“I’m not sure I can do it,” Olivia said as she continued to pump her legs vigorously on the stair stepper. “I know I should, just because of my belief in animal rights alone, but I haven’t totally looked into the science behind it. Not yet anyway.”
Eve checked the numbers on Olivia’s machine. She had been performing at a pretty high level of resistance for fifteen minutes straight, and she was still able to speak, an improvement from last week alone. They’d been hitting the cardio hard the last three weeks, gradually increasing with every workout.
“Ah-ha,” Eve said, stepping back to reach into her gym bag. She held up a large book. “Behold, the science.”
“The China Study?”
“Yep. You read this, you’ll never look back. Totally changed my life.”
“Okay, I’ll give it a shot.”
Eve put the book in Olivia’s bag and zipped it closed. Then she squirted two sips of water into Olivia’s mouth. They’d been discussing diet a lot lately and Olivia had been very curious about her veganism. She was so full of questions and seemed to have this drive to learn about everything. Eve found it so sexy.
“But, tofu, ugh,” Olivia said. “I don’t even like thinking about it.”
“Aw, you get used to it, and honestly, it’s not so bad. Besides, I have a million recipes,” Eve said. “Judging by the laws of physics alone, you’re bound to like some of them.”
“Are you offering to cook for me?”
Eve almost said sure but stopped short. She actually would really love to cook for her, but the thought struck that part of her that was still anxious about the whole love thing. That part of her that kept people at bay and allowed Olivia to only get so close. She was still a little surprised at just how far Olivia had gotten. It was like she was inching closer and closer with each stimulating word, sigh of pleasure, moving glance, and heartfelt laugh. Eve had been so caught up in her, in every single thing about her, that she’d missed the quiet advance toward her innermost self. But now Olivia had reached that protective part of her and she was knocking on the door and ringing the bell, forcing Eve to decide if she was going to let her in or not.
“I wouldn’t go that far,” Eve said, trying to sound a little playful while still rejecting the idea.
“That’s too bad. I almost got excited picturing you in my kitchen, making us dinner every night.”
Eve blinked. That was exactly what she’d pictured herself. Cooking for her, every night. She imagined standing at the stove with Olivia coming up and embracing her from behind. Telling her how good the food smelled while she lightly kissed her neck. Asking her what she was making while teasing her ear. That kind of familiarity and sweet affection wouldn’t seem as intimate as their wild sex to most people, but to Eve it far surpassed it.
She forced herself to swallow and to again sound light-hearted.
“Your kitchen? No way. It’s too small. I need room for my masterpieces.”
“Well, I’ve only ever been to your place twice and it wasn’t because I was invited. So, my kitchen was what naturally came to mind.”
Oh, no.
Eve’s heart began to race.
“And I don’t know,” Olivia continued, looking wistful. “For a moment, I kind of liked thinking of you there, in my home, in my kitchen.”
Eve struggled to calm her rising panic. She thought for sure that Olivia could see it all over her face. But she didn’t seem to. Instead, her soft smile faded, and she looked away as if she’d shared too much. Like maybe she had a similar part of protection in herself, causing her to pull back.
Eve had seen her react that way before. Quite a bit lately.
Eve’s heart ached, pretty sure she knew what it meant.
Olivia was struggling with her feelings too.
She recalled the last couple of weeks and realized that though they had worked out and spent time together, and the sex had still been great, things had changed between them. While they obviously both absolutely loved giving each other pleasure, the long, deep stares they used to share in doing so had been avoided, along with the soul exposing revelations that often went hand in hand with their cries of pleasure and pleas for more. Now the sex was more needy, aggressive.
They were at the point where they were both confident and they knew each other well, so they gave and took with no hesitation or inhibition. So much so, that Eve had began joking to Karen that she and Olivia were almost killing each other. And last night had been no exception.
Eve rubbed the crook of her neck and checked her reflection in the mirror behind Olivia. She’d awakened that morning to find a sizable mouth mark there along with another one on her shoulder. They went nicely with the fingernail scratches that still remained on her back from three days before. Thankfully, the T-shirt she’d had to wear was covering all of it.
“Okay, you can stop now,” Eve said, stepping up to turn off Olivia’s machine. But Olivia pushed her hand away.
“I can go a little longer.”
Eve raised her brow. “You sure?”
“Yes. I want to.” She continued, lowering the level only a little.
Eve smiled. Olivia was now a full-fledged fitness junkie. She was addicted to those endorphins.
Olivia caught her. “You’re pretty proud of yourself right now, aren’t you?”
Eve gave a half shrug. “Maybe a little. But mostly I’m proud of you.”
“Really? Should I ask you to show me how proud you are?”
Eve grew closer and rested her forearms on the top of the machine.
Oh, God, I’m doomed.
She’s just so irresistible.
Despite her awareness of what was happening between them and the uncertainty they both felt, she still couldn’t help herself. She wanted her.
“I’d love to show you how proud I am. In any way you want. Just as soon as you finish your workout.”
“Any way I want? Does that include anywhere as well?”
Eve smiled, though confused.
“Okay, then. I want dinner. Made by you. In your kitchen. And then, after we eat at your table, I want—” She glanced around to see if anyone was close enough to overhear. Then she continued in a whisper. “I want to come. So very hard. Just for you. And then, I want you to do the same. So very hard. Just for me. I want to do it all in your bed. Wrapped in your sheets. In your room.”
Eve blinked in quiet disbelief again and felt the blood rush from her face. She glanced down and realized she’d somehow backed away without knowing it.
Olivia climbed from the machine. “What’s wrong?”
“My place?” Eve gripped the back of her neck. Olivia had been to her place, yes, but she’d been right, it wasn’t due to an invitation. She’d come by to drop off some of Eve’s freshly laundered clothes that had been accumulating at her place and then later to pick up a kettle ball Eve had told her she could borrow. Eve had never outright kept her from her place, but she’d never exactly invited her either. She’d never really given much thought in doing so. Probably because she never had before. Keeping things casual and away from the privacy of her home had simply become her routine.
But now, with Olivia asking, wanting to be there, inside her world, her safe place…she was feeling overwhelmed, and she grappled to find the right words. She knew what it would do to her to have Olivia in her home. Just imagining it was causing her heart to swell. It would send her emotions over the threshold and her wall would break and Olivia would be able to get all the way in. But how could she tell her that? How could she tell her that the thought of her being in her home made her feel both elated and terrified?
This time Olivia seemed to be able to read the fear and discomfort on her face, because she, too, paled and appeared crestfallen.
“I shouldn’t have asked.” She hurried to gather her things.
“Where are you going?”
No. No. Oh, fuck, make her stop.
“I just remembered I’ve got other things to do tonight.”
But she was upset. It was more than evident in her short, clipped movements and lowered tone.
“Olivia,” Eve tried.
Say something. Anything.
“Don’t go. We aren’t even finished with your workout—”
“I can do it on my own. In fact, maybe that’s what I should do from now on.”
Eve held her arm, desperate. “Olivia, no. Don’t say things like that. You don’t mean it and it only causes us both pain.”
She pulled away and shoved her things into her bag and then did the same with her towel.
“Actually, I do mean it. I mean, who are we kidding, here? What the hell are we doing?”
When Eve could come up with nothing to say, Olivia zipped up her bag and slung it over her shoulder. She turned to go, giving Eve a serious, scorching look, full of pain and anguish. Eve felt the slap of it and she touched her own face, convinced her skin was stinging.
Olivia, if she noticed, didn’t seem to care.
“Let’s face it. You’re scared, I’m scared. We’re both just totally chicken shit. The fucking…it’s fine. Well, it’s better than fine, it’s beyond fucking fantastic in fact, but it’s not going to protect us and it’s not going to save us. Life and emotions and all the bullshit that comes with that, will eventually creep all the way in. And it’s more than obvious that neither one of us is ready and or willing to deal with that.”
She walked away and Eve ran after her, angry at herself for not having any words to stop her. People stared after them as they crossed the gym. Bobby glanced up from the front desk and asked what was going on, but neither of them answered. Olivia pushed out into the hot evening with Eve right behind her.
“Olivia, will you stop,” Eve finally said, gripping her arm once again. But Olivia kept yanking it away, hell-bent on getting to her car. When she did, she fussed with her keychain like she was trying to find the right button to unlock it. The setting sun was obviously hindering her as she squinted and cussed. But the light wasn’t the only thing burning in her eyes, there was hellfire there, Eve could see it.
She finally hit the right button and opened her door to toss in her bag.
She faced Eve, seeming as though she had more to say.
“Every time I try to convince myself that I’m ready to handle my feelings for you and I push on this invisible, unspoken line between us, you pull away or get quiet and distant. Or like tonight, which was totally new, you nearly shit your pants with panic. That hurts me, Eve. Not just because it solidifies the fact that you don’t feel as strongly as I do, but because I don’t ever want you to feel scared or panicked and I don’t ever want to be the cause. It just kills me to think that I am.”
Eve felt her throat tighten and tears threaten, and she gulped, needing to get rid of both, their presence totally unexpected. Olivia was watching her, waiting. Eve wanted more than anything to argue, but again no words came. And suddenly she understood why. She couldn’t argue with Olivia because she was right. She did pull away. She did get distant. She was scared. And tonight, she had panicked. She wished none of it were true, but sadly it was.
All of it.
“I don’t know what to do with you,” Eve said, saying the one and only thing that came to mind. It was the truth. The undeniable truth. She couldn’t come up with anything that would keep Olivia in her life for just a little while longer, while she desperately wished for answers that never seemed to come.
She rubbed her brow as a heavy sadness settled over her.
“Oh, my God, I just really don’t know.” The tears threatened again, and she covered her mouth, as if she could hold them in. Somehow, though, she managed to say one final thing. The only truth that remained.
“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry, Olivia.”
Olivia stared at her as if she were searching, trying to find any tiny piece of evidence she could to prove Eve was lying. When she seemed to find nothing, her already pained face went void of any emotion at all. She frantically wiped away some falling tears.
“Okay, then.” She opened her car door and gazed beyond the parking lot. “Just so you know.” She took a deep breath. “When I tell someone that I love them, I really mean it. It’s not something I can just turn on and off.” She wiped at more tears, like she was agitated, but wouldn’t look back at Eve. “I meant it when I said it to you. And I mean it now. I love you, Eve Monroe.”
She climbed into her car and Eve turned away, unable to look at her anymore, for her words alone had just fully infiltrated and they carried nothing but pure, raw, unfiltered love, pain, and regret. They surged through her as if they’d been injected with a long, piercing needle straight into her vein, hitting her so hard she bent and clutched her abdomen and knew without a doubt, that these were the very feelings that she’d never wanted to experience and the reason why she kept people out.
She staggered, seeking the safe haven of her own vehicle. When she found it, she crawled inside, saw Olivia drive away, and then pounded on her steering wheel while screaming into the oncoming evening. She did so until her fists were throbbing and her voice caved.
Because the woman who had moved her like no other had just told her she loved her and then walked out of her life.
And she’d let her go.