THE SOUND OF cold reality woke Thad early the next morning.
His cell phone.
With a groan he rolled over and stretched an arm out to grab his phone from the nightstand, painfully aware of the patch of cold mattress beside him where Emma had been earlier. He peeked open an eye and saw a hastily scrawled sticky note stuck on her pillow saying, “Thanks for last night. Call you later,” followed by a string of x’s and o’s. His heart gave a little pinch and his lips twitched into a smile.
So sweet, my Emma.
Thad bolted up in bed, now fully awake, and not just because he was on call that day. Damn. When the hell had he begun having...feelings...for Emma? Beyond desire, beyond attraction. Beyond anything he’d felt for anyone in a long, long time and far more dangerous than he’d ever intended. Lo—
Buzz. Buzz. Buzz.
His phone kept him from finishing that last word, thank goodness. Because Thad Markson was not a man who fell head over heels. Oh no. He was far too precise and orderly and career-focused for that. And not even someone as kind and lovely and sexy and perfect as Emma Trudeau would change him.
Maybe she already has...
Dammit. His orderly universe had been rocked and for once in his life, he wanted to ignore the call, but couldn’t. Duty called. Literally.
Scowling, he hit the answer button on the phone and tossed the covers aside, padding across the room to the attached master bath as he spoke. “Dr. Markson.” The woman from the after-hours service gave him the rundown on the case as he raked his fingers through his disheveled hair and stared at his reflection in the mirror. “I’ll be there in half an hour. Have them prep an OR and take the patient up.”
He ended the call and hopped in the shower, then quickly shaved and dressed. The patient was one he’d seen in the ER the week before—an elderly woman named Lovelace. She’d returned to Manhattan West last night complaining of chest pain and sudden shortness of breath. They’d been running tests on her since, thinking it might be related to her heart failure, but Thad disagreed. Given the woman’s history, he suspected a pulmonary embolism, which could be life-threatening if not handled quickly and properly. He exited his bedroom and called for Everett as he descended the stairs toward the kitchen. “I need to go in to the hospital. Emergency case. Can you have the driver meet me out front, please?”
“Certainly, sir,” Everett said, already waiting for him with hot coffee, oatmeal with fresh berries, and an early edition of the financial newspaper on a tray for Thad. The older man set it all on the island’s granite countertop, then turned to walk out of the kitchen.
That’s when Thad noticed the slightly grayish pallor to his butler’s complexion. Given it was predawn, it could be the early hour, but Thad was still concerned. His closest confidant wasn’t a spring chicken anymore. “Everything all right, Everett? You look unwell today.”
“Fine, sir. Fine,” the older man said, waving off Thad’s worry. “Bit of insomnia, that’s all. I’ll alert the driver of your impending departure.”
Thad stared at the empty doorway a moment longer before turning his attention to his breakfast. His insulin pump and sensor were both waterproof, meaning he could wear them in the shower, which was great. But the hot water did cause his body to absorb his insulin more quickly, so it was important for him to keep his blood sugar regulated now. Plus, if he had to take the Lovelace patient into surgery, which he suspected he would, he may not have a chance to eat again for a while.
He quickly paged through the stock reports, but his focus was elsewhere. Mainly on Emma and the blissful night they’d spent together. It had been amazing, being with her like that. Their chemistry was off the charts, and they’d been so in sync, like two pieces of the same puzzle, almost knowing what the other needed before they said anything.
Baxter came up and nudged Thad’s leg with his nose, tail wagging and tongue lolling. Thad smiled down at him and bent to scratch the dog behind his ears. “Hey, boy. Good morning to you, too.”
“The car is ready for you, sir,” Everett said, reappearing the doorway.
“Thank you.” Thad finished the rest of his food and coffee fast, then stood. “I should be home for dinner tonight. Usual time.”
“Very good, sir,” Everett said, then turned away to cough.
“Are you sure you’re all right?” Thad stopped next to the butler and put a hand on the older man’s shoulder. “Do I need to examine you? Maybe you’re coming down with something?”
“No, sir. Really,” Everett said, holding up his hand. “It’s just a cold. Nothing to worry about.”
Thad watched his old friend closely for a moment, then nodded. “Call me if you change your mind.”
“Yes, sir.” The butler helped Thad into his coat, then held the door for him as he exited, waving from the top of the stoop. “Good day, sir.”
Even early in the morning the Manhattan traffic was busy. Once he was in the back of the car, racing toward the hospital, his focus usually turned to the case ahead, the work he needed to do. But today, Emma overwhelmed his thoughts. Unexpected and unsettling. Part of him wished they’d woken up together, maybe stayed in bed a while and talked, enjoyed each other’s company. But the other part of him knew that was both impractical and impossible. Impractical because he had to work. So did she. If he remembered correctly, she’d mentioned having a shift today in the ER. Impossible because regardless of the strange feelings he had toward her and the odd way he kept imagining what a future between them might look like, there was no way it could ever happen.
Sleeping together was nice. Way more than nice, actually. Amazing. But that’s all it could ever be. What he’d told Emma about him not doing relationships still stood, even after their wonderful night together. And soon enough, Emma would realize what Thad had known all along. She deserved more than him. Deserved better than a grouchy recluse with serious boundary issues. She was sunshine and he was darkness. She saw the positive in everything, the good. She trusted people. He kept everyone at bay and trusted no one.
They were too different for it to ever work between them long-term.
Even if Emma had made him want to forget reality for a little while.
“I’ll be waiting right here for you, Ms. Lovelace, when you get out. Promise,” Emma said, holding the elderly woman’s hand as they walked down the hall toward the OR. “And I’ll check with social services, too, to see what we can do about help for you while you recover. Don’t worry about a thing. Just get better.”
“I’m here. Let’s get the patient prepped,” a familiar deep voice said, causing a shiver of awareness down Emma’s spine. She looked up to see Thad join the group of people flanking the gurney. His hair was a bit mussed, and his scrub top was on slightly crooked, but he still looked gorgeous to her. Their eyes caught from across the gurney and despite the situation, she couldn’t help smiling at him.
Something flickered through his icy eyes—warm and comforting—before those too-familiar walls slammed back into place and his usual brusque demeanor returned. She should have been used to it by now, but after the intimacy they’d shared the previous night, her stomach still sank a little.
She returned to focus on the patient instead, who was gripping her hand like a lifeline. “Don’t worry, Ms. Lovelace. There is no surgeon more capable in this city than Dr. Markson to handle your case. He’s the best.”
They hit the double doors into the OR then and Emma halted while the rest of them went through. Thad glanced up at her once more, their eyes locking briefly again before the doors closed and she was left alone in the now-silent hall.
Rather than wait for the elevator, she took the stairs, figuring the exercise would do her good and help keep her alert. To say she hadn’t gotten much sleep last night would be an understatement, but she wouldn’t have changed it at all. Dating and sex for her had been luxuries ever since she’d taken her sister in ten years ago. Between her busy schedule at work and handling a teenager, there wasn’t much time for Emma to focus on herself and her needs. Usually, it didn’t bother her. Flings and quickies here and there. No strings, no attachments. No real disruptions to the life she’d built for herself and Karley.
But then along came Thad. A man who many feared or loathed, but Emma found to be a squishy marshmallow beneath his arctic snowman exterior. Sure, he could be difficult and prickly and sometimes downright wrong, but couldn’t everyone? She was an optimist, yes, but Emma wasn’t naive. She knew trying to do any sort of normal “dating” with Thad would be hard with the weird obstacles they face—location, time, social circles—but still. The connection they had was strong, and rare, and Emma wasn’t ready to consign it to the quickie pile just yet. They needed to talk about things once they had a moment in their busy days. Yep.
But that moment was a long time coming unfortunately. Because while Emma had been upstairs with Ms. Lovelace, apparently there’d been a gas leak in a building nearby and now the ER was running nonstop with all the new patients flooding in from that. Emma kicked into high gear, efficiently triaging patients into those who needed admits versus those who could be treated and released. The fact that they were chronically short-staffed didn’t help either.
By the time they got the trauma rooms cleared and she had a chance to take a breather, it was afternoon. Emma clocked out and headed to the employee break room in the back of the ER to grab a bottled water. Then she checked with the OR to discover Ms. Lovelace was out of surgery and recovering well in the ICU, though still heavily sedated. She wouldn’t wake up until the morning, so Emma didn’t plan to go up and see her until then.
Back aching, she slumped into a chair in the otherwise empty break room and took a sip of her water. Her lack of sleep the night before was catching up with her now. She checked her smartwatch. Five more minutes of rest before she needed to go back. She closed her eyes just for a second, only to be awakened by that low, familiar voice again.
“You look tired,” Thad said from the break room entrance, one shoulder leaned against the doorframe.
Emma opened on eye to peer at him. “So do you.”
Which wasn’t exactly true. Where she felt harried and probably looked a mess, Thad was back to his crisp, perfect, chilly self again. His hair combed and his pristine white lab coat in place over fresh blue scrubs. How a man could look that good after making love all night, then spending the morning in surgery, she had no clue. The only signs at all of his fatigue were the slight shadows beneath his eyes, but most people wouldn’t notice because most people avoided making eye contact with him for fear he’d go Grinch on them. Not Emma, though. Not anymore.
“You should go home,” he said, pushing away from the doorframe to walk over to her table. “You can’t get sick now. We’ve got too much to do for the carnival.”
She yawned, then smiled. “I’m on until five. And I’m not going to get sick. Don’t worry. I wouldn’t leave you in a lurch. Sit down and share the last—” she checked her watch again “—two minutes of my break with me.”
He sighed, then sank into the chair across from her. “Emma, about last night...”
Oh boy. Those words were never good. She straightened and clenched her water bottle tighter than necessary. “Thad, now really isn’t a good time. Maybe we can meet up later, where we’d have more privacy?”
A small muscle ticked near his tense jaw as he gave a curt nod. “I just... I’ve been thinking a lot about us.”
“Me, too.” Honestly, she hadn’t really stopped thinking about them. Maybe they could try to make this last if they were both willing.
His dark brows drew together. “I don’t know what we’re doing, Emma. None of this makes logical sense.”
“I see.” She shouldn’t be disappointed, because it wasn’t like he hadn’t told her up front he didn’t do relationships, but yet she was. This time had felt different for her. She thought it might be the same for Thad, too. Still, she tried to play down the growing sting of hurt inside her. “It doesn’t have to make sense. We’re two consenting adults who had a good time last night. That’s all. I like you, Thad. I thought you liked me, too.”
“I do like you, Emma.” He looked at her then, his gaze panicked. “More than I should. More than I intended. And that’s a problem for me because I don’t do that sort of thing. I told you that.” Thad licked his lips, his posture rigid. “I don’t want you to get hurt, Emma. Do you understand?”
Emma watched him for a moment, frowning. “I’m a big girl, Thad. I can take care of myself. You won’t—”
“But I will,” he said, cutting her off, his tone taking on a desperate edge now. “I will hurt you, Emma. Eventually. Because I can’t be what you need. I’m no good. I’m distant and aloof. I hate going to parties and being social. I prefer my quiet office and my dog to most people. That isn’t the kind of life you want, is it? Isolated. Alone. People hurrying away when they see you coming. Because that’s what it would be like with me, and you deserve better.”
“Thad, come on.” Emma tried to reach over and take his hand, but he pulled away. She sat back and crossed her arms. “Look, I know you had a hard time with your father. I know you’ve got demons you’re dealing with from the way he treated you. But we all have things we deal with. People can change if they want to. And I know that’s not who you are inside. I’ve seen the real you, Thad, and you’re wonderful.”
“No, I’m not.” He stood, his voice vehement now. “I’m not wonderful. You see what you want to see. You only see the good in others, Emma. But the truth is, the only good thing about me is my surgical abilities. Without those, I’m nothing. Therefore, my work always has and always will come first. It’s the most important thing for me and there’s no room for anything else. I’m not good for anything else.”
Wow. Stunned, Emma just blinked at him. His father’s lies had left scars even deeper than she’d realized. She cursed the dead man and how he’d made his son think so little of himself and what he had to give the world. Thad was amazing, both in and out of the operating room, but if he didn’t believe it himself, there was no way she could convince him otherwise.
Her smartwatch beeped, meaning her break was over. She took a deep breath and stood, pushing her chair in. “I have to go. We should talk about this more later. I’ll text you when I’m done working and maybe we can meet up later.”
“No.” He crossed his arms, staring at the floor instead of her. “I don’t think there’s anything more to discuss about us. We should stick to the carnival plans from now on.”
She closed her eyes and counted to ten before opening them again, surprised hurt scorching through her usually sunny outlook. Thad wasn’t the only one who’d taken a chance last night. Up until now, Emma had steered clear of romantic entanglements, far too busy with work and focusing on her sister and getting promoted than love. And while she liked Thad—more than liked him, if she was honest—she was just as scared and uncertain of how quickly things had intensified between them. Sleeping with a man was one thing. Opening her heart and her past to him, as she had with Thad, was another. But if he couldn’t see that or didn’t value it, she refused to beg. “Fine. If that’s what you want. Perhaps we should avoid face-to-face meetings then. Stick with texts and phone calls from here on out. We should be able to get the carnival finished that way.”
“Yes. It is what I want, and I think your idea is a good one.” He let out a slow breath, looked relieved. “I’m glad you understand.”
“Actually, I don’t.” She shook her head. “But if you don’t trust me enough to work through this, then there’s no point.”
“Em—”
“Stop,” she interrupted, holding up her hand. “I need to work now. But let me end by saying I like you, Thad. A lot. And I thought last night was amazing. I’d like to explore that more with you. But you obviously don’t so, fine, end of story.”
He opened his mouth, as if to argue, then hung his head. “You can do better than me.”
She nodded, projecting confidence even though she was crumbling inside. “You’re right. I can.”
She left the break room, and damn if those weren’t some of the hardest steps she’d ever had to take. Because that connection between her and Thad still burned bright, urging her to go back and hug him, tell him that he was good, that there was hope, even though she knew there wasn’t. He’d made his decision and there was no point arguing. Change happened fast and the best you could do was ride it out and try to keep your head above water. Emma knew that better than most. She’d lived it for the past ten years and survived. She should’ve known better than to veer out of the happy lane she was in.
Well, no more. If Thad was satisfied playing the Grinch of Fifth Avenue, then let him. She had more than enough to keep her busy. She had the carnival to plan for Ricky. She had Ms. Lovelace upstairs who needed her. She had Karley at home. She had a promotion to win here in the ER.
But what she didn’t have was Thad Markson. And right then, he was the only thing that mattered.