As the sun came up the next morning, Mason picked his way through the cemetery. Christmas Eve promised to be clear. No clouds in sight. The only storm whipping was the one in his heart.
Between Brittany’s declarations and what he and Ryder had learned from Jennifer Hall last night, he hadn’t slept a wink. When Jennifer called, Ryder had put the phone on speaker. What she’d told them was sad but not surprising.
Lisa had confided to her that both of their parents had disapproved of their marriage. Apparently, Ma and Pops had looked down on Lisa because her parents were sheep ranchers. They accused her of stealing their son away from his rightful place on the ranch. And John had felt even less welcomed in her family after being called the son of thieves on account of being a cattle rancher. Lisa and John had hoped things would be less strained as time wore on, but they hadn’t even invited their parents to the wedding, knowing it would cause too much drama.
After the private memorial service, Jennifer tried to contact their grandparents a few times, but no one replied to her letters or calls. She’d gotten choked up on the phone when she realized Mason and Ryder had been separated. Her only guess was the grandparents must have decided it would be better for everyone if they each took a twin and went their separate ways.
The theory made sense, but it didn’t make it any easier to swallow. Mason didn’t even care what their reasoning was at this point. It didn’t change the fact he’d never get those lost years with Ryder back.
Just like he wouldn’t get the lost years with Brittany back.
She hijacked his every thought.
The need to confess to Mia choked him, gripped him. He quickened his pace. Her gravestone was up ahead. Someone was stooped over it. Bill?
Mason stopped. Should he leave his father-in-law in peace? Retrace his steps and come back later? Or acknowledge his presence?
Bill looked up then and rose, straightening. Mason forged forward and was shocked when Bill pulled him into a hug, then wiped under his eyes with a handkerchief.
“I owe you an apology, son.” He kept one hand on Mason’s shoulder. His eyes glistened with tears. “The Lord’s been convicting me.”
He didn’t know what to say. He’d never seen his father-in-law like this.
“I’ve been holding on too tight.” Bill nodded, sniffing. “The last thing I meant to do was push you away, but that’s what I’ve done. Don’t say anything. We both know I’m right.” He glanced at Mia’s headstone. “She was my firstborn. Sweetest thing I’d ever seen. Those pigtails would come flying toward me every time I’d come inside after a hard day of ranching. I’d toss her in the air and her giggles filled my heart. I was glad when you married her. Real glad. I don’t think I ever told you that.”
Stunned, Mason stood there. He’d always struggled to live up to Bill’s expectations.
“I knew you were a hard worker, trustworthy and, best of all, local. You weren’t taking my daughter away to another county or worse, another state. You were keeping her on a ranch right here in Rendezvous. No man could have been so blessed as I was. I know you loved her. And I know she loved you.”
“I did.” His voice scratched. “I do.”
“And then we got a grandson, and I tell you it was the best gift I ever could have been given. I love that boy. But after Mia passed...” He dropped his head. “I didn’t know it, but I was scared. Scared of losing him, too.”
Mason put his hand on Bill’s shoulder. “He’s fine. Healthy as can be.”
“Not like that.” He looked away. “You’ll find someone else. We won’t be part of his life like we’ve been.”
“You will.” He tightened his jaw. “You don’t have to worry about that.”
“I’m not going to worry about it anymore, because it isn’t fair to you.” He sighed. “I can’t stop change, and I’m tired of trying. I’ve got to move on from losing her. I’ve got to heal. And I need to let you heal, too.”
The quickening of his heartbeat confused him. What was Bill getting at?
“Mia’s gone, Mason. You’ll see her in heaven. We all will. But until then, we need to make the most of this life we’ve been given. I talked to Joanna. We’re making some changes—nothing set in stone, mind you—but we can’t live in the shadow of her death any longer.”
He couldn’t catch his breath. What was Bill saying? Why now?
“We had money set aside for Mia to go to college, but she chose not to. Joanna and I want you to have it—to pay her medical bills. I don’t know what kind of total you’re looking at but I hope it covers the balance. If there’s any left over, use it for your ranch.”
“I can’t—”
“You can.” Bill clapped him on the shoulder. His eyes were bright with love. “You’ll always be the son I never had. Take the money, and let Mia go. She’d want you to be happy. And we do, too.” He shifted to leave.
“Bill, wait.” His mind swam with questions, but he’d figure out the answers later. Right now he had to say what was on his mind. “You’ve been like a father to me. I will never take Noah away from you. You’re his family—you’re my family. No matter what happens, we have each other. You’ll always be his grandfather.”
A fat tear dropped onto Bill’s cheek as his face broke into a grin. He lifted his hand in a half wave, half salute. “I love you, Mason.”
“I love you, too.”
“We’ll see you tonight at the Christmas Eve service.” And Bill walked away.
As soon as he was out of sight, Mason collapsed onto his knees in front of Mia’s grave. His mind clattered with conflicting thoughts and emotions. His chest ached. And the echoes of Bill’s words ripped open the truth he’d been avoiding for too long.
“I’m sorry, Mia.” He covered his face with his gloved hands. “I didn’t mean to let you down. I retrace those years and think I could have done something to save you. What did I miss? Why couldn’t we have found out you had cancer before you were pregnant? But, Mia, our son is beautiful. He’s got your cheekbones. He’s full of spirit and energy. You’d be so proud of him.”
Tears streamed from his eyes and he didn’t care.
“We’ve all had a hard time without you. It about killed me the first year. And now it’s so hard—and I don’t even want to tell you this—but I can’t remember what your voice sounds like anymore. I strain to hear your laugh... I can’t. And it scares me.”
He tried to breathe. “The worst thing—and I know it’s unforgivable, I know it is—I’ve fallen in love with Brittany Green all over again. No, I didn’t talk to you about her. I’m well aware I made her off-limits as a topic of conversation when you and I were together. I guess that alone should have warned me. I never really got over her.”
His heart was being wrung out and guilt overwhelmed him. God, help me tell her the rest.
“I can’t keep my promise. I’m in love with Brittany, Mia. I’m not the man I thought I was.”
His shoulders shook as he sobbed. Snow seeped through the knees of his jeans, and the frigid air sent tremors through his body.
“Forgive me.” He stood and raised his head to the sky. “God, forgive me.”
He hadn’t felt this drained in a long time.
“Forgive me,” he whispered, dropping his chin. “Merry Christmas, Mia.” He closed his eyes and tried to picture her. Her smiling face was vivid. “You’re a hard person to let go.”
As he strode back to his truck, the oppressiveness of the past years lifted, and he knew he was going to be all right.
Brittany held a mug between her hands as she watched the sunrise outside the living room window. Sitting cross-legged on a chair, wrapped in a blanket with an unopened Bible in her lap, she let her thoughts scatter. Didn’t even try to hold on to them as they darted here and there.
A terrible sense of loss permeated her, but at the same time, hope and clarity kept her from falling apart.
It didn’t seem possible today was Christmas Eve. Her life, her entire reason for being, had shifted since arriving here. There wasn’t a doubt in her mind that moving was the right decision. Too bad she had doubts about everything else.
She turned her attention to the Bible. Her Bible. A gift to herself five years ago when she’d joined a large church in Santa Ana. Before then, she’d been distant with God, figuring life out for herself. The first time her loan application had been rejected, she’d fallen to her knees and prayed. The prayers led to buying the Bible, and the Bible led to going to church. All had given her the strength to keep saving, to keep her dream alive.
Did I get it all wrong, Lord? Why did I put my life on hold all those years if I was going to end up here, anyhow?
She thought of Charles and the handful of guys she’d barely dated. Had she really put her career first? Or had it been an excuse to avoid having a relationship?
I didn’t give them a chance. I used the excuses of saving for the studio and my side jobs to hold them at bay.
Why? Why had she done that?
The answer was there, somewhere. She opened the Bible. Might as well read the Christmas story instead of wallowing in whys. As she turned the pages, her gaze fell on the passage the pastor had discussed on Sunday. For He that is mighty hath done to me great things; and holy is His name.
Closing her eyes, she went back—all the way back—to the night she and Mason had broken up so spectacularly. For years she’d berated herself for causing him pain. She’d held back from love. Convinced herself dance was the only avenue for happiness.
And God had worked it all out, anyway. She didn’t begrudge Mason marrying Mia. If not, he wouldn’t have Noah. And she didn’t regret her own path, either.
If she hadn’t struggled these past ten years, she wouldn’t have gotten back into praying, or reading the Bible or relying on God. She also wouldn’t have worked as hard as she had—soon she’d be the proud owner of a dance studio.
God had done mighty things for her.
Maybe she was ready for it now—ready for Rendezvous in a way she hadn’t been ten years ago. One thing she knew for sure? She would never find her identity in leading an elite dance team or even owning a studio. And she wouldn’t find it in Mason, either.
Lord, strip it all away, and I’m still Yours. I don’t need a studio or a dance team or even a husband. All I really need is You.
The beauty of His grace brought tears of gratitude, of regret, of love. She was going to be okay.
As Mason drove away from the cemetery, he prayed out loud.
“God, sometimes I feel like You don’t let me have the things I want most.” As soon as the words were out of his mouth, he let out a deep breath. Here we go.
“It seems like I’m always waiting for the next catastrophe. I know I need to have faith, but I can’t stop this fear inside me.”
No one else was on the road. He noted the cattle in the distance as he tried to get his thoughts together.
“I’m afraid, God. I’m afraid of letting Brittany in and losing her, too. I’m afraid of falling so hard I won’t be able to pick myself up if You take her to be with You the way You did with Mia.”
He’d survived ten years without Brittany. He’d married, had a child and buried his wife.
“And I’m more confused than ever because what Bill said back there—it shocked me. Is he right? Would Mia want me to be happy—with another woman? I can’t imagine it.”
What if he had been the one who died? Would he want Mia to be happy if it meant marrying another man?
Was someone pelting his chest with a mallet?
He pictured her the way he’d been for the past three years—lonely and burdened with bills and guilty with grief—and he exhaled, long and loud.
He’d want her to be happy. Even if it meant marrying someone else.
As the truck rolled along, he let his mind go.
What should I do? Will You help me?
Brittany reminded him what it felt like to be alive, to be accepted, to be valued.
Could he survive ten more years without her? Did he want to?
He would shrivel into a bitter, ugly man.
Brittany brought out the best in him. He couldn’t take another ten years without her.
He needed her. And he was finally ready to accept it.