one

THE DAY HIROSHIMA WAS BOMBED I WEPT. The war was over. There’d be crowds singing in the street, they’d be waving flags in Trafalgar Square and doing the conga down Whitehall and cheering the King and Queen in front of Buckingham Palace – while I was in despair because the end of the war meant the end of my independence. I’d have to go home and live with my parents – like young women had done in that prehistoric era: Before the War.

Of course I was glad we’d won the war! Of course I was! But – I’d never be able to live on my own in London now it was all over. In the year since I’d left my boarding school, life in London had propelled me dizzily into adult life. The Nazis’ new rocket, the doodlebug, whizzed out of the air without warning; you had to live for the moment, but the strange thing was that the big threat of war made everything else seem safe. I had no fear as I trod the blacked-out streets, the light from my torch veiled with tissue paper. My feet scrunched on glass and I passed craters and gaping holes where buildings should have been, but hope and excitement bubbled up within me as I made for my latest rendezvous.

Now the war was over and with it my new life. I’d be going back to Hampshire. The mushroom clouds of the atom bomb darkened the future as the truth of its devastation slowly leaked out. The blackout curtains had been down for nearly a year, but I contemplated my future prospects with deepening gloom.

Then I met Alan and the sun shone again. Marriage: it was the ideal solution.

.........

Cigarette smoke fogged the air, but at least it was warm in the pub, hot in fact. I loosened my musquash coat. Alan smiled down at me.

‘What’ll you have?’

‘Cherry brandy please.’ Huddled in with the crowd at the bar, I looked round, excited. Already I was drunk with the voices, the drifting smoke, the warm orange light and the familiar faces. There was the drunken old painter, smelling of pee, who muttered ‘Got any mun?’ – money – as she leered up at Alan, then swerved away. Maclaren-Ross at the far end of the bar held court as usual, his cigarette holder at an aggressive angle. Hair swept back, eyes bloodshot, coat shabby, his lordly manner negated it all, force of will trumping reality.

There was a blast of freezing air as the door opened and shut. Hugh waved. With Colin he surged towards us, slapped Alan on the back and then bent with parodied homage over my hand. ‘Dinah! You look stunning this evening.’ He turned to Alan. ‘The usual for me.’

‘They’ve run out. There’s whisky, though.’

Colin, only recently demobbed, continued to wear his army greatcoat, which made him look larger than ever. He towered over me, with his horn-rimmed spectacles and shock of blond hair, savagely shaved up the nape of his neck, but erupting in massive waves above his forehead in a parody of an Eton crop. You could just imagine him striding about in the Spanish Civil War, he was so impressive, distinguished, commanding. Alan said he was tremendously clever; and a Communist. Cleverness and communism, which seemed mysteriously linked, surrounded him with an alarming aura, and I was afraid he thought I was stupid.

Now we were wedged round a table with our drinks. Hugh’s face was alert with expectation. ‘Enescu’s promised to look in.’

‘The Romanian?’ Colin frowned. ‘House of Shadows? That Enescu?’

‘The very same, old dear. As if there could be more than one.’

Colin looked from Hugh to Alan and back again. ‘Why are we meeting him?’

Hugh’s thin face broke into a smile. He tossed the long lock of hair foppishly back from his forehead. ‘We’re cultivating him,’ he said. ‘Good idea, eh? Working with the director of the moment?’

‘Why haven’t you told me about this?’ Colin looked very put out.

‘I met him by chance – I just took the initiative, that’s all.’

Colin raised his eyebrows. ‘You should have asked me – after all, I know Romania, I was there, remember? The most fascist nation on earth.’

Hugh smiled winningly. ‘That’s probably why he left.’

‘Oh, really? Rather depends on when he left, doesn’t it? When did he leave, by the way?’

Hugh didn’t know.

‘He just wants to make films,’ said Alan mildly. ‘Not much chance of that in Romania at the moment.’ He put a hand on Colin’s arm. ‘You’re right. We should have discussed it first, but Hugh just happened to meet him – it was too good an opportunity to miss. And they say he’s brilliant at getting money, so … we took the plunge.’ He paused. ‘Is Romania really the most fascist country? More than Germany?’

Colin didn’t reply. He was still scowling. Alan and Hugh exchanged looks.

‘It’s just a drink, old man.’ Alan patted his shoulder.

‘We haven’t been plotting behind your back.’ But this remark of Hugh’s seemed to irritate Colin even more.

I sympathised with Colin, because I felt excluded too. I did sometimes feel they treated me like a child. I was a married woman, after all, even if I was only twenty. But then again, they were so much older. Alan was thirty. That had worried my father. I know about these things, he’d said – he didn’t do divorce work himself, but as a barrister he knew all about it. The war’s caused havoc with marriage, he said and wanted us to wait, but I threatened to go off and live in sin or elope, so he more or less had to give his consent.

Well, anyway – I didn’t care if the three of them ignored me. The prospect of meeting a film director was thrilling.

They were still arguing. ‘Rossellini; Rome, Open City, now that’s cinema! Enescu’s film is just Transylvanian gothic rubbish.’ Colin could be awfully pompous.

‘Your ideological slip is showing, old man,’ said Alan. ‘You have to admit it was pretty atmospheric.’

The door opened and shut continually. The extremes of heat and cold made me feel feverish, desperately excited, I was unsure what about.

‘I thought House of Shadows was beautiful,’ I said. ‘Chilling, actually.’

‘She’s coming,’ said Hugh with a flirtatious glance sideways, as though that would win Colin round. ‘Of course, she can’t really act, but she does look wonderful.’ But Colin frowned even more.

‘She?’ I looked from one to the other of my three musketeers. Alan smiled kindly.

‘Gwendolen Grey.’

‘The star!’ I looked round at them. ‘Why are you laughing? She was marvellous. How thrilling to meet her!’

‘Darling,’ said Alan, ‘Miranda in The Tempest! “Oh brave new world” and all that. I wish I were young again.’

‘You’re only thirty! That’s not old.’

More friendly laughter: ‘Oh yes it is,’ said Hugh, ‘I feel terrible when I wake up in the morning. I bet you just leap out of bed, Dinah.’

‘Not if I have anything to do with it,’ said Alan.

I blushed. Anyway, we all knew it was a question of experience, rather than age itself. Alan and Hugh had been with the Crown Film Unit pretty much all through the war, so they hadn’t seen active service as Colin had, but they’d been right through the Blitz, and risked their lives doing fire duty and all that sort of thing. Besides, before the war they’d already been adults: students at Cambridge and involved in all the politics of that time; Alan had nearly gone to Spain to fight Franco in the Spanish Civil War. And Colin really had!

And where had I been? At boarding school in the windswept wastes of East Anglia, where the war had meant merely boredom and a sense of thwarted rebellion. Even a year in the lowliest reaches of the War Office couldn’t compare with what they’d been through, the V2 doodlebugs notwithstanding. Although I’d been thirteen when war broke out, I hardly remembered what life had been like before 1939. Everything had always been: For the Duration of the War.

Then, finally, the Duration ended. The war was over. Perhaps it was because I was older now, a grown-up married woman, but the strange thing was, quite soon, everything seemed almost worse than the war itself. The joy and relief of victory leaked away and – well, abroad it seemed so grim, with the concentration camps and refugees all over Europe, and starvation, and a sort of dark cloud all over eastern Europe that was Soviet Russia. Meanwhile at home, in a different way the Duration still carried on: the queues and the drabness, the shortages and the discomfort, but without beating the Germans to give it all meaning.

My new rackety life with Alan outweighed all that, though. Life in London was absolutely thrilling.

The men had stopped arguing. Colin was outlining his plan for a film about refugees in Europe. He’d been all over the place, seen what was going on. It angered him that Germans were actually fleeing the Russian-occupied eastern zone. His face darkened. ‘They don’t know what’s good for them,’ he muttered.

‘Some of the Russian troops are pretty brutal, I heard,’ said Hugh with a sly smile, hoping to provoke, but Colin had turned away.

‘They’re here,’ he said in a completely different tone of voice.

A lull in the braying and chatter cleared a zone of quiet recognition around the film star. She was flanked by two men, positioned just behind her like a minor entourage, and was smaller than I’d expected. Nor was she beautiful exactly, and certainly not pretty; but the heavy-lidded eyes in her sad oval face suggested dark, tragic romance. And there was a brightness about her, setting her apart from the grey, postwar faces. Perhaps it was nothing more than good make-up, but because I’d seen her only in black and white on celluloid, her blue-black hair, blue eyes and white skin seemed vivid beneath her black astrakhan hat. With her red lips and spiky lashes she reminded me of the stepmother in Snow White.

It was only a moment; then the waves of talk rose as the newcomers bore down on our table. There was confusion; chairs scraped back, Alan, Colin and Hugh stood up, drinks were obtained, the circle widened. Eventually we were all sitting rather uncomfortably, knees squashed together, chair legs entangled. I inhaled her scent. It was heavy, intoxicating.

‘I love your scent,’ I said, daring.

‘L’Heure Bleue,’ she murmured, as if letting me into a secret: the twilight hour. Then: ‘Have you met Radu before?’

I shook my head and she and I both stared at the director, cornered by Alan and Hugh. My mother would have said he was a bit too good looking; in a bad mood my father might have used the word ‘dago’.

Radu Enescu certainly looked a bit spivvy, but perhaps it was just his astrakhan coat and the thick wavy hair oiled back from his forehead. His chestnut brown eyes darted around as he listened, bent slightly towards Alan because of the noise. A half smile curved his full red lips and when he laughed he showed dazzling white teeth. For a moment his eyes met mine and I felt the electric shock of his attention. Looking into my soul – or just undressing me; I wasn’t sure which.

Colin looked on in belligerent silence. I wondered if he was going to pick a quarrel. He simply could not resist a political argument. But he suddenly turned his back and spoke to the third member of their party, whose name I hadn’t heard. He too looked out of place in his pin-striped suit, among the Wheatsheaf crowd with their tweed jackets, corduroy and mouldy polo necks. Perhaps Gwendolen Grey and her escorts had been to some grand restaurant for dinner.

Colin said: ‘Not your usual watering hole? You’re in films too?’

The stranger smiled. ‘I’m in the property business.’ His grey homburg hat sat on his knees.

Colin bristled – well, perhaps not visibly, but I knew it would rile him. A real-life capitalist: Colin hated those. He held out his silver cigarette case. The man with the homburg hat shook his head. ‘Thanks. I don’t.’

I put out a hand. ‘What about me? Please?’

‘I’m so sorry, of course.’

The non-smoking stranger had a lighter all the same, and it flared swiftly as he held it towards me. As I bent to the flame I lightly touched my hand over his, a sophisticated gesture I’d only just acquired. ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t hear your name,’ I said.

‘Stanley Colman.’

‘I’m Dinah Wentworth.’ I nodded my head towards Alan. ‘He’s my husband.’

He looked me over, seemed to find something amusing. ‘You often come here? Bit noisy, isn’t it?’

‘I don’t mind. I like it.’ I more than liked it; it was our social centre, the place to be. ‘We come here all the time,’ I said proudly, ‘we’re regulars.’

Gwendolen Grey suddenly spoke, addressing Colin. ‘Stan has money to burn. He wants to invest in films. Talk to him. You’ll find he’s very generous.’ She spoke with a kind of proprietorial contempt. Her diction was perfect, yet her voice had a metallic edge to it. I found myself thinking of a rusty blade, something harsh. It hadn’t jarred like that in the film – or I hadn’t noticed, anyway.

‘Not so fast, Gwenny. I thought you wanted me to underwrite Radu’s latest plan.’

‘I’d rather you didn’t call me Gwenny, sweetie.’

Colin unbent a little. ‘Are you seriously interested in films?’ Either he no longer cared that he was dealing with an evil capitalist, or else ambition had driven out doubt. Anyway, as he’d already told me more than once, for a Communist the end justifies the means.

‘So which one is your husband?’ the rusty voice murmured. She made me feel terribly shy. ‘Alan – Alan Wentworth.’ I smiled bashfully sideways.

‘Yes, but which one is he, angel? I can’t tell them apart.’

‘The one with black hair.’

‘Lucky you – the handsome one.’

I felt myself blushing, which was ridiculous, but I couldn’t help it. ‘Oh … I don’t know,’ I stammered, but of course Alan was good looking with his beautiful straight nose, rosy skin and narrow eyes – something about those dark eyes signalled intelligence.

‘And what do you do?’

‘Do?’ Now my voice sounded squeaky. Normally I was quite confident, but for some reason she made me feel shy. ‘Well – nothing much – at the moment. We haven’t been married long.’ I hesitated. Did I dare say it or would I look idiotic? I had to take the chance: ‘What I really want to do is act.’

It was as if she hadn’t heard. I felt snubbed by her blank silence. Still, I had to keep my end up, so I tried flattery. ‘I just loved your film. I thought you acted so beautifully.’

‘Thank you,’ she said, but she didn’t seem especially pleased. ‘Really, you know, it was all due to Radu. It’s the director who makes a film, the actors are so very secondary.’ She was watching the Romanian as she spoke. ‘He has an extraordinary talent, you know.’ She stared across the table at Enescu for a moment. Then her tragic gaze beamed itself at me. ‘You should talk to him about acting. He might find you a part.’

This was so exciting I could hardly speak. ‘Oh –’ and my voice came out all squeaky, ‘that’s … thank you! Thank you so much.’

The men were all still listening to Colin’s pitch. Perhaps Gwendolen Grey didn’t like not having the full attention of all the men in the vicinity, for as soon as Colin finished speaking, she murmured: ‘Chuck me a cigarette, would you, angel?’ And she smiled at him. ‘Colin, is it?’

Colin sprang to attention, but I could tell she wasn’t his type. Colin was a bit of a dark horse where women were concerned; or perhaps it was just that he was too serious to flirt.

Later we walked in a crowd up Charlotte Street to Tommy’s basement café. It was a steamy, dirty, friendly place. Mother would have thought it dreadfully unhygienic, but the pub shut at ten, so if the conversations and projects and plans and gossip were to continue it was Tommy’s or nothing.

Stanley Colman stared around with a look of amusement – you could tell he felt he was slumming – tipped the homburg hat back on his head, then removed it altogether. I hadn’t noticed before, but he was good looking. He had masses of curly hair, a noble face, a Grecian profile and his greenish eyes with their long lashes tinged his expression with melancholy. He had broad shoulders too, but he wasn’t as tall as you’d expect if you saw him sitting down; the lower half of his body dwindled away to short legs. Still, I liked the way he stood, planted firmly on his feet, what you might call a commanding presence.

We sat at two rickety tables. Tommy’s minion, a weedy-looking boy of about fifteen, came over and wiped the shiny tablecloths. Soon he returned with thick, chipped white plates piled with bacon and eggs, fried cabbage and bread and fried potatoes. There was tea in mugs. Our new friends weren’t eating. The two men ordered coffee, but when it came, Enescu nearly choked. ‘You call this coffee? My God, you British. Never have I eaten such terrible food,’ he said tactlessly. ‘I tell you, in the war, and during my escape, and all through Europe, never, never did I eat food so terrible as what I eat since I come here. Your food is a crime!’

I felt a faint, resentful flicker of patriotic pride. Didn’t he know we’d had rationing, shortages, fair shares? That’s how we’d won the war. And I’d heard that the French had had to make coffee out of acorns. But before I could speak Colin cut in.

‘Fighting the Nazis, were you?’ he enquired in a dangerously neutral voice. I stared at Alan, willing him to head Colin off, but Enescu smiled dazzlingly. ‘One day I hope to make a film on this subject. The time is not yet. What you and I –’ and with the hand holding his cigarette he gestured at their circle – ‘what we should be doing is a different project. I am telling you, the success of my film, this is what should be pursued. People are wanting fantasy, escape, beauty. They are not yet ready to hear more about the war, about horrors. Later that will come. For now it is romance, excitement, yes, but in history – historical drama. Look at Olivier in Henry the Fifth.’

Alan said, rather ponderously: ‘But that was about this war in a way. It was extremely patriotic.’

Radu smiled harder than ever. ‘Your Gainsborough films then – The Wicked Lady! What a film. A tragedy Gwendolen has not starred in this film. Margaret Lockwood was okay, she was good fun, you might say, but with Gwendolen –’ and he kissed the tips of his fingers – ‘it would have been unbelievable.’

I waited for the explosion. I knew they all despised the Gainsborough films, tosh for housewives, they thought those costume dramas. But there was merely a chilly silence.

‘What subject exactly,’ began Alan cautiously, ‘had you in mind?’

Radu looked round at them. He must have caught the atmosphere, for he changed tack. ‘Maybe it is possible – the refugee idea. But this has to be done in dramatic way, romance, passion. Otherwise, it is too much for audiences.’

All the while, Gwendolen Grey smoked languidly.

‘How did you get into films?’ I asked her.

Her long lips curved in a faint smile. ‘Oh, it’s a long story.’

A story she evidently wasn’t going to tell me.

.........

Someone had heard about a party. We all squeezed into the back of Stanley Colman’s Bentley. I was on Alan’s knee. Gwendolen Grey sat in the front.

The party was in a lofty, battered stucco terrace overlooking Regent’s Park. We passed under the scaffolding that seemed to be keeping the house from collapsing altogether, and trudged up magnificent flights of stairs. Bomb damage had torn the plaster away from the walls in places and the lower floors looked uninhabitable. A howling draught came through badly boarded up windows from which all the glass had long since been blown out. It was not completely dark, for candles had been perilously placed at intervals on the stairs and sent long shadows up the walls.

At the top of the house the windows had somehow remained intact, held together by criss-crossed strips of brown sticky paper. You could still feel the wind coming up through the floorboards, but that didn’t matter. The rooms were jammed.

‘We’re drinking home-made mead,’ said our host. I hadn’t met him before, but he knew Hugh.

Enescu, Stanley Colman and Gwendolen Grey followed along behind. Heads turned when Gwendolen appeared in the doorway. It wasn’t that everyone recognised her, so much as that her strange looks couldn’t pass unnoticed. She slayed them, just as she’d slayed the crowd in the Wheatsheaf.

She and I left our coats in a little side room. ‘Who are these people?’ said Gwendolen in a low voice.

‘I don’t know them! We’re practically gate crashing.’

‘Your friends – your husband –’ Gwen put a hand on my arm. Her voice was hoarse and low. ‘Stanley’s taking them for a ride, you know. He’s only interested in films because of me.’ I stared at her, surprised and discouraged. It was the very opposite of what she’d said earlier. ‘Radu might get something out of him, but I doubt if he has as much as he claims. Men like him, they’re all so boastful. That’s how they make their money in the first place.’ She put her hand – such long, dark red nails – on my arm. The hand looked so white against my dark blue velvet sleeve. ‘Still, Enescu deserves the money,’ she said. ‘He’s a genius. You know that.’

Her sudden change of mood startled me. But it was less a change of mood than a feeling that the different things she said didn’t quite add up; there was something dislocated about her. Perhaps that was part of being an actress. Now, she changed again. She turned to the mirror and patted her hair. ‘Are you in love with your husband?’ She paused again. ‘Oh – I’m sorry, I’ve shocked you. Of course you are!’ She leaned against the wall. ‘I suppose you’ll be having babies.’

I felt myself blushing, thinking of the awkward, grown-up business of birth control, French letters, or the slippery dutch cap, and that other, more shocking method, causing first pain, but then a fiercer, darker thrill, a rush of sensation that left me shaken. ‘Well, perhaps not quite yet, but … of course I expect … eventually …’

‘Don’t,’ she said coldly. And moved away into the room where the party was in full swing. I followed her, but at a distance. Our little group had stuck together, the men still talking film business. Gwendolen sank onto a sofa. A couple of admirers bent towards her. The mead was very sweet. I stood near the door, drinking greedily.

A rotund man with wild carrot curls and a pink face reeled against the wall beside me. ‘I say – haven’t got a cigarette, have you?’

I silently passed him my packet. He lit up. ‘Just had a bit of a shock. Saw my ex. She bloody cut me dead. That’s a bit rich, don’t you think? Didn’t even acknowledge my existence.’ He giggled. ‘Who are you anyway?’ He leaned close to me.

Close to, he smelled of drink and that ear-wax smell, the smell of a man who doesn’t wash a lot. I glanced at my friends, but they’d forgotten about me. I didn’t care; I could flirt with this rather unsavoury specimen of manhood. ‘I’m Dinah. Who are you?’

‘Who am I?’ He giggled again. ‘What a very existential question. Who – am – I! Name’s Titus Mavor, dearie, ex-gentleman, ex-communist, ex-Surrealist, ex-painter, exhausted.’ With that he planted a pudgy hand on my breast and made an attempt to kiss me.

Already things had gone too far. I didn’t think I could cope in my present state. The mead was making me feel woozy, and, worse than woozy, queasy. I feared I might actually be going to be sick. ‘Excuse me,’ I muttered and tried to move away.

‘Wassa matter?’ He looked at me blearily. ‘Cocktails too much for you? That silly ass Simon spiked the drinks with Benzedrine. Said it’d make the party go with a swing.’

Now I was feeling I really might be sick. I pushed past him and made for the passage, hoping there’d be a lavatory close by, but instead I found myself in the room with the coats, and lay down. The bed at once swooped up – up in the air and then sank down – down, then up – up and down again. I lay there with my eyes closed. Either I should soon be sick, or the feeling would pass off.

Dimly I heard voices in the corridor. I listened, to take my mind off the nausea.

‘Mavor, isn’t it? I’m Noel Valentine. I’ve been trying to get hold of you. I’m an art dealer – I believe you own some paintings that–’

‘Of course I own some paintings – I’m a bloody painter, aren’t I?’

‘Naturally your own work would be of interest, but … I heard …’

The bed was still lurching up and down like a ship in a storm.

‘… major Surrealists …’

‘Wassa supposed to mean …’m a major Surrealist in m’own … are you saying …’

‘I was just interested … just a proposition–’

‘Oh, push off, you … wretched little … uaargh–’

Someone invaded the room, my refuge. It was the redhead again. He fell heavily on the end of the bed. ‘Oh –’ he reared up and looked blearily in my direction, ‘didn’t see you at first. Feeling rotten? Home-made alcohol is the devil, it really is. Got a fearful headache myself.’ He began to stroke my foot. That was the last thing I needed.

I pulled my foot away, almost kicking him. ‘Please don’t do that!’

‘Don’t be such a frigid little bitch.’ But then he keeled forward, and was sick. ‘Need the lavatory …’ He rose, swaying, to his feet. ‘If you’ll excuse me … feeling a little strange … think I’ll just …’

He staggered towards the doorway and toppled through it. A moment later I heard more violent retching.

The next thing I knew Alan was standing over me. ‘You all right? I couldn’t think where you’d gone.’ He looked at me sternly, and, as so often, I felt he was accusing me of something, that whatever it was must be my fault. ‘They’re leaving,’ he said. ‘Gwendolen’s had enough. They’ll give us a lift if we go with them. You don’t want to stay, do you?’

I shook my head. I sat up slowly. I was feeling a little better. I stood up, staggering slightly.

Alan steered me downstairs. ‘That mead was pretty lethal.’

Outside, the freezing air sobered me up. I took a great gulp of it, but then nearly slipped on the ice. It was so cold – colder than I ever remembered it.

We crushed ourselves into the car again. Stanley Colman dropped Gwendolen and the Romanian near Marble Arch. Hugh replaced Gwendolen in the front seat.

We drove on through the freezing wastes of London. It was one o’clock in the morning. And in spite of feeling sick, I was so happy. Life was so exciting; new things happening all the time.

I’d never have dreamed how quickly it was all going to get much too exciting – excitement toppling over into dark hysteria.