The Canters’ departure brings another onslaught of tears. When they go, even though I felt only dread before it happened, I’m grateful for their visit. I suppose I always knew I’d have to face them eventually, but I never imagined that I would have such a genuine second chance with them. However wonderful this feels, it is also a double-edged sword. I can’t help thinking that in death there are no second chances; I’ll never get to say the things I wish I’d said to G when she was alive. I won’t get to apologize, justify, or validate. There is nothing except the gap she has left, time that continues at a merciless pace and my progressively unreliable memory.
When I return to the dorm, Ren is there. From the way she quickly picks up a book when I enter, I get the sense that she’s been waiting for me. For a moment, the whole situation seems absurd. How is it possible that I have someone—a friend—waiting worriedly for me?
Her eyes scan me up and down, presumably trying to assess the damage. “Have they left?”
I mumble a yes.
“Are you…well, how are you doing?”
I swallow, buying myself time. I let myself sink into my desk chair and, a few moments later, I start to tell Ren everything.
We spend the afternoon walking in the grounds, wrapped up in multiple layers to combat the fierce cold. In the distance, the vicious sound of cannons interrupts the otherwise still air. I look at Ren with fearful eyes.
“They’re setting off avalanches,” she explains, as though expecting this to calm me.
“Excuse me?”
“Oh, don’t worry, it’s perfectly safe. They’re just small, controlled ones. They do it when the snow builds up to stop them from happening naturally—those are the ones we have to worry about. The noise will become a familiar friend next term—that’s when it really heats up.” She grins at my expression as we start to walk back to school.
I play the words next term over in my mind. She says it like it’s inevitable. I can’t help thinking it wasn’t when I arrived here, and that somehow managing the Canters’ visit was the final hurdle.
I really have come too far to turn back.