FRIDAY #15
Tantric Tease
My moon came early and hard this month. I had to cancel whatever kinky scene Raven was planning because I felt like a heavy magnet in my uterus was pulling me to the couch. Raven insisted on coming to cuddle me while I curled up with a heating pad.
I felt miraculously better the moment she walked in. She found me all sprawled out in a skimpy camisole and cotton panties, covered by a fuzzy blanket. She kissed me on the forehead. I offered to make her mint tea.
“I can make it myself,” she said.
I called to her as she walked into the kitchen, “But serving you is one of my great pleasures. I’m bummed I had to cancel our sexy time, our relationship is too new for ‘lesbian bed-death!’”
“Silly woman.” Raven returned and pounced on me. “‘Lesbian bed-death’ only happens to women who live together and rely on each other to meet all their primary needs. We see each other once a week for a fun playdate, hardly enough to argue over whose turn it is to do the dishes. I promise I won’t lose interest just because you don’t put out this week.”
“Thank God! I like having sex during my moon time, I just don’t always feel so sexy. Damien usually has to do all the work. I’ve been wondering, if you didn’t practice BDSM with Damien, what did you do on your dates?”
“We’d talk, a lot.”
“About what?” I asked, trying to sound casual.
“Everything. You know Damien. I remember musing on consciousness as the interior experience of the universe expressing itself through each individual and how the more we wake up, the more we participate in our own evolution.”
“He said you used to practice tantra together. That’s something I want to try,” I said.
Raven instantly morphed into teacher mode. Her whole posture changed when she asked, “Is there a particular practice you want to explore?”
“I’m open to anything you want to teach me.”
“How about we save the teacher/student scene for when you don’t have cramps?”
“I can rally.”
“I’m sure you can,” she says sternly, “but you’re always in service. It’s so rare that I get to meet your brokenness. I want to embrace your authenticity, maybe try some sexual healing.”
Beaming, I pulled her into the bedroom. Raven told me to empty my bladder and asked for a towel. I returned, stark naked, to find she’d peeled my comforter off.
“No fair, I wanted to watch you undress,” Raven said.
“I can still undress you,” I offered, my hands in prayer. She nodded and I moved in slow motion as I stripped off each layer, down to her sun bronzed skin.
Raven directed me to sit facing her, knee to knee. She said we were going to enter a timeless dimension and should set an alarm clock. I reassured her that Damien wouldn’t come home before 4:00 p.m., so I set my timer for 3:45 and flipped the ringer off.
Meanwhile, Raven pulled a red veil out of her little silk bag. She covered the lamp, creating a warm, womb-like glow. She arranged a candle and a quartz crystal on the nightstand.
“I have a particular invocation I want to share. What do you know about tantra?”
“Parvati from my yoga ashram used to say there are people out there doing strange stuff and calling it tantra. She calls it, ‘California hot tub tantra.’”
“She has a good point . . . yet the traditionalists are so busy following some ancient lineage that they miss out on the spontaneous awakening that is available in a hot tub. Are you ready?”
“I don’t know if I have the energy for a five-hour orgasm.”
“People think tantra has to be ecstatic, or long and slow, but it doesn’t have to look like anything. Kind of like kink—it’s not always pleasurable, and it doesn’t always hurt. Tantra says you can’t go to great heights unless you dig a deep foundation. The lotus grows from the muck, and sometimes we dig up past wounds for the sake of healing them.”
“You’re starting to scare me now,” I said with a raised eyebrow.
“Let’s drop in.” After a few deep breaths, she used a simple prayer to invoke Shiva and Shakti, the God and Goddess of all creation and destruction. But she emphasized that they are not out there, in the clouds, they are right here (pointing between her breasts) inside of us. She invited Shiva to look out from the back of our eyes with his all-seeing power of observation. Then she described Shakti as a dancer with many veils and invoked her to animate our bodies and guide the movement in our hips.
After she laid me down and propped my knees with pillows, she asked if I was open to a yoni massage and if I had any boundaries.
“I am a yes to whatever you want to do to me.”
“This isn’t about doing. I want to worship, the way a pilgrim visits a temple, then I am going to hold still and breathe.”
“Are you going to start staring again?”
“It’s gazing, not staring, but no, this is different.” She massaged my thighs and outer lips, explaining, “I want to enter your inner sanctum and meditate there. All you have to do is breathe, feel, and receive. I know how much you love to please me, but this is for you. There is no pressure for it to even be pleasurable. I welcome whatever comes up.”
“So, you want me to just lie there and take it,” I teased.
Smiling, she continued in a less serious tone, “If you prefer, you can think of me like your ‘service top.’ If something comes up you can name it, or give it a sound, or give me directions to help you move through it. When you’re ready, I want you to invite me inside.”
“Yes please, come in already.”
She gazed into my eyes and touched me as slowly as a sloth. I imagined her fingers like a claw with three long toes. That excited me at first, but then she guided me to breathe with her.
“I feel so vulnerable with my legs spread open like this.”
“Good. Breathe into the sensation of vulnerability.”
She just sat there breathing with her hand between my legs. It was like driving through the desert with no music, no landscape, total flatlands… I wanted a mirage or something. So I asked her if I was allowed to fantasize.
“Don’t force or chase anything. Just notice whatever arises, even if it’s numbness. It’s okay to feel boredom.”
I kept breathing, and after what felt like forever, her face started to shape-shift. She looked like an old man, then a young girl, then both at the same time. Next, she started melting into faces of people from my past. I didn’t say anything at first, because I didn’t want to break the trance. Eventually, I needed to know if she was doing it on purpose, so I asked.
She said, “That’s just ‘phenomena.’ All kinds of experiences can arise during meditation—colors, twitches, visitations—don’t let it distract you from your embodied reality.”
In the next breath, I started to weep, big elephant tears. I don’t know why I cried, but I did.
I must’ve forgotten to keep my legs open because she had to remind me not to crush her hand. At one point, when she said, “Spread your legs,” I got instantly aroused. Raven’s whole power dynamic crumbled before my eyes, and I suddenly remembered what I love about this woman.
“You just love spreading me open and stuffing things inside me, don’t you?” I blurted.
“The only thing that’s inside you right now is my love. No matter how much you beg, I am in service to the Goddess today.”
“I feel more like a slut than a Goddess,” I said, grinding my hips against her hand.
“You’re both. It’s the nature of the divine feminine.”
And with that, I felt this animal force moving through me. I start grunting, and she encouraged me by growling with me. The animal intensity dissipated when one of us howled and we both started laughing.
I asked to end the session because I felt too much pressure on my bladder.
“You might think you have to pee, but it might be amrita.”
I questioned her with my eyes.
“Female ejaculate,” Raven said, refusing to pull out.
“No way, I’m not even close to orgasming,” I snapped.
“Sometimes after a big breakthrough like this, your body wants to release. I can feel that your G-spot is full inside.”
“Because I have to pee,” I said, pulling her bloody hand out by the wrist and leaving the room.
On the toilet, I realized that my words came out harsher than I intended. But damn, it felt good to gush into the toilet. I was still high from the whole scene and I couldn’t believe it was already almost four o’clock.
When I returned, she had made the bed, put out the candle, and was reclining against the headboard, her arms crossed over her heart. “Why did you say you weren’t even close to orgasming?”
“Sorry.” I kissed her. “I don’t mean to sound ungrateful for the whole experience, it was wonderful, really edgy for me, especially the way you had me spread-eagle. I like being vulnerable with you, it’s just if you want to get me off, all you have to do is give me a good fantasy.”
“Maybe one day I’ll tie you to a spreader bar and force an orgasm.”
“I wish we didn’t have to wait a whole week.”
I placed my head on her chest and she sighed meaningfully.
I would have dozed off in her arms if she hadn’t jumped at the sound of keys jingling at the front door. Her muscles tensed when Damien whistled for me. He walked straight back and was surprised to find Raven quickly packing up. A bolt of tension swept through the room, but he navigated it by giving each of us a warm hug. “So good to see you.”
My heart accelerated at the sight of my two lovers hugging.
“I was just on my way out,” Raven said cordially.
“I don’t want to run you off,” Damien said.
“We lost track of time,” Raven said, squeezing me.
“That means you must’ve been having fun,” Damien teased.
Trying to normalize the situation, I offered, “Actually, I’m still bleeding so we had a slow, tantric healing session.”
“Good.” Damien pulled Raven in to sit beside him on the bed as he continued. “I’ve been wanting Violet to experience your Dakini gifts.”
“That makes two of us,” Raven said stiffly.
I lightened the mood by saying, “I feel like you two are plotting to gang up on me.”
“You’d like that wouldn’t you?” Raven reached for my nipple, but I dodged her fingers.
Damien asked, “Did she tell you about the strap-on?”
Raven looked at me confused, so I explained, “You know, the pink dildo you sissy trained me with?”
“Yes?”
“Well, you left it here last week. So I sort of used it on Damien.”
“As in, you penetrated him, with my cock?”
“Yes, Ma’am,” I said.
“She made a whole ritual out of it,” Damien bragged.
Raven’s eyebrows crinkled as if she had just been slapped, so I tried to explain. “When I told him about our gender play, he wanted to know what it would be like to get pegged… I did just like you taught me, with a ton of lube and—”
“That was my cock!” Raven scrambled to her feet. “And you didn’t even ask me!” But instead of fleeing, she started sobbing. “Sorry, I just feel a bit hijacked right now.”
“I didn’t mean to upset you,” Damien said, placing a comforting hand on her back.
“It’s just there are certain protocols about sharing toys… and I wouldn’t expect you to understand,” she sniffed.
“What kind of protocols are you talking about? I need to know where I misstepped,” Damien said, pulling her in closer.
Raven softened her tone. “Sharing toys with other lovers is a very intimate act.”
“But we share everything else,” I retorted.
Raven considered it, then started laughing. “I guess we do.”
She wiped her face on Damien’s sleeve as he hugged her. “It must be my old monogamous programming. There are a lot of rules in lesbian culture too. Maybe it’s my need to have something special, just between us.”
“That’s understandable,” Damien says. “It’s not unlike my desire to be part of Violet’s first-time experiences. And this was a first for us.”
“I hope she pegged you good,” Raven laughed.
Smiling, Damien said, “Let’s just say, I now have more compassion for my gay brothers.”
Relieved to see her smiling again, I said, “Does it help to know I was fantasizing about you when I was pegging him?”
“It depends. Were you fantasizing about pegging me or that I was pegging you?”
“You were on top, of course, going to town on Damien!”
“That works. At least we’re clear about who’s on top.” Raven pulled me into a three-way hug. “I love you.” As she stood up to walk out she whispered, “Both of you.”
Yours,
Vi.