Chapter 2

Monday

Midlife, Well-Being

Aging Successfully

Aging is about change, and change is about loss, adaptations, and new beginnings.

There are some things over which you have no or little control that influence your aging. But there is plenty that you can take charge of so that you can fully engage in the aging process and benefit physically, spiritually, psychologically, and emotionally.

Have a Life Plan…that is meaningful and purposeful, and keep adapting it to your situation. Rely on your own and outside resources to fill your objectives.
Enhance Your Reserves and Strengths. Always grow and learn. Stretch your body, your mind, your attitude, your circle of people and interests. Focus on experiences and people that give you deep satisfaction and a sense of personal control. Engage people of all ages and walks of life.
Expect Adversity and appreciate that it is part of a life in balance. Understand and adapt to loss, and compensate so you can benefit from what remains.

People who grow old well focus on the growing and not on the old.

Tuesday

Work, Well-Being

Back-to-Back Meetings All Day

So you have back-to-back meetings all day with incredible demands on your time. All that you read and hear about taking breaks and time for yourself during the day seems totally out of reach. Yet you know you need to take care of yourself while being the consummate professional.

Try these tips for keeping your sanity while achieving your goal.

Room with a Different View. How about taking a walk in the courtyard instead of meeting in an office or conference room? For more informal discussions, gather in the office break room over tea. Each time you come in and out of your office, take a different route and say hi to people as you pass so you’re not an automaton.
Drink Tons of Water. Guzzle lots of water and stay hydrated, which will also give you lots of restroom breaks.
Complete Tasks. When several phones ring, multiple files are open before you, and people are knocking on your office door, breathe in one long inhalation followed by one long exhalation. Breathe with focus. Then finish one thought, task, and project at a time.

Create space for health in your back-to-back schedule.

Wednesday

Family, Friends, Partner

Tone It Down

More important than what you say is how you say it.

If you were reading a transcript of conversations you have with your parent, child, lover, or coworker, you might not have any idea about the real meaning of the words. The emotion behind the words is set by your tone.

Think about it. If you are angry, fed up, sarcastic, impatient, intimidating, bored, accusatory, excited, enthusiastic, supportive, or loving, your tone gives the listener a lot of information. However, you may be one of those people who have no idea that your tone is often harsh, mean, or even insulting. Maybe it is what you heard when you were growing up or acquired from frequently being on the defensive. Whatever the reason, it is not OK to continue this negative tone just because it is what you heard or you proclaim it to be “the way I am.”

To keep your sanity when trying to communicate with someone, try these:

Push the Rewind Button. What is your style of communicating? When you talk, pay attention to whether you have a threatening or demeaning tone. A quick test is to tape record some of your conversations (legally, of course) to really hear the way you talk. Focus on yourself and take responsibility for the way you sound.

Watch How Others Respond. Stop yourself if you see others react in a way that demonstrates they are turning you off, tuning you out, becoming defensive, etc.

Don’t Accuse…them for responding in a certain way. Think about looking in the mirror and seeing what they see. How do you look? How do you sound? Rather than push forward, ask, “Is there something I am doing or saying that is getting in the way of you being able to hear me?”

Pay attention to how you sound when you talk to someone. Your tone is what people believe.

Thursday

Friendship

Friendships When There Are Three

What is it about threesomes? Girlfriends, I mean.

Problems form when two women out of three (or more) pair up against the other. You can easily see this dynamic in kids when a nice game of hopscotch is somehow turned upside down when the third friend arrives. One of the three may become manipulative and sets up the other two against each other, which leads to real problems.

The feelings are the same when little girls grow up. Trouble brews and competition escalates when someone feels left out and uncomfortable with the way the friendship is moving. She’ll want to get one of the friendships back to where she thought it was, which may cause unnecessary tension among everyone.

Is there a way to coexist with the “girls,” not take sides, and just have some fun? Here’s how girlfriends can get along when three is usually a crowd.

Confront the Instigator. Gently confront your friend who seems to pit the group against each other. Ask her if she is aware of what she is doing. Suggest that she think what she might be afraid of, angry at, or missing, and see if she can find another way to get her needs met. She may or may not know what you are talking about, but give it a try anyway.

Suggest a Three-Way. Suggest that the three of you get together to discuss your perception of what is going on. Be careful not to accuse, but rather bring up your concerns about how the friendship is shifting and behaviors are changing.

Don’t Take the Bait. When you experience the manipulation, don’t respond to it. Take a moment, feel what is going on in your body, and say, “I am not comfortable and need to have us all talk about this together.”

Create a Pact. Ask each other how to deal with situations when someone feels disappointed, threatened, left out, or concerned about something rather than resorting to previous behaviors.

A friendship of two is not the same as three. You have to accommodate.

Friday

Parent

Take Good Care of My Baby

No one should be an isolated caregiver to children. You need the support and occasional company of other adults. Whether a parent or a caregiver in a daycare center or family child care home, everyone needs support, because at times caring for children can be lonely, frustrating, and challenging.

If you are a mother, grandmother, aunt, or friend, save your sanity and the sanity of those you love as you chip in and help parents and other caregivers look after the next generation. When you search for child care:

Choose with Love. Focus on a person who has a warm and affectionate manner with your child. Look for a low ratio of children to caregivers. If your child is an infant, the person who cares for him may be able to care for two other children and that’s it.

Check Out Credentials. Feel comfortable with the experience of this caregiver. Although many people overlook it, a person needs to be sophisticated and responsible when caring for young children. Always watch someone with your child. Focus on how your child responds to that person upon leaving and arriving.

What Are Your “Must Haves”? Discover what is important to you and to the caregiver in providing good child care. A warm and loving person who does not read, talk to, or sing with a child may not be able to provide the kind of stimulation your child needs.

When you think about having someone care for your child, be mindful of matching your child and the caregiver so your child thrives and the adult is fully engaged.

Weekend

Well-Being

Finding Time to Meditate

You hear over and over again how valuable meditation is for your peace of mind, emotional stability, and physical health. You don’t deny it, you just don’t feel you have the time to do it.

Images of sitting cross-legged in a mountaintop retreat for three days are relaxing but just unattainable. So how can you begin to allow yourself to even think that meditating is available to you in your hectic life?

Welcome Calm. Meditating brings clarity and peace. It’s like plugging into an energy source of calm. You can begin to meditate by focusing on your breath. Just be aware of breathing in and breathing out. Slowly. Calmly. Now who can be too busy to not want calm? Invest in meditation time, and your rushed, hurried life might actually get into balance.

Give Yourself Permission…to think about meditating for at least ten minutes every day so you are not put off by the thought of “one more thing to fit into my already too busy day.” If your life went more smoothly because you put in ten daily minutes, wouldn’t you do it?

Get Up, Meditate, and Then Get Going. Once you commit to trying, meditate first thing in the morning. It will help you keep your balance throughout the day. Before drinking your morning coffee, reading the paper, or responding to late-night e-mails, find your chair (so you don’t fall asleep as you begin to relax) and begin your “practice.”