Natalie crossed
the bridge nearest The Golden Fleece, then ran through the car park, before joining the public footpath leading into the fields. This was the path she’d taken with Ellie all those weeks ago, the one where they’d hardly known each other, were edgy around each other. Look at them now. A couple. If you’d told her this was where she’d be a few months ago, she’d have scoffed. But now, she was in a relationship with a woman who there was the possibility of a future with. Just that thought was enough to calm her.
She needed calming today. For one, a group of Canadian tourists had come into the shop and accidentally smashed a bottle of gin. Nat was sure she still hadn’t found all the glass, but at least the shop now smelled the part. Plus, there was an issue with the burgers and hot dogs for the festival, with the local supplier not doing what he’d said he would. Another thing to add to her list.
However, running always soothed her, especially through the lush rolling fields. Today was no different. Every step she took, her muscles relaxed, her tension eased. Natalie loved the solitude of running, loved the pull of her muscles as she focused on her body and nothing else. She’d got into running after she’d left Ethan, and it had saved her. She’d never shelled out for therapy, because running was her outlet. Any time she needed to let off steam, she pulled on her running gear.
A wolf whistle split the air, long and true.
She slowed and turned, seeing Fi waving at her from the other side of the field. That was Fi’s party trick. She loved to wolf-whistle.
Natalie ran back on herself until she drew up where her cousin was standing, Rocky at her feet barking as usual. She bent to pet him, and the puppy shut up for a few seconds.
“I was on my way to your flat right after this. I have news.”
Natalie gave her a look. “Tell me it’s happy news.”
Fi inclined her head. “Depends on your perspective. Mum’s come down with food poisoning. She tried to cook a Thai green curry with seafood last night. It wasn’t a happy ending.”
Yolanda was never ill, she didn’t believe in it. If she was taking time off, she must be at death’s door. “What was she doing cooking? She knows it’s never a good idea.”
“She read a recipe and decided to try it. Surprise for Dad.” Fi winced. “But it means she’s out for the opening ceremony, too. She’s confined to bed, with a bucket by her side.”
“Ew.” Dread pooled in Natalie. “She’s a definite no for the festival?” Her mind spun with catastrophe.
Fi nodded. “If all else fails, I can help out. I know you hate public speaking. It’ll be like when we were kids!”
Natalie hung her head. Deep breaths. This wasn’t the end of the world. Sure, it was her on a stage, her least favourite place. Yolanda was ill. Dad had gone AWOL. Fi was full of good intentions but was ultimately a flake. But she still had Ellie.
She ground her teeth together, making a mental note to call Ellie later and triple-check she was coming back for the opening. Because Natalie really
didn’t want to have to open the ceremony, or rely on any of her family to help her. She was Natalie, the introvert; the one whose voice dried up at the slightest hint of pressure.
“Oh, by the way, your dad’s back, too. Where was he all week? Yolanda needed him to do something, so she hounded him until he responded.”
That made Natalie stand up straight. “He’s home?”
“I think so.”
Natalie checked her watch. 7pm. Still early enough to run home, take a shower and get over to Dad’s for a reasonable time. It was about time they had a chat. “In that case, I need to go. Ceremony starts at 7pm on Friday, so make sure you’re there just in case you’re needed, okay?”
Fi gave her a salute. “Wouldn’t miss it.”
Her dad’s
face was pensive when he opened the door and ushered her through to the lounge. But despite that, he looked very smart. New jeans, a tasteful short-sleeved shirt that didn’t look like it had been bought at any of his usual stores.
In fact, it looked like someone else had picked it out. Could that be true? Natalie’s heart was racing so much at that thought, she had to sit down. He had new throw cushions, too. He’d clearly gone shopping in his time off.
Dad perched on the other end of the sofa. They eyed each other warily, like two boxers circling each other before a fight.
After a few seconds, Dad stood up. “You want a drink?”
Natalie shook her head. “Nope, I want to be clear-headed for this. I think you do, too. Things have been muddy for far too long. It’s about time we faced them with no barriers between us.”
He frowned. “I was thinking more tea or coffee.”
She shook her head again.
He wrung his hands, before nodding. He sat down again. “Natalie. This is not easy for me to say, but I’ve got something to tell you.”
Natalie stayed silent, letting him have the stage.
“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking this week.”
“And what conclusions have you come to?” Then she slapped herself mentally. She needed to let him do this. She still recalled how hard it had been for her.
“That I’ve been keeping part of my life from you. But not just from you. From everybody. But especially from myself.”
From himself?
“I’ve had questions about my sexuality for as long as I can remember.”
Oh god.
Every muscle in her body froze solid.
So it was true.
It was one thing suspecting it.
Quite another having it confirmed.
“But lately, seeing you getting together with someone, it’s made me face up to myself and how I live my life. The truth is, I haven’t been very proud of the way I’ve been living. Closeted. Pushing down that side of me for years
. Although never really enough.” He paused, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down. He crossed his right leg over his left. “What I’m trying to say really badly is… I’m gay.”
Natalie sat back, staring at him.
He uncrossed his legs, then recrossed them. “Well, say something
.”
It was a few long moments before she responded. “You’re gay. That’s kinda… strange.” Then she stopped. She had to think before she spoke. It was important. “How long have you been gay?”
He gave her a pained smile, then shrugged. “How long had you been gay?”
Fair point. “None of it makes sense, though. If you were questioning yourself, why were you so homophobic to me?”
He sighed. He stood up and paced again, before turning back to her. “I was projecting my internalised stuff onto you, and I really am sorry. I didn’t want you to get hurt, or me. I’d quashed that side of me for so long, that when you came out, I felt responsible. I didn’t want to be responsible for your misery. So I tried to steer you away.”
“But doing that would have made me more miserable. At least this way, I’m open to whatever might happen to me. And look what has. I’ve met someone.”
“I know. And she’s lovely.”
“That’s not what you said before.” This was all far too much of a head-fuck.
He sat on the sofa again, legs crossed. She took him in. Was he sitting in a more gay way?
“It’s what I should have said before. I’m sorry for everything I’ve ever said to you, honestly. I don’t think I’ll ever stop being sorry.”
Natalie wiped her hands up and down her face. “Rewind a little, because this is a lot to take in. You’re saying you’re gay, and always have been?”
He nodded. “Your mother knew — eventually. She was accepting of it and even thought she might be able to live with it. But in the end, she couldn’t.”
He might as well have punched her in the gut. “You had an open relationship?” This was all a little much to take in.
“More an understanding. So long as I was discreet.”
Her head throbbed with questions. Also, heartache for Mum and what she must have gone through. “So have you been seeing someone all these years?”
“Not really. I was never as brave as you. But lately, inspired by you, I’ve been wanting more.”
‘You’re far braver than him’, Mum had said. It made sense now.
“I’ve met someone,” Dad continued. “His name’s Jonathan. He’s very patient with me, which he has to be because there’s so much to unpick. But it’s a start.” He took a deep breath, looking Natalie in the eye. “He’s made me see I can have a relationship and a life. It doesn’t have to be a dirty secret. You’ve made me see that, too. You’ve set an example. You’re incredibly brave for doing what you want with your life. If only I’d had that courage all those years ago. I’ve wasted so much time.”
He put his head in his hands. His shoulders began to shake. Then a strange, alien sound came out of his mouth.
It took Natalie a while to grasp what was happening. But then, she realised he was crying. Breaking down in front of her like a baby.
She was frozen to the spot for a few seconds. She’d never seen it happen before. He’d always been her strong, reliable, dependable Dad. But now, she saw him for what he was. A frightened man who was in need of her support. This was something she could understand more than anyone else in the world. This was something she could give him. After all he’d done for her over her life, it was the least she could do.
In an instant, she moved and put her arms around him. They didn’t fit all the way, but it was enough.
He let out a whimper, but leaned in, burying his head in her shoulder.
She kissed his hair. It was so soft, his hair so familiar. She eased him back, took off his glasses and put them on the table, and then pulled him close. They stayed that way for a few long moments until Dad eventually pulled back. He blew his nose on a nearby tissue, before retrieving his glasses.
“A right fine mess I’ve got myself into, eh? Making a mess of my relationship with my daughter, when she was the one I should be supporting the most.”
Natalie stared. He had made a mess of the past eight years, she wasn’t going to contradict him. But it wasn’t irretrievable.
“So we start fresh from here. Although, this is going to take a while to sink in. It so wasn’t what I was expecting from you.”
He shook his head. “I wondered if this day would ever come. But I suppose it was inevitable. What a state. Coming out aged 62? Whoever heard the like.”
“It’s never too late, Dad. Especially to be yourself.”
He paused, eyeing her, before giving her a sweet smile. “I don’t deserve you.” He sighed. “You don’t seem all that surprised, though. Did you have an inkling?”
“That you were hiding something, yes. Although I wouldn’t have jumped to this conclusion.”
He nodded. “I met Jonathan around the same time you met Ellie. We bumped into each other at a petrol station and just got chatting.”
“A petrol station?”
“Yes, in the queue. All this time I’ve been on the apps. Who knew this was how it would happen?”
“So that’s where you’ve been this week?”
Another nod.
Natalie made a circling motion with her hand. “And the new clothes? Is that for his benefit?”
Dad blushed. “We went shopping together. He took me to shops I’d never normally go in.”
“And you’re looking fabulous, so well done Jonathan.” She paused. “Does he know you’ve got a gay daughter?”
Dad nodded. “He does. He was the one who told me I had to live my life more openly, to set an example. He was right, of course. And your mum.”
“Mum?”
“She’s been on to me. I thought you might suspect something if Amanda was weighing in.” He sighed. “Your mum has been amazing throughout all of this, by the way. More than I deserved at times. So between her and Jonathan, I knew I had to act. It was why I stayed at his this week. To gear myself up. I was going to come and talk to you tomorrow after work, but you beat me to it.”
All those times when she thought he was being so prejudiced. It was all a front to cover his own anxieties. Sometimes, you could really read things wrong, couldn’t you? “A gay dad. I think there’s a song about that.”
“You’ll have to play it to me.”
“I will.” She smiled at him. “When do I get to meet Jonathan?”
His shoulders hunched. “I need to tell Yolanda and Max first, although I think they might suspect. Maybe I’ll bring him this weekend, although the festival might be a bit much to introduce him first time round.”
“He’d get over his nerves pretty quickly. He could meet everyone who matters to you in one fell swoop. Even Mum and Dave are coming.”
“More to the point, am I ready for him to meet everyone?” He looked so vulnerable, she wanted to take him in her arms again. To tell him it was all going to be okay.
“See how you feel. I want you to be happy. I hope you want me to be happy now, too.”
“I always did. More than anything in the world.”
Wow. This new Dad was going to take some getting used to. She moved to him again and they hugged, Dad squeezing her until she could hardly breathe. She let him. It felt good.
“No more secrets, okay? That was always our deal before. I can’t believe you chastised me about Ellie, when you were keeping this massive one.”
“I know. I’m sorry.”
She shook her head. “Enough apologies now.” She looked him in the eye. “One more thing. Yolanda’s got food poisoning, so tell her softly. If she vomits on you, it doesn’t mean she hates the news.”
He let out a soft chuckle. “Got it. Anything else?”
She chewed on her cheek. “Not for now. Except to say, I like the new look. This Jonathan must have good taste.”
“He chose me,” Dad replied.
