HER eyes had glazed over again, her focus lost in the ether with all the dreams, memories and fantasies she used to tell herself she couldn’t have. Blinking back into focus, Claire pushed pen to paper, ignoring the clench of her stomach as she initialed yet another paragraph.
No second-guessing. No going back.
Only, at the last page a tremor shook the pen free of her grasp and she found herself gulping air as she dashed for the open window across the room. All the doubts she’d worked to stifle crowded in at once, threatening to suffocate her.
Forearms resting on the pane, she hung her head, taking long draws of the cool New York night air and an inventory of the sounds that filled it. Car doors thudding. Shouts and greetings. Laughter and sirens. The wind rushing over the building walls.
Closing her eyes, she waited for the calm that inevitably followed the storm of her emotions. A calm that was preempted by the deep call of her name cutting through the night.
She jerked back, bumping hard against the open window as she gaped down at the walk where Ryan stood, hand on his head, muttering a curse about her being careful.
Yes, careful. With her heart. With her head. With her hope.
God, what was he doing there?
Within seconds Ryan was back in her apartment, standing in the same hallway where he’d claimed his last goodbye. Only this time, as he held her, it was to probe at what proved to be a very tender bump on the head.
Cradling her temples between his palms, Ryan searched her face. “Are you okay?”
No. Not at all. Not with him standing so close she could barely breathe or think or keep from reaching out to stroke the stubbled edge of his jaw. “I’m fine.”
Ryan nodded once, his thumb brushing the rise of her cheekbone.
“So strong,” he murmured into the air between them in a way that made it sound as though the reassurance had been for himself. And with sudden crushing clarity, she understood why he’d come.
Because the papers had been delivered today and he’d needed to know that she could handle it. She’d thought she could. But that was before Ryan stood in front of her brushing a brutal stroke of reality across her face.
Defensively she took a step back. Crossed her arms over her chest and pushed a smile she didn’t feel to her lips. “I am strong.”
Maybe they both needed to be reminded of it.
“I know and—” The expression on his face was one she didn’t recognize. He looked almost vulnerable in that second before he glanced away, clearing his throat as he pushed the fallen strands of his dark hair back from his brow. “Are those the papers? You signed them?”
Claire’s stomach turned sick as she watched him take that first step toward the kitchen counter where she’d been working. Panic surged and she pushed past him, quickly gathering the documents into a haphazard pile against her chest.
“I was nearly finished,” she said, trying again to sound confident. Wishing she’d just taken the stack and signed them the second they’d arrived. Returned them instead of—
“What the hell is this?” The savage growl cut through her thoughts, snapping her attention back to Ryan and the murderous expression on his face.
Terrified, Claire scanned the counter expecting to see one of the settlement pages inadvertently left behind. But there was nothing. Nothing to explain the cold rage shining in his eyes.
Nothing except a black jeweler’s box straining within his fist.
“This is how you’re moving on?” he roared, his shoulders and chest seeming to broaden impossibly wider as he rounded the counter, closing in on her until she’d backed herself against the sink, too stunned to respond.
“Who is he?” he demanded, looking for all the world as though he were about to tear the building down around them.
“Ryan, it’s my ring.”
No kidding, Claire! He’d seen a ring box before. He just hadn’t expected to see one sitting beside their divorce documents. Whoever he was hadn’t wasted a goddamn second. But it couldn’t be too late. He wouldn’t let it. He just had to know who he was up against and then— “It’s that Aaron, isn’t it?” He ground out the words. It had to be. And to think he’d passed him off as not being any kind of threat at all. He wanted to find that slick bastard and take him apart limb by limb.
But then Claire’s hands were his, pulling at his fingers so she could open the box. Push it in front of his face.
And then there it was.
Claire’s wedding band.
Everything slowed. Quieted. Calmed.
He hadn’t seen it in years. Hadn’t let himself wonder about when, exactly, she’d stopped wearing it. Hadn’t given himself license to acknowledge anything beyond the fact that one day he opened the Times to her picture and it was gone.
But here it was again.
Slim. Almost insubstantial as he withdrew it from its silk pillow and tested it in the palm of his hand. Funny how in his mind there’d been so much more to this little band. He’d sworn he could feel the weight of it heavy and solid against his chest as he’d stood before the justice of the peace waiting to give it to Claire.
Ryan’s brow drew down as he followed the delicate band with his fingertip. “I’m sorry. For this insanity just now. For the last two months. Hell, for the past nine years.”
Claire’s hand smoothed over his chest, stilled at that spot above his heart, reserved just for her. “Are you okay?”
Ryan shook his head, let out a short laugh as he met the blue eyes peering up at him. Saw the concern. The confusion. “Do I seem okay?”
Claire’s quiet laugh answered his own. “No.”
Looking down, he realized that he’d crowded her against the sink. The divorce papers had spilled around their feet and even now his legs were pressed against hers.
Stepping back, he briefly touched her hand. “I don’t think I’ve been okay since the day I let you go. The day I lost the part of myself that knew how to fight for what mattered. But I was so blinded by my fear of failing you—us—again, I couldn’t even try.”
“You didn’t fail.” The hand at his chest bunched into his shirt, making him smile.
His little Claire, once again using her brute strength to push him around. If she didn’t want to let him go, he wouldn’t move an inch.
But he wouldn’t let her ignore the truth either.
“Are you still my wife, Claire?” he asked, the words scraping raw from his throat. “Are you living in my house, sharing your life with me? Do we have the children and the laughter and the love I promised?”
Her face was pale now, her eyes haunted. But she wouldn’t look away. “I’m the one who left. None of this was you.”
His voice hardened as the guilt and shame ate through him. “You’re wrong. Nine years, Claire. Nine years you gave me to come after you. But I was too much of a coward to do it. And too selfish to let you go completely.”
Claire closed her eyes, shook her head. “No.”
“You could have served me with papers six years ago, Claire. Sent this ring back to me then. But you held on to it all this time. Because I’d promised you forever and even though I’d let you down, somehow, you still believed in it.”
She was trembling now. Her lips had parted and soft puffs of her breath were washing over his knuckles where he held his hand over hers. He wanted to kiss her. Sink into her mouth and tell himself she was his. Only, he didn’t know if she could be.
“When you left, I made excuses. I told myself you were too fragile for me to fight. That if I pushed you to stay, you’d break under the pressure. But you’re not fragile anymore and I’m done making excuses. You’re strong.”
The muscles worked up and down her throat. Once, twice, before she found the words to ask, “What are you saying?”
“I love you, Claire. And I’m going to fight for you.”
Heart slamming in his chest, Ryan watched as Claire absorbed his words and then slowly stepped out of his hold. Seemingly dazed, she knelt down and began collecting the papers littering the floor at their feet.
Ryan ducked down beside her, reaching for her hands to still them. Panic rising at her lack of response, he tried to catch her eyes, but she was blinking back her tears and so he just said what he needed her to hear.
“I know I don’t deserve another chance, but I want it anyway. Because I know I can make you happy. I’ll spend the rest of my life proving it to you.” He swallowed hard, working past his pride, because this time it was his turn to lay himself bare and put himself on the line. Take the risk, because Claire was all the reward he could ask for. “You can sign those papers, Claire. If you want, I’ll sign them too. But I still won’t give up on us. I’ll fight for you until I win you back. Nine years or nineteen. I won’t quit.”
Claire ran her fingers over the documents at his feet. “You’d sign this?”
His jaw ground down, but he nodded. “Yes.” And began scooping the pages up. He’d do whatever it took to make her happy. And maybe that agreement was enough, because a tremulous smile broke across Claire’s lips.
“Then I guess I didn’t ask for enough.”
Didn’t ask for enough? This from the woman he’d had to strong-arm into taking anything. His gaze dropped to the documents in his hands and the bits of blue ink littering the pages. She’d modified the agreement and was asking for…
“A helicopter and pilot,” he coughed out, surprised but not unwilling to accommodate the request until he noted the qualifier following. “On standby in every state?”
Claire pushed to her feet. “To start.”
Following her progress back to the living room with his eyes, he had to ask, “Are you drunk?”
A clear blue gaze shot back at him, elusive and intriguing. But not without the echoes of hurt and hope from the moments before. “Are you rejecting my counter?”
A knot of tension bound around his chest began to slip. “No.”
Her brow furrowed as she stopped beside the couch. “Then keep reading.”
The next paragraph listed another amendment. “My L.A. office building?” Something hot and powerful began to build deep within, growing more intense with each neatly scrawled notation. “A pool boy for your New York apartment, which, incidentally, does not have a pool. A whale. A yacht. The beach house. Live-in masseuse…and, of course, one for Sally, too. And this is just page two.” Ryan was on his feet, closing in fast. “Greedy thing, aren’t you.”
“Someone must have spoiled me.”
The breath raced from his lungs as he caught Claire around the waist with a single arm and pulled her against him, felt the racing of her heart against his. “I’ll spoil you for the rest of your life, kitten. Just explain this first.”
He needed to hear the words. Needed to know without question they were on the same page.
A soft pink rose to her cheeks and, hesitantly, she glanced away. “Until the settlement is finalized, we continue as lovers.”
“Claire…” Her name came gravel rough from a throat choked with emotion. Catching her chin with the crook of his finger, he brought those beautiful blues back to him.
Claire once again found herself blinking back tears, but these were tears born of sweet joy rather than sorrow. He loved her. Wanted her. Had come back to fight for her. “So unless you want to know how many small islands I’ve asked for…strip.”
“Strip?”
The smile that split his face melted her knees and left her clinging to the powerful chest and shoulders supporting her.
“This was your plan?”
“Well, we had a deal.” And she’d realized she’d rather have risked her heart than give up the man she loved forever.
That exuberant smile shifted, eased, as his eyes held hers. “We did,” he agreed, brushing a strand of hair behind her ear. Gathering her closer, he stepped over to the couch and pulled her down into his lap. Pressed his brow to hers and took her hand in his. “But the one I’m thinking of was forever…”
Her eyes closed at the words so powerful the sound of them was nearly more than she could bear.
“It included vows.” He pulled her hand to his lips, kissed each fingertip, every knuckle. “And a ring.”
Her eyes opened as Ryan held her slender platinum band before her.
“Ryan.” His name broke from her lips on a quiet sob that was relief, hope, elation, surrender and love all in one. So much love.
“I want you to wear this, Claire. I want it to mean forever. But if you need time—”
Only then her hands were in his hair, her words rushing over his lips between each kiss. “I love you…I love you…I love you…Forever. Always.”
Ryan broke back, a dark intensity blazing in his eyes. “It nearly killed me, losing you once, Claire. I won’t let it happen again. I can’t promise you a fairy tale. But I can promise that no matter what comes our way, I’ll be by your side through it.”
Sliding the band over the fourth finger of her left hand, he spoke her words back to her. A vow renewed. “Always. Forever. I love you.”