FRIDAY ^#11

Changing Tides

Black’s Beach is among the most breathtaking stretches of Southern California’s coastline. Hiking down the caramel-colored cliffs is an ideal setting for three visionary lovers to redesign their relationship. If only they were able to keep up a coherent conversation without being distracted by a dazzling peregrine falcon circling overhead. During the twenty-minute descent to the sand, Raven silently prays for guidance in her evolving connection with all her beloveds.

At the bottom, Raven discovers the sand is surprisingly cool between her painted toes. Since it’s a nude beach, she unhitches her sports bra and steps out of her khaki shorts. Violet wraps herself in a Polynesian scarf to protect her light skin from wind and sun.

Damien is standing over a tide pool poking at a sea anemone with his finger. Raven marvels at how easily these fragile creatures could get crushed by a human foot or tumbling rock. Such is life. Everything is temporary. The tide is low, but about to rise.

“Let’s find a spot,” Raven says, musing on how whatever relationship agreements they come up with are also only temporary. She spots a secluded nook in the rocky cliffs, and the triad settles into the shade.

Fortunately, Damien is not one for small talk. But Raven knows the burden of beginning this difficult conversation is hers. After a few moments of situating their bodies and sharing reassuring touches, Raven commences. “As you know, my connection with Violet is unexpectedly deep, and we want to keep exploring it, but at the same time . . .” Raven sets her hand on Damien’s thigh as her eyes grow wet. “I’m still mourning the loss of what we had. I can’t keep avoiding you, Damien. I know how important it is to keep all channels open in a web of lovers, so I guess I’m looking for an arrangement that works for everyone.”

“I’ve missed you,” Damien states.

Suddenly, Raven is hijacked by sobs. “Really?”

Violet throws her arms around Raven, trying to comfort her girlfriend. “I can’t tell you what it means to have my two loves talking again, and how perfect is it that we get to do it here, in this romantic cave.” Violet’s enthusiasm is contagious. Tears turn to laughter. Violet kisses Raven first, then Damien. Raven can’t help but notice the familiarity between their lips and senses a stab in her stomach.

Wiping her wet face, Raven says, “Well, I’m sorry your first experience is so hard, for me.”

Raven gazes at Damien’s freckled face and thinks it looks like art against the cave wall. Damien rubs her thigh and says, “When I first met Raven, I wanted to learn everything about nonmonogamy, so I asked her for weekly sessions. As we started to fall in love, she asked me to be her boyfriend. But I thought, she’s a married woman. What exactly does that mean? Do you remember? You laid it out for me. All you wanted was a regular rendezvous to explore the mysteries of the universe together. You said, ‘Look my husband meets all my primary needs, for sex, money, companionship. . . .’ You promised never to pressure me to move in together or have kids. So, I thought, it’s not a bad proposition. You thought you were ‘low maintenance.’ But as we deepened, you wanted more emotional support and commitment, then you came to me with tears in your eyes . . .”

“Kinda like I am now?” Raven says, smiling because she knows where the story is going.

“Yes. Like this.” Damien continues telling the story to Violet, “And apologized for the false advertising. She realized she was not low maintenance at all.”

“I had no idea what I was getting into,” Raven tells Violet. “I didn’t expect he would turn my world upside down and inside out.”

“And I said it’s okay that you’re not low maintenance, you’re, you’re a high-performance woman. High-performance systems are never low maintenance. Most guys don’t want low maintenance, they want high-performing sports cars. Seriously, who wants a Honda when they can drive a Ferrari? And yes, darlin’, you are a Ferrari. We may be in the shop a lot, but when we get back on the road, it’s worth it. So, the way I see it, that’s what we’re doing here: tinkering under the hood a little so we can have a more extraordinary ride.”

Raven smiles and breathes more freely. “Why can’t extraordinary be easy!”

Damien smiles and rubs Violet’s thigh, scanning her sweet face for reassurance. Watching them, Raven is struck by the tenderness of their relationship. She has been so self-indulgent, with all her attention pouring into the show. She hasn’t stopped to put herself into Damien’s shoes or to consider how much he has at stake. There aren’t many men who’d be comfortable supporting their girlfriend having weekly playdates with a dominant lesbian sex activist.

Raven says, “I’m touched and grateful that you’ve shared your beloved with me on Fridays. We have such a different dynamic than you and I used to. I’m curious what impact this has had on you.”

“There are two main things.” Damien speaks as if he’s given the subject considerable thought. “I want to start by acknowledging you, Violet, for how well you try to include me after every date.” He reassures her with a pat. “Your transparency is impeccable, baby.” He glances back at Raven. “She can’t wait to tell me every detail when she gets home. But I have to admit it’s hard to hear at times, since you and I don’t have our own connection anymore—it feels a bit imbalanced. Especially if Violet and I are doing something domestic, and not as sexually adventurous that night.”

Raven nods with understanding.

Violet is quick to offer, “Well, I’m not as threatened as I was in the beginning. I’d be open, if you two wanted to explore your own connection again.”

“I know,” Damien says. “But that’s not what I’m asking.”

“I’m not sure I’m ready for that, either,” Raven whispers, and she remembers this conversation is long overdue. “I know there’s a second point, and I’d like to hear it.”

“My other challenge is around Violet’s first-time experiences. Ironically, the whole reason I wanted you two to meet is because I knew you could teach her things I couldn’t. But I noticed there are certain experiences she has with you that are hard to celebrate because I haven’t had them with her myself.”

“Like what?” Violet interrupts.

“Like spanking, yoni gazing, outdoor sex . . . I don’t need to introduce her to every first sexual experience, but if I can’t be there to witness, I’d at least like to be considered. The first time we try anything can be so formative and bonding, like losing our virginity.”

Raven leans toward Damien and impulsively wraps her arms around him. “Of course I want to consider you. You have no idea how much I care. Too much actually. I love you both.” Damien squeezes her hard before she pulls away and wipes away more tears. “If I’m honest, it’s been hard to accept you as a couple. It’s still so surreal, even now that I’m here with you both.”

Violet, who’s intoxicated by this three-way process, is eager to share. “Maybe that means we just need to spend more time together. I want it to be easy to be together. I mean we’re three conscientious adults who all love one another. We can work this out.”

Raven blurts, “But the problem is I’m still in love with Damien.”

Silence. Damien looks at the sandstone wall, weighing what to say next.

Violet breaks the tension, “Why is that a problem?”

“Don’t you get it?” Raven snaps. “The more I open my heart to you, the more hurt and longing I feel for Damien.”

“Naturally,” Damien says thoughtfully, “the human heart can’t open to feel pleasure without also feeling pain. I know what an emotional woman you are. Loving you is a roller coaster, which is why I need to be clear with both of you. I can’t be romantic with Raven right now. It’s too complex and too risky. Violet is the love of my life, and I don’t want anything to jeopardize our partnership. Clearly, being with you makes her happy, and I want to support everything that makes her happy, but for now, I need to support it from a comfortable distance and only within certain parameters. I hope you understand.”

“I may not like it, but I agree. I love you both, and I don’t want to lose Violet, or jeopardize what you two have.”

Violet asks, “What do you mean by certain parameters?”

“Well, when I was dating Raven, she had specific relationship agreements and a clear container around when we’d see each other.”

“Sounds so lawyerly,” says Violet.

“We need to find a win-win arrangement.” Raven squints her eyes.

“You make it sound like I’m property and you’re discussing my dowry.”

“Aren’t you?” Raven teases.

“Okay, maybe a little, go on . . .” Violet props her chin on her fist and assumes an exaggerated listening position.

Raven begins the rally with, “I propose we stick with Fridays. It seemed to happen spontaneously. Let’s make it official.”

“And I want you to come home to me afterward so we can make love,” Damien says.

Raven feels another stab in her belly, but reminds herself that she has her own primary partner. “Nick loves it when I bring all the juice from our dates home to him.”

“Oooh. That’s hot!” Violet squeals.

“And I want you to send her back to me better than you found her,” Damien says playfully.

Raven holds up two fingers like a scout and says, “I promise to keep the campsite clean.”

“Since we’re doing Friday daytimes, I could change my yoga class to have more time to meet before,” Violet says eagerly.

Raven nods. “Since it’s difficult for me to be around Damien right now, why don’t we meet at my place?”

Damien turns to Violet. “I don’t want you to have to do all the driving, you can use our space when I’m at work on Fridays.”

Violet is in awe of the process. “Do you have detailed rules like this with Nick?”

“We haven’t even started on the details yet,” Raven jokes, and then with a half smile says, “Nick and I used to have a ten-page contract, and one rule was we both had to be naked when we negotiated our agreements.”

Damien smiles. “Sexual arousal does make processing easier doesn’t it?”

“Maybe, someday we can teach her what it’s like to negotiate a threesome?” Raven flirts.

Damien laughs. “I move that we revisit that proposal at a later date.” Then dropping into his usual philosophical self, he adds, “Before discussing any more strategies, let’s address the underlying values. A strategy is only successful if it solves the underlying issues.”

“Well, I heard you say you valued being considered, especially around Violet’s firsts.”

“That’s right,” he says, looking into Raven’s eyes and smiling.

“What does it look like for us to consider you? Would it work for you if we checked in with you before doing certain things, if she’s never done them before?”

“We need a deeper inventory of what exactly she’s done and what she hasn’t,” Damien says thoughtfully. “I’d be happy to work with you on that.”

Violet squealed, “Ooooh! I like the sound of that!”

Damien points to the ocean. “The tide is rising. We need to head back soon, or we’ll get trapped on this strand.”

“Wait. I’ve heard you say there are certain things you feel I’m uniquely qualified to teach Violet, and I want to be clear about the specifics. I’m assuming you’re okay with things like ropes, scissoring, pegging, and other kinky girl-on-girl scenes?”

“Yes, thank you. When Violet comes home, I’m delighted to hear about your adventures, and I see how much she’s growing, and that’s the real measure of my fulfillment in this partnership.”

“Wow, you two are like one big lucid dream,” Violet exclaims.

“I feel blessed too.” Raven gazes out at the vast blue sea. “Before we hike back, I want to offer myself to the ocean.”

“Well, I anticipate this will be an ongoing process that might be challenging for a while,” Damien says.

“But we’re in it for the extraordinary!” Violet declares, and she pulls her lovers into a three-way hug. She plants a kiss on each of their cheeks and they look at each other with glowing smiles.

Before pulling apart, Raven proposes, “A three-way kiss?”

Damien asks his beloved, “Violet, have you ever had a three-way kiss?”

“Not yet,” she says eagerly.

“A first!” Damien declares.

Raven directs, “Start slow, way slower than normal.” They all lean in. There are lips upon lips, and for a moment, there is nothing else.

Until Violet squeals, “My heart just exploded!”

“Yes!” Raven exclaims. “Mamma Ocean is calling me. Who’s in?”

“I’ll watch,” Damien says.

“I’ll pass,” Violet says, snuggling up under Damien’s arm.

Raven disrobes and saunters to the edge of the sand, where the land meets the sea. Silently a private prayer forms in her heart:

“Oh great Goddess, cloaked in the ocean’s arms.” She plunges her body into the depths. “I surrender myself to thee.” She holds her breath and submerges her entire body. “Baptize me.” She dunks again. “Wash away all of my attachments.” And a third time. “Cleanse me from my suffering.”

Then she paddles beyond the break, allowing the salt water to surround her as she floats on her back. Out loud she continues, “Let me love as you love, Mamma Ocean. May I be reborn into this relationship. Cleanse me of this heartache. Wash my memory of ever being hurt. May I trust myself and know that others cannot hurt me. May I love him through my love for her. May I learn to love the whole world through this woman. Thank you.”

She glances toward the shore between her floating toes and smiles at the sight of Violet cuddling Damien. He has his phone out, so she knows it’s time to go.

She kisses the Goddess good-bye and walks out of the sea like a mermaid regaining her land legs. She is born again. She is herself: a mother, a wife, and a lover of everything good. Her life is a work of art, and it’s always changing, like the tides. She is living at the edge.