“HOW’D IT GO WITH MARC?” I asked Ashley. It was later that night and she was over at my house.
“Oh my God!” she said.
“Oh my God good?”
“Oh my God!” Ashley said again.
“I’m dying here Ashley. Tell me. Tell me!”
“I am in like. I am in total like!”
“What happened?”
“Well,” Ashley said. “It started off a little awkward. I was demonstrating the smackdown move I made on that bastard Bert, but I accidentally let poor Marc have it across his face. I meant to hold back but, spaz that I am, that didn’t exactly happen.”
“I warned you!” I said.
“And then, I sorta said I had a boyfriend who went to another school, so Marc would think I was experienced and knew how to be around boys and all. But then he asked me what school and I got all tongue tied and said it wasn’t really a boyfriend just some random guy off the Internet.”
“Smooth move!”
“Yeah, I thought so. And then I was walking backwards so I could face to face him and he’d catch what was left of my twenty-five calming flower and plant essences, but I backed right into a stop sign and smacked my head and fell over backwards. I scratched the crap out of my knee and was bleeding all over, so we had to go to Fas Chek and get a Band-aid and it was super-embarrassing.”
“Nice!” I said, trying not to laugh. “It sounds like things went really well!”
“They did, they really did!” Ashley said, taking off her shoes and socks and, as always, sticking her feet in my lap. “I thought, Yeah, he’s a guy. He’ll want to walk me home just to get a closer look at my gorgeous boobs. But he didn’t even bring them up!”
“No!” I said.
“Yes! He was interested in me. I figured it was just because I was hot but it’s not. Guys can want hot and smart! We can be both!”
“And you certainly showed him the smart part,” I said, continuing to rub her feet.
Ashley, caught up in the throes of Marc-mania, was completely oblivious to my sarcasm.
“And you know what’s weird? Really weird?”
“That your feet smell like Cheetos?” I said.
Ashley took a toe whiff. “God, they do. They really do! That is weird. But let me tell you something even weirder, and don’t go off on me. I’m glad they’re trying to blow the top off of Tom!”
“You’re what?”
“I feel like a total shit saying this, but in a really selfish way I’m glad they’re trying to blow up the mountain.”
“You’ve got to be kidding me!” I angrily flipped her feet off of my lap.
“Stop!” she said, putting her feet back on me. “Listen to me. I mean, of course I feel horrible that those assholes want to blow up our mountain. I hate them. I really do. I think I hate them more than I’ve ever hated anyone in my life other than that creepy circus clown that was stalking us when we went to the carnival the summer before last.”
I put my hands over my ears. “Ahhh . . .” I yelled. “Don’t talk about the clown! Not the clown! Anything but the clown!”
“Sorry,” Ashley said. “The point is I hate them. I hate them almost as much as the scary circus clown. And that says a lot. But ever since we found what they’re trying to do, it’s like a whole new world has opened up for us. We’re like different people, Cyndie. You and me. People want to hear what we have to say. People want to do what we want to do.”
“Well,” I said. “Some people. Don’t forget about Bert and Michael, the dipshit duo.”
“The good people do. I mean, this is seriously awesome. Let’s face it, at the start of school we weren’t exactly tearing it up around here. We were like, Ashley and Cyndie who? If someone had told us then that in October we’d be leading the charge on a hot political issue and that Number Twos would be asking us out, I’d have said, ‘Get off the crystal meth, dude!’”
“Marc asked you out?”
“He asked me out!”
“Oh my God!” I yelled.
“He did! He seriously did! I mean, look what’s happening to us, Cyndie! We collected over a hundred signatures today. Strangers at the dump told us we were awesome. I slapped down one of the biggest shitheads in school. And to top it off, we’re on the verge of crossing into Boyfriendland. Scoring Number Fives! I’m like, thank you, American! Don’t hate me for it. That’s just how I feel!”
“I’m past the verge,” I said.
“What? Of hating me? No! You can’t be.”
I laughed.
“I will never, ever hate you. But I think I’ve crossed.”
“Criss-crossed? Apple sauced?”
“No! Cross-crossed. Into Boyfriendland!”
“What?”
“He kissed me! Kevin kissed me!”
“Oh my God!” Ashley yelled, jumping up and down. “He kissed you?”
“He did!”
“Oh my God!” Ashley yelled again, leaping up on to my bed and then bouncing into my arms.
“Do you see what I mean?” she said, hugging me tight and twirling me around in circles. “Do you see what I’m saying? Thank you, American Coal Company! Thank you!”