Jeff
“It was great but no thanks.” I stare at Ashley and wait for her disgust and indignation to rise to the level of mine. “Can you believe that shit?”
She blows out a breath and gives me her sad eyes. “Yes, honey, I can. It's the same damn story you've been telling me for the past year. How are you so surprised?”
“What are you talking about?”
“It's a cycle you aren't willing to break.” She counts out the steps on her fingers. “You meet a guy, you hookup, you have fun, you think you're in love, he thinks he got lucky with a cute guy he never plans to see again, and you're heartbroken.”
I open my mouth to protest but can’t find any words to counter her points. She’s right. “I’m not heartbroken. I'm just pissed. He said he had a great time. So, if it was great, why wouldn't he want to see me again?”
“Jeff, you know why. We’ve had this conversation too. It’s the last step of your cycle.” She stirs her iced tea with her straw, pressing the lemon against the glass without meeting my eye.
I press my fingers to my temple. “Okay, remind me again.”
“The guys you pick up at bars aren’t looking for a relationship. They're looking to get laid, and you don't disappoint.”
As pissed as I am, I can't help but smile. While it’s true I've never left a man unsatisfied in bed—or alone in a bar to get his rocks off with someone else—it’s probably not something to be proud of.
“You need to learn to say no if you're actually looking for something serious.”
“Well, Mom, it just so happens that I believe if you don't have sexual chemistry, there's no point in pursuing a relationship.”
“Yes, but if you don't have a friendship first, then there's even less reason to pursue a relationship. You've been starting with sex, and it's gotten you nowhere. Maybe you need to try a different tactic.” She raises an eyebrow, daring me to argue with her logic.
“Okay, so…what, I swear off sex until I find Mr. Right?”
“It wouldn't kill you.”
Are you high, woman? “Yes, it would! I have needs, you know.”
“I’m not saying never have sex again. I just mean wait until, you know, after the first or second date before you give it up.”
“So you want me to go old-school?”
Ashley almost chokes on her tea. “Seriously? Waiting for the second date is old-school?”
“Having a date at all is old school.” I pop a fry into my mouth and chew obnoxiously just to annoy my best friend.
On some level, I know she's right. I do have a tendency to get carried away. In my mind, I understand that a hookup is just a hookup…but it doesn't really register with my heart when we have a good time. If we’re compatible and we have fun, why wouldn't we exchange numbers and try it again? It's like having a favorite food and then deciding never to eat again just to “mix things up.” It doesn't make sense.
After a few moments of silence between us, I give in. “Okay. I’ll admit that my current strategy isn't working.” I swirl a fry around in the pool of ketchup on my plate. “But how am I going to get these dates with guys who are only looking for a fuck?”
She pulls an ice cube out of her glass and tosses it at me. “You don't, you idiot, because you avoid them. If that's what they're looking for, then you’re the one to say ‘thanks, but no thanks.’”
“Oh, is that how it works?” I smirk at the confidence she tries to exude in her knowledge about gay dating. She’s sweet but clueless.
“Yes, it is. When you meet someone you think could be a friend first, then you suggest a date. At least one. Just try to go on one date with one guy who you think you might like without anything physical happening.”
“At all?” I raise an eyebrow. “Like, no kissing or anything?” Yeah, I’ll have guys banging down my door for a second date if I’m a total prude. Great plan.
“A kiss at the end of the night is fine to,” she raises her fingers up in air quotes, “’make sure there's chemistry.’ But that's it. If you both have fun and he wants to see you again, then you can decide when you're ready to hookup.”
Am I seriously considering this?
She takes another long drink of her tea then slams her glass down on the table. “But I'm telling you, as soon as you do the deed, don't be shocked if he walks away too. Guys are dogs. You know that as well as I do. That's why I wait until at least the fifth date.”
“Five?” Now I have to laugh. “Since when? That guy you met at the gym and had dinner with was still in your bed when I came by with bagels the next morning.”
Ashley smiles at the fond memory. “Okay. We all make exceptions to the rules, but I knew he wasn't a long-term keeper. He didn't even have a job. He was just some hot guy that was fun for a while.”
“How’s that different from what I want?”
“Because you can’t separate serious from not serious.” Her stupid finger is jabbing at me like she’s trying to squash an ant. “It's fine to hookup, but you don’t know how. You fall hard and shatter every time. It's just not healthy.”
I can’t argue with that. I’ve been spending more time lying around in front of the TV than I ever have in my life. It really isn’t healthy. “Fine. For the next month, I won't hookup with anybody on the first day I meet them.”
It’s only a month. How hard could that be?