“What the fucking fuck are you doing?” Aaron whispered as he and Olivia stood before the fridge. He obviously was worried their parents and friends would overhear them from the other room, but she realized she honestly couldn’t care less.
She laughed, glad her anger and hurt were suddenly giving way to apathy and sarcasm.
“I don’t think I’ve ever heard you cuss quite like that, bro. You sound almost as bad as I do now.”
He grabbed her shoulders. “What’s come over you? Are you drunk?”
“No.”
“High?”
She sighed. “No.”
“Don’t tell me you’ve just suddenly lost your mind.”
“Apparently, that’s exactly what’s happened.”
“Oh, no.” He rubbed his forehead. “Not today, Olivia. Not at Molly’s party. Can’t you wait to have a high noon showdown with Mom another time? I promise there will be ample opportunity.”
“I’m just so sick to death of her snotty self-righteousness. She was about to criticize my body in there, Aaron. After all the hard work I’ve put in, she was about to cut me down and tell me I’m too big and too muscular and too masculine. Just like she’s always done. Do you know what constantly hearing that has done to me over the years? Do you know how much shame I’ve felt about my own body? How uncomfortable I’ve been in my own skin? All because I don’t fit her definition of perfection? Well, fuck that, Aaron. Fuck it. And fuck her.”
“Shh!” His eyes grew so big she thought they might literally pop out of his skull.
She swatted his hands away from her shoulders and pulled open the fridge. “And it’s not even just about that. It’s about everything. I can’t ever seem to do anything right. But don’t worry, I’m not going to say anything. Not today.” Maybe not ever. Who knew? She obviously wasn’t ready to even calmly confront her on her judgments about her body, much less anything else.
Would she ever be able to totally and completely put her foot down?
She cracked open a can of Diet Coke and slurped, hoping for its black tar heroin to vein effect, despite not having had one in forever, following Eve’s advice. But she scowled when she found the flavor to be offensive and the carbonation way too overpowering, like it was eating away at her throat. She dumped it in the sink and searched for a glass instead. She filled it with ice and water and opened the fridge again.
“Then will you please take it down a notch?” Aaron said. “This tough girl attitude even has my butt puckering. I’m worried the ass that’s going to get kicked in this whole thing will somehow end up being mine.”
She cracked up.
“I’m serious, Olivia. I’ve even had the benefit of being around to witness this evolution of yours and I’m still scared to death of the way you looked at Mom in there. In fact, right now, I’m ready to run for the hills and leave everyone else to fend for themselves.”
“Even Molly?” She closed the produce drawers and shoved containers of milk and orange juice and soda aside, growing frustrated.
“Molly? Oh, you mean my daughter? Oh, wait, you mean your little clone? She’s been just like you are now even before you were! That girl can definitely hold her own. I don’t have to worry about her at all in this case.”
“I am kind of proud, now that you mention it. Actually, more than proud.”
“You should be. She doesn’t just love you. She idolizes you now. She refers to your changing as the Evolution of Olivia.”
Olivia warmed. “Does she really?”
“Yes.” He bumped his way in. “Now, what the hell are you looking for?”
“Lemon.”
“Lemon?”
“For my water.”
“You have to have lemon for your water now?”
“It would be nice.”
He cussed again and dug in the back of the top shelf and handed her a green plastic bottle with a yellow lid. “As good as it gets.”
“Lemon juice? How old is this?”
He shrugged and closed the door. “Beats me.”
She struggled with the lid but finally got it open. After she added some to her water, she walked to the back door and slipped outside, wanting to check in on Molly and her friends. The three girls fell silent when they saw her, but Molly perked up.
“It’s okay. It’s just Auntie Liv. She’s cool.”
Olivia smiled and shook their hands. “Hi. Cool, here. Nice to meet you.”
They laughed.
“This is Carla and Sam. They’re in my dance class.”
“Oh, of course. I thought I recognized you. When’s your next recital?” She loved watching Molly dance and often wished that she, too, was just as coordinated. Molly had even tried to show her a few moves over the years, but it had always been disastrous, ending with her and Molly on the floor laughing hysterically.
“This fall,” Molly said. “Only, Auntie Liv, we’re taking hip-hop this time, so it’s going to be awesome.”
“No kidding? Think I might be able to pull off a couple of those moves?”
“Um, no.” Molly laughed. “I think it’s safer for everyone if you just hang up your towel with the dancing, Auntie Liv.”
“Is she that bad?” one of the girls asked.
“Scary bad,” Molly said.
“I’d argue, but it’s true,” Olivia said. “Aren’t you guys hot out here?”
They shrugged.
“Come on. Come inside. You can hang in the front room. I promise I’ll keep an eye out for the troglodytes.”
Molly laughed. “The what?”
“Cave dwellers. Never mind. Come on, come in where it’s cool. It’s your damn party. You shouldn’t have to hide out here in the heat like you’ve done something wrong.”
The girls followed her inside and Molly smiled at her with obvious appreciation. Olivia winked at her and the adults were now the ones who fell silent as they entered.
“These young ladies are going to hang out in the front room where there will be gossip, girl talk, and excessive cellular phone use. That means no sticks in the mud allowed. Especially you, Mr. Dudley.”
He looked offended and then embarrassed.
The girls hurried to the front room while she sipped her water in the kitchen. Aaron stood next to her, still rubbing his forehead, something they’d both always done when they were nervous, even as kids.
“You know, if you keep doing that, you’re eventually going to hit your gray matter. And doing so will no doubt send you into shock and awe, seeing as how you’ve always been so convinced that you have no brain to begin with. Another one of Mom’s finest achievements.”
She had been too big and muscular, and Aaron had been too hyper and intellectually underachieving.
“Right now, I really wish I didn’t have one,” he said. “Because the one I do have is bombarded with worry and a growing sense of impending doom.”
“You’ve got to stop doing that, Aaron. You aren’t responsible for keeping the peace. It’s not your job and it never should’ve been.”
“If I didn’t, and if I don’t, well, then we just may not have a family, Olivia.”
“Then we may not, Aaron. And if that were the case, it would in no way be your fault.”
“You don’t understand.”
“I do, actually. More than you know. But I also know that this is something you’re going to have to face and deal with on your own. Letting go of what’s been engraved into us all our lives is far from easy. It’s scary. I know you know that because you have let go of some things. And you’ve been all the better for it. But there’s more to be done. For the both of us. I just hope we can someday find the courage to do it.”
She sipped more of her water and was about to turn to join the girls in the front room when Aaron spoke.
“Wait.” He leaned back against the counter. “When are you going to tell me what’s really going on with you? I know something is. And it’s more than just your seeing someone, or the working out and personal trainer thing.”
She thought of Eve and that familiar rush of desire and giddiness ran through her. But soon came the anxiousness of her confessed love, along with the regret and disappointment from her continued inability to confront her parents. Why did everything always have to be so complicated? Why couldn’t she and Eve just relish and enjoy each other on a private plane of existence somewhere? Without all the added bullshit of ever-changing emotion and other people and life in general?
“When I’m ready to share it and you’re ready to hear it,” she finally said.
“What makes you think I’m not ready to hear it now?”
“Because you’re still worried about Mom and Dad getting upset about things. You’re still trying desperately to keep the peace. So, I can’t tell you yet, Aaron. Because if I do and you’re still feeling like you are right now, all strung out and stressed, it would only cause you more chaos and more stress. You wouldn’t know what to do because this will be something you won’t be able to fix. You’ll be torn. Torn between your love for me and your innate sense of responsibility to them. And I’m not doing that to you. I love you too much.”
She paused for a quick breath.
“And all of that is second to that fact I’m still not ready myself. So, for now, for today, let’s buck up and prepare ourselves for the arrival of more tweens. Molly’s a riot so we both know more will be coming.”
“This is true. I think she invited like fifteen.”
“See? Now that’s something we really should pray about. We’re gonna need a lot of strength and patience, and obviously that’s not just in dealing with the girls. We’ve got the party poopers to contend with as well. So, let’s say a silent prayer and steel ourselves. We’ve got to run this shindig.”
Aaron stepped up to her for a long embrace. “I love you, crazy sister of mine.” He kissed her cheek.
“I love you, too.” She held his face and grinned. “Bro.”