That was the way I intended to end the book. Kiki and I all misty-eyed, reading the love letters of great people in bed—my darkness gone, my spirit soaring from the inspirational words of our giants of history. But you have to live life on life’s terms, as I’ve said in the book. And I couldn’t live with myself if I lied and tried to cover up what happened in the last few months.
Maybe part of it was searching my soul and digging into the darkest corners of my psyche to honestly answer Ratso’s questions about my life. It also could have been the pressure of going back into the world of boxing and entering the ring once again, this time as a promoter and nurturer of young boxing talent. Of course, my chronic negative self-image doesn’t need much ammunition to act out and sabotage whatever joy and happiness comes into my life.
But it happened and I have to tell you about it. About a month or so after I completed work on the book, in April of 2013, I had a slip, my first one since January of 2010. I went out one night and I had a drink. And then another. And another. I told you I’m a bad, bad drunk so I smoked some pot to make me mellow again. I felt horrible when I came back to Kiki and the kids that night. But not terrible enough to stop me from repeating my slip a few more times in June and July of this year. And then in August, a week before my first Iron Mike fight promotion, which was broadcast on ESPN, I fell off the wagon again.
Look, I’m a vicious addict and if I don’t follow my steps, I’m going to die. So I started going to A.A. meetings again. One of the most important steps is to make amends. So right before the first fight on my first card as a promoter I walked over to Teddy Atlas, my old trainer, who was doing the color commentary for ESPN. I extended my hand and I apologized to him for my part in what happened back there in Catskill in the ’80s. I hadn’t talked to Teddy for almost twenty years. It felt good to make amends. I guess that gesture meant a lot to people because that was the first thing they wanted to talk about both during the fights and in the interview I did between fights.
I was already dealing with a lot of emotions of guilt and shame for my recent relapses so seeing Teddy and making amends to him seemed to put me over the top. I realized that I couldn’t just keep on lying and pretending that I was still clean; that I hadn’t had some drinks or smoked some pot. So when someone at the postfight press conference asked me what it was like seeing Teddy again, I had to unburden myself.
“I knew that there was a possibility that I would be here with Teddy and I didn’t have a good thought in mind about that at first, because I’m negative and I’m dark. And I wanna do bad stuff. I wanna hang out in this neighborhood alone [I pointed to my head], that’s dangerous to hang out in this neighborhood alone up here, right? It wants to kill everything. It wants to kill me too. So I went to my A.A. meeting and I explained to my fellow alcoholics and junkies that I was gonna deal with this certain situation here, and I explained the feelings that I evoked from it. Almost like, um, something like a Hatfields and McCoys, I kind of explained to them. I made the right decision. I made Cus proud of me. I made myself proud of me.
“I hate myself. I’m trying to kill myself. I hate myself a lot, but I made myself proud of myself, and I don’t do that much. I was happy I did that. Maybe it was overwhelming to Teddy and he didn’t get it yet. But he has to know this is sincere. I don’t wanna fight you no more. I was wrong. I’m sorry. I was wrong. I just wanted to make my amends. If he accepted it or not, at least I could die and go to my grave and say I made my amends with everybody I hurt. It’s all about love and forgiveness, and in order for those guys to forgive me—other guys—you know, I want people to forgive the things I’ve done.
“I’m a motherfucker. I did a lot of bad things, and I want to be forgiven. So in order for me to be forgiven, I hope they can forgive me. I wanna change my life; I wanna live a different life now. I wanna live my sober life. I don’t wanna die. I’m on the verge of dying, because I’m a vicious alcoholic. Wow. God, this is some interesting stuff.”
I choked up. And then I confessed.
“I haven’t drank or took drugs in six days, and for me that’s a miracle. I’ve been lying to everybody else that thinks I was sober. I’m not. This is my sixth day. I’m never gonna use again.”
The press in the audience gave me a standing ovation but that meant nothing to me. No one gives you standing ovations when you share in the rooms.
That was on August twenty-third. I’ve added a few days to my total as I’m writing this now. I hope that I can keep clean and add more and more days and get more and more chips. I guess I was arrogant thinking that I could beat this thing without the help of my support team and my A.A. family, who belong to the only club that accepts people like me as members. I don’t want to die. I want to continue my boxing career as a promoter. I want to do my one-man show again. I want to do more movies.
After my recent relapse I was no fun to be around. Kiki and I were having a lot of rough times. Part of me was even trying to blame the pressures of being married as the reason for my relapse. Then the galleys for the book came. In going over the book with Kiki I had a spiritual rebirth. When we got to the section about Exodus it was very difficult to get through. We both cried our eyes out. And I realized in that very moment why I was married to Kiki. I suddenly knew the answer to the question “Why would a guy like me be married?” I realized that our marriage was more than the union of Kiki and me. I had to be married to Kiki to fulfill Exodus’s legacy. My marriage will allow me to do that and to bolster my ability to be a good father. I’m a better person now because Exodus was in my life and I vow to continue to be a better person now that she’s gone. I truly want to deepen my relationship with Kiki and see my kids grow up to be healthy and happy. But I can’t do any of those things if I don’t have control over myself. I can’t help anyone if I’m not well myself, and I desperately want to get well. I have a lot of pain and I just want to heal. And I’m going to do my best to do just that. One day at a time.