I wake up first in the morning, naked again. Despite Aleksandr saying he wants me for more than sex, we’re diligent about the sex. I nibble my bottom lip as I grab my phone and see the time. Lilah’s sent me no less than ten text messages, asking if I’m coming home, asking why I want to end things with someone, asking what’s going on with me.
Then the worst of all questions.
Is it because I’m with Edmon?
That betrayal still stings. Even though I gave my permission ... a part of me assumed he’d cut and run once shit got real. But he hasn’t. He’s loyal to her, tries for her, and does everything he refused to do for me.
My eyes water as I think about how much I wanted to beg Ed to give me more. I wanted to be perfect for him. I got used to wearing ponytails for him. I got used to so much to please him. And then James went and made me feel good, enjoyed being seen with me ... but only while dancing or having his tongue shoved down my throat or both.
Is that all I’m good for? Some sexy arm candy to make men feel better about themselves? Is sex and sex appeal all I offer them?
Dipping into Aleksandr’s room, I grab the only thing that’s mine, the dress from the first night. I ignore everything he bought me and slide into it.
If I’m here when he wakes up, I won’t leave, but that’s not right either, because I can’t just use him to get over someone else. I won’t. I won’t be that damsel in distress and ...
I cover my mouth to hide the sob that bubbles up, then hurry out of his room. I grab my heels and walk outside into the humid air before calling an Uber. Once I get home, I open the door and look around.
“Lilah?” I go to her room and see the door open and her missing. “Of course, at Ed’s. A place he wouldn’t even talk about with me.”
Dragging myself to the kitchen, I pour myself a screwdriver ... vodka with a splash of orange juice. I drink as much as I can in one go, then drop onto the couch. I stare at the wall.
For months, I’ve been pushing down every bit of pain, and every bit of pity, because my best friend is happy. My best friend and the friends with benefits I had for a year. The man who refused to budge for anything but sex, but even that he controlled.
No touching him during sex. No kissing ever, no genuine conversations, no ... anything. He refused to let me in. A year and I didn’t know him as well as Lilah did after one night. What was so wrong with me?
When I did so much for him? When I was there whenever he wanted. When I turned down every potential date I could have, sure that just one more time together, just a few more drinks together, would get him to be honest with me, to be real, to give us a chance.
Sniffling, I let myself cry.
“Fuck him!” I yell before downing the rest of my drink.
I curl into a ball, pressing my face to my knees.
“Lilah’s not the problem,” I tell myself. “She deserves to be happy but why ... why him?”
Couldn’t he just run off to some other corner of Miami? Couldn’t he just not look our way? Couldn’t I just have one thing, one person in my life that wasn’t ruined by him?
I’m not relationship material.
I’m not good enough to be a girlfriend–no boy since high school had ever used that word with me.
Why do I keep settling for the wrong people or the people that are just there? Did something get messed up in my wiring?
After two more screwdrivers, I try to stand, determined to go on a run, to shower, to something, but end up stumbling back into the couch. Rolling over, I cry, letting myself have a pity party of one while Lilah’s gone.
When the door opens, I get up and run to my room, changing into sweats and a tank top before Lilah walks in. She takes one look at my face and steps forward. I step back. She bites her bottom lip, looking as lost as I feel.
“It is because of Edmon,” she whispers.
I sit on my bed and look out the window instead of at her. The bed dips and she hugs my back. “I’m so sorry, Stephanie. I know how much you wanted him. I know ... I know how hard it was for you.”
I sniff as my eyes water. “I wasn’t enough and you are.”
“Shut up. You’re more than enough,” she says.
“Then why didn’t he give me any more than sex? Why am I only the right person to fuck? The right person for a short time before the real deal comes along? I’m just a fucking ... experience, not even a person and I don’t know if it’s me or them, but if I say it’s Ed, that will hurt you. If I say it’s me. I don’t know how to fix it. I just...”
Lilah holds me as I cry. I get snotty and gross, but she never lets go, even when the sobs ebb. “I love you, Stephanie. You’re the best friend anyone could ask for and I’m so sorry that I keep asking you to be around him. I want to be with you, too.”
“I know.”
“And I’m greedy. I’ve been insensitive and terrible to your feelings. I thought you’d moved on after James and I thought it would be okay for you to see him again,” she says exhaling. “I was wrong and I should have paid more attention.”
“You’re not my parent,” I grumble.
“What can I do to help? Do you want me to listen or...”
The words are on my tongue. I want to be selfish and ask her to end things with Ed. I want him out of my life and out of hers. I don’t want to deal with his judgmental self. I don’t want to think about how he talks about me when I’m not around. I don’t want to keep being reminded of the year I wasted with him, of every bit of hurt I felt over that year after the orgasms. I don’t want to think about everything I gave up betting on the wrong man, always expecting him to do the right thing.
I lift my head and look at Lilah. She lights up around him, sees the best in him, and she’s become so much stronger, so much more herself with him.
No matter how terrible he makes me feel, he’s good for her.
“I don’t know what I want,” I whisper. “Except some kind of potion to forget my time with him, something that will make me be ... relationship material, not just a slut.”
“You’re not a slut.”
I scoff.
“You’re not,” Lilah insists. “You give yourself fully. I wish I could do that. You’re passionate and spontaneous, you feel so deeply ... I just wish you didn’t feel hurt like this.”
I shrug. “I don’t know what to do or think.”
“How about we just talk then, hmm?” she asks, wiping my eyes. “You were gone all weekend. I didn’t even see you leave the party.”
“I was with a guy,” I almost snort as I say it. My lips tremble. “It’s always a guy, isn’t it?”
“Not always. Remember when you went all the way to St. Pete to fix up that Dahli piece? You were there an entire week,” she says.
“We spent the whole time together. We went out, did things, he took me shopping, we swam in the intercostal, and went to the Everglades for a day. Had sex ... a lot.”
Lilah smiles. “It sounds like you had a weekend-long date.”
“I tried to make him breakfast and burned the bacon,” I admit.
“You never cook.”
“Well, I tried! He’s older, and I didn’t want him to see me as some silly young girl who’s only good for ...” I trail off, playing with my hair. I know Lilah will just tell me I’m wrong. I take a slow breath. “Anyway, he said he wanted more, but I don’t know if I can give more. I mean, look at my dating history. Look at all my shit.”
“Then let’s go out tonight, hmm? Unless you have work to do.”
“It’s a Monday.”
“We can find something, I’m sure.”
I narrow my eyes. “Is Ed involved in this plan?”
“We could go to his club, but I’ll tell him it’s girl’s night. We need one.”
“Just us, no guys.”
“No guys at all. I’ll even invite another female friend who’s taken. You’ll like Sienna. She’s fiery like you. She can bring her bestie and we’ll all just enjoy karaoke some place or ... whatever. Just us. No guys at all,” she says, insisting.
I manage a smile, and we do just that. I meet Sienna, the woman who announced her engagement at the event on Friday, and her best friend, Lindsey. They’re bubbly and don’t talk about relationships at all. It’s just us getting to know each other while listening to some of the worst Karaoke I’ve ever heard.
Being around such strong women makes me feel better. I smile, feel good, then Lindsey sighs.
“What is it?” Sienna asks.
“My boyfriend ended things. He said he wanted a chance at someone he’s had his eyes on,” she says. “I know, no guy talk, but it’s eating at me.”
“It’s okay,” I say. “I know how much that sucks. Not entirely, but ... enough.”
“Feeling like a placeholder sucks.”
Lilah looks down, and I squeeze her hand. “It does. A lot. But maybe it’s better since now neither of us has to be everything for someone who wants someone else.”
Lindsey smiles. “I like that outlook.”
We move on that easily, but Lilah keeps my hand. I know Ed wasn’t with me trying to get to her, considering I never talked about her, but I kept repeating what I said in my head. If Ed loves Lilah and they were meant to be, he would have fallen into her either way. I know that. It’s rational.
Just like me ignoring Aleksandr’s texts right now because this is a no-boy zone and we need some space. I can’t just trip over myself falling for him. I won’t this time. I won’t dump all my baggage at his feet and expect him to just accept it and until I’m better, stronger, I can’t avoid doing that.
Which means we need time.
Lilah and I go home, and she looks at her phone. She ignores it for a second. “Did you have fun tonight?”
“Yes. Thank you.”
“I’m sorry about what ... Lindsey said,” she murmurs.
“That wasn’t about you,” I promise. “I know that. I wish Ed would have liked me enough, but ... he didn’t.”
“Steph-”
“And he doesn’t enjoy seeing me now. No more than I enjoy seeing him.”
“That’s not true!” Lilah argues. “He doesn’t have any bad feelings toward you at all.”
“Lilah, I’m the reason that you didn’t say yes to him right away. I’m still the issue between you guys. So ... when you see him, I need you to not invite me. Or try not to. If he shows up or something, I’ll be kind, but I need time.”
Lilah considers that and then hugs me. “Thank you for telling me.”
“I just need time,” I say, feeling like I’m on repeat. “Time.”