Week 15

Monday

Midlife

Roommates at Midlife

You’ve decided to move in with a friend to share expenses and companionship. Typically only young singles would do this, but today more and more midlife women are sharing households and giving each other support.

As two complete women, you certainly want to honor each other’s individuality and respect each other’s lives. Try not to be two hens competing for the same nest, but have ways to live comfortably together.

• We All Need Our Personal Space. Plan personal time when you’re all alone in your place or have lunch out with another friend when there’s too much togetherness. If her family comes over for dinner and you don’t want to hear the “old stories” again, plan a night out at the movies. Find ways not to offend if you bow out by having the understanding that you both need time apart. A shared cup of tea works wonders before you close the door and escape with a good book.
• Communicate, Listen and Learn. When quirky habits get to be big irritants, discussing them in a nonconfrontational way as they arise can nip the problem in the bud. Remember to listen and learn how you can both be more considerate of each other. Try and let go of the “little” annoying habits that truly are little and focus on the real button pushers. We all know by now that you can’t change someone, so accept what you can.
• Use the Team Approach with Chores. Sticking to a structured routine with household chores can become mundane. By pitching in and lending a hand even when it’s not your territory, you show your roommate that you are a team player.

You can make a home at any age.

Tuesday

Well-Being, Partner

Too Much TV

You are addicted to television. There are hours and hours of television to watch because you tape or TiVo all your favorite shows and you don’t want to get behind.

It isn’t all that hard to realize why you and your partner rarely talk about anything important anymore and your sex life is dwindling. Your sanity needs saving to get you out of the vicious cycle of watching TV, falling asleep, waking up, going to work, and coming home again to watch TV.

• Non-TV Nights. Put some limits on TV watching by going without your clicker one or two nights each week. Use that time to connect intellectually, emotionally, and physically.
• Shake Things Up. Do something different to turn your evening plan around. When you arrive home from work, have a romantic dinner and make love. Then, in your robes, make some tea and watch an hour of your TV shows together, cuddled on the couch.
• Give the Taping a Rest. Unless a program is a “must see,” view shows only when scheduled on TV. This will cut down on your to-view list.

You need to manage TV so it does not interfere with your ability to spend quality time together to talk, relax, and have a meaningful sexual relationship.

Wednesday

Friends, Family

Helping People Who Are Ungrateful

It is rare when helping someone is not a good thing. In fact, most of the time, people you help appreciate what you do for them, and you feel good about having the opportunity to be of assistance. There are so many people in your community and in the larger world who can use your help and who will benefit from what you can offer.

So if you find you are in a position of helping someone who is ungrateful and quite possibly undeserving, think twice about what you are doing. Have you given to this person before and felt drained and underappreciated? Have they had several opportunities to recognize your efforts but instead criticize anything you do for them?

• Limit Your Assistance. There are some situations when you are “obliged” to help (caring for parents, for instance) but even then, you can limit the way and kind of assistance you offer. We do not help in order to be appreciated, yet it is important to realize whether you are hanging in there waiting to be appreciated in a way that is not likely to happen. Perhaps this person is taking you for granted or taking advantage of you, your good nature, or your generosity. Recognize that you have choices regarding how and with whom to offer your help.
• Give with No Return. Try to understand why a person is unable to be responsive or receptive or grateful to you or for your effort. Lower your expectations, and before you do anything more for him, know that there will be nothing in return.

Place yourself wisely. There is only so much of you to go around.

Thursday

Parent, Family, Friends, Community

Death of a Child

Having a child die is most parents’ greatest fear. When it happens, you feel as if part of yourself has died and you will never be the same. Both are correct.

How you recover depends on many factors, including your attitude about life in general and your life in particular, your relationship with your child, the circumstances surrounding the death of your child, your belief system, your support system, and time.

• How to Tell. People in your life will want to console you and often want to know the details. But you may feel drained each time you go over the story. Certainly, sharing the particulars of what happened can be helpful, but consider, in a quiet moment, writing what happened and sending this recounting to your friends and family in the form of a letter. The result is that everyone has the same information and you can conserve your energy and spirit.
• “Natural” Healing. Surround yourself with fragrances and aromatherapy that can help you with the intense feelings of grief. Flower remedies, such as Rescue Remedy, honeysuckle, bleeding heart, and borage, can be helpful at times of intense grieving (and other times as well.) Often people take medication to ease their pain, and for some this is helpful. Very often, though, people can stay drugged for longer than necessary. Incorporate a natural approach.
• Contact a Compassionate Friends Group…near you or visit them online. Their mission is to connect and comfort those who are grieving, and they know how to console those dealing with the loss of a child (unique from all other losses). Other parents whose children have died can relate to you in ways that nobody else can.
• In Remembrance. Consider having a memorial service at some point as a tribute to your child. You may wish to establish a fund in his or her memory, or dedicate a park bench, swing set, books, or reading space in a library.

You can keep your children’s spirit alive and with you as you think of them, talk about them, and remember the way they touched your life.

Friday

Partner, Single, Friends

Surviving Being Dumped

Being dumped is the pits. You think about the relationship backward and forward, analyzing interactions, conversations, sex, family life, and everything else. You feel you are a terrible person and blame the breakup on yourself. If you had only behaved differently, you would still have the relationship intact. You’re left with terrible sadness and hopelessness.

But you can have hope, and you will prevail. First and foremost, take care of yourself; allow yourself the time to heal. And only be with people who support you at this time. As you go forward, to keep your sanity:

• Put a Cap on It. Take some time to get yourself together. Allow yourself to think about this person only during a specific time every day, say between seven and eight P.M. That means you cannot talk about it at other times and must force yourself to do other things when you are out of the focus-on-the-breakup zone. If you are thinking and obsessing when it’s not the time, put it off till tomorrow.
• Write from Your Heart. Keep a journal of how you feel, what you think, and how you perceive both the future and the past.
• Act “As If.” This approach works wonders. Act as if you are further along than you are. Focus on the knowledge that, given time, you’ll be able to look back on your experience and take important lessons from it. Tell yourself that you will learn from this experience and that your life will be changed for the better. Know in your heart that this is true.
• Be Open. Learn what you could have done differently and what your ex-partner could have done differently, so you can use that information to help you with future relationships. Tell yourself you are a good person to have a relationship with and get yourself back in the game of life when you are ready.
• Don’t Hide. Time flies by and you have no idea where it goes. So get out there and be a part of life. Check in with your friends frequently. If they think you have been carrying this too far, listen to them and give yourself a timeline to stick to before you allow yourself to begin to feel better.

Trust that you will not only survive but thrive and that being dumped, although hurtful to your ego and your heart, will not destroy you.

Weekend

Community, Work, Well-Being

Step Through the Volunteer Door and Walk Back into the Work World

If you are a stay-at-home mom and thinking about getting back to your career or something new, consider volunteering. Think about what your past experience is and what you want to do going forward.

Your place of worship or town charities may or may not be the venue that places you back in the professional setting you yearn for. Seek out places where you can give your time and save your sanity by piquing your interests and helping you learn something new for the future.

• Come to Terms. Do you want to take a volunteer position similar to a job you left many years ago? If you believe that volunteering in a capacity that you had previously received a salary for seems insulting, think again. On the other hand, if you want to explore different work opportunities, realize that you may be low woman on the totem pole at your volunteer job, but starting on that learning curve is your first step to moving forward.
• Gain a Renewed Familiarity…with many facets of the work world that evolved while you were involved with raising your children. And you’ll have the flexibility to call meetings and do work when it is convenient for you. Regain your confidence as you rise through the ranks and take on positions that use your skills and exhibit leadership.
• Make New Contacts. Establish relationships in a field you already knew or are beginning to know. One of these could help you in the future.

You never know what gratification and connections can come from volunteer positions that use your professional skills. Seek a position of responsibility that helps to remind you of your professional self!