‘So, you up for a quick drink at the Admiral?’ Polly asked as they both walked across the yard. ‘Everyone’s dying to see you.’
She chuckled.
‘Angie is particularly desperate to meet you. I think she’s feeling like the odd one out.’
‘Of course,’ Tommy said, turning to look at Polly. Her face was vibrant. So full of joy. If he could put off this moment, he would, but he knew he couldn’t.
‘Do you mind if we go for a walk first?’ Tommy slid his arm around Polly’s waist and pulled her gently towards him. ‘Give us a chance to chat on our own.’
‘Course.’
Polly looked at Tommy.
‘You know what?’
‘What?’ He smiled down at her upturned face.
‘I don’t think it’s possible to be any happier than I am now. Although,’ she added, a twinkle in her eyes, ‘I think that I might well be even happier this time next week.’
If he had had even the slightest inclination to put off this conversation until another day, then the mention of the wedding – and the fact it was now just seven days away – meant that he had to have this chat now, before Polly agreed to be his wife.
Tommy felt his shoulders sag.
‘Come on, let’s go down to the wharf,’ he said, letting Polly break free and hand in her time card.
They turned left out of the main gates and headed towards the edge of the river.
‘You know, we’ll have to start thinking about getting our own place,’ Polly said.
Tommy didn’t say anything. Instead he wrapped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her close.
‘Obviously, we’ll have to live with my ma for a while, but I was thinking we might be able to rent one of the cottages on Laura Street.’
Tommy remained silent.
‘Or the Diver’s House?’ Polly asked as they reached the metal railings by the river’s edge. Secretly, she was hoping that Tommy would dismiss the idea, as she didn’t want to be quite that far away from her ma and Bel. Especially when they started their family.
Tommy took her in his arms and kissed her.
‘Pol,’ he said, moving a thick strand of hair away from her face. ‘I need to tell you something.’
Polly heard the seriousness in his voice.
‘It’s something I know you’re not going to like.’
‘You’re worrying me,’ she said. ‘What is it? What am I not going to like?’
Tommy cupped her face in his hands. There was no other way round this.
‘I’m going back out there.’
Polly stared at Tommy.
‘What?’
‘I’m going back to Gibraltar.’
Polly continued to stare at Tommy in disbelief, his words not quite sinking in.
‘You’re going back to Gibraltar?’
Tommy nodded.
‘I’m so sorry, Polly. I have to. They need me.’
Polly grabbed his hands and pulled them away from her face.
‘No,’ she said, shaking her head. ‘You don’t have to. You’re needed here.’
She stepped away from him.
‘I don’t understand. You’ve just done a dive. You’re going to start work back here.’
‘Exactly,’ Tommy said. He stepped forward and tried to take her back into his arms. ‘I’m well enough to work here, which means I’m well enough to go back.’
Polly dodged his embrace.
‘No, no, no. That’s not true. You’re not well enough to go back. You’re not strong enough. You’ve been terribly ill. For God’s sake, you nearly died. It’s a miracle you’re still here.’ Polly could hear her voice getting louder.
‘I’m so sorry, Polly.’
Again, he reached forward to take her in his arms to reassure her.
Again, she moved away.
‘I need to go back there,’ he implored. ‘Look at me.’ He splayed his arms out wide. ‘I’m fit and healthy.’
‘No, you’re not! You’re not fit and healthy. You’re far from it. You’re not half as strong as you used to be. Any fool can see that.’
Polly stopped. A thought suddenly slammed into her mind. Tommy couldn’t go back – even if he wanted to.
‘You won’t pass the medical,’ she said, as much to herself as to Tommy. She knew what Dr Parker had said. Tommy’s body would always be at risk from infection. No spleen equalled greater risk. ‘There’s no way they’ll allow you to go back.’
Polly could feel a rush of relief and almost laughed with joy.
‘Tommy,’ she said, her voice softening. ‘It’s incredibly courageous of you to want to go back out there, but there’s no way they’ll let you. Your body’s just not up to it.’
There was a moment’s silence.
‘I’ve been passed,’ Tommy said quietly.
‘What?’ Polly was genuinely perplexed.
‘I’ve been passed – medically.’ Tommy hesitated. ‘By the doc.’
‘What? Dr Parker’s passed you?’ Polly said, her eyes glued to Tommy. ‘I don’t understand.’ Her mind was whirring. Was this really happening? All of sudden everything seemed unreal.
‘Please, Polly, I know this is hard on you,’ Tommy pleaded. ‘But I need you to understand.’ He didn’t like the blank look on Polly’s face.
‘My love for you is everything,’ he said, stepping towards her and gently taking both her hands in his own. ‘Everything,’ he repeated. ‘You are my world. I’ve never wanted anyone as much as I’ve wanted you.’
He took a deep breath.
‘But this war is all-consuming. It’s not about me. Or you. Or us. It’s about winning. We have to win this war. There’s no other way. If we don’t, we mightn’t even have a future together.’
Tommy freed one hand and touched the side of her face.
‘You’ve got to understand, Pol. I’ve got to go back. I’m needed more there than I am here. It’s really that simple.’
Polly looked at Tommy. The reality of what she was hearing suddenly overwhelmed her. Tears started to well up. Her chest filled with the most unbearable sorrow and she started to cry. Great heaving sobs.
‘Please, Tommy, don’t do this.’
Tears were already streaming down her face and dripping from her lips.
‘Please. I can’t lose you again. I can’t. Please do this for me.’
Polly knew she was begging but she didn’t care. She would get on her knees if she thought it might make Tommy change his mind. She reached out and wrapped her arms around his neck and held him tight.
Tommy held her tight too.
‘I’m sorry … I’m so sorry, Pol,’ he murmured into her ears. He could smell her skin and hair. Her scent.
He felt his heart breaking and realised it was his own hands that were ripping it apart.
They stayed like that until Polly was unable to cry any more.
There was nothing left.
She pulled herself away and looked Tommy in the eyes. She knew it didn’t matter what she said or did. He was resolute.
Tommy was going and there was nothing she could do about it.
And with this realisation, the sorrow dragging her under was pushed aside by the anger that was now rising up.
A terrible, vitriolic anger, and its target was right here in front of her.
The love that she felt for Tommy – had felt for him over the past two and a half years – was congealing into hatred.
Polly wiped her eyes with the sleeve of her overalls.
‘After everything that has happened. After everything you have put me through.’
She grabbed the railings and looked up at the outline of the barrage balloons floating high in the night sky.
‘You made me fall in love with you and then you left me. Told me you had to go to war. And I understood. It broke my heart, but I understood. I waited and waited. Worried every single day that something terrible might happen to you. Feasted on your letters when they arrived, beyond relieved that you were still alive.’
She brought her attention back from the sky and turned to face Tommy.
‘When I thought you were dead, I wanted to die myself. Sometimes I didn’t feel like I could breathe, imagining a life without you.’
Tears of sadness had now turned into tears of resentment, born of the remembrance of the grief she had endured.
‘So don’t think for one moment that I will marry you now. I have no intention of wearing white only to end up shrouded in black for the rest of my life.’
She glared at him.
‘I hate you, Tommy Watts. I hate you as much as I loved you. I wish I had never clapped eyes on you. I wish Helen had seduced you. Had taken you off me. Spared me all the hell you’ve put me through.’
Adrenaline was making her feel nauseous and she took a deep breath.
‘We have the chance of a life. A happy, loving life.’
Tears were once again spilling down her face.
‘And you’re choosing to give it all up. Sacrifice the life we could have. For what? Do you think that one person might change the course of this war? You’ve done your bit, Tommy. More than your bit. And you could keep doing your bit here.’
Polly let out a bitter laugh.
‘But, no. You’ve got to play the hero. Go back out there. Have another game of Russian roulette – why not?’
She cast Tommy a look that could only be described as demonic.
‘The more I think about it, the more I think you’ve really got a death wish, Tommy Watts. You’ve always said to me how much you’re not like your mam. But I think you’re exactly like her.’
Polly paused.
‘I think you want to die.’
Her words cut deep.
Polly pushed Tommy away with both hands.
‘Just go!’
She pushed him again.
‘Leave me alone. I never want to see you again. Ever.’