Chapter 12

Monday

Parent, Family, Community, Friends

Prepare to Move with the Kids

All kids have feelings about moving to a new place that may or may not be consistent with yours. They may not want to leave their friends, their school, their neighborhood, and they may feel as if they have not had a say in the decision (often they don’t).

Keeping your sanity while you yourself adjust to the idea of moving and help your children get through the change takes planning and attention.

Do Your Research. Find out as much as you can about the town you are moving to and gather information, such as chamber of commerce materials and relocation packets, about child-oriented activities and programs that reflect your children’s interests.
Become Familiar with Your New Settings. If you can, visit the place and see the house, the street, the neighborhood, the school, community center, and synagogue or church you will become affiliated with. Have the children take photos of their rooms and places in their new town to bring home and show their friends. If you cannot go in person, use online photos as much as possible to create a feeling of being there.
Throw a Party. Plan a going-away party with the kids, neighbors, and their friends. Take lots of pictures and gather a list of e-mail and home addresses and phone numbers. At the party, circulate a journal and let everyone write a going-away message to your child. Have it on hand as soon as you arrive at the new house and whenever anyone has the homesick blues.

Even though you know the move will be good for your family, allow your children to have and express whatever feelings they have related to the shift in their life.

Tuesday

Well-Being

Firing a Professional

You know the situation. You have been there. Your attorney no longer seems to be able to truly be your advocate. Your conversations are punctuated with sighs that sound awfully like someone who is fed up or not on your team. Or you have seen a marriage counselor for a few months and wonder why you consistently leave the office feeling as if you are not at all heard and your position is not as legitimate as your partner’s. Your hairdresser whom you have seen for years just doesn’t get the cut right. Each time you talk to her, she tells you she knows best what looks good on you.

It is time to find someone who responds to what you need. Firing a professional who may have seen you through hard times can be intimidating.

Review History. Have they been consistently responsive and just lately have fallen off?

Are You Realistic? If you feel that you are not being treated well, that you are being railroaded on specific issues, or that you seem to get little first-rate attention, then it is likely time to address this relationship or move on.

Muster Courage to Speak Up. Consider if it is worth talking with the professional about your disappointment and diminishing expectations regarding his responsiveness to you as a client. When you share your perceptions, do so in a measured and sensible way. State what your expectations were and your disappointment that they are not being addressed. Ask for time to discuss whether you will be working together in the future. Be very clear about the purpose of the conversation or meeting.

Pay Up. If you do fire the person, pay your outstanding bill for services rendered. If the services provided (or not) were not up to par, talk about the bill and see if adjustments can be made. Don’t stiff someone just because you are not satisfied.

Work with someone who hears and respects you and helps you accomplish your goals.

Wednesday

Work, Midlife, Friends, Family, Partner

When Is It Time to Retire?

Today people are deciding to retire at different times and for different reasons. If they can, many are opting to retire early in the forties to pursue other interests. You may feel energized by your job and want to stay as long as you are productive and challenged, or you may be one of the shall-I-retire? folks who keep delaying retirement because they may need to earn a living, or they just don’t have the energy to move, until they become stale at their jobs, clinging to the only life they know.

When is retirement right for you? Making that decision at the right time can certainly save your sanity.

Reach Out and Explore. Lots of research goes into this decision. If you are a person whose sense of self-worth primarily depends on your identity at work, begin to reach out to discover what kinds of experiences you can have in your retirement that will be fulfilling. It may take time, but it is up to you to become open to different possibilities.

Let People Know. Talk openly about your idea to retire. What do your friends, family and fellow office buddies think? When you bounce the idea off them do they wholeheartedly support and encourage you? Or does their reaction have echoes of “This is premature” or “What are you going to do with yourself?” Sometimes people in your life see things objectively, but it’s up to you to weed out their sincerity from their judgments.

Have an Exit Strategy. Maybe retirement is best when a certain project is complete or when your daughter has twins. And after you retire, what will every day look like? Have a plan, even if it’s not well hashed out yet. Don’t forget to mark the event with some sort of “rite of passage.” A meal with colleagues, visiting individually with your coworkers, or a “retirement” cake and coffee hour. Have some idea of what you might be doing after you retire and a way for people to remain in touch.

When you begin to feel uneasy about your work, which has been your anchor for so many years, recognize that as a sign of change and focus on opportunities you would like to explore.

Thursday

Partner

New Rules of Engagement and Intimacy

Many women say that they crave a successful, adult relationship that is intimate. Yet, when they are involved with someone, they behave in ways that brilliantly and perfectly undermine their desire.

What’s going on? If this scenario sounds familiar to you, ask yourself if you believe that “the more one gives, the more one receives.” Give to someone who appreciates you and whom you appreciate, love, and respect. If you do, chances are you can save your sanity by welcoming intimacy into your life.

Listen to Your Mate’s Desire. When you engage the people you love, emphatically, from your heart and soul, it is possible to listen to your mate’s desire for a relationship (or anything, for that matter). Help your partner understand and feel unafraid in pursuing anything and everything with you.
Respect Boundaries…of your loved one. Don’t try to act as if you know better what someone else needs or wants. Listen and respond from a neutral, nonjudgmental position.
Open Your Ears, Eyes, and Heart…to the other person’s experiences, fears, hopes. Let this be “their” time, and establish the reality that there will be, later, a time for you to do the same.

Pay close attention to what your partner needs and wants as you develop intimacy together.

Friday

Family, Friends, Well-Being

When Fido Is Failing

That wagging tail, cute-as-can-be face, purr, hiss, neigh, or squeaky sound of the gerbil wheel is what you love to come home to every day. Your pet is there for you to enjoy no matter what mood you’re in or what happened that day. In fact, you rely on your pet for unconditional love.

So when your pet is ill, you’ll have lots of emotions. This will throw you off center as it touches your heart, as well as your pocketbook. If the care is costly, how much of your time, energy, and money are you willing and able to invest?

Saving your sanity while your pet is going through treatments will depend in large part on the support you have around you.

Find a Cocaregiver…someone you trust who loves your pet. He can house-sit when you’re away and be on backup when you are unable to go to the vet.

Take Care of Yourself, Too. You are now a caregiver, so take care of yourself. Spend as much time as you can with your pet to give and get comfort. If you can, leave from time to time so you can get out. Realize that you and your pet will be OK. You may have to decide that you can no longer continue the animal’s life. Get lots of support.

Be with Other Pet Lovers. When your pet is the source of sadness, you need to get strength from others. Friends who appreciate the person-pet connection will be a great support. Refrain from sharing with people who don’t have an affinity for animals.

Your decisions about what you do for your pet are your business. Don’t leave yourself vulnerable to others’ judgments as you care for and love your pet.

Weekend

Well-Being

Be at the Ready

What do you love to do? Paint, garden, knit, or scrapbook? So why are you not in the middle of a masterpiece, planting bulbs for spring tulips, making a sweater, or commemorating your vacation?

When you discover what it is you like to do, be sure you have all the supplies available so you are not spending a lot of time looking for the “ingredients.” Keep your easel, knitting bag, gardening tools, and glue and scissors at the ready and easily accessible. Then indulge yourself in pleasure when it’s a good time and save your sanity with your passion.

Have a Beginning, Middle, and End. It is important to differentiate your pleasure time from the rest of what you do. This is for your soul enhancement, and you are giving yourself permission to do it. So start when it’s a good time and know that in an hour, or by dinnertime, you will stop for the day.

Do It with Intention and Focus. Recognize that right now is a good time to do some weeding. Yes, you have some phone calls to make but you have not done anything special for yourself and you know you feel better after having been in the garden, even for a few minutes. Separate the rest of the day from what you are about to do right now.

Feel Accomplished. When you finish, recognize not what you have yet to do (the rest of the garden) but what you did accomplish. Projects will be ongoing. Recognize and get the benefit of whatever you have done today.