Dear Rita,
How relieved I was to get your letter! I felt a whole world of trouble run off my back and for the first time in nearly two months I can exhale properly.
Oh, the pictures you paint with your words. I can see those women on their knees (thank you for the prayers by the way...my little man is weak, but alive, thank God).
And Roylene? Is it me or the words you’ve woven that create an unease in my spirit? She seems like a loon. Perhaps you should stick to your guns and steer clear of her? Has Toby written to you about her? Or then again, maybe you just make her nervous. Fear and nerves drive people into strange ways.
That’s what I’ve been doing lately. Pushing that lazy summer “before” in the back of my mind and rationalizing my behavior with preposterous statements in my diary, like: “I was nervous. And my own fear led me straight into a crazy, spinning time when I did things so out of character I’m still trying to grasp it all.” Silly—but still, the early summer here feels like a hazy, watercolor dream. A dream that I want to forget, but bubbles of it pop up in my mind every now and then. They make me smile. Then the guilt washes over me again.
Robert is due to ship out overseas soon. I stare at him as he sleeps. We keep Corrine in our bed and the two of them curl around and cling to each other like vine to flower. I want to memorize him more than ever. His jawline, his smell, his grace. For so long I thought his wiry frame weaker than rugged Levi. And now? Now I can’t imagine being held by anything less gentle.
Levi seems to have gotten over his pouting spell. He and Robert are going about doing all the things they love to do together. Fishing, taking drives into Brimfield to see antiques shows. Getting boiled lobsters straight off the dock and sitting on the benches with hammers, cracking open the goodness. Sometimes I wish I was a man. Men have so much fun together.
The two of them are gone right now, gone to collect my pale boy from the hospital and bring him home. Robert’s even asked me to encourage MORE of a relationship between Levi and Robbie while he’s gone.
You see... Robbie has a weak heart now. Like Levi. And Robert thinks having Levi as an influence would be appropriate. Even when I want to get away, life lines up the obstacles. I can’t help it... I feel like this is a test of some sort. A test of biblical proportion. It makes me want to growl. Growl, growl, growl.
But really, all I am is scared.
What happens when Robert leaves? Will my fickle ways spread around again? I don’t trust myself. Not one bit. I wish I did.
I worry about your boy, too. Both our sons. Both changed from who they were before. One from war, one from illness. Who will they be when it’s all over?
Looking forward to your next letter.
Humbled and with love,
Glory