Chapter 10

Monday

Well-Being, Friends, Family

Scary Doctor’s Visits

For many women who have had a serious illness or who fear they are about to discover something is seriously amiss with their health, going to the doctor can be not only anxiety provoking but also downright scary.

The normal and predictable stress is bound to prevent you from hearing and processing everything that goes on in the office. If you do find out that you have a health concern, you may shut down after the initial shock and miss much of what is said as a follow-up.

Don’t Go Alone. Always take another person with you. Her job is to listen and take careful and complete notes about what is said and what is recommended. Names of medications or treatment options need to be spelled out, and anything that is confusing needs to be clarified. It is not at all 100 percent certain that you will get all the information if you bring one person with you, but the chances of getting clearer information is increased.
Bring Written Questions…to ask the doctor, nurse-practitioner, or administrator depending on what you need to know and whose expertise you need to tap.
The Time Is Yours. Remember you are the patient. Be prepared to ask the doctor to slow down and explain the issues in different ways until you genuinely “get it.” If you feel you’re being condescended to, rushed, or anything like that, be prepared to say so politely. Pay attention to the response the doctor gives you. If it does not feel right, leave and make an appointment with another doctor (no matter how highly recommended this one is). There’s always another doctor who may be a better fit for you and more than competent.

You Are a Partner…in your treatment and care. You need to feel comfortable and confident with your medical professionals. You the patient and your health care providers are a team. Strategize with them and seek to win your body back to health.

Before you are a patient, you are a person. After you become a patient, you remain a person.

Tuesday

Parent

Considering Divorce with Children

Are you contemplating divorce? Maybe you have been thinking about it for a long time but can’t take the necessary steps because you have a family. This is not a snap decision. Make sure you’ve tried everything possible to restore and rebuild your marriage so guilt doesn’t linger. Making efforts to save the marriage will never be wasted even if divorce is imminent.

Be available to your children to help them deal with the effects of the dissolution of their family and the building of a new one. You may no longer have to be married to this person, but you are connected for the long run because of the children.

It is important to note that if you are experiencing abuse in any form or there is a substance abuse problem that keeps getting worse, make sure you are safe and seek counseling. Keep your and your children’s well-being above all.

Explore Your Alternatives. Traditionally, couples litigated their divorce in court. But today many people end their marriage through mediation or a collaborative process. These alternatives may decrease courtroom time and focus on ending the marriage instead of dividing the family. Know your options and seek a professional who recognizes the importance of maintaining positive family relationships.

Get Good Financial Advice…and set up workable contingency plans for your own and your children’s future.

Protect the Children. Keep your disagreements away from the children. Do not use your children as your confidants or counselors; this is what paid professionals, family members, and friends are for. You are to be there for your children and let them know that you will get through this as a family.

Do what you need to do to keep yourself whole during a divorce. Really focus on what’s best for you and the children instead of what’s going on with your soon-to-be ex-spouse.

Wednesday

Friends, Family

Gossip

Gossip damages the person who is being gossiped about and also reflects badly on the person who is gossiping. Comments shared by other people are often misconstrued, and the tale can grow out of proportion as it goes down the line, much like what happened when you played the telephone game as a child.

The bottom line is that gossip hurts. Save your sanity by keeping your focus on more important matters and getting away from negativity.

Go to the Source. If you know something about someone and it can cause trouble, better to go to that person with your concern rather than spread information.
People Don’t Like Gossip. Assume that the person about whom you are speaking would prefer that you not share the news, unless he told you it was OK. Also assume that people don’t want to hear about other people’s business (and if they do, you don’t have to be the messenger).
People Don’t Like Gossipers. If you talk about others, people will assume that you are also talking about them. Build people’s trust by refraining from spreading gossip.

When you are inclined to gossip, just hold your tongue.

Thursday

Partner

Recovering from an Emotional Affair

Emotional cheating is about forming meaningful attachments with a person other than your partner in ways that prevent your partner from having that deep emotional intimacy with you.

You know how damaging emotional cheating can be because it is all about connection. Feeling emotionally distant from your partner who doesn’t appreciate you makes you more vulnerable to becoming emotionally attached to an idealized “friend,” especially if this friend is someone who empathizes with your stress, “speaks the same language,” and is always there with a supportive ear. He makes you feel terrific.

But when this “friend” gets in the way of your closeness with your partner, that is the time to deal directly with what’s going on (or not going on) within each of you and between you.

Confess. If you have given your heart to someone else and prevented your partner from sharing what is essential to who you are and what is important to you, you need to ’fess up that you went beyond the limits of trust. Change the dynamic of the “friend” relationship so you can once again focus on your partner. Avoid discussing such personal details of your life and save them for your partner.

What Do You Want with Your Partner? Quietly sit and imagine in your mind’s eye the relationship you want to have with your partner. See yourself telling your partner something you shared with your “friend.” Also, try to discuss with your partner what you were looking for, getting, and missed in your relationship.

Work Things Out. Recognize and be clear that you are still committed and attached to your partner and that you will discuss with him or her difficulties you have in your relationship and work on them together.

Get Close Again. Find ways to share your feelings, goals, and dreams with your partner. Pay attention to your appearance; go out; find time to be intimate, erotic, whatever works for you to keep your love exciting and enticing.

Friendship, casual flirting, having fun with someone other than your partner is not necessarily a threat to your relationship. Becoming emotionally involved, sharing secrets that you would not share with your partner, and keeping yourself from being “known” can jeopardize your primary relationship.

Friday

Family

Vacationing with Your Family Without Others

There are many people who would do anything to have their parents or in-laws offer to take them on a vacation so that the whole family can be together. You, however, are not among them.

Even though you love your parents and in-laws, you really need time to just hang out and relax with your partner, if you have one, and your kids. Saving your sanity while keeping the lid on the well-being of your extended family is a challenge.

Focus on Your Vacation. Visualize your time with your family and focus on the kind of experience you want to have. Is it a camping trip in the great outdoors? An opportunity to try every theme park in the state in the shortest amount of time? Traveling in a camper with your kids? Renting a house in the mountains and hanging around without any appointments, obligations, TV, or cell phones?

Make Yourself (and Your Family) Happy. Tell yourself that you have the right to spend time with your family, and if your parents or in-laws are unhappy about that, you can deal with it. Living with a bit of guilt will not destroy you.

Open Up to Creative Solutions. If you live far away from your folks and the only time they can see you and your children is this particular time, discuss viable alternatives. Split your time and spend some of it with them and part of it on your own, or create another time when you can extend a holiday weekend and visit together.

Sometimes It’s Just “No, Thank You.” If you live near your parents and they see you and your children frequently, then the issue is about having time together in a vacation atmosphere. If this does not work for you, thank them for their generosity and arrange to have some special time together closer to home.

Vacations are all about enjoying your time away from home, and you want to return having come close to reaching your goal.

Weekend

Well-Being

Relax to Create

You know you are creative, but brainstorms have not been coming to you lately. Rushing around at breakneck speed, you’re wondering what happened to the creative juices. Are they all dried up?

With their challenging schedules and driving desire to fill each moment, it is common for many people to keep the clock running—and never turn it off. How do you keep your sanity while keeping your creativity alive?

Get Down Time. For creativity to flourish, you need to take time off from work every day. That means turning off, tuning out, and recharging your battery by resting, relaxing, and leaving space in your head and in your life.

Be in a Restorative Place. Creativity researchers refer to the magic trio of “bed, bath, and bus” as necessary for restoration of your creativity. When you are in any of those three environments, you are either sleeping, relaxing and letting your cares float away, or allowing yourself to be taken from one place to another. You are not doing anything, just being.

Find a Free Flow. Creativity begins in a space that is free to grow, to associate, to “move.” It needs to be nurtured in an environment that respects the process and cycle of work, rest, renewal.