Stage 2: Anger

AGES 14-15, THE FEUDAL AGE

 

 

OF ALL THE EMOTIONS ASSOCIATED WITH PARENTING an adolescent, anger is king. I don’t think it’s necessarily because you’re mad all the time—well, actually it is because you’re mad all the time. But anger, in my psychological repertoire, is the default emotion for many of the others I would prefer not to feel, like fear, rejection, and sadness. Somehow, it seems more powerful to throw something against a wall or flip somebody off. Okay, now that my personality confessional is out of the way, let’s talk about your anger.

Unless you are Mother Teresa (in which case, you wouldn’t have had marital relations, wouldn’t have had kids, and wouldn’t now be suffering teen behavior that makes working in the slums of Calcutta seem like a super-relaxing alternative)—well, it’s likely your life has been filled with moments of anger.

When someone stole your toy in kindergarten, it made you angry. When someone stole your boyfriend in eighth grade, it made you angry. So now when your child steals himself away from you, it’s going to make you angry. You’re dealing with loss, and losing things makes people mad. That’s natural—but remember that natural can also mean painful. (Need I mention childbirth?)

Adolescence is all about control issues, and losing control likewise makes people angry. Time after time, you will mutter to yourself, “But WHY? WHY do I have to let him wear that ridiculous knit cap that makes him look like a terrorist/quit baseball /give up piano/fail history/eat handfuls of French fries/never say her prayers/stay up late/watch crap TV/make friends with losers /stop reading? WHY?”

You used to be able to control almost everything your child ate, drank, wore, watched, played with, learned, and said. You were the parent; that was your job. Now, with absolutely no warning, you’re supposed to embark on a systematic plan to turn full operational control over to the kid. It’s like Bill Gates being asked to turn Microsoft over to Carmen Electra. But turn it over you must.

So, you’re upset. This chapter deals with the righteousness of that anger and its ultimate futility. Eventually, you are going to have to accept that your child is growing up and leaving (keep in mind the long-term goal of separation). While you have every reason to resent your new role as the punching bag in your child’s boxing match with life, it’s important to look for ways to move beyond anger. To shorten the stage. To preserve what’s left of your equanimity and stomach lining.

Laughing helps.