ALEX SHUT his eyes and leaned on the subway window, using the rhythmic sway of the train to transcend the roiling in his gut. He needed to restore his confidence—and serenity—brutally disrupted by the unexpected attack. Thankfully, his breathing slowed down, and his heart stopped racing. It would do no good to let his emotions get the better of him. What mattered most was their safety—Zeb and Bacon’s. Alex had succeeded in protecting them this time, and he considered it a win, even if justice hadn’t prevailed.
Although a small crowd had gathered to watch the altercation, they scattered like dead leaves in the wind once the word cop had been mentioned. No one wanted to get involved, especially on Christmas, and a judge couldn’t do much if none of the bystanders were willing to testify. Alex felt fortunate that Zeb followed his lead. Being combative and insisting on having the skinheads dragged away in handcuffs would only subject Zeb to snide remarks and pitiful glances at the police station. Alex could handle the bullshit, but as scrappy as Zeb had proven to be in the past, he was still unseasoned in his newly acknowledged orientation, and the humiliation would sting. It might even ruin whatever chance they had at a long-term relationship.
Now Zeb sat quietly by his side, with Bacon securely on his lap, and for that Alex was grateful. He was afraid he’d lose it if the opposite were true. All the same, frustration swamped him when he turned the key in the front door. Punching a hole in the wall would have been satisfying, except the building was old and probably made of plaster instead of drywall. He’d end up breaking a few bones and feeling worse.
After getting Bacon settled into his crate, Alex joined Zeb at the kitchen table. He’d already popped open two beers and was halfway through his bottle.
“Let’s go to the living room,” Alex suggested. “It’s more comfortable.”
Sitting on opposite ends of the sofa, they finished their drinks before attempting a conversation. Alex didn’t know what to say to make the situation any better. He hoped Zeb wasn’t having second thoughts; on the other hand, who could blame him? He didn’t sign up for any of this shit.
As if reading his thoughts, Zeb put his drink down and straddled Alex. Bracketing his face, he observed, “You’re overthinking this.”
“Maybe, but my concerns are legitimate,” Alex said, detaching Zeb’s hands and holding them close to his chest. “Don’t expect me to shrug this off without discussing it.”
“Look, you asked me a question earlier and I answered it,” Zeb reminded him. “I’m not running away because of one random incident.”
“Actually, this sort of thing isn’t that random,” Alex stressed. “You’d have no way of knowing, since you’re new at this, but the majority of us are vigilant to the extreme. We have to be hyperaware of the way we dress, the things we say, and our surroundings. You can’t count on reasonable human reactions to irrational hate, no matter how often you hear the words tolerant or gay-friendly. We’re not there yet. And as a trans man, I’m under more scrutiny, which will rub off on you. Honestly, sugar, I’m not sure you’re equipped to deal with any of this. It would crush me to see the admiration in your eyes change to fear or, even worse, regret.”
Zeb shook his head. “I know you’re trying to scare me away.”
“Is it working?”
Zeb pressed their foreheads together, and Alex waited for the ax to fall on their short-lived union.
“You should know by now that I don’t quit when things get tough,” Zeb stressed. “I might be the lousiest cook, and somewhat of a slob, but I’m no coward. I’ll admit that there’s a lot I don’t know yet, but I’m a fast learner and won’t give up on us. Not for this. If we break up, it’ll be for a better reason.”
Once again, Zeb had managed to overcome Alex with his sincerity. He was horrified to feel the pressure in his throat, and would rather have his eyes gouged out before succumbing to tears. All his life he’d been told that real men didn’t cry. Whenever the urge came upon him, he felt like an imposter, and the last thing he wanted to lose was Zeb’s respect. Dredging up the last of his reserves, he asked in a wobbly voice, “What would you consider a good reason to break up?”
“If we stopped giving a shit,” Zeb replied. “You’ve had your say, given me the opening to exit gracefully, and I’m turning you down. Believe me when I tell you my life has been so much better since meeting you. You make me happy, and that’s all I care about.”
Alex squeezed his eyes shut and dragged in a long, shuddery breath. He knew he’d lost the battle as unwelcome tears began to flow the minute he opened his eyes. “Sorry for being such a big cry baby.”
“What did I tell you about crying?” Zeb said gently. “Don’t apologize, sweetheart; just say you feel the same way.”
“I do,” Alex choked out, clinging to Zeb. When he could talk without hiccupping, he asked. “Are you ready for bed?”
“Yes,” Zeb said, getting to his feet.
Alex left his boxers on, as usual, but Zeb was naked when he climbed into bed and spooned against Alex’s back. He wasn’t hard, though, which was just as well. Alex wasn’t in the mood for sex, and he refused to fake it. He’d sworn not to fall into that trap long ago. It would have been easy since his body didn’t have to catch up with his brain. With a drawer full of toys, “getting in the mood” was simply a question of strapping on, but to Alex, it felt like a betrayal of epic magnitude.
“Can I ask you a question?”
“Uh-oh,” Alex replied. “This is your standard opening for an earth-shattering discussion.”
“Sorry, but you know me. I’m curious by nature.”
“What is it, shou?”
“Have you ever bottomed?”
His silence prompted Zeb to ask uncertainly, “Too intrusive?”
Alex rolled over and stared at Zeb, who was looking at him wide-eyed. He’d picked a hell of a time to broach this conversation, but he supposed Zeb deserved the truth after he’d been so honest about his own feelings. Would this next revelation be the last fucking straw? There was only one way to find out. Taking a deep breath, Alex said, “Long ago I let someone into my life who turned out to be a self-serving douchebag. He said he loved me just as I was, but in the end, he resented my lack of equipment.”
“How old were you?” Zeb asked.
“I’d just turned fifteen,” Alex replied.
“That’s so young!”
“We start early in the South, and I’d already had my growth spurt. I looked older.”
“Doesn’t make a difference,” Zeb snarled. “What did he do?”
“He dropped a roofie in my Dr Pepper and raped me. I’m a big dude and tried to fight back, but it felt like I was under water. My limbs were too heavy, and nothing was effective.”
“The fucking pig,” Zeb said sympathetically.
Alex felt the tears close to the surface again and wanted to get up and lock himself in the bathroom, but there was no point. Zeb would still be here when he walked out. He stopped trying to hold them back and wasn’t surprised when Zeb reached for a tissue on the nightstand and handed it over wordlessly. Reassured, he continued to recount the events of that horrific night.
“The worst part was he used me as a woman and didn’t bother with a condom. I wasn’t on testosterone yet so I was still ovulating. After unloading in my vagina, my date flipped me over and shoved a bottle up my ass. Literally. Fortunately, it didn’t break, but it hurt like hell.”
“Jesus Christ!”
“It wasn’t pretty,” Alex admitted. “The only positive that came out of it was I didn’t remember much the next day. I just hurt in all the wrong places.”
“How did you block it out of your mind?”
“Loss of memory is a side effect of the drug,” Alex explained. “That’s why so many rapes go unreported.”
“What in the ever-loving fuck!” Zeb exclaimed. “Did your parents find out?”
“Oh yeah,” Alex said. “I had to tell them when I discovered I was pregnant.”
“Say what again?”
“You heard right….”
“Holy hell,” Zeb whispered. “That’s so messed up.”
Alex reached for Zeb and was immediately enfolded in a tight embrace. Hiding his face against Zeb’s naked chest, Alex cried, remembering the horror of facing one of the toughest decisions in an already heavily compromised life. To Zeb’s credit, he didn’t press for more answers and simply held on, whispering endearments that soothed and encouraged Alex to stay right where he was. About thirty minutes later, when the tears had dried up, Alex asked. “Do you want to hear more?”
“Only if you’re willing,” Zeb replied gently. “There’s no rush.”
Alex sat up and grabbed the box of tissues. He sopped up his cheeks, blew his nose, and leaned against the headboard beside Zeb, who pulled the bedsheet and comforter over their laps. They held hands as he continued.
“By the time I told my parents, it was too late to press charges. There was no rape kit and it was his word against mine. Plus, I didn’t want to go that route. There was enough talk about me as things stood. Being the only trans guy in our high school had already branded me, and I didn’t want any more attention. After hashing out the pros and cons, I made the decision to have the baby without informing the father.”
“That must have been tough.”
“You have no idea,” Alex said, snorting. “The hardest part for me was deciding whether I would keep the baby or not. I could have easily had an abortion, but was it the right thing? I’d already burdened my parents with my need to transition. I’m an only child, and once I started on hormones, the opportunity to give them a grandchild would be slim. That glaring truth factored heavily in my deliberations. For whatever reason, I’d been put in a position where I could do one thing to make them happy when all I’d done up to then was make them miserable. Maman and I went to Paris in my fifth month, where my paternal grandmother lived. Papa followed when it got closer to my time. Gabrielle was born in a small clinic near the apartment. We put my parents’ names on her birth certificate. No one questioned it because I had the same last name.”
“You’re something else, you know that? I knew you were special in so many ways, but this sacrifice takes it to another level. I can’t even….”
“I have no regrets, sugar. Gabby is the sweetest, most beautiful thing to emerge from that dark hour. My parents have been raising her as their child, but I’ve created a trust for her future needs and contribute regularly. She views me as her big brother and nothing more.”
“I’m in awe that you didn’t take the easy way out,” Zeb said.
“And regret it all my life? No.” Alex shook his head. “It’s hard to keep the truth from Gabby, but I would have never recovered if I’d gone the other route.”
“I think you’re terribly brave and absolutely selfless,” Zeb said. “I’ll do my best to erase whatever bad memories are lingering from that awful experience.”
“You’re nothing like that bastard,” Alex swore. “Would you like to meet Gabby someday?”
“I’d love to,” Zeb said. “Does she look like you?”
“Her sperm donor was white, so she’s more bisque than brown, but she has my eyes and mouth. And nappy hair,” Alex added, grinning. “My poor mother is wrestling with snarls and tangles again.”
“She must be gorgeous,” Zeb concluded. “What is she? Eight?”
“Almost. Her birthday is next month.”
“Did you have the hysterectomy shortly after?”
Alex shook his head. “I had to wait until I was legal.”
“But it’s done, right? You can’t get pregnant again?”
“Don’t worry, sugar. It’ll never happen again.”
“Not that I’d mind,” Zeb blustered. “I’m cool with having kids, but not yet.”
Alex chuckled. “You’re really one of a kind.”
“Hey, I speak from the heart. There’s nothing wrong with that.”
“Nothing at all,” Alex said gruffly. “You will take this revelation to your grave, right? No one knows except my parents and you.”
“That goes without saying,” Zeb confirmed.
“Can we turn the lights off and try to get some sleep?” Alex asked. “Confessions are exhausting.”
“Of course,” Zeb replied, reaching for the lamp on the nightstand.
In the darkness, they spooned with Alex taking the outer position. It had been an emotional day from start to finish, and it was amazing they were still so connected. He had been certain Zeb would have packed his bags and come up with some excuse to escape, but he’d been proven wrong. Again.
Zeb hadn’t flinched and was even willing to meet Gabby. Now, more than ever, Alex was confident they had a future. Perhaps he was delusional and this would blow up in his face someday, although he doubted it. Zeb wasn’t that kind of guy. There was no telling what the future had in store for them, but for the moment, Alex breathed a lot easier. It was such a relief to come clean and still have Zeb’s love and respect. He was tempted to get on the phone and tell his parents what had transpired, but it was almost one o’clock in the morning. They didn’t need to be frightened by unexpected calls at such an ungodly hour. It could wait until tomorrow.
The next time he skyped, he’d ask his parents to put Gabby on. He’d felt guilty that he couldn’t wish her a Merry Christmas earlier. It would have led to questions he hadn’t been willing to answer yet, but now there was no need to hide. His sweet girl could charm the heck out of Zeb, and there would be no ramifications. She already knew her big brother liked boys more than girls. It was a truth he’d insisted on explaining to her early on, and seeing him with Zeb wouldn’t raise any questions. With optimism in his heart, he closed his eyes and drifted.