A lot can go right in golf, but a lot can go wrong. The former rarely gets any attention, but the latter can lead to serious consternation, bad language, and ultimately, after the passage of several months, good dinnertime storytelling and plenty of hearty belly laughs. Though very little is certain in the golf world, it’s totally certain that some type of golf disaster will happen to you, usually at the time you least expect it. It’s not a question of if, but when; and how, as an intelligent golfer, you deal with the disaster is a measure of your enjoyment of the game and your understanding of the subtle nuances of golf etiquette.
Disaster: You have a bad day and run out of golf balls on the thirteenth hole.
Acceptable Reaction: Politely ask a playing partner for some extras. Do everything you can to keep those balls in play. At the end of the round, go to the golf shop and buy a dozen of the type of ball that your playing partner uses. Do not return the ones your playing partner gave you. Later that day, organize golf lessons, and next time bring more golf balls.
Disaster: You walk in your playing partner’s line on the green.
Acceptable Reaction: Say, “I’m sorry, Jack; I just realized I walked in your line.” Then concede the putt.
Disaster: You invite a guest to your club, and he or she proceeds to use a cell phone early and often.
Acceptable Reaction: You might want to pry the phone or device from your guest’s clutches and hurl the offending device into orbit. But resist this temptation. Instead, after your guest has finished the call, ask him or her politely to turn it off. Most clubs have strict policies regarding the use of electronic devices on the golf course.
Some troubleshooting is often in order before you invite a guest, for it’s often a mistake to think that your guests will automatically know your club policies. When you issue the invitation, you may wish to say something like, “Dennis, it’s going to be great to see you at Lavender Hills on Tuesday. Our tee time is 2:10. You might want to know that the club is pretty strict about the dress code and also prohibits the use of cell phones and similar devices. That’s just the way it is at the club. If you have any questions, feel free to ask, or there’s a page on the club’s Web site that has all the information.”
Disaster: Something comes up, and you have to cancel your round.
Acceptable Reaction: Call your playing partners and let them know. If they cannot play either, call the golf shop and let them know that you will not be there. Few things anger a golf professional more than golfers not showing up for a tee time without calling to cancel.
Disaster: Your girlfriend or wife says that she wants to play golf with you but has never played before. And she wants to play with you today.
Acceptable Reaction: This is a potentially tricky situation but not necessarily a disaster. Your first reaction should be one of joy. Men with girlfriends or wives who play and enjoy the game are fortunate. However, you must explain that she will have to take lessons and attend some clinics before she can play at a busy time on the golf course. Explain that you will be happy to organize lessons and beginner’s clinics and that you will take her out to the golf course frequently when it’s less crowded. If you get a tantrum or other negative reaction, it’s not your fault. Go to the golf course, and spend some extra time warming up.
Disaster: You get stuck behind the slowest group on the face of the planet, and they are not letting you through.
Acceptable Reaction: If the club or resort has a marshal, the marshal may recognize the problem and seek to sort it out. Do not call the golf shop with your cell phone; this is not a medical emergency. If you see the marshal, politely inform him or her of the problem. The intelligent golfer does not yell at the group in front, wave his arms wildly, or hit into them. If the course does not have a marshal, stop in the golf shop, if possible, after nine holes and politely and quietly let the professional know that a group is holding up play. Unfortunately, in some instances, there is just nothing you can do.
Disaster: You discover, on the first green, that you do not have a pitch mark repair tool.
Acceptable Reaction: Ask your playing partners if they have a spare one. Do this before resorting to using a tee, which is a generally poor tool for fixing a pitch mark.
Disaster: You are playing on a wet golf course and discover that the ball is muddy even though it’s in the fairway.
Acceptable Reaction: Unless the club or resort has indicated at the beginning of the round that you can “lift, clean, and place” the ball, play the ball as it lies.
Disaster: You hit a wonderful drive, and the ball ends up in a divot.
Acceptable Reaction: Play the ball as it lies.
Disaster: Your playing partners start using lines from Caddyshack, and you feel left out because you haven’t seen the movie.
Acceptable Reaction: Buy the DVD and watch the movie twenty-five times in fifty days.
Disaster: While addressing the ball, you think that you may have accidentally touched it even though it may not have moved or even oscillated.
Acceptable Reaction: Count what happened as a stroke.
Disaster: You left your golf cart and got to your ball in the fairway only to discover that you have a 5-iron when what you really need is a 7-iron.
Acceptable Reaction: Do not go back to the golf cart. “Choke down” on the club and hit the shot. Next time, take two or three clubs with you or, better still, walk the course.
Disaster: You are playing with someone you know or don’t know, and that person is a smoker who tosses cigarette butts on the ground.
Acceptable Reaction: Quietly say, away from the others in your group, “I respectfully ask that you respect the golf course and the hard-working people who look after it; please dispose of your cigarette butts properly.”
Disaster: You are playing a serious (or even not-so-serious) match, and you are unsure of a rule or a ruling.
Acceptable Reaction: Give your opponent the benefit of the doubt, but never give yourself the benefit of the doubt.
Disaster: You are playing with some people you know but have not necessarily played golf with yet. At the beginning of the round, you agree to what you think is a low-stakes friendly wager just to keep the game interesting. At about the fourteenth tee, you realize that you and your partner are down hundreds of dollars and the most you have ever played for is around two dollars.
Acceptable Reaction: Play your best golf from this point on! If you lose, pay up. In the future, pay close attention to the stakes and the handicaps, and decline to get involved if you are not a big gambler.
Disaster: You miss the fairway from the tee and get to your ball to discover that it’s very close to the out-of-bounds stakes, which are white. Upon further inspection, you discover that the ball is right on the line.
Acceptable Reaction: If you are playing a match, double-check with your opponent. In golf, the ball must be totally over the line to be out of bounds. But remember that the line extends from the interior of the stakes and that the line itself is out of bounds.
Disaster: Nature calls and you are nowhere near the official rest stop.
Acceptable Reaction: Nature is nature; if you can postpone the inevitable, all the better. But many courses are not blessed with a surfeit of appropriate facilities, so you might have to go to “Plan B.” In this case, simply do everything you can to find a spot that is well out of view—although this can be particularly difficult at a course ringed with homes.
Everyone breaks the rules of golf etiquette from time to time—usually mistakenly, unwittingly, or out of nascent ignorance. The intelligent golfer understands this and does not get too haughty or high-minded about such lapses since such an attitude would undoubtedly detract from the enjoyment of the game.