Chapter 14

Monday

Parent, Family, Community

Teaching Kids Manners by Being Polite

In our rushed world, polite behavior is becoming the exception rather than the norm. According to a recent Associated Press–Ipsos Poll, people are ruder today than they were twenty-plus years ago. Parents are finding they have less and less time to teach basic character issues to their children, and manners are going by the wayside.

So how can we change this trend and get our kids back on track to being polite and respectful? The answer first lies in ourselves. As parents, adults, mentors, and guides, we need to model courteous behavior to others and to our children for lending a helping hand at home or for a job well done.

When they see you showing mutual respect to them as well as to others, your children will be more likely to behave respectfully and feel valued in the process.

Public Places Are Public. Clean up and throw away cups and wrappers in movie theaters, toss newspapers in recycle bins at the train station, and pick up after your pet. And private conversations are just that—private. Find a quiet place to return cell phone calls and text messages and to discipline your children.
Respect Others. Our seniors are a wealth of wisdom from a lifetime of experiences, and we are wise to honor their presence. Give help to the ill or distressed. Offer your seat (or the seat filled with your packages) to someone who looks like he or she could use it no matter what that person’s age.

Learn Polite Listening. Listen with attentiveness and avoid interrupting. Stop typing, take off headphones, turn off the TV, and put down the video game or PDA when talking or listening to someone. Interact and be present instead of tuning out.

Go Back to Kindergarten. Mom, Dad and our teachers taught us the fundamentals that help us every day. Do you say, “Yes, please” and “No, thank you” or drop the courtesies? By saying hello when entering a room or meeting someone, and good-bye when leaving, you acknowledge others’ presence and show that you value them. Holding a door for someone behind you and waiting in line at the movies instead of cutting in are the basics. Say thank you with a simple note. Let’s acknowledge even the little things that people do.

Paying attention to our own courteous behavior will become part of the legacy we give our children.

Tuesday

Work, Friends

Friendly Business

Some of the best friendships maintain themselves and deepen when friends go into business together. And some don’t.

Before you put the “Open for Business” sign on the door, consider if your personalities are compatible for a business relationship. Also consider each person’s areas of strengths and limitations, family and other life obligations, work ethic, business practices, and expectations. Many of the best friend-business partnerships have succeeded when each has a unique skill and their combined efforts make the perfect team.

Keep in mind that faults you overlook in friendship may be just the ones that can do you in as business partners. Someone who is chronically late will not be reliable to open the early morning doors of your new establishment. A short temper won’t serve your business well if you are dealing with customer service issues. Not wanting to pitch in and get your hands dirty won’t serve you well as you are building yourselves up. You want to be as sure as you can that both the friendship and the business flourish.

Get Clear on Who Does What. Focus on each other’s strengths and maximize abilities. Be honest about who is going to do what and why. Have realistic expectations for and about each other’s contributions regarding creative input, work hours, finances, problem solving, decision making, etc. Write everything down and draw up a partnership agreement with a lawyer.

Keep the Friendship Going. Plan to engage in some of the same friendship activities you always did before you started your business and develop new activities outside the office.

Leave the Scale at Home. If you find you are carrying more weight than you feel is fair, instead of becoming resentful and calling in others to “take your side” or complain about your partner, discuss with her what is going on and how long this imbalance is expected to continue. As a general rule try to stay away from the scorekeeper’s card.

Going into and maintaining a business with a friend is more complicated than the friendship itself. Pay attention to the needs of both.

Wednesday

Well-Being

Shopaholic

You love to shop. No matter what is going on in your life, you feel better when you’re in the mall or at a boutique. Just buying something new can lift your spirits.

That’s a feeling lots of people share. But you may find yourself going on buying binges when you feel lonely, sad, depressed, or upset. After the binge you feel better, but soon afterward you feel guilty, ashamed, and anxious. You purchased more than you want or need, and you’re embarrassed over your lack of control. How can you keep your sanity when you have these feelings that make you wonder if you are a shopaholic?

Trying to Fill a Void? Pay attention to what you buy, when you buy, and whether you feel good during and after you buy. It is possible that you are trying to make up with purchases for some emptiness you feel inside. That just won’t work.

Are You Denying? Avoiding consequences of your purchases by not opening bills, hiding purchases from friends or family members, or lying about how you came to own these items can indicate a shopping problem.

Listen…to what you really need. Know that you can change your perception of what buying can do for you. This is really a self-esteem and anxiety issue, which you can explore. Tune in to what’s going on inside.

If you believe you are a shopaholic, talk with someone who can help you deal with the feelings of emptiness in healthful and productive ways.

Thursday

Parent, Community

Advocate, Don’t Alienate

Your child needs some extra help at school—some support. And the school personnel are neither on top of it nor behind you. You know the answer to the question, “If you are not there for your child, who is?” And you are doing your best to be there.

At this point in your child’s life, she is just too young to advocate for herself. It is up to you. Unless you do a good job securing the services she needs, your child’s school experience is going to be less than optimal. “Working the system” requires patience, determination, a folder of very complete notes on who said what to whom and when, a dose of charm, and a lot of sanity.

You’re the One. You know your child better than anyone else. Present your child to the professionals with all her strengths, as well as the areas in which she needs support. Let them know how their involvement can have an overwhelmingly positive impact on your child.

Find at Least One Professional Ally. Designate someone in the school system as your point person and keep in touch with him on a regular basis to monitor the progress of your request or the services required. Call or e-mail when you know it’s best for him and give him reasonable time to respond. If the communication lags, keep on him. There is a fine line between being aware, involved, and persistent, and being perceived as a pest.

Lead with Empathy. Understand that there’s lots of red tape to deal with and that some cases fall through the cracks. You want to be sure your child’s need does not, so make requests and avoid demands. Offer to help in any way you can to make the system work in your favor. Try this route instead of becoming adversarial.

You are your child’s advocate and can work in concert with the school system to achieve your (and its) goals. Persistence is the key.

Friday

Single, Midlife

Dating Again

Dating again after some time off—like a twenty-year marriage—is not like riding a bicycle. You can’t just get back on and go; you have to learn it all over again because you’re in a different stage of life.

When you were younger, there were no kids, ex-spouses, health concerns, work stressors, travel agendas, visitation schedules, home repairs, or aging parents to think about. How do you do this dating thing now when you have a body that has birthed three kids, crow’s-feet, and sagging parts, not to mention a hectic life?

Work on Self-Image. Do you feel good about you? Your physical appearance, accomplishments, the way you conduct your relationships? Can you work on a few things? Is it time to get healthy, move forward in your career, have more patience with your teens, and update your look so you’re not stuck in the nineties?

Can You Calendar It In? You’re busy, it’s true. Life is full. But Saturday nights can’t be bustling. Dating takes some energy and focus, so free up some time. Should you join an interest group, go on blind dates, sign up for online dating or join a singles group? Start a dating plan of attack.

Work on the Law of Attraction. What qualities does this person have to have? Date only someone with your must-have values. Instead of requiring a certain income bracket, what you really value is financial security and someone who doesn’t overspend (unless, of course, it’s to send you flowers). Make adjustments if your list does not attract the right people. Date those you might not have considered before.

Dating at midlife takes a bit of courage and willingness to look at yourself, make changes within, and be open to all possibilities.

Weekend

Midlife, Single, Family

Writing an Ethical Will

You are midway through your life and have learned a lot. Hopefully you have a will. But have you considered writing an ethical will? Ethical wills convey your values. They can be an effective way to transmit your personal thoughts about what is important to you, what you have learned from life, and what you wish for when you are no longer here.

You can write about specific incidents that were never discussed or resolved, offer blessings, or express forgiveness to those whom you were unable to reach out to during your lifetime. Even if you are childless, this is a caring way to teach future generations in your family and community about what is meaningful to you.

Say What’s in Your Heart. Some people want their ethical wills to be private, only to be seen by individual family members in the form of a letter, audiotape or videotape, while others hope to have it read to the whole family or community. Your ethical will is your personal reflection, so communicate to whom you wish from your heart.

Say It with Depth. Write about your feelings and things that are emotionally significant in your life. Writing about a difficult period of your life or a time when you were faced with a troubling decision gives your ethical will significance and transmits the benefits you received from having survived the trauma.

Say It for Others. Your writing will also pass on life lessons you learned to the ones who come after you. It has the potential to last for generations. This is part of your legacy. Those who read it will know you the way you know yourself.