“Eve, honey, stop,” Karen said from behind, sounding extremely fatigued.
Eve finally slowed as they reached the top of the mountain at Thunderbird Park. They were on another early dawn run and she’d already ran the trail twice before Karen had insisted on joining her for this one.
She shook out the tightness in her legs and took in big lungfuls of air. She absolutely loved that pleasant wide-open feeling in her chest that she often got when she did hard cardio. It made her feel so fucking alive, which was a feeling she hadn’t been experiencing a lot lately despite her intense workouts. She’d shut off so completely she was now numb to everything, even the little things.
“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, you’re going to kill me,” Karen said as she stumbled with her hand on her hip. She crossed to the large rock and sat.
Eve turned her head, trying not to picture Olivia and the way she’d looked sitting in the same spot.
“You shouldn’t sit right now,” Eve said. “You know better.”
“Yeah, well, fuck the rules. I’m dying.”
“I told you, you didn’t have to keep up,” Eve said.
“What am I supposed to do, Eve? Just sit back and watch as my best friend kills herself on a fucking mountain?”
Eve gave her a look.
“I’m not killing myself. I’m just going hard.” She walked around with her hands on her hips.
“I know exactly what you’re doing. You’re trying to cope with your pain through exercise.”
“So?”
“So, you’re doing too much, going too hard.”
Eve laughed. She was so damned dramatic. So what if she wanted to lengthen or intensify her workouts? And who cares why she was doing it? It’s not like she was doing drugs.
“And don’t tell me there’s no such thing as too much exercise. You’re full of shit.”
“I’m fine.”
“You’re obsessed. And fucking whacked out crazy. For Christ’s sake look at yourself.”
Eve looked down at her bright yellow sports bra and black runners shorts. “What?”
“You have an eight-pack, Eve.”
Eve ran her fingers over her etched muscles. “So?”
“You’ve never had an eight-pack, no matter how hard you’ve worked before.”
“So, why can’t you just be happy for me then?”
Karen stood and threw her water bottle at her. It stung her arm and fell to the ground.
“Ow! What the hell?”
Karen stalked up to her with daggers in her eyes. “You want me to be happy for you? For what? For a stupid eight-pack? Did I mention that I can also see your ribs? Yeah, very sexy, Eve. I’m so impressed. You are at the very peak of performance. Congratulations.”
“Karen, come on, calm down.”
“You’re starving yourself while pushing your body beyond the brink. I’m surprised you haven’t passed out yet. But give it time. Give it time.”
“I’m not starving. I just…I’m not as hungry anymore.” Her appetite had decreased quite a bit since the last time she’d seen Olivia, but she was still eating enough, wasn’t she? She thought back over the last few days, trying to remember what she’d had. She’d eaten her meals and snacks and finished most of them completely. But had she increased her food intake for her added exercise? Had she compensated? It was like she had no self-awareness anymore.
“I don’t want to hear anymore bullshit. I’m so sick of it. I’m so sick of it I’m about ready to tell you to fuck off once and for all.”
To Eve’s horror, emotion began to tighten her throat, just as it had the last time she’d seen Olivia. She was so shocked at feeling anything at all, she almost fell backward as Karen poked her in the chest with her finger. Her eyes, just like her words, seemed to be full of venom.
“I mean it, Eve. You won’t listen to anything I have to say. You just placate me or flat-out ignore me. You’re so hurt and so depressed, and so damned determined to punish yourself, I’m afraid you’ll soon be too far gone for me to reach.”
She pushed harder with her finger.
“I can’t watch you do this. I can’t watch you disappear into yourself. I refuse to watch my best friend kill herself, no matter how she’s going about it or how slowly she may be doing it. I can’t, Eve. So, you need to do one of two things, here. You either need to pay real close attention and really listen to what I have to say, or you need to tell me good-bye.”
She lowered her finger and looked away as tears filled her eyes. Eve tried to hold herself together.
She grabbed her head, totally overwhelmed, realizing what was going on.
Someone else was banging on that fucking protective door of hers, forcing her to feel, to hurt, to panic.
Only this time it was Karen. Her best friend. And she was so serious it was scary.
“Not you, Karen. Not you, too,” Eve said, dropping her hands.
Karen had turned to face the rising sun. Her arms were crossed and she kicked absently at the ground. “Does that mean you’re willing to talk? And more importantly, listen?”
Talking with Karen was the absolute last thing she wanted to do. No, all she wanted was to push her body, to feel that sweet burn, to feel those beautiful endorphins while all the rest just faded away. Why couldn’t Karen let her do that?
“Well?” Karen was waiting for an answer.
Eve closed her eyes, truly terrified. She couldn’t lose Karen, too. She’d truly be lost at sea without the ever-glowing lighthouse of her friendship. And even though Eve didn’t want to feel those painful emotions or face anything that might bring them up, she honestly didn’t want to die or disappear. Without Karen, she knew she might very well become so consumed with sadness, she might just fall into the looming darkness and be lost forever.
“Okay,” she finally said.
Karen turned and dropped her arms to her side, but she didn’t look any different.
“All right, we’ll talk on the way down. But I swear to God, Eve if you take off and run from me because you don’t like what you hear, then that’s it. I will not try to talk to you again.”
“You want to do it now? Like now, now?”
Oh, God.
I need time. Time to prepare. To ease myself into this.
“Yes, Eve. It’s now or never.”
Eve hesitated.
“Fuck this, I’m gone,” Karen said and started to walk away.
“Wait,” Eve said, pushing all thought from her mind. She was going to force herself to listen before she could put any more thought into it. It was the only way.
“Go ahead,” Eve said. “I’m here.”
Karen was quiet for a moment. She spoke, her voice softer. “I’m only going to do this once. So, please, just listen without saying anything. Without any interruptions and then you can say whatever it is you want. Deal?”
“Deal.”
They reached the trail and slowly began the descent back down.
“The first thing I want to tell you is how I much love you. You’re not only my best friend, you’re like a daughter to me. I’d go to the ends of the earth for you. And I don’t feel that way about many people. But you’re different. You’re a really, really great friend and you’re so kind to people and patient and you’re always willing to help someone, whomever they may be. You give a lot of love, Eve. Everyone in your life feels it. Sometimes I look at you as you interact with someone and I think, my God, she’s pure love.”
Eve held her chest, moved.
“But, my darling, you are a hard person to love in return.”
Eve stopped, stricken.
Karen tugged on her. “Let me continue.”
They started to walk again.
“What I mean is, you refuse to accept any love given to you. You do. You’re kind and caring and gracious, but when someone tries to love you, you shut down. Think about how long it took you to even allow me to pay for your meal? I’m still only allowed to do so much for you and I’m the person closest to you.”
She stared down at the trail.
“Which leads me to your love life. I’ve watched you do your thing for years now and, Eve, I’ve never been fond of the way you go about things. I don’t like your refusal to let anyone get close. I know that you know that because I’ve told you. It’s caused more than one argument between us, and for the most part I haven’t said anything about you settling down anymore because you’ve insisted that the way you do things is your choice. But now, with what’s going on, I can no longer keep my mouth shut, my dear friend. I’m going to give you my two cents on everything.”
She glanced over at her.
“Because this insane little way of life of yours is destroying you.”
Eve’s breath hitched as she listened. Karen wrapped her arm in hers.
“I admit that I didn’t initially like this whole Olivia thing. I thought she sounded like trouble because she was so different from you and because I was sure she would continue to toy with your emotions and eventually hurt you. I didn’t think she would do it intentionally. I thought she’d do it because she was so confused and repressed. So, I didn’t encourage your seeing her.”
She sighed.
“But as I’ve watched this relationship with her develop, I’ve seen something in you I’ve never seen before. And from what you’ve been telling me about her, she sounds like someone I would be very fond of. And she hasn’t behaved like I expected. She didn’t use you as an experiment. She fell for you. She loves you. And, Eve, let me tell you, I’m over the moon about that. To know that someone sees you the way I do, someone you actually like in return, it just makes me so happy.”
She gave her a gentle squeeze.
“Now, I don’t know everything about this relationship, so, I can only tell you what I see and what assumptions I’ve made based on knowing you like I do. And even though you haven’t told me what led to things ending with Olivia, which, I might add, is unlike you, I think I have a pretty good idea.”
She lowered her hand to grip Eve’s.
“I think she got too close. I’m not sure how she did it, considering your adamant determination to keep your affairs casual, but she did. She snuck in under the wire. My guess is that you were, like I tried to tell you, completely smitten with her. And that was so unexpected and felt so incredibly good, you ignored your long-held boundaries. You didn’t pay attention and in she came, sliding right under that wire, climbing right over that wall. And when she got through and pushed a little more, tried to get a little closer, well, your internal alarms finally went off and you realized, ‘Oh shit, how did she get in here?’ So, you did just what I’d expect you to do. You kicked her out and you closed down. And if this had been any other woman under any other circumstance, that would be the end of the story.”
They slowed as they trekked over a rocky patch in the trail.
“But this isn’t like any other circumstance, is it? No. Which is why you’ve totally lost your shit. You’re sad and depressed and hurt and confused. But more than that, Eve, you’re scared. And you’re so upset with yourself for allowing yourself to get to this point, you’re not only punishing your body to help yourself cope, you’re punishing yourself for letting her slip in. And you’re punishing yourself for pushing her away. Because you know you’ve hurt her. And that, my friend, that is eating you alive. That is literally killing you.”
Karen stopped and placed her hands on her shoulders.
“Because this is not just any other woman. This one is special.” She reached up and held her face and Eve trembled, the surfacing emotion in her becoming more and more difficult to contain.
“You’re in love with her.”
Eve grabbed her wrists and tried to pull them from her face, but Karen held tight.
“You love her, Eve.”
Eve again tried to pull away.
“I’m not letting you go until you face that. So you can struggle all you want.” When Eve finally stopped, Karen pulled her closer.
“That’s why her hurting is damned near killing you. That’s why your own pain is fiercer than it’s ever been. You love this woman. You love her like you’ve never ever loved anyone else.”
She pulled Eve down so their foreheads were touching.
“And that’s okay, sweetie. It’s okay. It’s okay to love her.”
Eve fought the oncoming emotion with all her might, tightening every muscle and fisting her hands, but she could no longer do it. Karen was reaching inside and jump-starting her heart, and the damn broke and Eve broke down and sobbed. Karen enveloped her, and Eve fell into her as if she needed her strength to remain standing at all.
“I know, hon. I know. You cry all you want. I’m right here.”
They stood there for what felt like an eternity as the sun rose and shined just as bright and hot as ever, as if the day wasn’t any different from any other.
But to Eve it was.
To Eve, this day was very different.
Today was the day the breath of life reentered her body and soul.
And she knew nothing would ever be the same again.