AROMA ESPRESSO BAR, TEL AVIV, ISRAEL—17:45 / 5:45 P.M. IST
It was hard to miss Nicole even though she sat at a small, two-person table well inside of the café’s glass wall, away from other patrons. The tabletop was empty, so when Nir came through the door and caught her eye, he held up two fingers. She smiled and nodded. He ordered two lattes, then carried the ceramic mugs to the table.
Nicole stood, and after he’d set the mugs down, she hugged him tightly. Surprised, Nir wrapped his arms around her too. She felt so good, so familiar, and her hair smelled even better than the Aroma coffee. Finally, they both pulled back.
“I have to apologize again…” Nir said the same time Nicole said, “Nir, I am so sorry…”
They both stopped and laughed awkwardly.
“Please.” Nir said as he held her chair for her. “Let me start.”
“Okay. But whatever you’re about to say is completely unnecessary.”
Nir sat down across from her and took a sip of his steaming latte. He breathed in deeply, then held it for a second. “Nicole, I’m sorry for disrespecting you. I let my emotions—my feelings for you—cloud my judgment. I thought I was going to lose you in Iran. I felt so helpless. Then when you came back safely, I was upset at not being able to do anything to help you. I think by telling you I would never let you get back into such a precarious position, I was trying to get my man card back. You know, by taking control.”
“Wow, you’ve really thought this whole thing through.” She smiled.
Nir shrugged. “Yeah, I don’t normally get this reflective. Touchy-feely. But I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what I did wrong so that if I ever had another chance to be with you I would be sure not to do it again.”
Nicole reached her hand across the table and placed it on his. “If there’s anything to forgive, consider it forgiven.”
Her hand was chilly, but before he had a chance to warm it with his other hand, she pulled back. “I have a couple of things to say to you too. First, an apology. Then, a story.”
She looked down at her untouched coffee, then lifted her eyes to his. “When I came back from Iran, I was shaken. As you can imagine, it was terrible. I was treated roughly, but thankfully they never touched me…you know, inappropriately. But the threat of it was constant. Add to that the uncertainty of my future. I didn’t know if I was going to be put on trial, sent to prison, maybe even executed.”
Nir reached for her hand, but she quickly took hold of her coffee mug and lifted it to her lips.
Just sit back and let her talk. The only part of you she needs right now is your ear.
“So when I got back, I was a basket case. I was celebrated by the ramsad and the brass for my part in getting the nuclear information out, and I tried to put on a front on the outside, like it was no big deal. But inside I was a mess. What you said to me… It was the wrong thing to say at the wrong time. But I way overreacted. That’s where I have to apologize to you. You didn’t deserve my words that day or on the phone later. I had all this fear and rage in me, and you became the target. You didn’t deserve it. I’m truly sorry.”
“It’s done. It’s the past. Let’s move on.” Nir looked into Nicole’s eyes, where tears were ready to spill over. He returned to the counter, where he pulled some napkins from a dispenser. But by the time he came back, her eyes were drying. She thanked him anyway and set the napkins in a wad on the table.
“That was actually the easy part.” She gave a nervous laugh. “I have no idea how you’ll respond to the rest of the story.”
“Short of you telling me you’re a spy for the IRGC, I think I can handle anything you have to say.” Nir finished the rest of his latte as he waited for Nicole to begin again. She saw that his mug was empty and swapped it for hers, which was still mostly full. Nicole wasn’t a huge coffee drinker, and this swap had occurred often when they were together. It made Nir feel hopeful to watch her trade those mugs again.
“Soon after the whole Iran incident, not long after our last phone call, the ramsad offered me a leave of absence. Even though I thought I was putting on a strong front, he could see through the bravado.”
Nir knew about this leave from reading her file, but he didn’t tell her this. Besides, he was curious to find out what she’d done with her time away from the agency.
“I decided to go down to see Christiaan. Remember I told you it seemed like he was getting his life straight? I just wanted to see what was happening with him and to be around someone I knew had one hundred percent unconditional love for me. So I went home to South Africa, and it soon became apparent what had changed him. And here’s where I’m not sure how you’re going to react, because I know how you feel about this kind of stuff. I used to feel the same way.”
Again, there was the nervous laughter.
“Come on, Nicole. You know you can tell me anything.”
“Okay, then.” She looked straight into his eyes. “Christiaan had found Jesus.”
“Found Jesus? I didn’t even know Jesus was lost.” As soon as he said it, he wished he could take it back. He saw the crestfallen look on Nicole’s face, and he wanted to slam his head into a wall.
“You see? That’s why I didn’t want to say anything. I know how you feel about God and religion.” She leaned back in her chair and crossed her arms.
“I’m sorry! I’m sorry! Stupid thing to say. I’m an idiot. It just slipped out before I could stop it. Please go on. I really want to hear. I’ve been hoping for so long that Christiaan would get his life together.”
Nicole uncrossed her arms and put her hands back in her lap. “Okay. So I was skeptical, too, at first. We weren’t raised with any kind of religion or church or anything. I went down there, and suddenly he’s in church every Sunday and in a Christian recovery group every Wednesday and in a mini-group or family group or small group or something like that every Friday night. When I first went down there, I agreed to go with him on Sundays, but I didn’t want anything to do with the rest of the stuff. I joked with him, calling him Christiaan the Christian. I wasn’t being mean or anything. In fact, I was glad for him because it was the first time I’d seen him happy since we were little kids.
“Then I met Jozette, Christiaan’s girlfriend. She’s divorced and has a little girl, Kerina, who’s four, and a two-year-old boy named Mattys. They’re the cutest kids ever. We spent some time together, and she shared some of her own backstory of violence and abuse. She knew fear, but she’d also found peace.”
Nicole’s eyes were welling up again, and this time she took a couple of the napkins and dabbed at the tears.
“I was such a mess inside, and I didn’t understand how Jozette could have so much joy in her after all she’d gone through. When I asked her, she gave me the same answer Christiaan had given me. They both said they found their hope when they gave themselves to Jesus.”
Nir wanted to roll his eyes. He’d grown up with religion all around him, but it never appealed to him. He didn’t see the purpose. It seemed that everyone acted exactly the same whether they went to synagogue or not. So many would spend their week lying and cheating and stealing, then light their Shabbat candles at the end of the week.
“So are you saying you’re a Christian now too?”
Nicole smiled. “Yeah, that’s what I’m saying.”
“And…”
“And it’s wonderful, Nir. I’m not afraid or angry anymore over what happened to me in Iran. I’ve forgiven my mom for killing herself with drugs. and I’ve forgiven Christiaan for abandoning me for his world of substance abuse. Best of all, I feel like I’ve got a family again. Christiaan is about to propose to Jozette, which means I not only have my twin brother again, but I’m getting a sister and a niece and nephew too.”
The joy in Nicole’s words and on her face was unlike anything he’d seen in her before. They’d had a lot of laughs and some great times, but there’d always been an underlying edge to her—as if the effects of her family dynamics were always just below the surface, waiting to come out with a snide remark or a harsh word. But from what he could see now, that edge was gone, replaced by something new—peace.
“That’s great, Nicole. I’m so happy for you.” And he genuinely was, despite religion being the root cause of her joy. He was thrilled that she’d finally found peace and that it seemed like that peace extended to their relationship as well. Yet so many questions came with her new faith. Was she the same woman he used to know? How would this newfound belief affect her work with the Mossad? Would she still be comfortable assisting in the targeted elimination of bad guys? And what would happen if the rest of the team found out? She was already viewed as an outsider by some because she was a goy.
Most of all, what did this mean for their relationship? Was there room in her heart for both Jesus and him? Worse, would she now spend all her time trying to convert him? That was a losing proposition; he could assure her of that right from the beginning.
Nicole smiled. “I can see in your eyes that you’re trying to figure out how this will work with me being a Christian, especially with you leading the team. That’s why I wanted to tell you right away. If you decide the dynamics will be too weird for the team or for you, I’ll totally understand your removing me.”
“Do you want to stay on the team? Even if that means working for me?”
“More than anything.”
Those three words did something in him—like his insides did a backflip with a half-twist. “Great, because we need you. Besides, Efraim wouldn’t let me kick you off the team even if I wanted to.”
“Yeah, I’ve got him wrapped around my little finger.” She winked. Then reaching out again, she took his hands in both of hers. “I just want you to know that when Efraim told me you were the one leading this team, I jumped at the opportunity. There’s no one I trust more to lead. There’s no one I trust more with my safety.”
She held his hands a moment longer, then released them. “I’m going to go.” She stood, then reached behind her for her jacket. Nir jumped up and helped her put it on. She thanked him, then leaned forward and gave him a kiss on the cheek before walking away.
Nir signaled back to the counter for another latte, then watched Nicole through the glass walls. That had not gone at all like he’d expected. He had more questions about their relationship now than he’d had before he arrived.
All in due time. I have a much bigger issue to worry about right now.