‘You know I’ll always love you, no matter what,’ Alan assures me.
‘Right,’ I reply.
‘And you know I’d never want to offend you,’ he continues.
‘OK …’
Why do I feel like he’s about to do just that?
‘I just don’t want to see you get fat.’
I feel my jaw drop in astonishment.
‘You don’t want to see me get fat?’ I say back to him, just in case I’ve made some kind of mistake. Did he really just say that?
‘Why don’t we go for a run?’ he suggests.
‘First of all, because you always tell me that cardio kills your gains – whatever that means – and second of all, because it’s 9 p.m. on a Friday night, it’s chucking it down with rain, I’ve spent all day working on a stressful group project, and now all I want to do it order a pizza and curl up in front of a movie.’
‘A pizza here, a cheeseburger there … Combined with a sedentary lifestyle, you’ll get fat. It’s a certainty. And all you want to do is watch movies.’
When I first started seeing Alan, his passion for fitness was something to be admired. Now, it’s starting to get on my nerves. At first it was just small annoyances, like I’d want to spend time with him but he’d have plans to go to the gym. Then he started refusing to go to places to eat if they didn’t serve food that didn’t ‘fit his macros’, whatever that means. But now I feel like the camel’s back is about to break, because he’s doing things to embarrass me or make me feel fat – like telling me to watch how many calorific drinks I consume at parties or when he begrudges me a pizza and a sit down.
On the night we met, I thought maybe we had some things in common, but as time has gone by, I have realised that I was wrong. One of the first things that impressed me about Alan was the fact that he was a Baz Luhrmann fan. It has since come to my attention that he was faking it, and simply read his name off the DVD box to try and impress me – which explains why he couldn’t pronounce his name, and why he seemed so confused by people knowing all the words to an Elton John song in France in 1900.
‘And don’t think I didn’t see that bar of chocolate in the fridge,’ he continues. ‘I’d bet everything I had on that being yours.’
‘So what if it is mine?’ I reply. ‘I’ll eat whatever I want. I’ll eat the whole bar if I feel like it. I’ll eat everything in the fridge.’
‘I’m just pointing out that maybe you eat too much, and you definitely drink too much.’
‘I’m a student,’ I remind him. ‘It comes with the territory.’
Alan rolls his eyes.
For a few minutes, we sit in silence. I aimlessly scroll on my phone, avoiding talking to him, before I realise that, you know what, in his own way, I’m sure he only has my best interests at heart. He thinks he’s looking out for me, so maybe I shouldn’t be so hard on him.
‘There’s this food festival thing in town tomorrow,’ I tell him. ‘Loads of pop-up street food vendors, bars, entertainment. A few of us were talking about going if you fancy it?’
‘I’ve got a big day in the gym planned tomorrow,’ he says.
Still, I persist. ‘Can’t you sack it off just for one day and come and have fun with me?’ I say, in my flirtiest voice. ‘I’ll give you a cardio workout that won’t kill your gains, if you know what I mean.’
I absolutely don’t know what I mean, but it sounds kind of sexy, and even if it doesn’t, the fact that I’m running my hand slowly up and down his chest should be a big giveaway.
‘Luca, do you think Lou Ferrigno got to where he is by taking days off?’ Alan says, pushing my hand away.
‘Honestly, Alan, I have no idea who that is,’ I reply. ‘To be completely honest, I rarely have any idea what you’re talking about.’
‘That’s why I’m trying to educate you,’ he says.
‘Or maybe, that might be why we shouldn’t be together,’ I blurt.
Before Alan has chance to say anything, Matt and Tom walk into the living room.
‘Oh, sorry,’ Matt says when he notices us sitting on the sofa. ‘You two having a quiet night in? I’m just getting changed, then we’re heading out. I told Tom to wait for me in here but …’
‘Don’t be daft, it’s fine,’ I insist.
‘Won’t be long,’ Matt says, before dashing off upstairs.
‘So, how are you two?’ Tom asks, taking a seat on the sofa opposite us.
‘Not too bad,’ I reply. ‘How are you?’
Awkward, awkward small talk. I hate it.
‘I’m not bad. Matt has talked me into a lads’ night out.’
‘No Cleo?’ I reply, and instantly wish I hadn’t. It makes me sound like I care – which I do, but I don’t want him to know that. But maybe they’ve broken up, and this is Matt’s way of cheering him up? Recently, Tom and Cleo have been over here a lot. It’s like they’re inseparable, and between Matt being Tom’s best mate, and Zach and Fifi going on double dates with them, I am sick of the sight of them. The jealousy eats me up inside. Seeing them together, all over each other, hanging out in my house, with my best friends, is as horrendous as it sounds.
‘She’s visiting a friend at Leeds,’ he says. ‘She’s staying over there, rather than catching the last train.’
‘Ah, OK.’
‘Why don’t you come for a drink with us?’ Tom suggests. It seems like he’s only talking to me, until he quickly glances over at Alan. ‘Both of you.’
‘I thought you said it was a lads’ night?’ Alan says.
‘Luca can be an honorary lad,’ Tom replies with a laugh.
‘Nah, Luca already said she doesn’t want to go out this evening,’ Alan replies.
‘No, I said I didn’t want to go for a run. I’d happily go for a drink.’
Alan shoots me a look, as if to say: I told you that you drink too much.
‘Nah, don’t fancy it,’ Alan says.
‘No worries,’ Tom replies. ‘You guys coming to the food festival tomorrow?’
‘Nah, got the gym,’ Alan says.
My God, even his voice is boring.
‘Are you coming, Luca?’ Tom asks.
Now there’s an enticing thought. Going with Tom, who I’d actually have fun with, rather than going with Alan, who would just complain the whole time and try to convince me not to eat anything.
‘I know Cleo won’t mind if you hang out with us,’ he adds.
I cannot think of anything worse than hanging out with Tom and Cleo for the day.
‘Sorry,’ I say. ‘I said I’d go to the gym with Alan tomorrow.’
‘You did?’ Alan replies in disbelief.
‘I did,’ I insist, even though I absolutely didn’t. ‘You were just telling me how I need to go.’
I probably shouldn’t have made that little dig in front of Tom, but I’m still seething over it.
‘Mate, you told her she needs to go to the gym?’ Tom replies.
‘I want the best for her,’ Alan tells him. ‘And you … I’m happy to help you work on that emerging beer gut.’
I see Tom raise his eyebrows.
‘You know, I think I’m going to wait for Matt outside,’ he says, pulling himself to his feet. ‘See you around, Luca.’
‘Yeah, see you later,’ I call after him. I wait until he’s gone before ticking Alan off. ‘Alan, that was so rude.’
‘I was just trying to be helpful.’
‘No, you were being rude,’ I correct him. ‘There is absolutely nothing wrong with the way Tom looks. He’s tall, he’s fit – he’s absolutely gorgeous.’
‘Oh, well, if you’re so in love with him, why am I your boyfriend and not him?’ he snaps.
I honestly ask myself that question every single day.