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“OKAY, CHAR, HAVE A seat,” said Shane, gesturing toward the chair across from his desk. “Let’s see the list.”
“Here you go,” said Charlotte. She’d typed it up and printed a copy for both herself and her boss, so they could go over it together without having to share.
“Do you want a piece of candy?” Shane asked, passing her a dish of individually wrapped peanut butter cups.
“No thanks.”
“Watching your figure? Good for you. Now, let’s see what you came up with. Idea one: ‘Offer employees the option to work from home one day each week.’ Is that some kind of sick joke?”
“No, not at all. I just thought that since most O’Leery Snowboards’ employees are expected to work at least fifty hours per week, they might appreciate it if ten of those hours were in the comfort of their own home.”
“Charlotte, Charlotte, Charlotte. You’re a softie, I see. That’s honorable. Sweet. But it’s not realistic. Do you really think people sitting at home are going to work? Get real, kiddo. They’ll be laying on their backs, eating pints of ice cream, watching television. How’d it go with the gun permit people?”
“They said we’re not properly zoned for a shooting range. Something about the proximity to daycares, schools, major roads, and wildlife refuges. What do you think of idea two?”
Shane Letcher unwrapped some peanut butter cups and shoveled them into his mouth. “Hmmmphh,” he said while chewing. “You think we should give everyone a raise? Ha! Ain’t gonna happen. Number three: Offer more than two paid sick days per year? I already do that. I mean, technically and legally, I do.” He winked at Charlotte. “Not that anyone would dare try to take more than two. They know what’ll happen if they try.” He scanned Charlotte’s last three ideas, which included offering an additional week of paid vacation, installing a carousel in the empty two-story conference room at the west end of the building, and her sister’s idea of installing a Tide-scented zip line through the parking lot.
“See anything on the list that resonates with you?” Charlotte asked.
Shane Letcher flipped the list over, as if the back might have some more suggestions. Seeing it was blank, he wadded it up and tossed it across the room, narrowly missing the little basketball hoop that was suctioned to his window.
“I guess that’s a no,” she said.
“It looks like a list of ways you want this company to lose money,” said Shane. “The zip line idea wasn’t bad, except that we already have one that goes from the warehouse out back, down through the old paint mixing lab, and into the basement. Had to cut out seven walls and remove a whole floor, but what we ended up with is pretty nice. Of course, it’s not quite as steep as I’d like, and if you aren’t paying attention at the end, you’ll smack right into the limestone wall in the basement. That’s why Shelly’s face is kind of mangled. You’ve never seen our zip line?”
“Can’t say I have,” said Charlotte.
“It was a hit for the first few months, but now everyone’s ready for something new. So, tell me the truth: Are you even trying? Or is this some kind of game to you? Having people work less, for instance. How would that help me?”
“I’m trying, Sir. I’m desperate to do a good job and boost company morale. Having some time away from here might actually increase everyone’s productivity. In fact, take a look at these.” Charlotte opened the folder she was carrying and pulled out a couple of productivity studies she’d printed out. “As you can see from these studies...” she began, but her boss pulled the sheets from her hand, shaking his head.
“Tell you what, Char. I’ll come up with a new list of ways to keep you busy between now and the Christmas party. To start with, we need softer toilet paper in the bathrooms. Not all the bathrooms. Just the one by my office. Talk to Shelly about getting some ordered. I’ll give you a full list of ideas later today, since you’re incapable of coming up with the right kinds of ideas on your own.”
“Okay,” Charlotte croaked, swallowing back the tears that were rising like floodwaters just behind her eyeballs. She smiled a sick, wavering little grin, afraid she might puke all over her boss’s desk.
“Aside from knocking out what I put on that list, you’re free to plan the Christmas party. I think that’s about all you can handle. And if it’s not the best Christmas party O’Leery Snowboards has ever seen, you’re fired. Now, get back to your office and start planning.”