“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this down,” Karen said from across the table.
Eve could still see her sipping her margarita even as she stared beyond her into oblivion. Her ability to focus had disappeared, taking along with it sleep and motivation. Crankiness and frustration, however, had moved in, attempting to set up permanent residence.
“Um, hello? Anyone home?” Karen was leaning forward, trying to get her attention.
Eve forced her gaze back to her friend. Normally, she’d come back at her with something clever, funny even. But she just didn’t have the will.
“My God. You’re really jonesing for this woman, aren’t you? Why don’t you just call her and put an end to all this suffering?”
Somehow, Eve managed a sigh. She’d been pining over Olivia since she’d last seen her, wondering why she hadn’t called, complaining that she hadn’t called, moping around because she hadn’t called.
“Well, for one, I don’t have any way to contact her. And for another, this needs to be her decision. I’m almost certain she feels the same attraction I do, but the way she behaved the last time I saw her and the things she said…I think she may be struggling with it.”
Which is why I’m so confused over my reaction to her silence. I shouldn’t be surprised or upset over her avoidance if she’s struggling with those feelings. Not only that, but dating confused women in the past has never ended well for me. So what the hell is going on here?
“Oh, now that’s news. You’ve failed to mention that little nugget of information.” She seemed to think for a moment. “What about your rule? About dating women who aren’t secure in their sexuality? Or have you forgotten?”
“I remember my rule.”
“Then that must be why you conveniently left out the bit about your suspicions. You knew I’d kick your ass for even considering dating her.”
“Yes. That’s exactly why I didn’t tell you.” She spread her hands and gave her an incredulous look. “What do you want me to say? You want me to deny it? I can’t. I knew you’d kick my ass, and honestly, Karen, I’ve been kicking my own ass over it plenty. I’ve gone over and over my rule and the fiascos in the past and I’m still thinking about her. I can’t seem to stop.”
“So if she calls are you going to throw your rule out the window?”
“Yes.”
“Wow. You didn’t even hesitate.”
“I don’t need to. I’ve done nothing but think about this. About her. She moves me, Karen. She is on a whole different level.”
“How so?”
“Well, she’s honest. Even when she tries to hide something, I can tell it’s not who she really is and that she feels discontent in not divulging everything. It’s an innocence I think, and her being that real, that authentic, to me, a virtual stranger, is very unusual and it shows me who she is inside.”
“And who is she?”
“She’s…good.”
“Good? Since when does Goody Two-shoes do it for you?”
Eve gave her a look. “There’s depth to this woman, Karen. Real depth. The way she seems to feel and process the world, it’s profound.”
“Okay. She’s deep, sensitive.”
“Yes. But there’s more.” She couldn’t help but smile. “She’s got some fire in her.”
“Really?” She eased back and crossed her arms.
“She’s headstrong and stubborn and she can be temperamental. She’s a fighter and she’s ambitious and extremely determined. There’s a definite passion there. I don’t think she even realizes it, because she’s been so repressed, but it’s there. Especially with me. She reacts so strongly when I touch her, I almost expect her to spontaneously combust.” She wiped at the sweat on her glass and got lost in the marks from her fingertip. “And the way she dives into my eyes.” She shook her head. “It’s like I’m the rarest most beautiful thing she’s ever seen and she’s trying with all her might to commit me to memory.”
She returned her gaze to Karen, who also seemed to be caught up in her description of Olivia.
“But the thing that gets me the most. I mean really tunnels down deep and stirs me, is how everything she says and does and feels, it all seems to be one hundred and ten percent…” she paused, searching for the right word.
“Heartfelt.”
Karen was quiet for a few long seconds. “I’m at a loss for words. I’ve never heard you talk like this before.”
“I’m a little surprised as well.”
“You know who you sound like, don’t you?”
“No, who?”
“You sound like a romantic.”
Eve spun her glass slowly around and around.
“Yeah,” Karen said. “Try that one on for size.”
“I guess, I do, don’t I?”
“You’re admitting it? You make fun of romantics, Eve.”
“I have before, yes.”
“So, what’s happening here?”
“I don’t know. And don’t think that doesn’t scare the shit out of me, because it does. But, Karen. Jesus, God, Karen. I want her. And not just physically, either. I want all of her. I want to know this woman inside and out.”
“I know you don’t want to hear it, but you’ve got it bad, my friend. You’re well past Go with two hundred dollars in hand and you’re headed straight for Love Boulevard.”
“No,” Eve said, resting her elbows on the table. “Saying I sound like a romantic is one thing, but no, I don’t do love.”
“Eve, you’re love bound, babe. You are riding that wild train of helpless devotion like a demon, pulling on that whistle something fierce.”
“Okay, I get your point.” She massaged her brow while focusing on the table.
“You know I’m all for you meeting someone special and settling down. I want that for you more than I can express.”
“But?”
“It’s not what you want. You just said so.”
“Right.”
“Then you need to let this go. Let her go. Because, I’m telling you, you’re going to fall for her. Hard. It’s already happening, and I know you think you can control how you feel and delve into this woman with sex and passion and an exploration of who she is and somehow keep it casual. But you can’t. Not when it comes to love. There is no way to control that. You wouldn’t know because you’ve never felt like this before. I have. So, please, listen to me and save yourself and this woman a lot of trouble and forget about her.”
Eve almost gulped her margarita, too worked up to sip.
“I must’ve said something that reached you, because you’re stressing.”
Eve took a break from her consumption of her drink even though there was very little left.
“She’s not going to call, so this whole conversation is moot.”
“She could still call.”
“It’s been weeks.”
“Just be ready if she does. Know what you’re going to say.”
Eve downed the remainder of her drink in a single shot and placed her empty glass on the table. “Let’s just talk about something else, please.”
Karen patted her hand.
“Look outside. It’s a beautiful day. A glorious day. And look at us. We’re alive, we’re healthy and, not to mention, extremely attractive.” She grinned wickedly and motioned at the food and drinks on the table like she was a spokesmodel showing off merchandise. “And we’ve got margaritas and guac. Some seriously good guac. Two of your favorite things.” She winked. “So come on, show some life, kid. Dig into those homemade tortilla chips like I know you can and forget about the girl.”
“I’ll drink but I can’t stomach anything to eat. Not right now.” Not when Olivia was out there somewhere, undoubtedly lost to her forever. She wasn’t yet okay with that, despite Karen’s opinions.
If she were being honest with herself, she wasn’t sure she ever would be.