Chapter 16
Ben’s bed was empty when I walked into his hospital room, the smell of Italian beef, extra peppers, wafting out of the greasy bag in my hand. I stood for a moment, confused, having expected to see him sitting up, dressed and ready to go.
“You’re here for Detective Mickerson?” I turned to find Ben’s nurse, the one I’d seen the day before with the med tray, standing behind me.
“Yeah. Has he already been discharged?”
She placed a hand on my arm, steered me farther into the room. “They had to take him back to surgery about an hour ago. He was bleeding internally, having trouble breathing. Yours was the only number we had, but there was no answer. We didn’t know who else to call.”
Her voice sounded like it was coming from so far away. I stared at her, half hearing her. I heard surgery, bleeding internally. I drew my phone out of my pocket, saw the flashing light. I had silenced it during my breakfast with my father and had forgotten to unmute it. I’d missed the call. I swallowed hard. “Is he going to be okay?”
“They’re doing everything they can.” Keen, sympathetic eyes held mine. “Should we call someone else? A family member?”
I backed away from her, set the high-smelling bag down on the tray table. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. It didn’t make sense. “No,” I said. “I’ll do it.”
The nurse nodded and then eased out of the room to give me some privacy. I fell back into a chair, my entire body numb, cold. When I could hold my phone steady, I punched in the numbers for Ben’s sister, Carole.
* * *
We sat anxiously in the surgical waiting room. His color restored, Ben had looked good when I saw him yesterday. He’d been joking around about bacon and peppers. I glanced over at Carole and at their mother, Ida. Both tense and worn practically to nothing by worry. The Mickersons had also assembled a few cousins and an elderly aunt. We’d all been here for hours already without any word on Ben’s condition. Cops, friends of Ben’s, had cycled in and out, as had Eli, Barb, and even Whip, who’d left work to make sure I was okay, but I’d sent them all home. There was no sense in all of us being here, and I couldn’t leave. It was up to me to take care of Ben’s family.
I stood. “Anyone need anything? Coffee? Food?” I turned to Ben’s mother, lowered my voice to a soothing whisper. “Mrs. Mickerson?”
The weak, sweet smile she gave me almost broke my heart. It was weird thinking of big, burly Ben as this small, silent woman’s baby, but that was what he was to her. I couldn’t begin to fully grasp what she was feeling, but I could see the agony on her face. She shook her head, said nothing, but reached over and squeezed my hand gently, a silent thank-you.
Carole stood, as weary, as fearful as I was. “I need to stretch my legs. I’ll come with you.”
We walked down the hall, rounded the corner, stopped at an alcove of vending machines—bad coffee, snacks, bottles of overpriced water in toxic bottles. Depressing. Carole and I stood blinking at the display, neither of us, apparently, willing to make the first move.
“Off duty and knifed in a bookstore,” she finally said, rummaging for change in her oversize bag. “God, I hate the job you two do. Always have. He was fine. He called me yesterday. I chewed him out for not telling us right away he got hurt. Know what he said? ‘No big deal.’ He said it matter-of-factly. No big deal. I called him a selfish prick.” Her hand stilled. “That’s the last thing I said to him. ‘You selfish prick.’ ” She went back to diving for change, violently, as though she were trying to punch a hole in the bottom of her bag. “What’s wrong with me?”
I reached into my bag and pulled out a handful of loose change, kept there in case of emergency. I fed several coins into a slot, but neither of us made a selection. Instead, we stood there staring at the processed poison neither of us really wanted.
“These greedy assholes actually have the nerve to charge one-fifty for sixteen ounces of Pepsi?” Carole rolled her eyes. She looked a lot like Ben—same nose, same eyes—but she was two years younger, slight. “At least when they rob you on the street, you can half respect it.”
I punched the button for the pop and watched as the machine thrust it forward off the shelf and it landed with a thud in the tray at the bottom. I handed it to Carole.
She went on. “You two deal with the worst people. Why? What’s in it for you? You work yourselves to death, all hours, no time for family, no time for a life. For this? You were shot, for God’s sake, and nearly died. Now he’s lying in there with his stomach sliced open by some maniac. I don’t understand what makes you keep going back for more.”
I turned my back to the machine after getting a glimpse of my reflection in the glass, the haunted look on my face. “It’s just what we’re good at.”
“It’s tempting fate, and I hate it. How many times do we have to end up here? How many more chances will you or he get before your number comes up? Don’t you worry about that?”
I didn’t. I couldn’t, could I? If I did, I couldn’t do what I did for the people I did it for. Those who couldn’t stand for themselves, fight for themselves, those who had lived their entire lives under the heel of some fat cat’s boot. I hated bullies. I hated unfairness. I couldn’t abide needless suffering. Ben understood. I knew he felt the same.
A cold shaft of fear shot up my spine. “Can we talk about something else?” I needed something, and I didn’t know what. Damned certain whatever it was couldn’t be found in a vending machine, no matter how many coins I slid into the slot. It was an awful feeling.
* * *
Dr. Alton entered the waiting room hours later and called out Ben’s name. I stood back as his family crowded around for the update, but Mrs. Mickerson pulled me forward to stand with the rest. Ben was out of surgery, in recovery, she said, then off to the ICU. He’d blown a fairly substantial clot, which she thought they were able to fix, but he was now on a respirator, unconscious. I held on to Ben’s mother, my hands surprisingly steady, yet the old woman stood far steadier than I felt. We’d have to wait and see, the doctor said. Then she was gone.
I found a quiet spot outside the hospital and stood with my face tilted up to the night sky. It was late, nearly eleven. Everything beyond where I stood felt a million miles away, unreachable. Ben was holding his own, but no one knew how it’d go. We were in an uncertain state, limbo, waiting for the fates and medical science to decide.
Carole eased in beside me. “You just can’t sit still, can you?”
I breathed in deep. “Just needed some air.”
She gazed up at the sky, breathed in deep. “Same as him. He’s always got to be doing something.”
I smiled. “Eating mostly.”
“True.” She turned to face me. “Do you know he has feelings for you? I’ve always wanted to ask you that. Never had the nerve before.”
“What?”
“He’d never admit it, but I know my brother. He doesn’t take to a lot of people, certainly not to his first wife. I tried to tell him before the wedding, but he wouldn’t listen. Bullheaded. You and he are different, though. I thought you should know, in case he doesn’t get to tell you himself.”
I shook my head, felt my face flush. “It’s not like that.”
“Yeah it is. I see you two together. You couldn’t be more different, but you’re like the same person in a way.” She read my face. “You really missed it, didn’t you? That’s wild. You two have got to be the smartest dumb people I know.” She gave my arm an affectionate squeeze. “I’ll shut up now. I’m taking Mom home, and then I’ll be back.”
Shaken, I stood there, not sure what to say. What had I missed? When had I missed it? I answered Carole absently. “I’ll be here.”
She moved to stand in front of me. “No you won’t. That’s what I also wanted to say. We’ve got this part covered. We—the family, that is—want you looking for the guy who did this.”
“That’s being handled,” I said, my voice rising, adamant. “I’m staying here.”
“Why? What can you do besides worry like the rest of us?”
“I can take care of his family. I can be here to do that.”
“We don’t need it. We want you to do what you’re good at.” She exhaled, wiped her tired eyes. “He did the same for you, you know. Things weren’t looking good. I was here, too, with Father Ray and Mrs. Vincent. They were so nice, so worried about you. We looked up at one point, and Ben was gone. We didn’t know where. The nurses found his star on the table next to your bed in the ICU. He’d gone looking for Farraday, we found out later. Thank God he was able to stop himself before he did anything stupid.” She smiled weakly. “See? Feelings. Smart dumb, the both of you. You want to take care of the family, then do this for us. Find him. Bring him in. Say yes.”
I had no words. I had no idea about Ben going looking for Farraday. He’d never said a thing about it. All I was able to manage was a nod.