? This ain’t motherfucking pussy on layaway.
—“The Carpool Lane” (Season Four, Episode 6)
Red Snapper: A woman’s vagina, which may or may not be able to talk.
LARRY: I drove a cab, used to drive around for two hours. I couldn’t get a fare. You’re telling me you’re getting four blowjobs in an hour?
MONINA: Yes, honey, you done picked up the best. Honey, I got a red snapper that talks to you.
LARRY: You know what it’s saying? I’m charging way too much.
—“The Carpool Lane” (Season Four, Episode 6)
Republican: A kind of woman with whom Larry cannot have sex.
LARRY: You’ve got a picture of Bush in your dressing room? You’re a Republican?
CADY HUFFMAN: Yes, Larry, I’m a Republican . . .
JEFF: What the fuck were you thinking? A picture of Bush, who gives a flying fuck?
—“Opening Night” (Season Four, Episode 10)
Richard Lewis: “A babbling brook of bullshit!” (“The Bracelet,” Season One, Episode 4).
Rivalry: A metaphor for understanding the relationship between a husband and a wife.
LARRY: You got yourself a partner! I got a wife. Not exactly a partner. More like a, uh, a rival. You know what I mean? It’s a rivalry.
—“Mel’s Offer” (Season Four, Episode 1)
Run an Ass into the Ground: Leon’s description of a man who divorces a woman after she’s no longer in her prime.
FUNKHOUSER: I’m excited. I’m single.
LEON: Get out there and get some new ass, you know what I’m sayin’? You ran that other ass into the ground, right?
FUNKHOUSER: I don’t want to talk about my wife like that.
LEON: You ran that ass into the ground, and you’re moving on, right?
—“The Divorce” (Season Eight, Episode 1)
Sampling Privilege: The socially acceptable number of samples one can try (no more than one or two) while other customers are waiting behind you.
LARRY: Don’t abuse your sampling privilege. She abused the sampling privilege. And you know what else? I was watching out for the counter woman as well.
CHERYL: If she had a problem with that woman, don’t you think she might say, “excuse me, ma’am”—
LARRY: No, because she’s always told the customer is right. And in fact, the customer is usually a moron and an asshole.
—“Ida Funkhouser Roadside Memorial” (Season Six, Episode 3)
Schmohawk: A bad driver.
LARRY: You know what my father used to call those people? Schmohawks. Did I ever tell you that?
CHERYL: Yeah.
LARRY: Did I mention schmohawks to you? Schmohawk. “Hey, schmohawk!” He used to yell that out all the time.
—“Meet the Blacks” (Season Six, Episode 1)
Scrotum-Kabob: The end result of serving kabobs at a dinner party without arranging for a place to dispose of used skewers.
LARRY: I don’t like a kabob. I don’t know what your feelings are about a kabob, but I’m not a kabob guy. You’ve got this stick—what do you do? What, do you put it in your pocket? You could stick yourself in the scrotum. Then what do you got? A scrotum-kabob.
—“Ben’s Birthday” (Season Four, Episode 2)
Sex for Platonic Friends: The playful touching that friends engage in because they can’t have sex with each other but would like to, and so need some sort of substitute.
LARRY: The flirtatious tap . . . that’s like sex for platonic friends, because they can’t touch each other. It’s forbidden, so they’re allowed to go like that.”
—“The Anonymous Donor” (Season Six, Episode 2)
Sexual Blackmail: The use of private sexual information, such as a partner’s preferences or fantasies, as leverage in a divorce.
JEFF: Like sexual . . . There are certain sexual things that I like and I don’t want Susie yammering about what they are.
LARRY: This is sexual blackmail.
—“Thor” (Season Two, Episode 2)
Shit Bow: An insincere bow that is dismissive and expresses disrespect.
LARRY: The other night a Japanese fellow apologized to me, but he only went down a few degrees, kind of like that (Larry performs a shallow bow).
JAPANESE MAN IN PARK: Oh, that is not apology to you. No, he was not sorry at all.
LARRY: He wasn’t sorry?
JAPANESE MAN IN PARK: No, he a little, uh, dismissive of you.
LARRY: Dismissive? I got a dismissive bow?
Japanese man in park: Yes, a little bit, “shit bow.”
—“The Bi-Sexual” (Season Eight, Episode 7)
Shit Where You Eat: The act of dating a woman casually, with no intention of the relationship ending well, when the woman works in any capacity at your favorite restaurant. This can only lead to eating what you have shat.
LARRY: I say that I will eat here again.
LEWIS: Oh, really?
LARRY: Yes, I will be the Edmund Hillary of shitting where you eat.
—“The Smiley Face” (Season Eight, Episode 4)
Shoe-Whore: A shoe salesman who accepts a commission, even though he didn’t sell any shoes.
LARRY: How much is the commission? I’ll pay you the commission.
SHOE SALESMAN: That is so insulting. How dare you? I am not a shoe-whore.
—“Ted and Marry” (Season One, Episode 2)
Shy/Asshole Confusion: An error in judgment that occurs when we mistake shy people for assholes. They seem rude and judgmental, but they’re just shy.
LARRY: I don’t know why you call him an asshole. He’s not an asshole. He’s just shy.
CHERYL: He’s not shy. He thinks he’s smarter than everybody else. And he sits there and he judges and—
LARRY: No, he doesn’t. He’s just shy. You’ve got shy/asshole confusion.
—“The Acupuncturist” (Season Two, Episode 6)
Siamese Twins: White fish and sable.
TED DANSON: You have two fishes in the sandwich?
LARRY: But they blend very well together. They’re like Siamese twins, white fish and sable.
—“The Larry David Sandwich” (Season Five, Episode 1)
Sick Sex: The sexual desire aroused by the experience of caring for someone who is sick, or by the experience of being cared for while you are sick.
LARRY: Cheryl was in bed. She had a little temperature, but there was something about it that kind of turned me on. She’s sick. She’s helpless.
JEFF: I understand. I like it the reverse, when I’m sick.
LARRY: I like it either way. I guess I just like sick sex.
—“The Rat Dog” (Season Six, Episode 6)
Single Life in Eternity: A future for married individuals that seems to be implied by the language used in ordinary wedding vows, which ask people to promise their love for each other until death, whereupon they part.
LARRY: (responding to Cheryl’s unconventional wedding vows) I guess I had a different plan for eternity. I thought I’d be single, I guess.
CHERYL: I’m sorry. I’m interrupting your single life in eternity?
LARRY: No, I just didn’t realize that this relationship carried over after death.
—“The Survivor” (Season Four, Episode 9)
Sin of Omission: A bad thing you “do” by not doing something. It’s a failure to do what you are supposed to do.
LARRY: It’s not like I did it on purpose. The thought just didn’t even enter my mind. It’s not like it entered my mind and I thought, “no, the hell with them.” See the difference? Sin of commission/omission. That’s a sin of omission, much better than the commission.
—“Ida Funkhouser Roadside Memorial” (Season Six, Episode 3)
Slightly Gay: Some people are gay but don’t appear to be; some people are gay and it’s obvious that they are; others are gay and they sort of appear to be—these people are slightly gay, according to Larry.
LARRY: Well, you (Sam) seem slightly gay, and you (Dr. Schaffer) don’t. So, I wouldn’t be surprised if somebody told me that he (Sam) was gay, but I’m a little surprised when somebody tells me that you’re gay. It’s no big deal, you know? Is that a crime?
DR. SCHAFFER: No, it’s not a crime. It’s just odd and a little bit offensive.
LARRY: I’m sorry if you’re offended. I don’t think I said anything offensive.
—“Funkhouser’s Crazy Sister” (Season Seven, Episode 1)
Smiley Face: An objectionable and unnecessary adornment that some people add to their text messages.
LARRY: I told her about the smiley faces. I can’t stand it. And everybody uses them!
JEFF: I don’t understand.
LARRY: What are they going to be in newspapers soon? The New York Times headline, “Unemployment Drops.”
—“The Smiley Face” (Season Eight, Episode 4)
Snack and Apologize: An act whose moral value is disputed. Some say an apology cannot be sincere if a person offers it while snacking. Others argue that snacking in no way impacts the apology’s sincerity.
YOSHI: There’s no pistachio crunching and apologizing.
LARRY: I respectfully disagree. I’ve snacked and apologized many times in the past, and everyone has always accepted it quite graciously.
YOSHI: Well, that may be the way you do things in your family, but we don’t snack and apologize—
LARRY: What, is that a Japanese thing?
YOSHI: No, that’s a human thing.
—“Kamikaze Bingo” (Season Five, Episode 4)
Social Assassin: A person you hire, either for pay or via extortion, to say or do what you don’t have the courage or the ability to say or do yourself. You hire a social assassin when you feel a brutally honest message must be delivered but you don’t want to take responsibility for your friend’s or family member’s hurt feelings.
LARRY: He said he’d forget about the money for the car, which is $573, if I tell her to stop saying “lol.”
JEFF: You know, in most countries you could get somebody killed for $573.
LARRY: I know. By the way, I was this close to telling her the other night.
JEFF: You know what you are? You’re a social assassin.
—“Palestinian Chicken” (Season Eight, Episode 3)
Sorry Window: The period of time after a tragedy, such as the loss of a family member, when it’s reasonable to expect other people to say they are sorry for your loss.
LARRY: With all due respect, don’t you think the sorry window has closed on that?
HEIDI: The sorry window? I didn’t know there was a sorry window.
LARRY: Two years and you’re still getting “sorry’s”? I don’t think so. That’s a long time for “sorry’s.” That’s like saying “Happy New Year” in October.
—“The Smiley Face” (Season Eight, Episode 4)
Sources: Causes of erections.
LARRY: I know the source. I can name sources. Sophia Loren was once a source. I know my sources. Sometimes they’re mysterious sources, and I don’t know where it comes from. Other times I can pinpoint it.
—“Pants Tent” (Season One, Episode 1)
Stop and Chat: The practice of stopping and having a pointless conversation when simply saying hello, or even just waiving, would be just as good.
LARRY: He wanted to do a stop and chat. I didn’t want to do a stop and chat.
JEFF: Stop and chat. Where do you come up with these things? Stop and chat.
—“The Massage” (Season Two, Episode 10)
Suicide Call: The person you call when you’re thinking about committing suicide.
LARRY: Wait, she’s going to commit suicide and she calls you?
LEWIS: A lot of people call me who are suicidal.
LARRY: I don’t think you’d be my suicide call.
—“The Safe House” (Season Eight, Episode 2)
Surrogate Etiquette: The unwritten rules governing how one is supposed to treat a surrogate mother at a baby shower.
CHERYL: The shower is for Betty.
LARRY: So she’s going to be opening her presents, and the surrogate is going to be standing there like an idiot and she has nothing to open? The whole thing is—What’s the surrogate etiquette?
—“The Surrogate” (Season Four, Episode 7)
Survivor: An ambiguous term, referring either to a person who survived the Holocaust, or to a person who was a participant on the reality television show, Survivor.
SOLLY: You know nothing about survival. I’m a survivor!
COLBY: I’m a survivor!
SOLLY: I’m a survivor!
COLBY: I’m a survivor!
—“The Survivor” (Season Four, Episode 9)
Sweded: To be tricked by a Swedish lawyer whose scam is to convince you he is Jewish, because he knows you believe the stereotype that Jewish lawyers are the best.
LARRY: I got Sweded. . . . So did you know Berg was a Swede? . . . He’s so devious.
—“The Divorce” (Season Eight, Episode 1)
Switzerland: Have you heard of Switzerland? It’s a country in Europe and they don’t like to fight. They let everybody do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate.
—“The Doll” (Season Two, Episode 7)
Take a Pop: A way for a Christian Scientist to take medication without betraying her faith. If she just pops it in, it’s okay!
DEBORAH: (Lewis’s Christian Scientist girlfriend) I don’t take medication.
LARRY: Just pop it in.
DEBORAH: Pop it in? That’s a betrayal of my faith. . . .
LARRY: No one’s watching, pop! Take a pop!
—“The Benadryl Brownie” (Season Three, Episode 2)
Talk Lefty: Talking on the phone using the ear you aren’t accustomed to using for phone calls. Some people cannot do this.
LARRY: You want me to talk lefty?
DR. SCHAFFER: Yeah, just talk lefty.
LARRY: I have a hard time talking lefty on the phone. Everything comes out wrong. It’s like throwing lefty—I can’t do it. I’m not myself. I feel different, strange, like I’m not me. I’m not comfortable talking lefty.
—“The Lefty Call” (Season Six, Episode 4)
Tap Me on the Shoulder: All a woman has to do when she wants sex with her husband or boyfriend, because he wants it all of the time.
LARRY: Just assume that I want it all the time, so whenever you want it, just tap me on the shoulder. Otherwise I’ll be making moves all the time. Do you want that? Do you want somebody just mauling you all the time?
—“The Group” (Season One, Episode 10)
Tapped Out: A man’s inability to have sex immediately after masturbating.
CHERYL: Why can’t you do it tonight? Remember, the other night, you said all I have to do is tap you on the shoulder and you’re ready.
LARRY: I’m kind of tapped out.
—“The Group” (Season One, Episode 10)
Tennis Grunt: A sound that some tennis players make as they hit the ball.
LARRY: You grunt on every shot. Every shot you hit you, “Uhhh!” “Uhhh.” You make this disgusting noise. You don’t hear it?
CHERYL: No.
LARRY: . . . It sounds like pigs fucking.
—“Club Soda and Salt” (Season Three, Episode 3)
The Technique to Firing: You act as if it is not bad news.
LARRY: There’s a technique to firing. . . . Bad news has to be delivered in a casual way, like it’s not bad news. If you deliver bad news like it’s bad news, it’s going to be bad news. If you deliver bad news like it’s not a big deal, then it’s not a big deal.
—“Denise Handicap” (Season Seven, Episode 5)
Titmouse: What a man calls a mouse when he is obsessed with women’s breasts.
CHERYL: Why do you call it a titmouse?
LARRY: Because that’s what you call it.
CHERYL: Who calls it that?
LARRY: A lot of people call it that.
CHERYL: Oh, my God. You’re obsessed with tits.
—“Ben’s Birthday Party” (Season Four, Episode 2)
Tongue Sign: An ambiguous movement of the tongue that can indicate an interest in sex or a mouth full of cotton.
LARRY: Get together? You and me? Really?
DALILAH THE HYGIENIST: Am I being too forward? Because when you were at the office, you gave me the tongue sign.
LARRY: Tongue sign? I was just really trying to get cotton out my mouth.
—“The 5 Wood” (Season Four, Episode 5)
Too Saucy: The explanation you can, but perhaps shouldn’t, give to a professional cook when you don’t like his cooking.
JOSH: What was wrong with it?
LARRY: A little saucy. A little too saucy.
JOSH: “Saucy”?
LARRY: Yeah, kind of saucy.
JOSH: Was there anything else?
LARRY: Meh, not really.
—“Club Soda and Salt” (Season Three, Episode 3)
Topsy-Turvy: A strategy for turning the tables on an interviewer during an interview.
LARRY: You flip it. Now he’s trying to impress you.
LEON: Turn that shit around on him.
LARRY: Turn it around on him.
LEON: Topsy-turvy that motherfucker.
LARRY: Yeah, yeah, yeah!
—“The Rat Dog” (Season Six, Episode 6)
Toupe-People: Bald men who hide their baldness with toupées.
LARRY: I’m surprised Hitler didn’t round up the toupée-people. If I’m going to be a sick megalomaniac, to round up people who I hated, they would be on my list.
—“The Corpse-Sniffing Dog” (Season Three, Episode 7)
The Ultimate form of Consolation: Sex.
CHERYL: What are you doing?
LARRY: What?
CHERYL: You’re turning consolation into sex?
LARRY: Well, that’s the ultimate form of consolation.
—“Lewis Needs a Kidney” (Season Five, Episode 5)
Unwritten Law of Dry Cleaning: “Sometimes you get home and you have something that isn’t yours, and sometimes something of yours gets taken. That’s just the unwritten law of dry cleaning.
—“The Anonymous Donor” (Season Six, Episode 2)
Unwritten Rules: The set of rules governing society that we know but typically don’t know that we know. They aren’t written down, and they often go unrecognized until someone points them out. These rules govern how much caviar one takes at a dinner party, how many kinds of ice cream one can sample at an ice cream shop while others are waiting, where the sign-in sheet belongs in the doctor’s office, and much more.
LARRY: She was breaking the rules. She wasn’t following the rules of society.
CHERYL: (exasperated): What rules?
LARRY: The unwritten rules that we have as we go about our day.
—“Ida Funkhouser Roadside Memorial” (Season Six, Episode 3)
Upstream: The act of walking up the street, against traffic, to get in front of another person who is also waiting for a cab.
LARRY: Hey! Hey! What are you doing? I’m standing here. I was here first.
WOMAN GETTING INTO CAB: I don’t care. I’m getting the cab.
LARRY: What, you’re upstreaming me?
WOMAN GETTING INTO CAB: Everybody upstreams, you idiot. You don’t stand there like a jackass.
LARRY: That’s anarchy! We need some rules!
—“Car Periscope,” Season Eight, Episode 8
Vanilla Bullshit Cappa-Thing: A café latte.
LARRY: And I’ll have a vanilla . . . one of the vanilla bullshit things . . . some vanilla bullshit cappa-thing. Whatever you got. I don’t care.
—“Shaq” (Season Two, Episode 8)
Verbal Texting: Speaking as if you were writing a text message on a cell phone.
LARRY: If you were going to laugh out loud, why aren’t you laughing out loud? Why say it? Why not just laugh?
ILENE: I am laughing. That’s what that is. It’s me—that’s laughing.
LARRY: No, you’re saying, “L-o-l,” you’re verbal texting.
—“Palestinian Chicken” (Season Eight, Episode 3)
Waiter: Someone who waits an unreasonable amount of time for food at a restaurant, and then resorts to serving himself.
WAITER: Where did this food come from?
LARRY: I brought it here.
WAITER: Do you understand, I am the waiter.
LARRY: Yet we were the ones who were doing the waiting, so we became the waiters.
—“The Hero” (Season Eight, Episode 6)
Wait for Dessert Rule: An unwritten rule that says you cannot leave a party until after dessert has been served.
FUNKHOUSER: You left my party before dessert. How can you do that? It’s not proper etiquette.
LARRY: I don’t subscribe to the wait for dessert rule.
—“The Bowtie” (Season Five, Episode 2)
Wear an Outfit Till Its Completion: Leaving formal clothes on after you have left the funeral or wedding that required them.
JEFF: Why are you still wearing the tie? You don’t have to wear it anymore. If I didn’t have to I wouldn’t.
LARRY: Well, as long as you’ve got the outfit on, you might as well just wear it till its completion. Maintain the outfit.
—“Beloved Aunt” (Season One, Episode 8)
Whisper Lunch: The type of lunch you have in a restaurant where the table placement forces you to share your space with strangers.
LARRY: I can’t even talk. I can’t say anything in here.
LEWIS: Direct it right to me.
LARRY: You gotta have a whole whisper lunch. It’s a whisper lunch.
—“The Nanny from Hell” (Season Three, Episode 4)
Wrong Person: The person who is thought to have revealed another person’s secret, when in fact it was someone else. Sadly, these situations end badly for the “wrong person,” while the “right person” gets away with betraying his friend’s trust.
LARRY: I think you need to tell him who you heard it from, otherwise he could think the wrong person told you, and that would be bad.
WANDA: Bad for who?
LARRY: For that wrong person.
WANDA: Larry, I don’t give a fuck about the “wrong person.” This doesn’t make any sense—
—“Krazee-Eyez Killa” (Season Three, Episode 8)
Yarmulke Alert: The panic that precipitates when a devout Jewish man’s yarmulke falls onto the floor.
LARRY: Hey! You dropped your yarmulke! Oh my God! Yarmulke alert! Oh! Sirens. Yarmulke on the floor!
—“Palestinian Chicken” (Season Eight, Episode 3)
Yelling for Society: Living as Larry does: making a point of informing people when they’ve violated an unwritten rule, questioning why things are done the way they are, offering suggestions for how things might be done differently…
LARRY: I’m yelling for society, for everybody! It’s not just me!
—“The Safe House” (Season Eight, Episode 2)
You’re Not Happy: Something you can say when you want to break up with someone whose family member just passed away. The amount of time you have to wait before you can say this varies depending on which family member died.
LARRY: If it was her mother, I’d say you have to go back on the plane and wait maybe six days, a week. For an aunt? For an aunt who doesn’t even live where you live whom you don’t see that often, I think you could do it when you get home.
CRAIG: What should I say?
LARRY: Just tell her you’re not happy. That’s very good, that works.
—“Beloved Aunt” (Season One, Episode 8)7
1 “Cool-de-la” may be restricted to friendships between men, since Monina rejects it as a description of her relationship with Larry: “What is this cool-de-la shit?” (“The Carpool Lane,” Season Four, Episode 6). On the other hand, Monina seems to object most to Larry’s failure to pay his bill and attempt to be hip.
2 In “The Car Salesman” (Season Two, Episode 1), Larry qualifies the cut-off rule with respect to making phone calls at night: “You get like an hour dispensation for good news!”
3 In “The Acupuncturist” (Season Two, Episode 6) Larry accuses his lawyer and anyone else who enjoys casual Fridays in the business world of “encroaching” on his territory. If you work in the business world, you should dress like a business person, not like Larry.
4 This same issue comes up in “Beloved Aunt” (Season One, Episode 8) when Larry gives Jeff’s mom a pair of sunglasses, but she refuses them because she thinks he intentionally “touched her bosom.” There’s a big “to-do” over this, and in the end Larry and Jeff have a disagreement: Jeff thinks Larry should nevertheless give the sunglasses to Jeff’s mom, but Larry thinks he has been relieved of his gift-giving duty.
5 Larry’s side of this argument is compromised by the fact that he is on record saying, “I’m not an inventor. I’m an improver” (“The Bat Mitzvah,” Season Six, Episode 10).
6 The puzzle of “meeting” also comes up on “The Wire” (Season One, Episode 6), when Larry’s neighbor feels he hasn’t met Julia Louis-Dreyfus despite having just met her. “That was terrible. That was maybe an encounter, but that’s not a meeting.”
7 We would like to thank Sean Petranovich, Keith Marshall, and Misha Chkhenkeli for providing very useful feedback on an earlier draft of this glossary.