Week 16

Monday

Well-Being

Hypochondria? It Makes Me Sick

For many people, focusing on, and complaining about, their health is a full-time job.

These are people for whom taking care of themselves—eating right, exercising, pampering, making scads of doctor’s appointments—is all that matters. To them and to you. Or didn’t you notice?

While these people (we call them hypochondriacs) are often intelligent and well read on medical issues, they can’t fathom that a headache isn’t the onset of a brain tumor, or that mild thirst isn’t the beginning of debilitating diabetes. A strain in the chest while playing tennis? Heart attack, of course. Razor burn? Cancer, clearly.

Perhaps this behavior describes you. If so, ask yourself if your intense concern about your health is rooted in a recent illness, or an episode with a loved one. (Many relatives of a recently ill or deceased person become morbidly concerned with diagnosis, treatment, and cures.) If you have exaggerated health anxiety, you probably know that it is becoming increasingly difficult to function. Here’s the road to a cure.

• Accept Your Imbalance. The feelings of distress you have are real and must be addressed. You can reduce your anxiety, but you must accept it fully in order to erase it.
• Seek Counsel. Cognitive-behavioral treatments (often with medication) seem to work well for most people who have hypochondria and are willing to engage a mental health professional to help them along their path.
• Tell Your Doc Your Fears. Try to establish a positive and helpful relationship with a medical doctor or health care practitioner who can be the focal point of your treatment and can follow up with you with treatments or tests to help control your fear.

If you are limiting your life by focusing on your illness, think about whether this is helping you in your quest to live a healthy life.

Tuesday

Friends, Family, Partner, Work

Giving Criticism

Being criticized isn’t much fun. But sometimes we are in the position of needing to give critical feedback to people who are important to us. How do we do it while maintaining our sense of self? And can we put ourselves in their shoes so we truly understand the impact of what we are saying?

• Be Aware…of how what you say will be received. This is as important as what you say (perhaps more important). If you are going to the trouble of criticizing someone, you owe it to yourself and to him or her that what you say will be heard in a positive way.
• Be Kind, Generous, Respectful, and Fair. If you are antagonistic, wait to say what you are going to say until you are not at risk for being rude, insulting, or insensitive. Share your own experiences if they are like the ones you are talking about. Admit that you, too, have had difficulty with this issue.
• Be Specific and Avoid Generalities. “I saw you bite Joey on the playground,” not, “You are such a terrible child and a bully; nobody will ever want to play with you.” Ask yourself how you would respond if you were criticized in a combative way.
• Be Patient. It takes time to change and it is difficult to hear criticism, especially from someone you respect. Once you have said what you need to say, leave it alone.
• Be Alone. Don’t embarrass the person by criticizing him or her in front of other people. Discuss what you need to say in private. Unless you are witnessing something that must be stopped (abuse, acts of prejudice or injustice), confine your comments to a private place.

If you are criticizing someone, be thoughtful and concerned about how she or he will hear you.

Wednesday

Single, Friends

Fringe Benefits: Dating Someone with Children

If you happen to date someone with children, look closely at the relationship of the family that could someday be part of your own.

It is essential—and ultimately educational—to observe the relationship that exists between your possible future mate and your possible future stepchildren. Whatever your initial thoughts about this relationship may be, keep in mind that being a parent profoundly affects a person and his or her priorities. Notice how much time they spend together, what their interests are, and what’s important to them. You will develop an intimate knowledge of these people to a far greater degree than in any other relationship you’ve entered.

• Can You Really Love These Kids? Ask yourself if you are someone who could ultimately accept someone else’s children into your heart and your life. To love them means to accept them even when they’re rude, self-focused, sloppy, and defiant. This is different from liking them, which is hard to do all of the time, because surely this type of behavior is not likable. If you don’t think you can really love them, or if you find yourself forever leery of the proposition, don’t attempt a relationship with anyone who has children.
• Can You Live with Them? While it is true that children, after going through the breakup of their parents’ relationship, need more (not fewer) adults in their lives, it is equally true that they need to be surrounded by open, loving adults who truly want them around.
• Can You Be a Support? Your mate will need a partnership in the wonderful, startling, and challenging role of parent. Are you up for the job?

You can gain tremendous insight into people from the way they, as parents, accept their children.

Thursday

Family

Long-Distance Grandparents

When families lived near each other, grandchildren would drop by their grandparents’ homes after school or on the weekends, or stay overnight. Many intergenerational families lived under one roof, so when Grandma was around (which she usually was), she provided child care, supervision, and so much treasured wisdom.

Today many grandparents live far from their children and grandchildren. When they come for a visit, some grandparents roll up their sleeves and get right into the mix of things and some do not, expecting to spend only a few hours with the children instead of a few days. Many grandparents feel they do not have the stamina to keep up with their grandkids, while others will take the children on trips and have private, special time with them.

You may feel resentful that your parents or in-laws are neither spending every free moment with the children nor helping with your child care issues. It is essential that the generations communicate what they need and are willing and able to offer. If you believe that your parents’ visit should be 24/7 with your children, then you need to give them an idea of what you have in mind and a chance to think about what works for them. Each of you has expectations, so see if they are anywhere near the other’s.

• Appreciate Any Time…your parents or in-laws can spend with your children.
• They’re Only Human and a Bit Older. Know what is possible and reasonable before you request that your parents participate in taking care of your children. Going to the movies and dinner may work better than a theme park.
• Getting to Know You, Again. If they have not seen one another for a while, allow for some transition time so the children and the grandparents can get used to each other again.
• Prepare the Children…for what they can and cannot do with Grandma and Grandpa before they come to visit.
• Invest in a Computer Camera. If you can, hook up a camera to your parents’ computer and your children’s computer so they can have a more “face-to-face” interaction with one another between visits.

Give long-distance grandparents and the kids bonding time so their relationship can grow with every visit.

Friday

Partner

Rejuvenate Naked with Your Lover

Why does the spark with your love slip away? It used to be so easy to get in the mood and feel sexy, romantic, and connected, but now it is a bit of a chore. Maybe it’s because you are raising kids, multitasking, working, overscheduled, crazed, and otherwise trying to save your sanity in this hectic world.

It is time to change your attitude and put sensuality on the front instead of the back burner (if it is on any burner at all!). Believing that you can still have a sensuous bond (through mind, body, and emotional connection) with the person you love means you are halfway to making that connection happen in real time and real life.

• Get Comfortable with Naked. Stop turning off the lights and then getting undressed. Do you think your partner doesn’t know what your body looks like? Despite your beautiful imperfections (which we all have), your partner still finds you desirable. Get comfortable with your own nakedness and then undress with confidence.
• Do Naked Things Together. Do things at home that put you in close proximity to each other when you are scantily clad or naked. Take a bath with some wonderful aromatic bath salts and just linger in the water together, touching each other and talking about whatever comes to your mind (that is not related to work, your kids, or your parents).
• Sleep Naked. Give yourselves a chance to lie next to each other and cuddle while feeling each other’s skin. Explore or not. Just be aware of the way you feel in each other’s arms and break out of the usual mold of those baggy PJs or ripped sleep shirts.

Admire your own and your partner’s body and enjoy the chances to be together, skin to skin.

Weekend

Friends, Family, Partner, Work, Well-Being

To Err Is Human, To Repent Divine

This may come as a surprise to you, but you are not perfect.

We all make mistakes on occasion. If you’re like every other human, you may make an unfortunate decision or a hurtful remark, perhaps unintentionally. You may put your foot in your mouth, do something that was not considerate, or snap at someone if you are having a bad day.

Whatever mistake you may make, big or small, immediately assume responsibility for it and try, earnestly, to understand the effects of what you did. Do whatever you can to make the situation right. Apologize, make restitution, offer assistance. If you follow any religious guidelines, you will probably try to make amends in a way that is comfortable for you morally—but do it, and quickly.

• Don’t Deny Your Act. The biggest part of taking responsibility is acceptance. Once you accept that you did, in fact, make a mistake, you are one step closer to becoming a better, stronger person.
• A Mistake Is Not an Obituary. You are human, alive, and worthy. Rectify the mistake and live on!
• Avoid Repeating the Mistake. Find ways to act or react differently.
• Do Many Acts of Kindness…so you can focus on how you are going to offset the balance of what you did or said. This will make it easier for you to move ahead with your life.

Choose actions, deeds, and words that will make you proud of yourself.