New Year’s Day
* Otherwise known as BITL. It used to be thirty-nine. Then it crept up to forty-two. Now it’s whatever age you can get away with in good lighting.
The Next Day
* But just in case, I will wear a hat.
An Unexpected Guest
* Otherwise known as TL. This is the terrifying fate that awaits you if you don’t get your shit together BITL. It’s the scary monster that keeps you awake at night. Like the bogeyman, only with bad fillers and Botox.
The Baby Shower
* Disclaimer: not all baby showers are awful. I went to one for a work colleague in Upstate New York that was a really lovely celebration; no gifts or games were allowed, but instead we got to make pizzas and wishes for the baby, which we wrote on scraps of paper and threw into the firepit where they were carried as sparks into the future. And yes, I know it all sounds a bit hippy dippy, but it really was as lovely and hippy dippy as it sounds.
* I saw Annabel’s swimsuit selfies on Instagram later. Forgetting my swimsuit was no accident.
Failing
* Just to be clear, this is a metaphor and I’m talking speed not size.
It’s Complicated
* Which is very different from the humblebrag of feeling #blessed.
Not Junk!
* Otherwise known as a bloody, goddam, bona fide, with the only man I’ve been attracted to since Ethan, DATE.
School Sports Day
* Of course she tripped me up, but this is a gratitude list and no place for murderous thoughts.
Be Happy
* Though I confess there was a rather beautiful sunset involved.
Panic and Potential
* Well, maybe sometimes, when I read one of those scary articles, but I think that’s normal (and fully their intention).
The Horrors of Overhead Lighting
* Actually, he can still ghost me, but I won’t know about it, so two negatives make a positive.
Fab Female Friday
* Trust me, this goes much, much further than a no-make-up selfie. Also, I’m using ‘we’ in the royal sense of the word, as maybe it’s just me with the messy, flawed, unfiltered life. And perhaps my twenty-seven listeners (it used to be thirty-two but I seem to have lost five).
The Package
* She made a good point about the chickens.
Life Moves On
* I swear it was the size of a tarantula. Which proves that, of course, mums always know best.
Halloween
* At least, I bloody well hope so.
Bonfire Night
* Though listening to other people’s dreams might come a close second. Sorry, Edward.
Tea and Biscuits
* If you’re wondering, I had four.
Things I’ve Learned from Cricket
* Failing that, tequila.
Frankenstein and Myrrh
* Because of course I did not think of an extremely witty comeback. In fact I thought of no comeback at all, witty or otherwise, but instead exchanged polite pleasantries before excusing myself to the loo. Where of course I thought of loads of brilliant things I should have said, but by then it was too late.
* But who cares. Because more important is that when I saw him I felt nothing. Except perhaps a mild irritation. And the realization that he was wearing mom jeans.
This Year’s Gratitude List (Revised)
* And it doesn’t involve yoga.
* But does involve Edward, who told me to stop worrying about newspaper shoes, as I can always borrow his wellies.
Obituary of a Forty-Something F##k Up
* Correction: Since going to print it has been confirmed that this fuck-up is in fact not dead as first reported, but living her best forty-something fuck-up life. Sincerest apologies to all concerned.