FRIDAY ^#25

Sleepover

Cuddling naked under Violet’s purple comforter, Raven cries silently. Huge teardrops stream down her face during the final scene of Henry and June.

Violet shuts the lid of her laptop. “Is it as good as the book?” Raven sniffles and sighs, “It wasn’t based on a book, the movie was made after her uncensored diaries. Anaïs Nin would probably say no book or movie is as good as real life. She journaled incessantly; it was her frantic defense against insanity. But what the movie doesn’t accurately depict is how tormented and conflicted she was between her two lovers.”

“Anyway, I loved it,” Violet says, yawning and massaging Raven’s thigh.

“She was obsessed by a lifelong pursuit of beauty.”

“Babe, I’m deliriously tired.” Violet curls up in Raven’s arms. “I want to say good night to Damien. Honey! Can you come in here?” she calls through the closed door while maintaining a firm grip on Raven’s bare thigh.

Raven feels a flash of self-consciousness, and she tugs on the sheet to cover her nipples. She stops when she realizes she has nothing to hide. She’s done nothing wrong, and Damien’s already seen her naked and crying countless times before.

He enters looking distracted from his research. He positions himself diagonally across the edge of the bed.

Having declined the invitation to watch the movie with them, since he’d already seen it with Raven, he asks, “So, what did you think, Little One?”

Violet gives him a peck and says, “It was beautiful. It made me appreciate our poly dynamics. I’m so glad I don’t have to choose between my lovers.”

“Thanks for sharing your girlfriend with me.” Raven nudges Damien’s shoulder. It was meant to be playful, but the lightness seems lost on Damien, since he’s staring at the floor. Raven knows this look—he’s arranging his thoughts.

“I’ve tried to help Violet comprehend the delicate balance of our relationships.”

Raven looks at Violet, clearly confused. “What are you referring to?”

“I didn’t want to speak for him.” Violet’s voice starts to sound defensive. She seems to catch herself and continues in a low tone, “You two need to talk.”

“Uh-oh, does this have to do with the chopsticks, or other firsts? I’m sorry, I should’ve checked in with you,” Raven blurts.

“It’s none of that. I’ve been doing better about your firsts. Vi’s been diligent about including me.”

“What is it, then?” Raven presses.

Damien carefully measures his words. “Look, I know this is your first sleepover. The last thing I want to do is taint it, but I’m just having a hard time getting Violet to understand my perspective.”

Raven is struck in the gut with the unbearable thought that she might still be unwittingly hurting Damien. She takes a deep breath and hears the strangest words leap from her mouth. “Tell me.” It’s the exact tone that Damien has used a million times to pry forth feelings that were hard to articulate.

“As you know, I love you both. I respect your unique connection with Violet. I make a concerted effort to accommodate your weekly time together. In theory I support your exploration. In practice, however, it’s challenging to watch my girlfriend have an ongoing relationship with my former lover, when I’m not feeling my needs are being addressed.”

Violet exclaims, “But we tried to include you tonight!”

“Now hold on,” Damien continues. “You’re not hearing me.”

Violet interrupts, “It sounds like you’re saying that I’m doing something wrong.”

Damien glances at Raven then slows down his speech. “Hear me out, you’re doing lots of things right. You check in with me before your dates. You spare no detail when you come home. You even bring your sexual creativity back into our bedroom, which of course makes it easy for me to see the benefit of your ongoing connection. But I don’t feel like you see how far I’ve stretched to support your relationship, and if I bring up any of my own concerns, you get defensive and stop listening.”

Raven feels like a huge wall is crumbling down around her heart. Although it’s painful to feel her defenses dismantled, she’s starting to see Damien clearly for the first time in months. Violet is speechless, so Raven takes this opportunity to lean in. “I’m so grateful for what a deep support you’ve been for me and Vi. You’ve gone above and beyond to make space for our love, but I see it has come at the expense of your own need to feel welcomed or even heard. If I were you, supporting my beloved weekly to deep-dive with my ex, I can imagine feeling overlooked, and that’s gotta hurt.” Raven takes another deep breath.

“It’s not just the depth that bothers me, but the breadth of things you do together when I don’t feel considered. This is a real deal-breaker, honestly. If it were anyone else, I’d say we tried this arrangement and it isn’t working for me.”

Violet sits up, now fully awake. “What do you mean, a deal-breaker? Are you threatening to veto our relationship?”

Raven lays a reassuring hand on Violet’s thigh. “That’s not what he’s saying. What I hear, Damien, is that you need your feelings to be considered, and that’s the bottom line, right?”

“Yes. Thank you. But Violet is so attached to your relationship,” Damien says, finally breaking a smile, “it’s almost like she’s addicted, and any feelings I have seem to threaten her getting her fix.”

“Now that’s a low blow.” Violet giggles and shakes her head.

“He’s got a point. I’m pretty addicted myself.” Raven leans forward to touch Damien. Her naked body is completely exposed, but she doesn’t care. “Listen, I don’t want to be a wedge between you two. I only want to enhance your relationship. If I’m creating conflict, the two of us can’t continue. You know, my directive has always been to do no harm.”

Violet looks hurt and surprised. She tries to lighten things up, saying, “Come on now, harm is the whole basis of our fantasies.”

“No.” Raven cuts in sternly. “I may hurt you, but that is not the same as harm. There’s an important distinction.” Violet can tell Raven is not in the mood to be playful. “Unfortunately, it seems I’ve been harming your relationship.”

“To be fair, you’ve been helping it too,” Damien says.

“Damien what do you need me to do?” Violet pleads.

Raven looks at Violet and then Damien. She speaks slowly, “Do you want us to stop?”

“No,” Damien says, a knee-jerk reaction.

“To slow down?”

“A little,” Damien admits.

“What does that mean?” Violet swallows hard.

Raven offers, “What if we agree that you’re always welcome to join us on Fridays, and we stop exploring ‘firsts?’”

“Your welcoming me in means a lot. Really. But I don’t want you to stop exploring new things,” Damien reassures her.

“Do you want me to ask your permission beforehand?” Raven offers.

He shakes his head. “That won’t do. Violet must feel free. She can choose to do anything she wants.”

Freshly inspired, Violet lights up and chimes in, “I get it. You want my choices to be informed by your feelings!”

“Yes!” Damien says, and nods. “By checking in with each other’s feelings, we get a sense of the impact our choices make on each other. Ideally, if you were able to hear me out, without assuming I’m threatening your relationship, then I might be able to give you my blessings. There’s a big distinction between permission and blessings.”

Violet kisses Damien, almost giddy from the relief of not losing Raven. She chimes in, “But what if I like the idea of asking for your permission? It’s kind of kinky. Like please, my Lord, please?”

Damien laughs, “If it brings you pleasure, I guess I could live with it.” He looks to be feeling lighter already. He turns to Violet for clarity and reassurance. “I just need to know my feelings matter. And I do like the idea of having an open door policy, where I could come in and give you a kiss. If whatever you’re doing is threatening to our relationship, I’d want to know you’ll slow things down.”

“You mean everything to me. You know that! But my Fridays with Raven have their own energy, it’s like a freight train with its own momentum; I don’t know how to slow it down.”

Raven interjects in a stern voice, “Now hold on, even a train needs an emergency break. When someone calls yellow light in a scene, it’s my responsibility to slow down before someone gets hurt. I don’t want this to turn into a red light. In truth, I know Violet is not separate from you. I need to find a way to love you both as a couple.”

At hearing this, Damien impulsively kisses Raven on the cheek then turns to hug Violet for a few long breaths. Raven thinks she sees him wipe his eyes before releasing her. “It’s obvious from this conversation, I should have brought it up sooner.”

Raven is touched, but her tears are all used up from the movie. “I may not have been ready for this earlier. It used to hurt to see you two together. But now, it doesn’t hurt nearly as much as the thought of losing either of you. I love you both so much.”

In that moment, Violet discovers a three-way hug with smiles all around is actually much sweeter than their first three-way kiss at the beach.

Damien wraps up with this: “You know, one of the greatest benefits in ‘poly’ is three-way processing. I find it so helpful that communication isn’t polarized into ‘he said/she said.’ I’ve been trying to get Violet to understand my feelings for some time, but she couldn’t bear the guilt of hurting me or the thought of losing you, so we just kept hitting the same brick wall. Tonight, I feel we made a real breakthrough.”

Violet says, “I’m glad we talked. I’m also exhausted.”

In contrast, Raven feels invigorated by the processing and is eager to play. “We still haven’t answered one of the hardest questions you’ll ever encounter in poly.”

Damien takes the bait. “What’s that?”

“Who sleeps in the middle?” Raven says with a smile so wide she can’t hide her teeth.

“I’m not ready for bed, so I’ll let you two figure it out.” Damien stands to leave the room.

Raven stands with him. “What are you working on?”

“I’m preparing a paper for a conference.”

“Is it theory or application? What’s your argument?”

Violet interrupts with a groggy voice, “I love hearing you two geek out, but could you take it into the other room, please?”

“Sweet dreams, Pussy Willow,” Damien says, kissing Violet on the forehead. Then he pulls Raven off the bed. She slips into Violet’s robe and Damien guides her toward the door. In a groggy voice, Violet calls out a postscript that makes Raven smile. “I would be totally happy for you two if you want to explore anything, sexually, I mean.”

In the living room, Raven sinks into the corner of the couch, drapes a leg over Damien’s lap, and listens to him talk about his current project. They both seem simultaneously flooded with the familiar flow state that comes from countless nights musing about each other’s creative pursuits. Damien stops abruptly in the middle of his animated lecture and stares starkly at Raven’s face. She wonders if he’s going to kiss her. Instead, he says, “It feels good, doesn’t it? To be connecting again.”

“You have no idea how much I’ve missed you,” Raven says.

“It wasn’t our time, but now maybe we’re ready again?”

“Ready for what?”

“Good question.” Damien pulls Raven closer. She leans her back against his chest and they breathe in unison.

“You know what I remember most about our time together?” Damien muses.

“Well, I know what I remember, but you first,” Raven prods.

“We would get impassioned by our exploration of some topic at the intersection between the unknown and the unknowable, and eventually, we’d reach a point where all words were completely inadequate. Then we’d put our foreheads together and just breathe.” Raven shifts her position to look at Damien. “Like this,” he says as he slowly leans his brow into hers.

After several moments of stillness, Damien pulls back far enough to see the Eros rising in Raven’s eyes.

“Your turn. What do you remember?”

“Well, you heard what Violet said as we were leaving the room. Do you think she meant it?”

“She’s told me several times, even before tonight, how happy she would be for us to reconnect, so I know we have her blessing.”

“And how would that feel to you?”

Damien pulls Raven in close to his face. She thinks he’s going to whisper something, but he just stares at her lips. It’s like there’s a magnetic field between their mouths. They are irresistibly pulled into a long, slow kiss.

Raven pauses and looks into his eyes. “I have an impulse to put my third eye on your cock.”

Damien smiles, exhales deeply, closes his eyes, and nods. As if in an erotic dream, she slides down to her knees between his legs. With reverence, she pulls out his semi hard penis and holds it firm against her brow point. She feels it filling with an erotic current. When she can no longer hold back, she wraps her lips around his shaft. She allows her body wisdom to take over. When Damien is at the edge of orgasm, she turns her mind in the direction of the cosmos and receives an explosion of star stuff in her mouth. After a tender pause, she slowly cups her hand, collects his cum into her hand, then walks outside into the backyard. She holds his seed up above her head as an offering to the moonlight before grounding her hands on the moist Earth. After wiping her hands on the moist grass, she heads inside to meet Damien’s warm embrace. Together they float back down into the realm of the ordinary.

Their bodies are intertwined on the couch when Damien marvels, “I’m grateful for the clearing conversation we had tonight.”

“It somehow makes the impossible seem possible again,” Raven muses.

“For the record, I fully understand that there is a unique universe that opens in the world between the two of you that doesn’t include me at all.”

“Thank you. And I do want to include you and consider your feelings more when I’m planning our scenes. Maybe I can run some of my ideas by you?”

“I’d love to hear them, especially if there is a scene that involves a certain ex-boyfriend,” Damien jokes.

Raven kisses Damien and says, “I like where this is going.”

“Seriously though, what did you have in mind?”

“With Violet, I’ve been thinking a lot about fisting lately,” Raven says with a smirk. “What are your thoughts on the subject?”

Damien holds up one of Raven’s hands and makes it into a fist to compare with his own—Raven’s is about half the size.

“If she’s going to be fisted, it seems a good idea to start with yours. You have my full blessings on that scene.”

“Thank you.”

“I know just the thing to give you. It’s still in the box. My disclaimer is that I’ve never used it, so you’ll have to let me know how it goes.”

“I see what you’re doing.” Raven kisses his cheek. “You’ve found a clever way to include yourself!”