Chapter 33
May 16
Back at school I am feeling extremely heroic, only I can’t tell anyone of course (except Jonah, who is finally out of his sinus coma). He’s pretty bummed that he wasn’t a part of the final showdown, but I’m glad he was sick in bed, because he could have been shot. Scratch that. He would have been shot.
It doesn’t matter that I can’t tell anyone about my weekend. My head is higher, my back straighter, my chest stronger. I may have grown a few inches.
I clean up my area in art class, carefully sliding my paintings and drawings into a folder. The familiar earthy smell of pottery clay puts a permagrin on my face. It’s not a goodbye. It’s a see you next year.
“Edmund?” Jenny Miller’s voice startles me out of my happy thoughts.
“Yeah?” I say, like the smooth talker I am.
“I have something for you. Have a good summer.” She hands me another present. A quick glance reveals that it’s a bumper sticker, and it says something about a cat. My brow furrows as I take it from her. Is the girl of my dreams trying to change me? Force me to be someone I’m not? Force me to . . . like cats?
I straighten my glasses, and then I see it correctly: I LIKE CATS. THEY TASTE LIKE CHICKEN. I beam at her. She smiles and waves goodbye.
I float all the way to Spanish class.
Somewhere in the middle of cloud nine, I hear sounds coming from the boys’ bathroom. Distress noises. I walk in and there’s Jonah, pinned against the wall by our class thug. Jonah is whimpering and his mouth is curling in a weird way, as if “Puddles” is going to pay a visit.
“Beat it, Edmund. This is between me and your girlfriend,” Robin rumbles in my direction.
“No.”
“What did you say?” He drops Jonah and turns, eyes narrowing.
I could run. The door is right behind me. I could run and get a teacher.
Sorry, Detective Bovano. I’m not running this time. This guy I can take.
“Nobody makes Jonah pee his pants except me!” I yell, shoving Robin as hard as I can. He stumbles back onto a urinal and gets his sleeve wet. Gross. His face blotches up even more as he struggles to his feet.
“You’re dead, loser,” he jeers, clenching his fists and lunging at me. I stand my ground and do the cool leg-sweeping move that Bovano leveled me with. I’ve been practicing.
Robin sees me coming and tries to jump my leg. Apparently I move as slowly as my grandmother. But he stumbles and falls, this time hard on his knee. “Ahhh!” he cries out in pain.
Okay, the move didn’t go as planned. But it still counts.
“Boys! What’s going on here?”
Mr. Pee, impeccable timing as always.
“Thanks,” sniffs Jonah. He blows his nose for the millionth time. Poor kid is still a little sick.
“No problem. Sorry about the pee comment. It came out the wrong way.”
“It’s all right. I know what you meant.”
We’re sitting outside the principal’s office, awaiting our punishment. I’m not worried. But Robin Christopher should be.
Jonah reaches for another tissue. “You know, I think I’m going to give up on my military studies. It didn’t prepare us for battle properly. I’m on to other things now.”
“Yeah?”
“Ninjas. Much better in alleys. Sneakier.”
He taps his foot, his mind going a million clicks per second. “We’ll start with fencing. Nunchucks, black suits, soft quiet shoes . . . and if you’re locked away in your apartment this summer, I’ll scale the wall ninja-style. You’re only two floors up. We’ll need carabiners, climbing chalk, a harness, and rope. Think you could rig up a pulley system from your window? And throwing stars. Of course, it’s summer, so there’s the daylight factor . . .”
I smile and shake my head as he rattles on.
“The principal will see you now. Are you boys ready?” the secretary asks over her glasses.
Jonah turns a bit pale as we stand up. I pat him on the back. “It’s okay, Jonah. We’re ready,” I say.
Turns out being Eddie Red is pretty great, despite the alleyway abductions, the shootouts, and the large and irritable detectives. I’ve got a great best friend, a present in my pocket from a cute girl, and a bully on the run. I’ve foiled the plans of an Evil Mastermind. I have a check in the bank to pay for Senate next year. I’m about to have a very enlightening conversation with the school principal on his bullying policies. And from the sounds of it, I have an extremely entertaining summer ahead of me.
Things are good.
In fact, they’re über-good.
THE END