Anthony turned the key to the lock on his apartment door. The stale air wafted toward him as he turned the knob and pushed the door open. He reached down to pick up his suitcase, placed it inside the room and then shut the door behind him.
It had been three long weeks since he’d been in his own place. He had spent the better part of 4 months staying at his mother’s, but with the recent events, it was no longer safe to stay there. The past few days he’d spent at the Fairbanks Hotel. A secluded little resort hotel, the Fairbanks was well off the beaten path and provided enough seclusion to lay low.
Anthony had been lying low all right. Two straight days of self-medication (steady doses of rum, vodka, and whatever other alcohol he could get his hands on) didn’t do enough to make him feel any better. Finally after the third day, he decided that he needed to confront the choices he’d made and attempt to make amends where he could. So, he packed up his things and returned to the city.
He threw the suitcases on his bed, still disheveled from his last night here over 3 weeks ago. Propping them open, he started unpacking. With an armful of clothes, he turned toward the closet and caught an image in the mirror on the dresser beside him. A brief moment of panic hit him as he thought he saw a stranger staring back at him, but he quickly realized that the stranger was his own reflection. He had barely eaten in the past three days and the only sleep he’d achieved was the result of his alcoholic over-indulgence.
His exhausted and nerve-wracked mind had been playing tricks on him quite frequently. Every time his phone rang, he visualized his father’s name on the caller ID. Twice he’d thought he’d seen Carmen following him through the lobby of the hotel while he was getting ready to leave. He knew it was all in his head, but he still had to remind himself of that fact.
He dropped the clothes and walked toward the dresser, looking at the person before him in the mirror. Staring down his reflection, he leaned on the dresser and said, “What the fuck???” The reflection offered no answer.
He repeated his query, “What the fuck?” and rubbed his face in his hands.
“That’s a good question.”
Anthony jumped and turned toward the voice. At first he thought it was his mind playing another trick, but when Carmen walked through the doorway of his bedroom toward him, he realized this was no hallucination. He stood flabbergasted against his dresser. He couldn’t move. He tried to speak, but while his mouth moved, nothing came out. Dressed in a dark overcoat and black heels, Carmen stopped mid-way into the room.
“That’s okay, Anthony. I think it’s best if I do the talking right now.”
Stunned, Anthony managed to turn away from his sister and faced the mirror once again. Carmen slowly approached him and stood just to his side.
Addressing his reflection, she spoke, “For three days I have tried to wrap my mind around what happened at the pub.” Her voice was eerily calm and almost soothing. “In fact, I wonder if part of you wanted to kill me.”
Anthony raised his head and tried to say something, but Carmen put her hand up, “No, I’ll do the talking.” She glided around behind him to his other shoulder. His tired eyes followed her in the mirror.
“You know,” she continued, “I felt horrible that day at Mother’s when you screamed at me and stormed off. I thought I had betrayed you. But, the more I thought about it, the more I wondered if that was possible.” She cocked her head quizzically, and paced behind him again like a parent lecturing a child for poor grades. “I mean, you can’t betray someone if you don’t owe them anything, right?” She turned her head to look at Anthony through the mirror. Anthony hung his head in response.
“You can’t betray someone who doesn’t trust you, right?” Carmen paused, waiting for an answer she knew wasn’t coming. “...And that’s when I realized that whatever sense of obligation I had to you was gone. If you really loved me, if you really cared for me, it wouldn’t matter who I was dating, just as long as I was happy.” Her eyes still held that soft, caring look as they peered into the reflected Anthony. “That’s how I felt about you, anyway.”
Anthony’s eyes began to well up. “Carmen, if you’ve come here to make me feel guilty, believe me, I do. I’m so sorry. I don’t know – “
“I’m not finished,” Carmen interrupted, spinning on her heels to resume her pacing behind Anthony. “I’m not here to make you feel guilty. And frankly, I don’t care what you say about the other night. I imagine you are more scared than guilt-ridden.” Opposite an oversized lounger next to the dresser, she stopped pacing and faced Anthony. She extended her hand, “Please, have a seat.”
Anthony, still stunned by his sister’s presence, cautiously moved toward the chair. He slowly lowered himself into it as Carmen took his place next to the dresser and leaned against it.
“Did Frank like meeting Jesse?”
Anthony’s head shot up to look at Carmen. His eyes were a whirlwind of questions. “Huh? ... Wha?... He – he told you?” Anthony started to shift nervously in the chair, his eyes looking away from Carmen searching for answers. “He promised he wouldn’t say anything to anyone... Wha- what did he tell you?” His frightened and confused face re-focused on Carmen.
Carmen’s polite, nurturing expression turned decidedly indifferent as she remarked off-handedly, “Well, he actually called me to ask why I would set you up like that.”
Anthony’s face turned ashen. For a moment, Carmen thought that Anthony might pass out right there in the chair. He certainly didn’t look up to receiving this kind of shock. Carmen actually found herself slightly enjoying his misery. When Anthony regained what little control he could, he asked his sister, “Why would you do that to me?”
The tears forming in his eyes were no longer caused by the pain and anguish he thought he had inflicted upon his sister; they were now a result of the fear and pain he was experiencing himself.
“I was angry, Anthony. But you should know all about that. I mean, when you were angry, you almost killed me.”
The reality hit him like a brick.
“I’m not defending what I did,” she explained, “But, I think it certainly quantifies as a bit less extreme than your reaction.”
Anthony started to rise from his seat, but Carmen swiftly moved in front of him and pressed him back down with a hand to his shoulder.
“Oh no. You don’t get to run away from this, Brother.” Her voice had transitioned from indifferent to simply cold. “I honestly felt guilty about sending Frank to catch your little rendezvous. I really did.” She removed her hand from his shoulder and placed both hands behind her back as she looked down upon him. “But then you upped the ante with your scene the other night, and I really lost all the compassion I had for you.”
“Fuck you, Carmen,” Anthony almost spat at his sister yet kept his gaze lowered to the floor.
Carmen’s eyebrows rose at his response. She noticed the lack of force behind them, almost as if he was being indignant in defeat. “Well now, dear brother, that doesn’t make me want to forgive you. But, I think we are beyond forgiveness. We are well into retribution now.”
She reached into the pocket of the overcoat she was wearing and pulled out a folded piece of paper. Standing before him, she placed the paper on the arm Anthony’s chair. She then turned and walked to the bed, taking a seat on its corner.
“Take a look at that,” she calmly commanded, nodding at the paper. Anthony moved deliberately and slowly unfolded the piece of paper. Opening it, he saw a picture of a well-groomed, older gentleman receiving some plaque.
“So?” The sound of defeat was heavy in his voice.
“That man there is my boss, Mike Vaughn,” she explained. “He is a very, very well-known financial manager who has a dirty little secret that I need to exploit.” Though he never raised his head, Carmen could tell that Anthony was confused. “And you’re going to help me.”
A few seconds of silence passed between the siblings. Then, Anthony placed the photo back on the arm of the chair and stood up slowly. “I’m not playing your game, Carmen. I’m not.” The indignation in his voice was the only thing he could muster. “You may not believe me, but I am truly sorry for what happened at the pub the other night. I would never intentionally hurt you. I mean that.” The indignation started to falter and his words began to sound like a plea. “If you want to be with Vincent, that’s fine. I may never like the guy, but if he makes you happy and keeps you safe, I can live with it.” His plea finally drifted into simple surrender. “And I forgive you for setting me up. It hurts to know that my little sister could do that to me, but for the past three days, whenever I started to sober up, I thought about the things I’ve done that I’m ashamed of. And a lot of them involved the way I’ve treated you the last couple of months.” His shoulders, and really, his entire body, slumped as he continued. “I’ve lived in a very dark place for a very long time, and I don’t want to be angry anymore. I don’t want to do things I will regret anymore.” Finally, he raised his head and looked right into his sister’s eyes, “So, no, Carmen, I’m not doing it.”
Carmen had truly not expected her brother to be so rational in his state of mind. She was actually surprised at how genuine and resolute he sounded in his speech. But, she also had one more ace in the hole.
Looking back up at her brother, her hands folded calmly in her lap, she said, “Anthony, I understand. I really do.” Her voice carried a heart-felt tone of compassion, “And I think it’s really wonderful that you want to get to a better place in your life and not hurt anyone anymore.”
She pushed herself up off the corner of the bed and walked up to her brother. Standing just a foot away from him, even in heels, she was still 4 inches shorter than he. Yet, there was no question who was the dominant person in the room. “But, how do you think Mother will react when she finds out her son is a queer?”
Anthony tried to stand firm, but his face started to quiver. It wasn’t just the word that sent a shiver through his spine; it was the way Carmen’s eyes told him she was dead serious. As defiantly as he could, he turned from her and walked to the dresser. “I don’t care, Carmen. I’ll tell her myself if that makes you feel better. But, I’m done with this.”
Carmen reached into another pocket of her overcoat and pulled out her phone. Holding it out to Anthony, she challenged him, “Call her then. I’m sure with everything that’s going on right now she would love to hear about how her big, tough, macho son, who has been staying with her to protect her, is really a soft little fag.” She let a slight smile crawl across her lips as she looked at the back of Anthony’s head. “I’m sure she doesn’t have enough on her plate right now while she’s trying to hang on to what Dad saved for us. I’m sure she can handle the stress of worrying about what Dad’s business partners and contacts will think when it comes out that our family business may be turned over to a queen.” She could see Anthony’s posture shrink as she spoke. “Yes. I’m sure she’ll be fine with all that.”
Anthony begrudgingly turned toward Carmen. When he finally faced her, Carmen threw the phone at him. Staring at the phone for a few seconds, Carmen urged him on, “Go on! Call her...” His hand trembled as he held the phone before him. He slid his thumb over the screen to activate it, but as the screen glowed back up at him, he shuddered and quickly dropped his hands. He hung his head while his arm limply tossed the phone onto the bed.
“What happened to you?” Anthony asked his sister as he continued to look at his feet.
Carmen looked at him and evenly said, “I learned from those who love me.”
Anthony shuffled to the bed and slumped down on its edge. “What do I need to do?”
“Nothing you haven’t done before.”