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Troy loved the silence. After the chaos that had induced flashbacks of his own time, he needed solitude. It was one of the side effects he found of the “incident” as he thought of that night. He startled easily, enjoyed more time alone with his thoughts, and craved more peaceful surroundings.
As a man who had been raised in the city, filled with so many noises, hearing your own thoughts was a change. After an incident like what just happened, he needed to be alone in solitude to regroup. He did not need others to know how difficult it still was, day after day, to act like he was all good and ready to tackle real-life again with a vengeance. He hated that loud noises now made his heart lurch to a stop, even the most innocuous ones. He disliked how people tried his nerves and made him wish for a cabin in the hills all by his lonesome. He didn’t want to think about what Katherine would go through should something happen to her father. He had watched Ben, who wasn’t even family, deal with his assault.
So many times, during those early days, Troy had wanted to reach out to Ben and let him know he was okay. The words never came. It was the addict and street hustler who had put him into a car and driven him to this place. It was something bigger than any power Troy had ever experienced that brought silence, solitude, and focus into his world. He was grateful every day because the thoughts during those critical moments following his incident had been about to drive him to the ledge. Without Ben, driving him home to Little Bend that dark night, he wouldn’t be walking around today, of that he was sure.
Troy continued to put one foot in front of the other until he reached the edge of the Little River. There he found the small bench on the shore he had discovered the first time he had made this trek. “Tell God Your Fears” was etched in the back of it, and it made him smile every time. He imagined this is what God’s confessional would look like, big open spaces, and the beauty of the sky, snow, and animals all around to induce you to spill your secrets.
“It’s been another rough one,” he whispered to the winds.
“Please watch over Katherine’s father. I care so much what happens to her, and that look on her face,” he shook his head side to side slowly as he lowered himself onto the bench.
“I thank you for helping Ben find his way back here; he is in such a wonderful place. I hope that I get there in the short term, but moments like this morning put it all front and center again.”
He watched across the frozen water, to where a rabbit hopped across the ice. When another followed behind, he found the sadness lifted and a smile breakthrough.
“I love being able to hear my thoughts. I don’t think I ever had that in the city, but here it makes me want to converse with myself. I can find that inner strength and exercise it for the good of many again. I dislike that it was silenced by the fear that I try every day to rise above, but still, it rests heavily upon my soul.”
“Care if I join you,” a voice asked, cutting through his reverie.
He looked up and recognized Stormi. “Sure,” he said, scooting down a bit.
She sat down, “I see you found my quiet place.”
“It’s so perfect out here; I find myself drawn back here repeatedly. I know you probably don’t understand, but everyone at Living River is so giving, vibrant and full of life, and yet I crave this peace like none other.”
“I was abandoned at birth at the church in Little Bend,” she said, catching Troy off guard.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”
She nodded as he watched.
“I’m still seeking answers to the big question of why?”
He nodded. That was a huge ask.
“Any answers so far?”
“You know, I found an irrefutable truth being here in both the solitude and noise of Living River?”
“Lay it on me.”
“Perfect people, who have never had a problem in their life can’t empathize enough to put it all on the line to help others in a meaningful way. We are better at making an impact on people who need us because of the scars we carry. And in these quiet moments, by ourselves, someone much wiser gives us the means to seek solace and strength to carry on a mission bigger than any of us could ever have done ourselves.”
Troy sat there, stunned for a moment. The advice was so spot-on; he felt it inflate his soul. “Wow, He listens when we tell Him our fears. I hadn’t expected such a resounding answer.”
Stormi put her face back and let it bask in the sunlight. “I heard about Katherine, and when you didn’t come back to the ranch, I wondered how you were doing. It must be hard remembering your own emergency not so long ago.”
“I’m better now. I don’t know why your mom would have left you, but you are right, that scar has driven you to amazing heights. I have met so many who use the sins of the past as justification for current indiscretions. You use it to fuel your passions to help others in tough situations. I bet wherever she is now; she would be proud.”
“I found out recently she died,” Stormi whispered. “I figure she might be watching over me now, and when I get my chance to see her, I want no regrets to stand in the way.”
Troy nodded. The silence lingered, but the profoundness of this place permeated even the stillness.
