Chapter 21

Monday

Well-Being, Parent

Deciding Not to Have Children

Tick, tock, it’s the biological clock alarm going off. But are you ready to have children, or are you seriously thinking that you may not want to have them at all?

When you consider the choice, think about what would satisfy you (and your mate, if one is in the picture) if you have a child. Having a child has a lot to do with economics, careers, relationships, self-awareness, and expectations. As you weigh the pluses and minuses, you may receive some intrusive or critical commentary from family, friends, and society at large about your choice. Clear your mind and make a decision that works for you.

To Be or Not to Be a Mom. You have the right to live your life the best way you can. Not everyone is meant to be a parent. Only you know if parenthood is right for you. Once you make the decision to start a family, there’s no turning back, so think it through thoroughly.

Let Go of Good and Bad. Do you feel pressure to be good? Does being good mean that you should be a mother? Does the decision not to have children denote that you are selfish and self-absorbed? What messages do you get from family, friends, and society? Although many couples are opting to remain childless, there is still a societal expectation that most people will choose to become parents. Whether or not you decide to become a parent, respect the opinion of others that differ from yours. Know that this is your and your partner’s decision.

Have Kids in Your Life. If you’re thinking of not having kids and you like them, there are plenty of opportunities to include and engage children in your life. Spend time with your nieces and nephews or surrogate nieces and nephews, be a “big sister,” work with a foster child, or tutor a child through a charity organization.

Living a childless life does not mean you are selfish.

Tuesday

Well-Being, Work

Dealing with Frustration When Waiting for Others to Do Their Job

Few things are more frustrating than waiting for someone to come through…you know, do his job so you can move along. Say your car’s sideswiped while you are in the market or you have severe water and smoke damage in your apartment because of a fire above you. You are left unable to drive your car or live in your house or apartment, and your whole life can be turned upside down.

These kinds of things are bad enough, but then you are in a position of having to deal with people who just are not doing their jobs (and their job is to help you.) You may have to see several adjusters, get various quotes for work, have different assessments, and why? Because of an act of nature or because someone else was careless or irresponsible. First you may get frustrated, then depressed, and then mad! But, there are ways to deal with this and keep your sanity intact.

Gather Your Wits. Prepare for the long haul. No, you did not want this to happen, and yes, there are lots and lots of people along your red-tape trail. But, in the end, you will, hopefully, get to where you need to be.

Do Something for You. Between calls or filling out forms, do something good for yourself. Read or watch something funny, put on hand cream and massage your arms for two minutes or call a friend.

Keep Good Notes…about what happened, who you spoke to on which dates, and the gist of the conversation. Get everyone’s name and position in the company. Whittle down the story to the bare essentials. It is amazing how little information is needed as you retell a story.

Control Your Anger. Do not insult the person on the phone. She might hang up on you, and you will go back to the beginning of the line and have to listen to that awful canned music. When you are angry, take a shower with a sponge. When the sponge is totally saturated, throw it against the shower door and pick it up again and throw it as many times as you need. Nobody will get hurt and you will have expressed your anger.

There are ways to control and deal with your anger as you feel frustrated with the red tape of long-term problems that need to be solved.

Wednesday

Family, Parent, Midlife

Mothers and Daughters-in-Law

If you have a daughter-in-law with whom you want to have a good relationship, get to know her. See her through your son’s eyes, and you will be much more likely to move in the right direction.

Sometimes your relationship with your daughter-in-law may play right into your insecurities, and you are left with countless misunderstandings resulting in a thickness in the air that you can cut with a knife. You’re afraid to say something and she’s afraid to say something and you both don’t know what to do. The key is to be open and accepting and refrain from offering your opinion or advice unless asked. Respect the couple’s privacy and appreciate that you are not first in line for affection, secrets, or much else anymore. But you still have an important role.

Your Part in the Drama. If you, as a mother, are used to being listened to all the time, running the show, never being challenged or confronted, then you certainly have a change to deal with. You may have made all your son’s decisions and he was fine with that, but now he or she is not. Do you perceive your daughter-in-law as a threat, or bossy, or too independent or controlling? These terms are often used when describing in-law children and are often not meant as compliments. Turn the table and look at yourself from her point of view.

No Pushing. If you never had a daughter, be careful about jumping at the chance to do things together. Don’t assume your daughter-in-law wants to and is eager to have this relationship in the same way you do. Feel it out first. If you want to help out, consult her first. Be careful about forcing anything on your kids. They are now making their own life together…with their own taste and decisions.

If You Can’t Get Gold, Go for Silver. You are no longer the number one person your son turns to for advice or to whom he speaks in confidence—your daughter-in-law is now that person. You will need to mourn the “loss” of your child as well as your top-seeded position in your son’s life. Get comfortable with second place. You are still in the game.

Get to Like Her. You will alienate your child and your daughter-in-law if you let it be known that you don’t like his choice of partner. This makes for a strained relationship at best. If there is a split, your child will likely blame you, and you might not have access to your grandchildren. It gets messy and it need not. It will be easier for you if you avoid making waves and determine to enjoy her.

The most loving gift you can give your adult child is to fully welcome and accept his spouse into your heart as one of your own.

Thursday

Partner

Breaking Up Because of a Deal Breaker

You are breaking off a relationship with someone because you just cannot stand something about this person.

Annoyances like smoking, drinking, swearing, poor eating habits, hot temperedness, entitlement issues, or prejudices really bother you. This person isn’t “all bad,” and you sometimes wonder if you are making the right decision. Others may comment that you are being too picky or you’ll lose a great person. You hear, “No one is perfect”; that you should “lighten up.” And by the way, they never forget to remind you that you aren’t so easy to live with, either.

Saving your sanity when you are single and wonder if you will ever meet someone else is a challenge.

What Is the Guilt About? Check in with yourself that you are making this decision for the right reasons. By putting your health and well-being high on the list of what is important in your life, you are taking care of yourself. When you know that not having this person in your life will benefit you more than having him or her in your life, it’s time to move on.

Forget Trying to Change Someone. I hope you know by now that you can’t change someone. It is not your job to do that anyway. If you can’t work with the issues and accept this person flaws and all, it is unfair to you and to them to keep going. Both of you will be miserable.

Listen to Your Heart. Maybe you cannot be the one to take responsibility for breaking up a relationship because you may feel that your issues are not important. Or you feel you should be strong and able to accommodate anything. Perhaps you were raised by someone who hung in there in a relationship that was abusive or in some way mirrors yours. You feel that if you break this off you will somehow be going against the family credo, disappoint your parents, or be a quitter. Think instead about you and how you can love yourself. Does that image include this person?

When you know the right thing to do regarding ending a relationship, do it and attempt to understand the source of your guilt rather than stay in the relationship because of guilt.

Friday

Family

Better Sibling Relationships

Good adult sibling relationships are first and foremost about communication. We all have our lives to live, and it’s sometimes difficult to maintain close bonds when family members live far apart, have different lifestyles and busy schedules. Whether your sister lives across the country or across town, keeping in contact via telephone, e-mail, and in-person visits is the best way to maintain the connection. Being in touch on a regular basis will help your relationship thrive. There is less of a need to play catch-up.

But no matter how often you talk or have family get-togethers, there still might be “stuff” lingering from years back or family dynamics that get in the way of maintaining stronger ties. It may be time to take a closer look at your relationship with your siblings and see if better awareness can improve your connection.

Your Sibling Model. Look at your parents’ relationships with their siblings and other sibling relationships that may have affected you. If your father had a falling out with his brother and did not speak to him for fifteen years, how has that affected your relationship with your brothers and sisters (to say nothing about your cousins)? Maybe it’s time to challenge what you were raised with, do things differently, take another approach, or define and design a better model.

Appreciate Your Sib. Does your adult sibling relationship reflect the kind of people you are now? Does it capture your relationship at this moment in your lives? Recognizing your “little” sister or “big” brother as individuals, who have their own lives, desires, interests, and values that may or may not mirror yours, allows for respect and better relationships.

We’re Adults Now. We all grow older, but some of us don’t grow up and our view of our sibling may not change. Just as your mother still talks to you as if you are twelve years old, you may be treating your brothers and sisters as you did when you were kids. Bring your relationships with your sibling into the present.

Sibling relationships have the potential to be the longest relationships we have. It is likely worth the investment to make them as good as possible.

Weekend

Well-Being

Don’t Stop, Keep Exercising

You’ve started an exercise routine and feel good. But getting to the gym is harder and harder to do.

Studies show that as little as a 5 percent reduction in body weight can help reduce some of the risk factors associated with obesity and can help improve some of the symptoms linked to diabetes and high cholesterol. So stay motivated, don’t procrastinate, and keep on exercising.

Work in Workouts. Make exercise nonnegotiable. Do it for yourself; do it for your family. Lead by example. One of the greatest gifts you can give your family is to instill in them good eating and exercise habits.

Link Exercise to Your True Passions. Think out of the box. If you support a charity, chances are it sponsors a fun walk or run every year. Sign up and train for an event. If you loved ice-skating as a child, you’ll probably enjoy it as an adult. If you’ve always wanted to learn how to scuba dive, sign up for lessons and go early and swim a few laps before each class.

Take Ten Fun Facts. Think you can’t accomplish much in ten minutes? Think again. Park your car an extra ten minutes away from work and you can burn forty-three calories before you clock in. Add another forty-three calories lost for the trip back to your car. Do that five days a week for a year and you can kiss up to six pounds bye-bye. Walk up the stairwells with a friend for ten minutes during your lunch hour and ten minutes back down and you’ll burn up to one hundred twenty-five calories a trip. Five days of stair walking a week for a year, and you just may lose up to nine pounds. Every time you answer the phone, let it trigger a brisk walk or at least pacing. Ten five-minute standing-up phone calls a day, and you’ll burn one hundred calories.

Excellence Matters. Halfhearted efforts yield halfhearted results. Each and every time you exercise, leave the world behind, focus on your performance, and work to your true potential. Strive for perfect posture and good form. Get maximum results for every minute you’ve set aside to nurture your good health. Focus. You’re worth it. You deserve it.