i have never told anybody
about the time i i i
slept with three guys at once
cause it never happened
but why o why
did i say anything about
the ping-pong table, the slits
that were his eyes, the river that now runs
backwards, and about the o! o! o!
meadow?
how it was
crossed and recrossed
and crossed
out the grass turning to sea
to wallow
how i crossed my heart and hoped
to finally and decisively
live but died o,
so young and so hard, killed
everything
was resurrected
into somebody's mother, somebody's (x?) wife
did i mention my first kiss was extracted
by someone who never should have been that
lucky? and how much later i threw
my virginity and, later still, my vanity
away?
probably
how now i'm wearing them again, like a strapless
backless dress and a powerpuffs backpack?
like a pinkblueyellow hand knit woolen cap?
i have not told anyone, but,
like marty running, i too have shat my pants
remember that navy blue night when your friend's wife told
your husband in the dark
among the dripping roses
that you were trying to steal
hers?
and you didn't know it then
but yours was already lost
and gone?
actually, i probably have already said
a word or two about that
to one or two
and do you recall when X called you unamunam-
unambitious?
you told many many many tales about that
except that maybe you are, were
when will you learn to keep it
quiet
for god's sake
don't tell anyone
you sent your son flying
into a jamb, it was a door he was up against,
it was this hard as a board this life
his my eye
and the blood in it, for you
excuse me,
i have laid aside or betrayed
every one and thing you have ever . . .
owed
owned
sown
thrown
wanted
got
sometimes do you have to step outside your life
or, at least, outside your house, when it was (nay, is) late late
late at night to see how bright
and warm where you live is, was
how right?
and even then you didn't and don't believe it
because you are and are not right
is was and is wasn't
and it ain't
wrong or right
i have yet to say much of anything on the topic
of being the betrayed instead of the betrayer
of what was left
on my husband's cell
like in the bedroom like unfaithful
i, (you too?), have disposed of the body
singing: honesty
is a luxury
will you spare me
the gory details:
okay, so you yourself have fucked with your eyes your hand
your cunt
closed over somebody else's cock
and turns out they were really fucking "you"
sometimes
bite out your his our her lovely tongue(s)
mind the tip of your nose, where your fingers went, how you
got down
on your knees, look out
for your pink your black
your steel colored and cloud covered . . .
go ahead, sell that stupid old soul, but, please, mind your step,
your mind, please
please,
pletase!
keep some of it
some of this (shhhhhhhhh . . .)
some of . . . iiiiiitttttt
for yourself