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Sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eye.
~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“You can put me down.” Lexi gazed up at me. “I promise I’ll let you take me home.”
I stopped in the middle of the street, eyeing her. “Are you sure you’re not going to run off?”
She took a few deep breaths and nuzzled closer to me. Her sweet smell infiltrated my senses, sending me on a spiral of mixed emotions. Her eyes rested on my lips and then darted back up to mine. She wanted to kiss me and I was fighting every urge not to press my lips to hers. Holding her in my arms was so comforting. This was where she belonged. But the damn demons in my head kept reminding me she didn’t. That she was better off with Collin or some other guy. But no matter what I did, I couldn’t mask the pain. I was ready to conquer hell on earth just to be with her — there was no getting over Lexi Thompson.
“Can you walk?”
She tilted her head to the side and gave me an impish grin. “As long as you help me.”
I lowered my arms, allowing her to stand. With one arm wrapped tightly around her, I guided her to my car and helped her get in before running around to the driver side.
“Are you okay?”
Lexi’s eyes were closed and her head was tilted back on the headrest. “I think so,” she mumbled. “Everything is spinning.”
“Please don’t puke in my car, that’s all I ask.” I started the engine and pulled on to the main road. “I think we should get you something to eat.”
“Why?” She glanced at me with heavy eyes.
“The grease will help absorb the alcohol.” I turned at the intersection and pulled into the parking lot of Whataburger. I ordered us some food and drove back to campus. Lexi ate her French fries and I was glad — the more grease she ate, the better.
“Cool. There’s a spot right there.” I raced forward, claiming a parking space across the street from the commons area. It would be a shorter walk to get Lexi to her dorm. Since I got a parking ticket for leaving my car in the loading zone when Delaney was drunk, I knew I’d be taking a chance if I did it again. Lexi got out of the car, holding her heels in one hand and drink in the other. A blast of cold air swept by us and she shivered.
“Cold?”
She nodded. Reaching in the backseat, I grabbed my jacket. I draped it over her shoulders and then closed the car door. I held her close as we walked toward Charter Hall. The brisk air blew against us and I drew her closer to me, trying to keep her warm. Since it was after curfew, we entered through the back door. The elevator opened and we slipped in without anyone seeing us.
We exited the elevator and walked down the hall. A few girls eyed us as we crossed paths. I was positive they recognized me and probably thought I was taking Lexi to her room so I could bang her. And I wanted to, badly. But not while she was drunk. If she were any other girl I wouldn’t have cared, but Lexi wasn’t. She was special to me.
“Do you know them?” I asked, noticing how Lexi recoiled into my jacket.
“Unfortunately, yes.” She relaxed and my jacket fell past her shoulders. I took all my strength to keep my hands under control. Her bare shoulders called to me and my fingers twitched, eager to touch her. “Do you?”
“Fortunately, no.” I looked over my shoulder to make sure and was relieved I hadn’t encountered them before. “But I have to know something.” Our eyes met and that familiar desire shot through me. Being next to her was pure torture, but it was a torture I didn’t want to escape — ever. “Are you embarrassed to be seen with me?”
“No, it’s just that...”
She didn’t have to say the words. I knew what the problem was. “You don’t want Collin to find out.” My gazed dropped to the floor, waiting to hear the confirmation I knew was true.
“What?” Lexi sounded shocked by my statement. I looked up to see her struggling with the zipper on her small purse. “No, he’s history. Trust me.”
It felt good to hear those words, but it would take a little more to reassure me. “Let me help you.” Taking her hand, I glided the leather strap off her wrist. I took advantage of the opportunity and brushed my fingers across her silky skin. Chills formed over her arm and I wanted to kiss every inch of her until her inside razed with heat. If only she weren’t drunk.
“You know any other girl would die to be seen with me,” I teased, unzipping her little purse.
She bit her lower lip and sucked in a deep breath. “Who says I’m not dying right now?”
I grinned. Maybe she wanted me just as much as I wanted her. The moment we walked into her dorm, I knew I would need restraints to keep from attacking her.
“After you.” I unlocked the door and pushed it open.
I followed her into the suite, shut the door, and locked it. She flipped on the light and I sat on the couch. Pulling out our food, I reasoned with myself to take things at her pace. Follow her lead. If she wanted to have sex with me, I’d gladly make love to her. All night if she let me. But the ball was in her possession and she was calling the plays. I was the defensive player, trying to figure out what she was going to do next. Only, I wanted her to score — with me.
Then I remembered she was drunk.
Damn it!
How fast could I get her to sober up so she knew what she was doing? She needed to get that greasy burger in her stomach now, and maybe drink some water.
“Are you going to stand there or eat?”
“Huh?” She turned around as I took a bite of my burger. “Yeah, I guess I should eat.” She tossed her heels on the floor and took off my jacket. She seemed nervous and I hoped she wasn’t having second thoughts about me being there. Most of all, I hoped she still wanted what I wanted.
Picking up her cheeseburger, she sat at the opposite end of the couch. Bite after bite, she chewed intently, something bothering her. What, I didn’t know, but I was pretty sure it had to do with what we both wanted.
“Why are you so quiet?” I wadded up the wrapper and tossed it in the bag.
“Just thinking,” she blurted before taking a sip of her soda.
I knew I shouldn’t have asked, but I had to. “About what?”
She hesitated for a moment and then said, “What’s with you? I mean, why do you insist on being with so many girls?”
Her question caught me off guard and I vied for a believable excuse. I mean, what was I supposed to tell her? There was no right answer.
“And don’t tell me it’s because you’re a guy.” She pivoted in my direction, waiting for a response.
I clasped my hands together and drew in a deep breath. “You really want to know?”
She nodded and slurped the last of her soda, until nothing was left.
“I guess I like sex.” I gave her the most obvious answer.
Her eyes widened and then relaxed. “That’s such a guy response,” she retorted. Apparently, my reason wasn’t what she was expecting. She set her empty cup on the coffee table and grabbed the Whataburger bag, pulling out the last of the fries.
I shrugged. It was the best answer I could provide. I shifted my weight, turning my body in her direction. “Well, I promised I’d be honest with you. Now you know.”
“Yeah, but aren’t you scared you’ll catch something?”
My head jolted back and then it hit me. She was afraid I might give her some type of disease. “No, not really. I practice safe sex, Lexi. Don’t you?”
“Um...” Her voice rattled and she took several swallows while tucking the strands of her hair behind her ear. “I suppose I would, if I were having sex.” She exhaled a deep breath and rested against the pillows.
I had to hold back a laugh. Was she hinting at wanting to have safe sex with me or had I asked the question incorrectly? “I forgot I’m talking to an English major.”
She stared at me with a dumbfounded expression. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
I begged my mind for the right words. This conversation was quickly spiraling in the wrong direction. “I guess I should have asked, when you have sex, Lexi, do you or your partner use a condom?”
She pressed her lips together, her eyebrows drawing in. Her face went through several different expressions while she struggled to answer my question. “No,” she straightened, “because I’ve never had sex.”
Uh...shit! She was a virgin.
Of course she is idiot! She’s a good girl.
“Ah, okay.” I blinked a few times and repositioned myself as I felt my body sinking into the couch. It never dawned on me that she hadn’t had sex before. Especially since she had been engaged to be married.
“Surprise,” she said with a timid smile.
“Yeah.” I ran my fingers through my hair, feeling like a total idiot. Lexi was afraid to answer me because she didn’t want to admit she was a virgin. How stupid could I be? She was an innocent girl engaged to a preacher’s son. Of course they would want to wait until marriage to do the deed. This changed the playing field completely. “I wasn’t expecting that. I mean, I knew you were a good girl, I just figured you’d had sex with your fiancé.”
“Ex,” she added. “He wanted to wait until marriage, I didn’t.”
My ears perked up like a hunting dog. Maybe the field was still open.
“Are you saying you wanted to have sex with him?” I needed to gage her desire to lose her virginity. How bad did she really want it?
“Yes, but he refused to break his vow.” Her eyes drifted to the floor and I could see how that caused hurt for her in their relationship. Lexi wanted to feel love, experience it from a guy she cared about — a guy she was ready to marry. But he refused. And I would, too. There was no way I could take Lexi’s virginity. No matter how tempted I was.
No. I wasn’t going to be the bad guy. Not this time.
“That’s one committed guy.” I rubbed the sweat from my palms on my jeans. My heart raced and I fought every desire, need, and urge to take her in my arms and make love to her like she deserved. But those damn voices told me Lexi deserved so much more. She deserved a man who would never do her wrong. I’d only break her heart.
“Yeah, but it sucked. I had no idea if he even loved me, because he never showed me.” Her head bowed and her hair fell forward.
My heart ached for her. I wanted to love her and show her what it felt like to be loved — but I didn’t know how to do that. The only thing I was good at was giving women a night to remember. That didn’t include a commitment and being a boyfriend. That was foreign to me. “I’m sorry. I mean, that must have been hard for you.” I held up a hand. “Assuming that you were attracted to him and cared for him.”
Her head lifted and she peeked through the strands of hair. “Of course I was and it hurt. All I knew was that I couldn’t marry him, not without knowing whether he truly loved me or not.” She tucked her hair behind her ear and stared deeply into my eyes. “I’m better off finding someone who’s not afraid to show me how they feel about me.”
I knew what she wanted. And as much as I wanted to give it to her, I knew I’d only disappoint her. “Yes, you are, Lexi, and you should save yourself for the right person.” I looked at my watch. “It’s late and I better go.”
She quickly jumped to her feet. Her eyes darted to me then to the front door, as if her body was pulling her in several different directions at once. “Don’t leave yet.” She motioned for me to stay put. “I need to—” She took off toward her room and I assumed she was headed to the bathroom.
Unsure whether she was about to get sick, I followed her. I pressed my ear to the door, feeling like a total perv as I listened for gagging and grunting sounds. The toilet flushed a minute later and the faucet turned on. I backed away from the bathroom door, assuring myself she was okay.
I walked toward her bed and turned on the lamp. Her room was clean and orderly, as I expected. Fleur de lis decorated the walls, matching her pink and black comforter. Even her bedside lamp matched. I picked up a frame from her nightstand. It was a picture of her and two middle-aged people whom I assumed were her parents. Lexi resembled her mother in some ways and her dad in others. One thing was certain — they made a beautiful daughter. I set the picture down and then pulled back the covers, telling myself I would tuck Lexi in bed and go home. Sweet honey and peaches surrounded me. My knees felt weak, like I had just finished sprints and I fell to her bed. I sat on the edge resisting every temptation to lay on her covers and allow her sweet smell to take over me. The door opened and I quickly turned my attention to Lexi.
She caught my gaze as she stepped out of the bathroom, bumping into the doorframe. The dress made her look gorgeous, baring her perfectly sculpted shoulders and long, slender legs. The soft light from her lamp gave her a radiance that belonged to an angel. And that was because Lexi was an angel. A peaceful, innocent being too precious to hurt. The glint in her eyes almost made me forget what I needed to do. Get her to bed and leave.
“Are you okay?” I stood, demanding my legs to cooperate as I walked toward her.
Her eyes remained fixed on me. “Y-es.” She took several shallow breaths and I sensed her nervousness. “I just had to pee. A lot.”
“Oh.” I struggled to keep my mind focused. “Then why aren’t you ready for bed?”
She pressed up against the door and swayed to the side. “I, um...I couldn’t get my dress off.”
Shit. I was in trouble.
Taking off her clothes was going to be hard. Once I started, I wasn’t going to want to stop. But I had to help her. She was drunk. I took a deep breath and stared at her beautiful features. Her mesmerizing almond eyes revealing the same incessant need I had. Too bad it wouldn’t be satisfied. At least, not by me. I followed the perfect slope of her nose down to her sweet, perfect lips. Lips I wanted on me, but knew that I couldn’t have. Lexi’s beauty was killing me. Consuming me and making me a victim in her own trap. Lexi’s sweet trap.
“Do you need help?” I rested my hands on her waist, trying to get comfortable with touching her while controlling my urges.
“Uh huh,” she muttered.
I examined her dress for a moment, trying to figure out whether the thing had a zipper or what. I gathered the material in my hands, but before I did anything, I asked one more time, “Are you sure you want me to help you undress?”
She nodded and then leaned to the side. “Whoa. You alright?” I pulled her against me, unsure whether she was that drunk or just excited I was helping her.
“No,” she replied. Her breaths altered between deep and short inhalations and I hoped she wasn’t about to pass out or throw up. I needed her to remember I put her in bed and left. I didn’t want her to think I took advantage of her while she was drunk.
“Are you going to get sick?”
She shook her head. “No. I’m good.”
“Okay, just making sure you’re not going to vomit all over me.”
Her eyes fluttered to a close. “I won’t, I promise.”
I took a deep breath, preparing myself. My heart was going non-stop, like this was the last play of the game and I was getting ready to score a touchdown. Every muscle in my body filled with blood and I broke out in a cold sweat. Taking off Lexi’s clothes would be pure torment, knowing I’d have to walk away. I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to control myself. But I had to.
I lifted up her dress, stopping at her waist. No matter how hard I tried not to look, my eyes naturally gravitated to her panties. Soft lace and cotton covered her lady parts. My fingers clenched the fabric and I willed myself to keep to the task. Every hormone was on high alert and I wasn’t sure how much longer I could control the need dying to be released.
Lexi’s eyes opened and she looked just as hot and bothered as I did. Her hands quickly dropped to mine and she helped inch the dress over her breasts. I kept my eyes trained to hers, refusing to look at the mounds in front of me.
Don’t look. Don’t look.
Her eyes were wide and I didn’t know if she was afraid or thrilled. She urged me to keep going, so I did. In one quick movement, I slipped the dress over her head and tossed it to the floor. Unable to restrain my vision any longer, I did a quick sweep over her body. And damn, was she beautiful. Soft curves in all the right places. Skin. So much silky skin I was dying to kiss and worship until the sun came up. I was burning with desire for her. I was ready for Lexi to pour her sweet self all over me. Without warning, she wrapped her arms around herself, covering her body. I immediately withdrew my gaze.
A voice in my head reminded me Lexi was a virgin and I had no business taking that from her. Sure, I’d taken several girls’ virginity before, but Lexi was different. She was special and deserved to be with one someone equally as special. I was not that guy.
“Let’s get you to bed.” I picked her up and carried her across the room. Her arms wrapped around my neck and I felt the trembling in her body. She was scared and I wanted to assure her nothing was going to happen. She didn’t need to fear me. She needed to trust I was doing the right thing.
I laid her on the mattress and pulled the covers over her. I stared at her for a moment, taking in all the beauty. If I didn’t get out of there quickly, I’d lose this game or win it, depending on how I looked at it. But I had to tell her exactly what I thought. Without thinking, I said, “You are so beautiful.”
“Thank you.” She smiled, her eyes sparkling.
My body hovered over her as she refused to let go. The tension rippled through me and I wasn’t sure how much more I could take before I kissed her. Her scent was too much for my senses and she was sucking me deeper into her trap. I pulled away and her hands started to slip, but she kept a firm grip on me, squeezing my biceps. I was quickly losing the battle.
This woman was killing me!
“Goodnight, Lexi.” I leaned forward and pressed a quick kiss to her lips. “Sweet dreams.” I reached for the lamp and turned off the light.
“What? No. Don’t go,” Lexi begged. Before I could turn the light back on, something hit me square in the face.
“Oh, shit,” I moaned, covering my nose.
“I’m sorry.” Lexi turned on the light. “Are you okay?”
My eyes watered as the pain shot up to my brain. I prayed blood wouldn’t start gushing. “Yeah, I’ll be alright.” I held back the tears, refusing to cry in front of Lexi. I had been head-butted before, but damn, Lexi had a head made of steel.
“Let me see.” She urged me to sit down and then slowly pulled my hand away.
“Is it bleeding?” I tilted my head back and sniffed.
She checked my nose. “No, it’s not.” She eased back and her shoulders slumped. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. I just got confused.”
I wiped my nose on the top of my hand, keeping an eye for any signs of bleeding. “Confused about what?”
Lexi’s eyes glossed over and the waterworks started.
“Why are you crying?” Had I done something wrong?
She shook her head and wiped away the tears. “It’s nothing.”
I narrowed my eyes and leaned closer. “Don’t lie.” Her bottom lip quivered, evidence something had upset her. “What’s bothering you?”
She pressed her lips together, withholding the sobs.
“Tell me, Lexi. Please.”
Her eyes pleaded with me, asking me not to ask her, but I had to know. I kept my position, waiting patiently for her answer. Within a few seconds, she threw her hands up in the air. “I thought you wanted to have sex with me.”
Oh God! I knew I shouldn’t have helped her undress. I had given her the wrong impression. Then again, I did want to have sex with her.
I let out a heavy sigh. “Shit. I’m sorry.”
She shook her head. “It’s my fault, I’m still buzzing.”
“Lexi, you don’t—”
“No, I totally misread you. It’s just that when you asked me why I was still dressed, I assumed you wanted to have sex.”
“Damn, Lexi, you’re making this so hard for me.” My voice broke as I felt my heart break in two. Conflicting emotions crashed inside of me, confusing me to the point where I didn’t know what to say or think.
“I was stupid for thinking that you did. I mean, you just told me the other day that you didn’t want to be with me.”
I rubbed my chest, feeling the crack in my heart spread, shattering it into a thousand pieces. How could I make her understand that I wanted to be with her, but I wasn’t what she needed? I just had to tell her. Tell her how I really felt and hope she’d understand.
“Lexi, it’s not that I don’t want to be with you, because I do. I want that more than anything. It’s just that...”
“It’s okay, Raven, I get it.” She wiped her cheeks. “I’m not what you want.”
Damn. She had it all wrong.
“Hell, you’re everything I want and more.” I cupped her face with both hands. Using my thumbs, I wiped the tears streaming down her cheeks. I couldn’t keep holding on to her. Either I needed to be with her or walk away forever. But I couldn’t stand to think of Lexi being with another man. Giving her virginity to another guy, even if he was better than me.
“But you said you didn’t want to be with me,” she sniffed.
“Just because I said I’m not good for you, doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be with you.”
She stared at me. “I’m so confused, Raven.”
I grinned. “It’s really not that complicated.” I took a deep breath and lowered my head. Every force of nature couldn’t keep me from being with her. Lexi was all I wanted and needed. I couldn’t fight it any longer. The effect she had on me was like nothing I’d ever experienced.
And I wanted more of it.
Everything she had to offer.
And more.
Looking up at her, I said, “You see, because not only do I want to be with you, but I also want to make love to your body until you can’t stand it. Until your begging for me to stop.”
“What?” she muttered.
“But not like this. Not while you’ve been drinking.” I stroked my fingers along her cheeks and her body shivered against my touch. The need calling from within us was strong. So strong I was ready to forget about everything I just told her. But I couldn’t. I had to do this the right way. She at least deserved that from me.
“Raven, stay with me...please,” she pleaded and I almost said yes. “I don’t want to be alone.” She released the covers, exposing herself to me. Even with a strapless bra on, she had the most perfect breasts I’d ever seen.
“If I stay with you that could be dangerous.”
“I like dangerous.” She bit down on her lower lip, pulling off an erotic look that revved up my hormones.
The rise in my pants told me to get on with it or get out. “No, you like stupid and that’s me.”
She let out a soft laugh. “You’re not stupid, Raven.”
“Well, I’m stupid, crazy for you.” It took all my strength to peel my eyes from her body.
“Will you show me just how crazy you are for me?”
Lexi knew how to tempt me. No question about that. I kneaded my fingers through her hair and rested my head against hers. I took a few deep breaths, trying to calm myself. The exchange of energy between us was agonizing. Never had I wanted someone so badly before. My soul called out to Lexi’s, dying to be connected with the piece that had been missing. Lexi held a piece of me I couldn’t function without. I needed her to be whole.
“I want to, Lexi, I really do. But I’m not taking your virginity, not like this.” I placed a soft kiss on her lips, holding back from kissing her like I really wanted to. “You deserve to feel every part of me. To remember every part of me.”
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