APPENDIX

HOW TO SOUND INTELLIGENT: USEFUL NAMES

PHILOSOPHERS

Aristotle.......................AIR-is-tot-el

Confucius.....................Con-FYOO-shes (like “confusion”)

Descartes.....................Day-CART

Erasmus........................Ir-ASS-muss

Kant.............................KAHNT

Kierkegaard..................KEER-ki-guard

Machiavelli....................Mock-ee-ah-VEL-lee

Nietzsche......................NEE-cha

Plato.............................PLAY-toe

Sartre............................SAR-tra

Schopenhauer...............SHOW-pen-how-er

Socrates.......................SOCK-ra-tease

Sun Tzu........................SOON ZOO

ARTISTS

Botticelli ......................Bot-i-CHEL-lee

Brueghel.......................BROY-gull

Cézanne ..............Say-ZON

Chagall ........................Sha-GALL

Dalí..............................DA-lee

Da Vinci.......................Da VIN-chee

Degas...........................Day-GA

Delacroix......................Del-a-QUA

Duchamp......................Doo-SHAN

Gauguin........................Go-GAN

Gentileschi....................Gen-tile-LESS-ski

Hokusai........................HOE-koo-sigh

Klee.............................CLAY

Magritte.......................Ma-GREET

Manet..........................Ma-NAY

Matisse........................Ma-TEESE

Miró............................Mee-ROW

Monet..........................Moan-NAY

Munch.........................MOONK

Raphael.......................RA-fay-el

Renoir.........................REN-war

Rodin..........................ROW-dan

Seurat.........................Se-RA

Toulouse-Lautrec........Too-LOOSE Lo-TRECK

Van Dyck...................Van DIKE

Van Gogh...................Van GO

NOVELISTS, POETS, AND PLAYWRIGHTS

Aristophanes...............Air-is-TOF-an-ees

Baudelaire...................Bode-a-LARE

Brontë.........................BRON-tay

Camus........................Cam-OO

Capote.......................Ca-PO-tee

Cervantes...................Sir-VON-tease

Cocteau.....................Cock-TOE

Dante.........................DON-tay

Dostoyevsky..............Dost-ta-YEF-ski

Dumas.......................Doo-MA

Flaubert.....................Flow-BEAR

García Márquez.........Gar-SEE-ah MAR-kez

Goethe......................GER-ta

Kafka.......................COUGH-ka

Kundera....................Coon-DUH-ra

Maugham..................MOM

Molière.....................Mole-YARE

Nabokov..................Na-BOK-ov

Poe...........................PO

Pynchon....................PIN-chin

Rabelais....................RAB-a-lay

Rushdie.....................RUSH-dee

Shakespeare..............SHAKE-spear

Solzhenitsyn...............Soul-jen-EAT-zen

Yeats.........................YATES

HOW TO TELL YOUR PARENTS YOU’VE BEEN EXPELLED

Mom and Dad—I’ve got something big I need to tell you. Your baby boy/girl is coming home! And not just for a visit this time—for good.

I’ve decided that college just isn’t working out for me. And believe me, I’ve discussed this with the dean, my advisors, and several professors, so I’m very sure about it. In a while I’ll probably be ready to try school again, at another college, one that is a better fit for my strengths and abilities. This just wasn’t the right time and place.

Due to a whole tangle of academic rules and regulations—which were part of the problem, actually— you’ll be getting a letter from the dean. Officially, of course, he has to come up with some important-sounding explanations and a lot of exaggerated descriptions of what I’ve done and not done, and reasons for not refunding the tuition.

But that’s not important. What is important is that I miss you guys, and I think that it’s best if I leave school now. After all, isn’t college really about figuring out who you are and want to be?

I love you both very much. Please send a plane ticket and money to the local youth hostel, where I’m now staying. I look forward to seeing you soon.

Love,
Your son/daughter