Olivia was breathing hard, and her face was coated in sweat. She had that excited thrumming coursing through her, and considering her recent lifestyle change, being in such a state was expected and not at all unusual. But this time, her condition wasn’t the result of a workout.
“You ready?” Aaron asked.
She tried to control her heart rate, but it was damn near skipping over itself. Aaron’s voice was muffled, and she could hear her own breathing inside the racing helmet. She wanted to wipe her brow but couldn’t with the thick gloves on her hands and the goggles on her face.
The motorcycle vibrated beneath her, and she was squeezing the brake so hard her hand tingled. She looked at Aaron who had his hand on her shoulder. He had on Wayfarer sunglasses and a Monster baseball cap. His motocross racing jersey whipped against him in the breeze.
“Olivia?”
“I’m nervous.” She winced as she said it, wanting to be composed. However, she was refusing to let it stop her.
He smiled and squeezed her shoulder. “I would be worried if you weren’t.”
She glanced ahead at the surrounding desert full of green brush, cacti, and sparse trees. A well-worn trail awaited her, this one a basic large oval without any hills or jumps. Aaron had tried to reassure her that she’d be fine, but she was still anxious, feeling the harnessed power shaking between her legs.
“You don’t have to do this,” Aaron said, and not for the first time.
“No, I want to.” She had to do this. She wanted to feel that rush of adrenaline just like Eve did when she pushed the envelope. Taking risks that Olivia wouldn’t have dared dream. Eve had told her all about her daredevil stunts one night after sex, filling her in on skydiving and bungee jumping and riding dirt bikes as a kid. All of it had Olivia so aroused and excited, she’d began touching her as she talked about it. Soon they’d both gotten so turned on, the tales were lost in the darkness as they’d made love once again.
Now Olivia was on a dirt bike herself, hoping it would make her feel close to Eve in some way and foolish and desperate enough to try. She’d thought about calling her or seeing her, but that would be pointless given the way they’d left things. They’d just end up in bed, and while that was certainly not anything to complain about, it wasn’t getting them anywhere. She had tried for more and Eve turned her down. But now, after having thought things over, she wondered what would’ve happened had Eve been willing to get more serious. She knew now that she wouldn’t have been totally comfortable and that her own fears, which sadly she still had, would have once again stood in her way.
Pushing Eve even though she wasn’t ready herself and expecting her to ignore her own trepidations and just jump right in with her, had been wrong. But coming to that realization did little to help the situation between them. She knew she owed her an apology, and she hoped some day to be able to give it to her in person. She also hoped to offer her more than an apology should that day ever come. She hoped she would be able to really, truly, seriously be able to offer her whole heart, having worked through all her issues and fears.
If Eve rejected her then, then she would let her go. But for now, even though they had no contact, she kept her close inside, held onto her tight, and prayed for the strength and insight it would take to change.
She squeezed harder on the brake. What would Eve think of her doing this?
She’d fucking love it.
Olivia gave Aaron a nod.
“Watch that throttle, now,” he said. “I don’t want you flying off the back of the bike or going headlong into a saguaro.”
She nodded again, having listened thoroughly to his warning about a “whisky throttle” earlier. Slowly, she released the brake and gave some throttle, kicking the bike forward. The sudden jolt shocked her, and she immediately understood what he’d been trying to say. She braked and tried again, this time more prepared. The bike lurched, but she eased off the gas quickly and managed to balance for a few yards before the bike wavered. She stopped, feet on the ground, grateful for Molly’s boots and that she already had such big feet. Aaron was right there next to her in no time.
“You’re doing great. Just keep at it and you’ll get the hang of it.”
She gave him a thumbs-up and went again, doing nearly the same thing, only riding a little farther. She tried over and over, making good way along the trail. Soon, she was so focused, the world around her faded and she could only think of one thing. Impressing Eve.
She pretended she was there watching her.
If I go harder and faster, will it turn her on, just like hearing about her escapades did me?
She tensed her muscles and increased her speed as she realized and accepted what was plainly obvious. She still wanted Eve to want her.
It was crazy. But then again, this whole stunt was a bit crazy. But the dream of being close to Eve and Eve wanting her was all she had now, and ridiculous or not, it was helping her get through, one day at a time. And there was nothing wrong with that, no matter what Jake said or how often he said it.
He was a great friend and he was there for her, there was no denying that. But he had been telling her to let Eve go, that she had to, for her own benefit. That she’d done all she could by telling Eve that she loved her. But Olivia disagreed. She just couldn’t let her go. Not yet. She wasn’t ready and she couldn’t help but think that maybe there was a reason why she couldn’t. Like maybe there was some sort of fate waiting to play out. It was the kind of thing she read about in books and she knew most people didn’t believe in such things. But she was a firm believer in the kind of love and romance she read in books and saw in movies. Especially in having experienced it herself. And according to the romance writers of the world who literally bled all over the page as they poured out their hearts, that kind of love doesn’t die.
She grinned as she was finally able to balance and began to gain some ground. She rounded the trail five times before she eventually pulled up next to Aaron and killed the engine.
She tore off her gloves, goggles, and helmet and climbed from the bike. Aaron parked it and she hopped with joy when he came to join her.
“That was so much fun. Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” They sat on the tailgate of his Ram truck and she slid on her sunglasses. She drank from a cold bottle of water Aaron had fished out of their cooler behind them. He cracked open a Mountain Dew Kickstart and slurped.
“So, you like it, huh?”
“Like it? I didn’t want to stop. I just wanted to keep going faster and faster, whether I was ready yet or not. What a head rush,” she said.
They bumped shoulders and stared out at the vast desert. The sky was just a shade darker than baby blue, and the breeze continued to press against them. It was a beautiful day, and with this latest conquest, it should be one of her greatest days ever. But with the absence of Eve, it felt bittersweet.
“What’s her name?” Aaron asked, leaning back on his hand.
Olivia stared at him, stunned.
“The woman you’ve been seeing. What’s her name?”
Olivia choked on her water.
Aaron remained calm next to her as she had an internal nuclear meltdown. She wanted to run, to escape, but she was frozen. She couldn’t move.
Not now.
Not now.
Not when everything is still such a mess.
“It’s okay, Olivia, you don’t have to be afraid.”
She forced a swallow and focused so hard on a distant saguaro she worried it might burst into flames.
“How did you know?”
He shifted a little. “I’ve always known.”
She looked at him. “You couldn’t have.”
“Really, Olivia?”
“What?”
“You’re gonna sit there and act like the whole thing with your youth leader at church didn’t happen?”
She sat very still, now confused as well as stunned.
“Remember Sarah Benson?”
She reared back as the name registered.
“Oh, my God.” She hadn’t thought of her in years, and flashes of the past began to come at her like quick jabs from a prize fighter. One right after the other.
Aaron leaned forward. “You didn’t remember?”
“Not until just now.”
“You had it so bad for her. You followed her everywhere.”
Her mind spun as memories came. She struggled to make sense of them, to put them all together. She saw Sarah’s face, remembered that Sarah was sixteen when Olivia was thirteen. She remembered the two of them together, talking, laughing, and the way she’d felt so excited and happy when she was with her. And then, she remembered a specific moment. She saw the angles of Sarah’s face lit up in the streetlight. They were sitting just outside the church in the dark. It was late summer. Olivia could still hear the cicadas and smell the oncoming rain. Not just any rain, but that dusty, monsoon rain. She felt Sarah put her hand on hers and trace her fingers up her arm. She saw the look in her eyes, like she was in a deep dream and never wanted to wake. She saw her eyes close as she leaned in and kissed her.
Olivia touched her mouth, still recalling the warm, gentle probe of Sarah’s lips. She could still feel her and feel the sizzling voltage that struck her in response. It had been so instant and so enticing, she had clung to her, never wanting the feeling to end. And then, suddenly, there was a gasp and a shriek and a flicker of distant lightning. They were torn apart and taken away. She remembered angry voices, whispers of embarrassment and shame as she was hurriedly put in the back seat of her parents’ car.
“Mom and Dad, they knew,” she said, looking to Aaron for confirmation.
“Yes.”
“We were caught.”
“Yes. But it was kept very, very quiet. The only people who knew were Mom and Dad, her folks, and the pastor. And, well, I knew you were in love with her. It was more than obvious. And I figured out pretty quickly what happened in having to be around all the hush-hush that followed.”
“That’s why we left that church,” Olivia said softly.
“Mom and Dad pretty much flipped out. We changed churches, friends, nearly everything. You were really devastated. Really, really broken. You wouldn’t talk to anyone. You just holed up in your room.”
She wiped a tear, unable to remember any of that, but imagining the pain her young self must’ve endured. “I blocked all of that out, Aaron. I didn’t even remember her at all until you said her name just now.”
“You were really messed up over it,” he said. “And it’s not like you were given any help or comforted or shown any understanding. The whole thing was just swept under the rug, and Mom and Dad controlled and smothered you more than ever.”
He reached over and touched her hand. “I’m sorry, Olivia. I’m sorry you were treated like that and I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.”
She wiped more tears and leaned into him. “You were young, too. You didn’t know what to do.”
“I knew enough to know that Mom and Dad were wrong in how they treated you.”
“Yeah, well, there’s no surprise there, is there?”
He grew quiet and they both seemed to get lost in the desert before them.
“Do you want to talk about her?” he asked. “This woman you’re in love with?”
“Is it that obvious? That I’m in love?”
“Yes, Olivia, it is. You haven’t changed much in the way of love since you were thirteen. You still wear your heart on your sleeve and when you’re in love, like back then, it shows in everything you do and say. That’s how I knew you weren’t in love with Kenny. I knew who you really were. And I should’ve said something. But you were so far gone and so controlled and so scared to rock the boat with Mom and Dad, I knew you’d never listen to me. And I knew you’d never admit your feelings for women. Not at that time. Denial isn’t just a river in Egypt, you know? It can be a very powerful thing.”
He nudged her and smiled. “So, who is she, this new wonder woman of yours? She must be something wonderful, because my sister never has, with the exception of Sarah Benson, given her heart to anyone.”
Olivia hugged his arm. “She is, Aaron, she’s so very special.”
“Then why did it end?”
“How did you know it ended?”
He raised an eyebrow. Letting her know once again how obvious her feelings were. And she had been really down. How could he not’ve noticed?
“Because we’re both afraid.”
“Of what?”
“It’s difficult to put into words. I think we’re both afraid of what really loving each other would mean. We would have to completely open up and let each other in. We would have to trust, and in doing those things, our lives as we’ve come to know them would change forever.”
He sighed. “Know what I think? And this is coming from your dopey grease monkey of a brother. I think that in order to be brave, you first have to be vulnerable.”
“I hate feeling vulnerable.” She still couldn’t believe she’d told Eve she loved her. Had she not been caught up in the afterglow of passion, she probably wouldn’t have done it. She was definitely paying the price for that venture with vulnerability. Eve’s silence had been a terrible rejection and it still hurt.
“I know, you moron, I’m talking about you. I know you hate it, I do too. But if you never allow yourself to be vulnerable, then how can you ever be brave? And who wants to live their life afraid? Haven’t you had enough of that for a hundred lifetimes, Olivia? Aren’t you tired?”
“Yes, I’m so tired.”
“Then stop. Just open yourself up and go with the flow.” He nudged her again. “You never know where it might lead. And the not knowing what’s around the corner when you’re open like that, well, that’s better than any damn adrenaline rush you could ever hope to experience.”
“You’re smart as hell, you know that?”
“I have my moments.” He grinned and wrapped an arm around her. His smile faded as he grew serious once again. “Mom and Dad, though. That’s going to be rough. I think Mom suspects because every time she calls, she asks if you’re dating.”
“Oh, God.” Her stomach plummeted. “I guess she is, considering what happened with Sarah. Everything she’s said to me lately makes so much more sense now.”
“I want you to know I’m here for you this time around. If and when you ever tell them, if you want me to, I’ll be there.”
“Thanks. I just don’t know if I can do it. I have these moments of courage and determination, but then they just seem to vanish.”
“It’ll happen when it’s supposed to.” He pulled her tight. “So, what do you think? You gonna give that whole vulnerability thing a try? So you can unearth some courage and do all the things you want to do with your life? Like riding that bike today?”
“I don’t know. I’ll think about it.”
“You can do it. Just take it slow and easy,” he said.
“Are you telling me to watch that whisky throttle again?”
He laughed and tugged on his ball cap. “Yep, I sure am.”