‘Family meeting,’ I hear Matt shout. ‘Family meeting everyone.’
I’m currently in my bedroom, packing up my things, getting ready to move out today. I’m cutting it fine – of course I am – so I don’t really have time for a ‘family meeting’ … but I suppose, because we’re all moving out today, it might be nice.
I fold the dress in my hands before placing it in a box and heading downstairs. When I get down there, everyone else has gathered in the living room.
‘OK,’ Matt starts. ‘I know we’ve all got a lot to do, but there’s one thing we haven’t figured out … who gets the TV.’
The TV in the living room was all we could collectively afford when we moved in. We found a good deal on an already cheap TV and the six of us all put the same amount of money in for it. Now that it’s time to move out, we need to work out what to do with it.
‘Well, I’m happy with whatever,’ I say.
‘Same,’ Fifi replies.
Now it’s just down to the boys to figure out who gets it. I lean forward, to stand up, head back upstairs and finish my packing, but a voice in my head tells me to stick around and mediate.
‘The place I’m moving to already has a TV,’ Ed says. ‘So I don’t want it.’
‘I guess I’ve got my big TV in my room,’ Matt adds. He recently bought himself a new TV to watch in the privacy of his bedroom, and I won’t miss the noise that came from it at night one bit. ‘So, yeah, I’m out.’
That just leaves Zach and Clarky. They eyeball each other for a moment, waiting for the other to back down. Neither of them do.
‘Well, I think I can make a good case for why I should have it,’ Clarky announces.
‘The hell you can,’ Zach cackles.
This isn’t going to be easy.
‘Well, you can’t share it,’ Matt points out. ‘You can’t cut it in half.’
‘I’d rather cut it in half that give it to Zach,’ Clarky says.
I can’t help but roll my eyes.
‘Why doesn’t one of you buy the other one out?’ I suggest. ‘That’s kind of like splitting it.’
‘Because it’s old,’ Clarky tells me. ‘It’s not worth much now.’
‘If it’s old and worthless, why do you want it?’ Zach asks him with a grin.
‘Fine,’ Clarky says. ‘There’s only one way to settle this … we wrestle for it.’
‘Yes,’ Matt says, clapping his hands.
‘No,’ Fifi says just as quick.
‘Babe, it’s fine,’ Zach assures her. ‘He’s about as tall as one of my legs.’
‘Let’s do this,’ Clarky bellows.
I sigh. Boys never cease to amaze me. I can’t believe they are going to wrestle for an old TV. Thankfully this is my last day here with them. I’ll never have to watch them fight again. I am almost entirely relieved but, if I’m being honest, there is a small part of me that is going to miss my weird little family.
Fifi, Ed and I squash up on one sofa, lifting up our legs so that they don’t get in the way. Zach and Clarky square up to each other, with Matt standing between them, delighted to be given the job of refereeing.
‘Ladies and gentlemen the following contest is scheduled for one fall,’ Matt announces in a faux American accent. ‘And it is for our crappy old TV. Introducing first, all the way from Glasgow, 6'1", weighing in at 195 lbs … Zach Anderson.’
‘Woo,’ Fifi cheers. At first, it seemed like she was dead against this fight, but now she seems more than happy to stand by her man.
‘Introducing the challenger, the Scouse Mouse himself, standing at 5'6" tall weighing in at 98 lbs soaking wet … Mark “Clarky” Clarkson.’
‘Whoop,’ Ed says unenthusiastically.
Clarky bounces around on the spot. I’m no expert but doing that, with his fists in the air, seems more like boxing to me.
‘Nothing in the face,’ Zach adds, a little too late.
Clarky reaches up to grab Zach’s head but can’t reach, so Zach gets him in a headlock. For a minute, the two of them just hold this position, Clarky trying to struggle free, Zach refusing to let him.
This is honestly the worst excuse for a wrestling match I’ve ever seen, and I went through a WWF phase when I was 11. No one is doing anything, they’re just holding each other in a really awkward way.
‘Just let me pin you and it will be all over,’ Zach says.
‘Never,’ Clarky replies, his voice sounding all kinds of weird from his neck being squashed.
‘Do something,’ Matt yells passionately. ‘Come on.’
Something does happen. I’m not sure what, but the two of them move all at once, crashing into Matt, before the three of them fall into the TV stand. The TV falls off and, on its way to the ground, the screen hits the corner of the big, black TV stand.
‘Well, that settles that,’ Ed laughs. ‘No one gets it, it’s knackered.’
‘It might still be OK,’ Clarky says rushing to his feet.
‘Maybe,’ Zach replies. ‘Either way, there’s no shame in losing.’
‘No, there’s no shame in losing at all.’
Oh God, from the tone of their voices, it sounds like they both think they won.
‘I’ll still take it,’ Zach says. ‘Maybe it can be fixed.’
‘You won’t,’ Clarky tells him. ‘I won.’
‘No, you didn’t,’ Zach says. ‘I wiped you out, mate.’
‘No, I dragged you down.’
Zach scoffs.
They both turn to Matt, the referee, as he climbs up from the floor, rubbing his shoulder.
‘I have no idea,’ he says. ‘One minute nothing was happening, the next we were on the floor.’
‘Oh, for God’s sake,’ Fifi says. ‘Are we really arguing over who won a rubbish fight to win a broken TV?’
‘Yes,’ they both reply in unison.
‘We’ve got bigger problems,’ Ed points out. ‘Look.’
He points at the TV stand. On the corner, where the TV hit, the black coating has chipped, revealing the wood colour underneath.
‘That came with the house,’ she says. ‘We won’t get our deposit back.’
‘Shit,’ Matt says. ‘He texted me earlier, said he’d be over this afternoon to inspect the place. He could be here any minute.’
‘Really?’ Clarky replies. ‘I was really hoping I’d be gone by the time he got here, my room is an absolute tip.’
‘You’re supposed to clean it,’ I tell him.
‘Alright, Mum,’ he laughs.
‘No, I mean you’re actually supposed to clean it, if you want your deposit back,’ I remind him.
‘It’s no big deal, the deposit wasn’t even that much. Plus, you still all owe me for your share,’ he replies.
‘Wait, do you think you paid all of our deposits?’ Fifi asks him.
‘Yeah?’
‘Mate.’ Matt laughs. ‘That was just yours, and you won’t get it back unless you tidy your room.’
‘I think we’re all in trouble, unless we fix the TV stand,’ Fi points out.
‘I hope you two are happy,’ Ed ticks the boys off.
They both sheepishly look at their shoes.
‘I have an idea,’ I say, before dashing up to my room, grabbing a black Sharpie marker from my desk and hurrying back.
I dab the pen on the wood and, before you know it, you can only tell it’s damaged if you look really, really closely.
‘That one of your eyeliners?’ Clarky jokes.
‘Charming,’ I say. ‘I’m fixing your mistake, and that’s the thanks I get.’
‘Thank you,’ he says quietly.
I smile. ‘And now, we need to fix your room.’
‘Really?’ he says, with a hopeful smile.
‘My God,’ Ed scoffs. ‘We have literally spent the whole year cleaning up after you.’
Clarky’s face falls.
‘But I suppose we’ve all cleaned up after each other anyway, so what’s one more job.’
‘And it won’t take us long, if we all pitch in,’ Fi adds.
‘Yeah, why not,’ Matt chimes in.
The only person left is Zach.
‘I’ll do it … if I get the TV,’ he says.
‘Not a chance,’ Clarky replies.
I roll my eyes. I only need to be patient with Clarky for a couple more hours, and then none of this will be my problem anymore.
‘You know,’ I start, ‘your deposit is actually worth more than a broken TV.’
‘I know, Luca, I’m not an idiot … but my pride is worth more,’ he replies.
I leave him to think it over for a second.
‘OK, sure, Zach can have the rubbish old TV, I’ll take the money,’ he eventually says.
I don’t point out to him that this isn’t a game show, and that on top of the TV Zach will be getting his deposit back too. Instead, we all grab cleaning products and plastic bags and head up to Clarky’s room to help him get it in a fit state for inspection.
As poor Fifi braves the bathroom, I get to work cleaning out the junk under his bed. Zach is vacuuming, Matt is dusting, and Ed and Clarky are packing up the last on his things, into the flimsy cardboard boxes he’s attempting to use to move. Together, we get the room clean in a flash, long before our landlord comes over to check it.
Suddenly, the thought of moving on with my life terrifies me. I like living here, with these weirdos. I know how to handle the problems we have here but, out in the real world, I’m not sure I’m going to know what the hell I’m doing.
‘I actually think I’m going to miss you all,’ I blurt.
‘I’m glad someone said it,’ Matt says. ‘I’ve been thinking it too.’
‘We’ll all keep in touch, right?’ Fifi says.
‘Of course,’ I tell her.
‘This is getting bit mushy for me,’ Clarky complains, pretending to stick his fingers down his throat.
‘We love you too, man,’ Zach tells him. ‘Even if you lose fights.’
‘Erm, I won,’ Clarky insists. ‘But … same.’
I don’t think we’re good at this sort of thing. I think that, if we’ve learned one thing during our time living together this past year, it’s that none of us are very good at expressing our feelings.
One thing I know for sure though is that even if it doesn’t always seem like it, and even if we lose touch, we’ll be friends forever. Five years, ten years, fifteen years … it doesn’t matter, I know that meeting up with these guys will be like slipping on an old pair of jeans. You might not wear them anymore but, when you try them on again, you remember how right it felt.
I’ve spent the past few months convinced that I lost my chance at true love, but maybe I found it after all … just with this bunch of misfits.